Finally... > Roll To Dodge

Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P]

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TCM:
Chapter 77: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Dagoth Ur incurs his Present from House of Dagoth upon the Klan Assassin! Before the Assassin can tread a step towards the H.O.E.S., a feeling of dread and nausea seizes his body. (6 vs. 5) He falls to the ground, seizing as the dark magic begins to take over his bodily form. He scratches at his back and legs as they turn a sickly, decayed cover, rolling around on the ground, flailing like a starfish on meth. If he simply gives in, the corruption would overtake his entire being and turn him into a mindless minion of Dagoth's.

Applejack climbs aboard an ad-hoc pile of crates. "Yeah right!  'Am Orange but I'm still more Southern than any of you bed-sheet wearing varmints, and I'm about to prove it!" Right as she speaks, the Armored Kar comes round the corner. Applejack grins and pulls the Heavy Machine Gat from Hammerspace, readying the chamber and unloading her bullet swarm upon it. "YEEEEE-HAW!" (4 vs. 6-2) The Kar gets peppered with a few shots, before making a sharp turn, ducking behinds some brick buildings for cover. "Y'all finished already?"

"YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE REAL WHITE MAN." Swedish Chef declares this as he takes his Knife and Fork out, charging The Imperial Wizard to out-Caucasian in a duel to the death. (2 vs. 6) Too Much Time! But not enough time, as the Wizard rising into the air was not part of the Chef's plan at all. (3 vs. 1) The Wizard casts a spell, hitting the Swede dead center in the chest with a single lightning strike! The Chef falls to the ground as the sound of thunder emits from his position, a searing hole now in his shirt.
Mr. Tom lights a Firebomb, tossing it into Klan Mob 1! (2 vs. 4) The Molotov explodes about twenty feet from the nearest Klan member, starting a meager fire before dissipating. (1 vs. 2) Before he can face the unadulterated torture of dozens of angry white supremacists, Mr. Tom ducks into the town Post Office.

Al Capone swaggers forth, "Ey, I heards about yous and your lynchin', but I can proves to ya I can do it better." Al pursues the ever-popular pastime of throwing a Molotov Cocktail into a Mob of KKK. (4 vs. 2) This one manages to land farther in, and what do you know, incendiary weapons are great to use against tightly packed hordes of guys in loose, flammable clothing. Capone watches them burn, rubbing the underside of his chin with thumb as the heat radiates onto his body.

"Do you think that stick figure counts as a minority?" asks Pastamancer, wondering aloud on the matter of how the Klan would initial judge him, though it probably wouldn't be favorable after they realize he's set up a bunch of artillery aimed in their general direction.
Spaghetti Elemental is sent out for medical duty.

"What is this heresy? Judgement on color? There was a better people who held the symbols you hold today, and they also stood for something logical!" Altria Pendragon draws her blade and runs through the sea of enemies, effortlessly deflecting the blows as they are brought down upon her, as she seizes on the opportunity to attack a Klan Official. She sets upon the Kountry Hunter as he loads shells into his shotgun. (1 vs. 3) Caliburn whizzes through the air, aiming for the hunter's hands, but he backs up, leaving Altria off-balance as he aims the barrel down onto her. (2 vs. 4) He lets a blast loose and Altria ducks as a spread of bullets hits a wall behind her.

Gary Motherfucking Oak gives Altria Pendragon back-up by sending out Scyther! The flying Pokemon descends upon the Kountry Hunter, swiping at him with its large claws. (3 vs. 3) The hunter quickly aims at Scyther, who is forced to change flight direction to avoid a storm of lead that sails through the air. Kountry Hunter curses and loads more two shells into his gun.

"FIRE." Twilight Sparkle creates a giant ring of fire around the H.O.E.S.! It quickly dissipates due to the amount of magic required to maintain it, though not all is lost, as the ring of fire was able to catch the attention of someone!

Spoiler: And it burned, burned, burned; that ring of fire. (click to show/hide)http://love-it-loud.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Top-Ten-Johnny-Cash-Albums.jpg
Johnny Cash appears!

(5 vs. 6)

Johnny Cash begins rocking out!

"Oh man, it's Johnny Cash!"
"Hell yeah, I love Johnny Cash!"
"Johnny, can I get an autograph?!"

The Man in Black curses and throws down his guitar as he realizes the KKK loves his music, unfortunately. He proceeds up to Twilight, putting a hand upon her head. "Next time, get them someone they won't like. Hendrix maybe? Or a rapper? Well, call me when I can actually ruin some fuckers day." He disappears as quickly as he had came.


Klan Mob #1 surrounds the Post Office containing Mr. Tom. "YOU GET OUT HERE OTHERWISE WE'LL TORCH THIS DAMN BUILDING BOY!" Tom makes no response, clutching a stick of dynamite right by him. (6 vs. 3) One of the Klansmen throws his torch into the building, causing the mob to erupt in cheers. Tom watches as the fire spreads, eating up the wooden environment. Taking his bets, he curses and runs for the emergency exit, as it looks devoid of the Klan. Just as he bursts through the door however, two of them are waiting for him, and they pincer him with their pitchforks; one lodged into his stomach while the other pierces through his hip. They retrieve their bloodied weapons and chortle, leaving Tom dying in a pool of his own blood.

