Chapter 75: Breakout
"YOUR MEAL IS PAIN!" The Swedish Chef roars as he straight up charges
General Lee for the atrocities he had committed against the sacred Swedish beard. (5 vs. 6) With Lee taking
Too Much Time to die, the Chef pulls out his kitchen utensils, stabbing at the General savagely. Lee evades all the attacks elegantly, at which point the Swede switches out for
Roland Deschain's Father's Guns. Before he can fire the guns, Lee knocks both guns out of his hands before he can react. As the guns clatter away, the Chef pulls out his Bowie Knife, stabbing at Lee's crotch, only to miss as Lee back-flips and side-steps out of the way every time.
"WHY. WON'T. YOU. DIE?!?!?!?!" The Chef screams as he pulls out his Spoon, bringing it down on a vertical ark onto Lee's head. Lee doesn't even look up as his right hand instinctively grabs the Chef's wrist, stopping the attack before it connects. (3 vs. 6) Lee steps back and simply throws him over his shoulder. The Swedish Chef goes flying back, but is able to recover unharmed by performing a recovery roll upon impact with the ground.
"Aw heck, WE GOTTA MAN DOWN OVER THERE!" Applejack witnesses
General Lee tearing through her entire army. This prompts her to abandon the house, running outside with the Heavy Machine Gat in-hoof.
"Let's see how ya like this!" (4 vs. 5) The orange mare props up her machine gun as she fires the entire magazine into General Lee's general vicinity. As the bullet pour forth, the smoke from the barrel of the gun begins to cloud her vision.
*Click* As the magazine finishes, the smoke begins to clear. Lee is nowhere to be seen.
"So, did ah' just disintegrate him?" (2 vs. 6) Lee reappears, on top of the house's roof.
"Ah gravy!"Al Capone gets back up, and even recovers his hat. He stares at the hole that bore it's way straight through the fabric. He grimaces and puts it back on his head. He angrily plods over to the barn, putting a hand on the Revolver in his pocket, acting like this was just another hit on some unsuspecting sucker walking down the street.
"Hey you sonva' bitch, why dontcha' try on this?!" (3 vs. 5) The gangsta pulls out his six-shooter and blasts at
General Lee. The General simply stands there as Capone fires, everyone unsure whether he's just missing his shots, or Lee just isn't reacting to them. When Al runs through his whole cylinder, Lee jumps off the barn, landing on his feet, and charges straight at him. (2 vs. 4) Lee's right arm transfigures into a blade once more, and Capone just barely ducks under it, landing face-first on the ground.
Before
General Lee can continue attacking Capone,
Dagoth Ur decides to intervene.
"Hm... perhaps I can help someone else, then!" Ur levitates above the ground,
Lee! I have a gift for you!" (3 vs. 5) As Lee is infected with Corpus he begins to...not move or react at all. Ur can feel that something strange is afoot,
"All living creatures can are subject to Corpus, how can one build the immunity to-" (5 vs. 3) Before Dagoth can finish his thought, Lee shoots him with something bright and green. There's no time to make out exactly what it is, but Dagoth Ur is sent flying backwards through the air and into the Attic where
Simo Hayha has taken a sniper position. The king of the underworld ends his flight by crashing into some old wooden attic boxes.
Altria Pendragon stands by the side of the Hostages.
"Alright you all, keep quiet and stay here. If in doubt, barricade any entrance -- give way for yourselves, and unless there is another exit out of this location and not into open field, then stay put. Unless we can sneak off as the others keep the general occupied, I see nothing else but staying in place here and hoping that he doesn't turn into more of an an uncouth lout to directly attack this area. Does anyone here know an alternate path?" One woman speaks up, "There are multiple trails out of here, but I'd rather stay put until the fires are put out." Seeing that there's no current proper evacuation, Altria decides to help out in the battle, by observing Lee and seeing what she can figure out. (1) Altria utilizes her excellent skills of observation by running outside, tripping down the porch steps and landing on her face in the dirt.
Simo Hayha is treated to
Dagoth Ur flying through his upstairs window and crashing into some inventory. Man, that guy got messed up, he needs serious medical attention after a hit like that. Thus, Hayha tended to the most important matters first. (3) Simo slowed the bleeding in his ear by patching it up with some priceless old literature he found in the boxes. The sniper looked at
General Lee and profoundly declared,
"What a dick!" He hustled over to the broken window, aiming to get his revenge with a shot below the belt. (6 vs. 3) The bullet lands straight in his pants, and the General stumbles back. However, it looks like he wasn't in much pain or sustained an injury.
