Chapter 56: Of Gods & Giants
The great skeletal figure of doom advances on Kingston, Jamaica. The
H.O.E.S. don't give a fuck and have better things to do are awe-struck by the Voodoo God in it's full Eldritch Abomination terror. The every step the giant makes a wave hits the ruined Jamaican shore and a slight shockwave reverberates down its streets.
Back at the Parliament House, Most Honorable Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller and her staff rush about to find a way to stop their homeland from being totally destroyed. This consists largely of the parties calling each other mean names. (Because that's what I imagine parliaments systems are like: A room where people just scream randomly.) Suddenly, the Most Honorable Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller makes an announcement: "Jamaica has stored an atomic weapon in case of an emergency of this magnitude." The room goes silent. "The only issue is that this project is only in it's infancy, so while we have the weapon, we have no way to properly fire it. I can only pray that a miracle comes..."
MEANWHILE: The God Council The Pantheon Congress, Heaven, Year 21XX A.D. Tuesday 3:42 P.M. The Gods stare down upon the mighty orb that overseas the conflict between the
H.O.E.S. and
Lord Samedi. The Lunar Princess looks up.
"This God is not one of us, he is an imposter who only promotes the success of our adversaries! Whoever is standing idle, go down and strike him down!"~Back on Earth"Jah mahn! ~Don't worry, about a ting', cause every little ting', gon' be-aw fuck eet'." Bob Marley walks off with his guitar in the face of the monster. With every step it takes, the island country trembles more.
Out of nowhere, the seas part before the Voodoo creature. Something rises out of the water, as large and as tall as Samedi it stands before:
"Well I'll be damned, if it isn't Lord Cthulhu! Ha ha, what a coincidence!" remarks random Jamaican man #572,985.
This is followed by Cthulhu marching through the streets of Kingston, causing not a fleeing mass of people, merely a crowd wondering what the blood clot accidentally got mixed in with their kush.
Also accompanying Cthulhu, whilst riding on it's head:
"WITH MY HAMMER AND HIS FLOWING TENDRILS, WE SHALL LIBERATE ALL YOU ISLAND MORTALS."
Thor and Cthulhu make their way to the Jamaican parliament, where Cthulhu tears off the ceiling off the building. Portia Simpson Miller looks up. "What do you want? Can't you see that we are protecting our country and her people from the threat of a skeletal demon?"
Cthulhu:
"G̣͇͂ͬ̿Ḯ̮͈̽ͨͤ̎Ṽ̩̙̞̝͙̺̏ͧ̂͂̎E̝͚̩͛̏ͨ͠ ̷̶̵̙͔̜͗ͣ͒M̡̮͕̦͎̪̙̤ͩ͛͐͊̿ͥ̔̚̕Ę̷̤̮́̃͑̔̾̍͋ ̞̩̥̝̲̘ͫ̄̔͟͞T̥̳̰̔̅ͬ͋̃̈͂ͦH̸̞͎̥̦̰̱̅̀͘Ȩ̪̯ͦ̽̌͠͡ ̴̸̖̺͂ͪ̀̊̽̀̎̒ͅR̷̟̯̹͈̊ͣ̒̀͋̐ͬ͆̚͢O̠̙̠̜̼͖̰̲͐͋͒͢͠ͅC͍͍͚̰̮͆̈́͋͒ͨ̽̀͢͠K̄ͭ̎ͪ͒̌̓̽ͩ҉͞҉̩͉̰͈̠E̵̩͈͕̲͓̯ͬ͑ͣͮ͟T̞̮̙͉͓͉̬̦ͦ̽" Portia Simpson Miller: "Now that I think of it, that's a very good Mr. Cthulhu. Here you go." The Military gives Cthulhu the nuclear rocket.
Cthulhu:
T̯̬̝̈́̏̓ͪH̬̟ͨ͑͜Aͪ̆̒ͤͣ̃̋͝͏̫͖͓̜̤̱̤̙͎N̵̞͍̤̫̳͉̅̎ͩ́̀ͯ͑ͧ̈́́͠Ḱ̞͙͍̫̜̟ͣ̄̇̋͋̓ͅ ͂̎͏̮Ý̧̫̤̠̯͂̅O̘̭̳̎͂̐͐̈͗ͨ̓Ư̗͈͙̘̰͎̜̫̂̋̑ͥ̓͊Cthulhu scoops off the rocket, and after Cthulhu politely puts the roof of Parliament back on the building, he and Thor walk back to the sea. It is there that the deity duo spots
Lord Samedi in the distance. The cosmic being grips the active nuke in his hands; he'll need to be close enough to throw it but far enough away not to be hurt by the impact.
Cthulhu and Samedi continue drugging towards each other. Even in the deep ocean, both cosmic creatures are tall enough that their position is similar to regular adult humans standing in a 2 ft. deep river. Cthulhu approaches further, only for Samedi to launch a kinetic wave of magic at him. Cthulhu moans like a whale as he stumbles backwards, dropping the nuke and causing Thor to hold on tightly. Samedi takes the opportunity to advance further, while Cthulhu stumbles about trying to regain his balance and the rocket.
"MJOLNIR TOSS!" Thor buys Cthulhu some time by launching his mighty hammer at Samedi. It strikes the skull-monster in the jaw, sending it recoiling back. Cthulhu, with his bearings regained, takes his chance and throws the nuke straight at Samedi, like a dart. The bomb impales Samedi and then explodes, creating a crater in his center torso. Recovering Mjolnir, Thor leaps thousands of feet through the air at Samedi.
"BY THE POWER OF YGGDRASIL! GWAAAAAHGH." Thor strikes Samedi on the top of the skull with Mjolnir, sending a fracture down both side of it. Thor jumps back on Cthulhu's head just in time as Samedi's head explodes, and with it, the rest of his body, dissolving into smoke.
Lord Samedi has been defeated!With this, Cthulhu and Thor descend back into the sea, to a standing ovation from Jamaica.
What a day.
Loots:AK47s
Machetes
Automatic Pistol
Automatic Mobile Turret Parts
Cyborg Parts
Dual Submachine Guns
Dragunov Sniper Rifle
Sunglasses
Bandana
Heavy Machine Gun
Cursed MacheteThe General's Oversized Machete BladeRainbow Dash
Items: Dashie's Katana, Laurel Crown, L.C. Wintle's Lee Enfield, Whip
Health: Fine
Twilight Sparkle
Items:
Health: Shot in Left Flank
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt, Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Pasta Armor, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Pistol, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone
Health: Fine
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Pistols, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber
Health: Fine
Old Spice Guy
Items: Towel, Old Spice (TM)
Health: Fine
Simon
Items: Lagann, Core Drill
Abilities: Spiral Power (3 Turns: Activated), Infinite Spiral (Once Per Battle: Available), Lagann Impact
Health: Armor Pierced
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: Ready), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used Up), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap
Health: Fine
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gun, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat
Health: Right Arm Petrified
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: Ready in 2 Turns)
Health: Liquid Courage Boost (+1 to all rolls)
Roland Deschain
Items: Father's Guns, Ammo Bandolier, Wanderer's Clothing
Abilities: Gunslinger (2 Turns: Ready)
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Guns, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades
Health: 12/12
Asinine Sleeper
Items: Useless Trinkets, Empty Cereal Box, Limited Edition "Mind of Carlos Mencia" DVD
Health: Fine
Big Fucking Pile of Rocks
Items: Rocks
Health: Rocks
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 320266 times)