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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 291540 times)

Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1275 on: March 26, 2015, 09:40:23 am »

Sorry for double post
The above story was a collaboration between me and my English partner but I wrote it all out. He is helping edit and change the sotry
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Urist McScoopbeard

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1276 on: March 26, 2015, 10:15:10 am »

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Whipped this up in five minutes just to see if I could.
It's the first poem I've ever written, and is likely to be the last.

Tis a good poem.
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1277 on: March 26, 2015, 10:39:37 am »

-snip-
"He quickly stopped laughing and yelled out, 'YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! DO YOU?'" The improper use of pronouns make it seem like it was the guard outside the door that yelled, which is hilarious to me. Inserting a she between and/yelled would fix that. I'd like it if you let me submit an edited draft of the whole thing.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1278 on: March 26, 2015, 10:41:41 am »

I'll submit the edited version monday when I have it edited, this is a rough draft.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1279 on: March 26, 2015, 10:43:32 am »

A short story about Miss Hound, part of the UK's Etheric Control Service, who is not very fond of her job.

Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2015, 07:55:15 pm by GiglameshDespair »
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1280 on: March 26, 2015, 06:43:28 pm »

Awesome short, Gig.
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UXLZ

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1281 on: March 26, 2015, 07:51:42 pm »

The short is pretty awesome, but aren't you screwing up tenses in the first line? I'd swear there's something off about "but was already rising to its feet by the time I rack another shell into the chamber."

"One looks sick with sick with fear"
Not sure if that's intentional

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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1282 on: March 26, 2015, 07:54:16 pm »

The short is pretty awesome, but aren't you screwing up tenses in the first line? I'd swear there's something off about "but was already rising to its feet by the time I rack another shell into the chamber."
You're correct there, it seems/ I have a problem with shifting tenses as I write, and apparently I didn't fix the start.
"One looks sick with sick with fear"
Not sure if that's intentional
Woops. Good catch.
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UXLZ

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1283 on: March 27, 2015, 06:57:53 am »

Spoiler: Release (click to show/hide)
   
« Last Edit: March 27, 2015, 08:17:08 am by UXLZ »
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Ahhh~ She looked into your eyes,
And saw what laid beneath,
Don't try to save yourself,
The circle is complete.

Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1284 on: March 27, 2015, 07:45:13 am »

A short story about Miss Hound, part of the UK's Etheric Control Service, who is not very fond of her job.

Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.

This is really cool! Is it based off of or inspired by an existing series?
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1285 on: March 27, 2015, 08:13:02 am »

A short story about Miss Hound, part of the UK's Etheric Control Service, who is not very fond of her job.

Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.

This is really cool! Is it based off of or inspired by an existing series?

Nope, fully out my own brainmeats. Thanks!
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1286 on: March 27, 2015, 11:04:01 am »

So I wrote a setting exposition thing at some ungodly hour of the morning, and didn't feel like burning it when I read it over, so what do you guys think?
It's a fantasy-ish world (think shadowrun) at roughly the technology level of WW1 (for the most part). Magic is controlled by means of spirits which can be 'bound' to items as enchantments etc....

Spoiler: Setting dump (click to show/hide)

Also pretty sweet GD :D
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1287 on: March 27, 2015, 11:53:14 am »

Any other comments besides bad grammar for 'Citrus Fruit Talk to Her'?
It was a bad idea for my partner to let me write this :p
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bahihs

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1288 on: March 27, 2015, 03:08:55 pm »

Any other comments besides bad grammar for 'Citrus Fruit Talk to Her'?
It was a bad idea for my partner to let me write this :p

Its interesting, but I think you should give it a couple of read-through's and edit it first before handing it in for critique. Otherwise, I can't give any constructive critique beyond "there are grammatical errors that need to be addressed".

Also, what's the news on the writing submissions (wasn't the deadline like 2 weeks ago?). 
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hops

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1289 on: March 27, 2015, 03:27:43 pm »

Yeah. I'm not having a good week. Spring break's next week so I should be able to put everything back on track and maybe recruit some more people to help with the judging.
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she/her. (Pronouns vary over time.) The artist formerly known as Objective/Cinder.

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