Klan Mob #2 runs after Al Capone, not giving him a chance to fix another firebomb. After a bit, the mobsters gets out of breath, not having the greatest of all physiques. He turns around, duel-wielding both his Tommy Gun and AK47, a new signature style of his. (6 vs. 5) The Mob stops in their tracks and turns around, retreating, though not all of them are fast enough to get behind cover before Capone starts shooting, bullets flying through multiple Klanspeople. By the time his ammo runs dry, hundreds of more white-sheeted bodies lie beneath him. Capone puts his guns down, lighting a new cigarette.

Klan Assassin feels overcome with the poison, as he looks towards Dagoth Ur. How did the assassin know it was Ur poisoning him? Perhaps it was just intuition, as years of being a hardened killer had trained him to instinctively know who else was a killer. Maybe it was his perception and knowledge, like he recognized that only a man with Ur's mask could perform this feat. Or could have even been the fact that Ur was dancing around him, singing a song asking the assassin to get corrupted faster. Seeing it as the only way to stop the spell, the Assassin lunges for the anti-God. (4+1 vs. 1) Dagoth Ur feels a hand wrap around his shoulder as a sharpened dagger stabs in the stomach many times. A lot of times, many more than would be to kill a mortal man, prompting Dagoth Ur to shout, "STOP STABBING ME! JESUS. I GET IT! ENOUGH." The Assassin listens to Ur's plea, though not before smashing his mask with the blunt handle of the blade, leaving Dagoth on the floor, groaning and bleeding.

As Al Capone reloads his weapons, the Klan Stormtrooper #1 sets onto him, opening fire with his own Tommy Gun! (2 vs. 3) The bullets light up Al's fight, making him dance his way over to a tree where he can wait out the rest of the drum. When Al hears the Stormtrooper's gun click, he peeks out of the corner, returning the favor with a Tommy Gun attack. (2 vs. 1) A single bullet skims the Stormtrooper's torso before he dives to the ground, hiding beneath the following machine-gun flurry of shots. Capone stops shooting when he realizes he can't get a good shot on his target.

Klan Stormtrooper #2 raises his gun, aiming to shoot Applejack off her throne of crates. (2 vs. 1) He blasts at her, being an overall terrible shot, though he does clip her hoof. AJ cursed and looked at her injured limb, she'd need a manicure from Rarity to fix this up. (4 vs. 1) Fortunately, she still has the Machine Gat out, and so the Earth Pony fired back with a much heavier firearm. The Klan Stormtrooper runs for it, weaving through the bullets until one catches him in the lower back, and he falls to the ground. He crawls, dragging his gun with him to cover under the machine gun fire.

Kountry Hunter finishes with his weapon, and again tries to blast Altria Pendragon away with a barrel blast. (1 vs. 6) *Click* The hunter looks at its weapon in disbelief, as now was a pretty inopportune time to jam. (3 vs. 6) Altria slices at the gun, but the Kountry Hunter yanks it away, and assumes a new strategy as he begins running towards the houses for cover.

The Korrupt Kop ascends onto Twilight Sparkle. "The Klan finds you guilty! You're under arrest you ugly abomination!" He goes for the Handcuffs (6 vs. 5) and successfully gets them around her back legs, tying them together! The Kop shoves Twilight onto her back, preventing her from standing. "Stay where you are pony girl, unless you want a beatin'!"

The Armored Kar turns down the street, as it sees the Spaghetti Elemental soaring around, trying to locate a wounded companion. The Machinegun Turret is aimed at the pasta element. (4 vs. 3) The Elemental zooms away, but it gets hit several times, bits and pieces of pasta falling from its figure.

As the Pastamancer finishes his artillery set-up, Knight #1 leaps over a nearby fence, his horse whinnying. (6 vs. 4) Before the Pastamancer can conjure up a spell to retaliate, a Broadsword tears away at his left leg, dropping the Pastamancer to his fight. The Knight holds his sword in the air as victory over his wounded opponent.

The second Knight rides after the Swedish Chef! (5 vs. 3) As Swedish Chef stands back up and stares astoundingly at the levitating The Imperial Wizard, a giant lance crashes into his Right Arm, tearing a huge hole in it. The Chef is thrown to the ground, "FUCK! THAT'S ME COOKING ARM!"

Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team opens fire on Klan Stormtrooper #1! (3 vs. 4) His cover provides too good, and he actually manages to return fire! (6 vs. 4) His rain of high-caliber machinegun fire actually manages to take a few S.W.A.T. members out, as the bullets pierce their armor, sending them to the ground.

Automated Turret swivels around and fires upon Knight #2! (1 vs. 2) It manages to shoot near the Knight, but his swiftness on horseback is a bit too much. (4 vs. 1) The Knight stabs his Lance through the turret, and it makes a sad noise as it malfunctions, sparks flying from its internal computers.

Soldiers shoot at Klan Mob #2! (4 vs. 3) They're combined fire takes down a handful.

