Chapter 68: I Never Sleep, Cuz-...
"So, a mission requiring subtlety? I believe I can help with that. I need but take a nice nap. Unless you need me for something else, my dear n'wah... friends." Dagoth Ur stretches and walks into the nearby trees, looking for a nice place to lay down. And what luck! Someone has left out as nice hammock, blanket and pillow included, between two firm elms. Dagoth hops on, relaxing with his arms behind his head.
Dagoth Uthol leans on one of the trees as his superior takes a nap. Ur closes his eyes...
His mind travels through the air in a extra-sensory wave of consciousness, penetrating the walls of the house silently. Outside a locked metal door sits the
Head Guard, sitting on a small chair. The energy of Dagoth reaches him. (5 vs. 2) The Guard's eyes turns blank. He begins foaming at the mouth, seizing at his neck. But this is a battle of wills he is definitely losing.
Swedish Chef calls for Mr. Fox! (4) MR. FOX INBOUND: NEXT TURN.
Twilight Sparkle casts a Magic Stealth Field! (6) Hooray! If anyone in the
H.O.E.S. messes up on their stealth attack this turn, they will be unnoticed by the enemy!
Al Capone cracks his knuckles.
"So we gots to keep it down hea, huh? Great, an' I'll cap any guy dat SQUEALS!" He hunkers down, stepping silently to the stables like the time he slipped Joey The Rat's throat. Man, good times. He pushes open the stable doors slowly, peering inside. He finds the Stablehand bent over a stable, feeding a horse. Capone nudges forward slowly, taking his
Cursed Machete out of his coat. (5 vs. 4-1) Sensing something behind him, the Stablehand turns around only for a blade to end up straight in his right shoulder-blade. He falls to the ground, dropping his Pitchfork, as his back starts turning to stone.
"Stealth huh? I reckon I'll hold onto ma gats just in case..." Applejack puts her guns away in her ad hoc holsters as she stealthy stealths her way to the fields to the West. Hiding behind the fence, she observes the first Sweeper swinging his flashlight over the crops. The pony pulls her lasso out, wrangling it in her teeth. (4 vs. 3-1) Sentry #1 yawns, not finding anything interesting in the fields. He then feels something yank around his throat. He's pulled to the ground, the Lasso tightening around his neck as he desperately pulls it off.
"Why's everyone hiding and trying to be Solid Bond? The sneakiest way into a place is being in plain sight. Pastamancer harnesses his pasta powers into creating a noodley costume. (5) He makes a very suitable chef outfit, robes, funny hat and mustache. Putting them on, he walks right up to the plantation front. The porch Guards look at him, "What's your business here stranger?"
"I am ze' Chef, Doctor Von Monsieur I'mnotanactuallychefimreallygoingtosneakintoyourhouseandthenyouallaregoingtodie Ramsey." The Guards look at each other. "Sounds about right, head on in." The Pasta wizard grins and walks into the house.
Near where
Dagoth Ur is sleeping,
Simo Hayha scales up a tree and sits upon a sturdy branch near the top. He swings his legs over the sides, holding his Mosin Nagant in one hand and fishing a silencer out of his coat with the other. He combines the two items and then puts the scope to his eye, ready to finish off any signs of trouble.
Scout is walking along the path in front of the plantation, bored. "Man, I really wish my shift was over so I could go home and finish my Digimon/Inglorious Basterds crossover. Hey look, a horse!" He walks up to a seemingly normal horse, except for the fact that he was red and had big-ass anime eyes.
Big Mac looked at the Scout.
"I'm just a regular horse. Eeyup." (3 vs. 2-1) "Huh, I guess so. Bye." The Scout turns around, and then's when the stallion launches at him, bucking him in the ass. Not quite the head, but you get what you can get.
"Hey Old Spice dude, I'm bored, can we go somewhere cool?""Absolutely, follow me!"
Desertion to Awesomeland!The Stealth Field wears off.
Guard #1 and Guard #2 have meaningful discussion.
".....You wanna' make out?"
"That's gay."
"No it's not."
"Oh."
Sweeper #1 has a meaningful time trying to pull a Lasso off his jugular. (5-1 vs. 1) With a great tug, he pulls it off of his head. He rolls onto his stomach, gasping as air returns to his body. He scrambles up, (6 vs. 1-1) and then a silent sniper bullet turns his brain into an M-80.
