Chapter 74: Old Dog, New Tricks
Dagoth Ur contemplates the offer of
General Lee. Indecisively, the lord of chaos shrugs,
"Not sure what that was about, but I believe I will simply roll with it, as the vernacular goes." Ur descends from the roof-top and lands adjacent to the wounded
Swedish Chef. Ur kneels down by the viking,
"Do not fret, I have the perfect healing spell." (2) A photograph of a duck lands on the chef's face.
"Perhaps that's the wrong spell."Gary Motherfucking Oak does the manly thing and supports capitulation.
"I'm up for surrender if you guys are. On an unrelated note, anybody have a spare leg or some crutches?" He lamely swings his left leg, which has been cleanly cut off at the knee.
"Hmm...Nah." Applejack is quick with her decision, and utilizes the lull in the battle to rebuild her previously dismantled Heavy Machine Gat Nest O' Death En' Gravy(TM). (3) Tampering with the complex mechanism of the Heavy Machine Gat results in A.J. spending all of her time on unjamming her gun, with not even a second left to build up defensive fortifications before the actual fighting begins.
The Swedish Chef waves
Dagoth Ur away, as he already had the perfect cure for any ailment: A fresh jar of mayonnaise. It didn't actually heal wounds, but the mighty substance was enough to sharpen one's willpower until they could bypass any sort of pain or injury. The Chef rose to his feet, still bleeding and mangled, and managed to limp his way over to
General Lee. Producing the mighty Ad-Hoc Clipboard Questionnaire, the chef asks the General,
Hey Lee. Mind filling out this form detailing what you'd want as a meal to seal the deal if we take it? Lee stares at the Swedish Chef with a piercing gaze, his pupils seemingly inhuman. Before the Swede can react, the General draws his out his pistol and fires a shot point-black. (3 vs. 5) The bullet embeds itself in the center of the chef's resilient beard, the velocity of the bullet singes his facial hair, nearly catching it on fire.
"NO, MY ONLY WEAK POINT!"Al Capone looks over his broken arm.
"Son of a bitch got my arm." (4) Capone grabs a nearby tablecloth and wraps it around his arm, not fixing the damage, but alleviating the pain. He turns his head to see
The Swedish Chef receiving a bullet right in the beard. This prompts the gangster to charge
General Lee with his AK47 and Tommy Gun at the same time. (1 vs. 3) The tactic is flashy, but is only accurate enough to hit the general area around Lee, not his actually body. (2 vs. 5) The Confederate general fires a second bullet, this one piercing right through Capone's hat, knocking it right off his head.
"Ah no, mah' fuckin' hat!"The Pasta Wizard leaves the house with his Pasta Spoon tucked under his left armpit, the
Automated Turret under his right, looking and smelling like he'd just had an affair with Miss Mary Jane. The red-eyed magician pointed his spoon at Lee threateningly,
"I'd kill you, but sometimes you just have to think that the universe is huge and you're just a piece of it but the universe is also so small that you're more than everything and you might even the universe itself. Woah. That's some deep shit man." (4) The Wizard plops his turret down before encasing himself in a shell of solid linguini.
"THIS is my answer!" Like the other mare,
Twilight Sparkle doesn't waver from her original ideology one bit as she launches a wall of solid flame at
General Lee, and his horse in particular. (3 vs. 5) Lee snaps the reins of his horse, and the majestic equine is able to leap cleanly over the fireball, which sails past the Confederate harmlessly and makes impact on the side of a tree. At this point, Lee climbs down from his horse.
"I didn't expect such petty stubbornness from y'all, and it's come to mah' attention that you won't even give me proper consideration. How unfortunate." Lee rips the top portion of his uniform, leaving his torso suddenly bare. His torso is an extremely solid, well-built firm muscle, even including six-pack abdomens. His flesh is deep and full, certainly not anything one would expect.
"With my new genetic modifications under the Celestian powers, I have not only been able to regain my youth, but become even more fit than ever possible! The whole group of y'all are so impetuous! Your punishment is imminent!"(2) Twilight is too distracted by Lee's unabashedly hot body to perform her healing spell.
In the meantime,
Simo Hayha sneaks back into the house, taking up a sniper position in the attic upstairs, propping his Mosin-Nagant through an open windowsill. Down below, he witnessed the speech of
General Lee. A military-political figurehead giving a speech to an audience while a sniper assassin watched him through a scope. It was almost straight out of a catalog of infamous events in modern history. (3 vs. 6) The shot goes off, and a clump of dirt explodes next to Lee. Must have been wind interference or something. Lee glances upwards at the sniper spot. (3 vs. 1) Lee spins his pistol around his right index finger, before gripping the gun in both hands and returning a shot. The bullet slides right next to Hayha's head, blowing his right ear clean off. The sniper falls on his black, clutching at the sudden gaping hole in his head.
Altria Pendragon is the one to dismiss Gary's wishes of surrender.
"We aren't surrendering. And given that threat, are we really trespassing on their, how is it termed, 'nation' here? Anyhow, hold still. I'll tend to your leg." (5) It's a brutal and tender process with the Pokemon trainer's condition, but Altria improvises to manufacture nearby equipment into a wooden prosthetic leg for Gary.
"We musn't give up, there's still a lot more to accomplish."The
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team encircles
General Lee, attempting to overpower him in sheer numbers. (5 vs. 1) Lee smirks, as if having some sort of brilliant hand, when he suddenly is hit in the left knee by shotgun spread, then takes a 3-round burst of machine gun fire to the back, and a shotgun round to the chest, accompanied by a single MPSK bullet to the forehead. It's anticlimactic as the great general falls flat on his back. The team lingers around the body, before breaking off to perform other duties. At this point, Lee gets to his feet, no worse looking than if he was just recovering from a stumble.