Spaghetti Elemental finds Dagoth Ur to be the most badly wounded. (4) It manages to stop the bleeding, at least the worst of it, for now.


The Imperial Wizard looks at the Swedish Chef disapprovingly. "Such fine Aryan blood wasted on a brute and imbecile. Maybe your bloodline is tainted, and it is my duty to remove those who are tainted from our race. Begone you false white, to the damnest of hells I send you!" (2 vs. 5) Suddenly charged up with energy, the chef rolls out of the way as a fiery rock slams itself into the ground where he once laid. (4 vs. 3) The Chef jumps up and delivers a flying uppercut! It simply catches the Wizard in the shoulder, but takes him by surprise.


The Imperial Wizard
Health: Shoulder Shroyuken'd

Spoiler: Ku Klux Klan (click to show/hide)Klan Mob #1 - A horde of Klansmen from the country, they lack decent equipment or training, but make up for it with their unadulterated hatred.
Items: Farming Tools, Torches
Health: 2000/2000

Klan Mob #2 - A horde of Klansmen from the country, they lack decent equipment or training, but make up for it with their unadulterated hatred.
Items: Farming Tools, Torches
Health: 850/2000

Klan Assassin - A stringy Klansman sent out to kill enemies of the Klan.
Assassin: +1 to Attack.
Items: Dagger
Health: Being Corrupted

Klan Stormtrooper #1 - An armed Klansmen sent out to perform acts of terror on groups of minorities.
Items: Tommy Gun, Molotov Cocktail
Health: Flesh Wound

Klan Stormtrooper #2 - An armed Klansmen sent out to perform acts of terror on groups of minorities.
Items: Tommy Gun, Molotov Cocktail
Health: Lower Back Shot

Kountry Hunter - A Klansman that brings his hunting skills to the battlefield.
Double Shot: Can attack 2 Targets in the same Turn.
Items: Double-Barreled Shotgun (Jammed)
Health: Fine

Korrupt Kop - A police officer that secretly aids the efforts of the KKK.
Handcuff: The Kop can Handcuff a Target, which leaves them unable to Attack until they free themselves. 1-Turn Cooldown. (Cooling: 1 Turn)
Items: Pistol, Handcuffs, Plastic Baton, Light Body Armor
Health: Fine

Armored Kar - A truck that has been outfitted with armor and weaponry.
Armored: +1 to Defense.
Large Target: -2 Defense to High-Caliber/Piercing Attacks.
Items: Machinegun Turret
Health: Fine

Knight #1 - The infamous Knights that roam the countryside, murdering civilians, burning down houses and other nasty activities.
Items: Lance, Broadsword, Horse
Health: Fine

Knight #2 - The infamous Knights that roam the countryside, murdering civilians, burning down houses and other nasty activities.
Items: Lance, Broadsword, Horse
Health: FineSpoiler: H.O.E.S. (click to show/hide)Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Handcuffed!

Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt, High Quality Kush.
Health: Health: Left Leg Slashed (Pasta Cocooned)

Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat
Health: Fine

Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: Ready!), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Julius Caesar'd, Bleeding

Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Fine

Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: 2 Turns)
Health: Fine

The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Mayo (2 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: 2 Turns), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Thunderstruck, Right Arm Torn Open, Bleeding

Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Fine

Gary Motherfucking Oak
Items:
Abilities: Bitchmobile Coming in Hot! (2 Turns: 1 Turns), Pokemon!
Health: Fine

Altria Pendragon
Items: Plated Harness, Caliburn
Health: Fine

Spoiler: Friendly NPCs (click to show/hide)Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: 23/30

Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Stabbed, Malfunctioning, Sparking

Mr. Tom
Items: Carlos Mencia DVD, TNT, Firebombs
Health: Stabbed in the Stomach and Hip, Lethal Bleeding

Soldiers
Items: Soldier Stuff
Items: 3/3

Spaghetti Elemental
Items: Spaghetti Bandages, Shotgun
Health: Shot in the Spaghetti

Didn't expect to see this again, did ya'? Well, now you've got it.

There is a visible drop in quality from the beginning of this turn to the end, since I'm getting tired, but I really wanted to finish this. So now it's posted, and to many turns in the future!

Xantalos:
Don Dallas Cowboys hat.

Don't fuck with this chef!

Throw a Bowie knife into the Wizard's groin! Then chefruyken him again.


Mr Tom knew he was dying. He could do little to stop the mob outside, even with his explosives. But there was another item he had, one that even he was afraid to use.
But now was the time.

He retrieved the disc from his quantum inventory and lifted it over his head, where he began gabbling the eldritch tongue used to summon the being which it depicted.

Ia! Ia! Carlos Mencia!

Mr. Tom: Summon the full force of Carlos Mencia upon the post office and the surrounding area. Mayo help those within its range.

Harry Baldman:
"N'wah and s'wits as far as the eye can see! Do they not realize the inherent superiority of the Chimer?"

Take a Telepathic Power Nap to regain strength and also to take over Knight #2!

Tiruin:
PRESS THE ASSAULT on the same target.

SealyStar:
Wow. Capone kicked some pretty good ass.

"A flesh wounds, ey?"

Pull out the revolver and take aim at Stormtrooper #1.

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