Sweeper #2 looks around the field for any signs of danger. (3) No danger yet. He starts swinging his gun around and making shooting noises.
Overwatch looks out the window with his scope. (1) He spots an enemy! (3-1 vs. 2-1) He shoots, breaking the glasses and managing to hit Sweeper #2 in the toe! The man on the ground falls down, rolling in pain. "....whoops."
Sentry #1 walks around the dining room table, peering out the windows occasionally into the distance. He looks over his shoulder as he watches the chef lay down some pasta meals on the dining room table. He walks up to the chef, "Listen sir, I was wondering if you cook some spaghetti, what the right temperature to-" (6 vs. 4-1) A Spaghetti Spear to the abdomen. The Confederate Sentry falls on his face, crawling for the doorway, wheezing.
Sentry #2 is in the basement. "Man's it's cold in here."
Stablehand lunges for his Pitchfork. (6) He grabs it with his unpetrified arm region, tossing the pointy end at
Al Capone. (1-1 vs. 6) Somehow it ends up in his face.
The Patrol makes his way around the plantation, noticing something in the trees nearby. (6) He walks to the section only to find the
Dagoths occupying it. Without hesitation he raises his Kalashnikov before they see him. (6-1+1 vs. 3)
Dagoth Uthol gets three shots to the headpiece.
Dagoth Uthol is dead!As Ur slumps down onto a tree, dissipating into otherworldly material, The Patrol runs up to the napping
Dagoth Ur. (6-1+1 vs. 1) The Patrolman smashes his rifle butt into Ur's mask several times, awaking him from his demonic slumber. He then empties out a half of his rifle clip or so on the king's body, riddling it with bullets that go through him and put holes into the hammock he lays on. At this point, Ur attempts to defend himself, but the patrol smacks on the head with his flashlight. He runs towards the plantation afterwards, leaving Ur to die in his own spot of blood and pain.
(Fatally Wounded: Will be next turn unless given extreme emergency attention.The Scout, while alerted that something very wrong is happening, is also having to deal with a
Big Macintosh. (4-1 vs. 6) From the ground, he tries shooting at the stallion with his Hunting Rifle, but Big Mac steps on the rifle stock.
"Nope." (4 vs. 1-1) Big Mac pushes his hoof through the Scout's forehead and out the back of his brain.
Just as the Patrol gets past the trees, he gets surrounded by the
Kingston SWAT Team! (5 vs. 2-1) He speeds up, as he didn't feel like dealing with armored Jamaican on this particular night. It doesn't matter, because buckshot hits his spinal cord, tearing it apart as he falls mid-run to the ground in a spinning heap.
The Head Guard stops struggling, and immediately hears gunfire going off. Realizing the plantation must be under siege, he runs for the alarm. (5) Getting into the master study, the guard practically leaps onto the desk in his action of smashing a glass case with his fist onto a circular red button. Soon, the air is filled with the sounds of a crying siren.
The Alarm has been Raised!
Confederate Army Arriving Next Turn!-Head Guard-
The leader, also the only one with any actually military training.
Health: FineGuard #1: Guarding the front porch with Guard #2.
Items: Hunting Rifle
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Fine
Guard #2: Guarding the front porch with Guard #1.
Items: Hunting Rifle
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Fine
Sweeper #2: Sweeping the fields to the East.
Items: Shotgun with Flashlight
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Toe Shot
Overwatch: Looking out all the windows upstairs.
Items: Scoped Hunting Rifle
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Fine
Sentry #1: Stationed in the dining room on the first floor.
Items: Pistol
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Fine
Sentry #2: Stationed in the cellar in the basement.
Items: Revolver
Untrained: -1 to Combat
Health: Fine
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt, Pieces of Gurren Lagann,.
Health: Health: Fine
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat
Health: Fine
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: 2 Turn Cooldown), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Fatally Wounded: Mask-Face Smashed In, Shot to Pieces
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Health: Fine
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: Ready!)
Health: Fine
The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, TNT Sticks, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Firebombs, Mayo (5 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: Ready!), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Fine
Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: Sustained Casualties
Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Fine
Mr. Tom
Items:
Health: Fine
First person to finish the reference of this Chapter's name gets a cookie. :3
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Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 322314 times)