The Automated Turret designates
General Lee as a new target. (2 vs. 1) The turret manages to pelt him a few times, before he begins giving off a strange blew aura. The weapon system of the turret suddenly jams temporarily.
Mr. Tom runs at
General Lee, clutching a stick of dynamite. (4 vs. 2) He flings it at the Confederate General, and it goes off right at his feet. Lee goes flying through the air, and somehow performs a recovery back-flip and lands at on the top of the barn.
Soldiers fire upon
General Lee. (4 vs. 4) They miss.
The Spaghetti Elemental hovers to the top of the barn next to Lee, attacking him with it's Shotgun. (5 vs. 1) The blast catches Lee right in the jaw. He goes flying back off the shed, falling fifty feet or so into the burning field behind the barn.
"MACHO MAN!" As if part of some coordinated attack,
Macho Man Randy Savage leaps off the barn roof after Lee. (4 vs. 1) He lands elbow-first into Lee's sternum. The general's body jerks in reaction before settling down.
General Lee stares into the night sky for a few seconds,
Macho Man Randy Savage laying next to him, cradling his elbow.
"Damn brother, I've got to admit, you've got one hard chest. What sort of exercises have you been working with?" (2 vs. 5) Lee stands up, pulling a sword out of his pants and swinging at the Macho Man. The wrestler stumbles back,
"Hey! Chill man, okay?!" Lee doesn't appear amused.
"I am a five-star general of the greatest station on Earth, and you buffoons treat me as an equal? How dare you!" Macho Man leaps forward at Lee, (5 vs. 1) seizes him by the neck, and hoists him into the air. Lee drops his sword on the soil of the field, struggling as Macho Man constricts his windpipe.
"You've got a serious power trip problem man!" Macho Man choke-slams Lee, slamming him right back into the ground.
"Don't you know when to toss in the towel?"Lee stands back up again. (4 vs. 5) He swings at Macho Man with giant hooks, hooks that Macho Man can tell are far stronger than any human had the ability to muster. Even with the strength difference, Randy Savage had decades of hand-to-hand combat experience on General Lee, and thus was able to duck and weave under his strikes. As Lee stumbled after performing particularly big Haymaker, Macho Man launched a counter attack, (6 vs. 5) and smashed the underside of Lee's jaw with an uppercut. The General's head twisted upwards, and he feel backwards stiff as a board. Macho Man panted, sweating profusely.
"Just stop! It's over, no matter how many fancy magical mumbo-jumbo pony steroids you take, you'll always be General Lee! You can get all the muscles and toughness you want, but you're spirit is the same as anyone else! You lost your damn war, and you're trying to lose it a second time! Tap out already!"General Lee stood up again, wiping his lip. Macho Man sighed deeply, resuming his fighting stance. (5 vs. 1) Lee came in with a punch to the stomach, and Macho Man was prepared to block it. Just a simple-
*Swwch*Lee's punch connected, even with Macho Man blocking it. The wrestler looked downwards; where Lee's regular arm should have been, was some sort of arm-shaped metallic spike that had gone through Macho Man's block, piercing through his arm, and into deep into his stomach. Lee withdrew his morphed blade from Macho Man, letting the wrestler fall onto his back, bleeding profusely. When he attempted to speak, he only made a bubbling sound as blood exited his mouth. The blade on Lee's arm changed back into flesh.
Lee shook his head as he went off to the side, retrieving his sword.
"Foolishly underestimating the powers that be. Speaking as if you know anything boy. I'm going to deal with the rest of your unit. I believe you to be strong though, and I think you'll still be alive when I come back here. At that point, if you'd like to be forgiven of your sins, you will be healed and become a great warrior of the Confederate Army. The choice is yours."The General began casually walking back to the farm, leaving Macho Man potentially for dead in the middle of a burning field.
Lee confronted the
H.O.E.S. once more, the bullet holes and bruises all over his body now mysteriously missing. He let out a hearty laugh as he swung his sword absently. He shouted into the sky above:
"Is this what you're combating me with Luna, a few crusty mares and a handful of rag tag hooligans? I've become far more powerful than any mortal could dream of! The Confederacy will become red once more with the blood our enemies!"
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt, High Quality Kush.
Health: Health: Fine (Pasta Cocooned)
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat
Health: Fine
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: 3 Turns), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Fine
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Health: Back Scratched Up by Shrapnel, Left Arm Broken
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: 2 Turns)
Health: Fine
The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Mayo (2 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: 2 Turns), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Burned, Abdomen Shot, Bleeding
Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Right Ear Gone, Bleeding
Gary Motherfucking Oak
Items:
Abilities: Bitchmobile Coming in Hot! (2 Turns: Ready!), Pokemon!
Health: Left Leg = Wooden Prosthetic
Altria Pendragon
Items: Plated Harness, Caliburn
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: 30/30
Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Fine
Mr. Tom
Items: Carlos Mencia DVD, TNT, Firebombs
Health: Fine
Soldiers
Items: Soldier Stuff
Items: 3/3
Hostages
Items:
Health: 30/30
Macho Man
Items: Ridiculous Spandex Suit
Health: Fatally Wounded
Spaghetti Elemental
Items: Spaghetti Bandages, Shotgun
Health: Fine
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 319978 times)