The Pastawizard smokes weed erry day.
"WOOOOOOOOOOO-" He collapses on the ground.
"EVERYTHING IS SO GOOD LIKE SHIT BRO.""Woohoo, peg leg! All I need now is an eyepatch. Anyhow, Lee, fuck your shit." Gary Motherfucking Oak calls for the
Bitchmobile! (2 vs. 3)
General Lee jumps over a speeding car of babealicious girls, and rolls under Blastoise! (1 vs. 6) Blastoise uses Hydro pump on the General Lee! The General Lee goes flying.
Lee ends up being blasted thirty meters away, flopping on the ground.
Twilight Sparkle heals her team! (2) The unicorn summons up Channing Tatum fanfiction.
"Um. Er. Lee! Die!" (3 vs. 3) Lee gets hit with a fireball.
General Lee stands up uninjured, though with all sorts of markings from his latest attacks.
"I'm gettin' mighty tired of this! Y'all wouldn't know how to kill a goddamn Yankee! I'll show you how we do things down here!"(Roll: 3^2 = 9 vs. 5)
"BEHOLD! THE ULTIMATE-"Lee is cut short as a buzzing sound erupts from the nearby forest. Above it, a squadron of black helicopters flies in, coming to a hover over the battlefield. Tanks and armored vehicles swerve around the house, into the yard. Soldiers of all sort, pony, human, beast, sentient plant, elf, dwarf, undead, machine, and more all descend onto the plantation. General Lee soon finds more barrels pointed at him than during the whole Civil War.
"GENERAL LEE! YOU HAVE BEEN ACCUSED FOR WAR CRIMES AGAINST HARMONY BY THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC! THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SURRENDER WITHOUT BEING HARMED!"Lee doesn't move an inch, his facial expression merely turning to a scowl. Then, he's gone. Not shot or obliterated, everyone blinks and he just disappears.
"DON'T FALL FOR IT EVERYONE! HE'S SIMPLY FLED, SECURE THE PERIMETER!" The soldiers move into the house, rounding up the hostages and liberating them. A brown stallion approaches the
H.O.E.S."Our sources have indicated that Lee is teleporting as we speak, right through those hills." He motions towards a series of hills to the east.
"However, after his latest display of power here, he won't have enough to get to the front lines of the battle, which is his current location. Your goal is to pursue him and stop him by any means necessary. He won't be as strong as he was here, he's no wizard, he's merely utilizing illicit genetic manipulation given to him by Celestial forces. Don't underestimate him though, his cunning means he could still have a contingency plan under his sleeves. It seems that Macho Man Randy Savage has been injured to badly to follow you. You'll have to go at this one alone, but we'll send any suitable reinforcements we can. The hostages will be safe, they're in our hands now. Regroup, pick up anything you need and go! We can't afford to waist any more time, millions are dying on the main battlefield. We win this, and Celestia will be forced out of the Western Hemisphere. For the Lunar Empire!"Spoils:Rifles
Shotgun with Flashlight
Sabers
Cannon
3 Gatling Guns
Revolver
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt, High Quality Kush.
Health: Health: Fine (Pasta Cocooned)
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat
Health: Fine
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: Ready!), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Fine
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Health: Back Scratched Up by Shrapnel, Left Arm Broken
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: 2 Turns)
Health: Fine
The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Mayo (2 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: 2 Turns), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Burned, Abdomen Shot, Bleeding
Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Right Ear Gone, Bleeding
Gary Motherfucking Oak
Items:
Abilities: Bitchmobile Coming in Hot! (2 Turns: 2 Turns), Pokemon!
Health: Left Leg = Wooden Prosthetic
Altria Pendragon
Items: Plated Harness, Caliburn
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: 30/30
Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Fine
Mr. Tom
Items: Carlos Mencia DVD, TNT, Firebombs
Health: Fine
Soldiers
Items: Soldier Stuff
Items: 3/3
Hostages
Items:
Health: 30/30
Macho Man
Items: Ridiculous Spandex Suit
Health: Fatally Wounded
Spaghetti Elemental
Items: Spaghetti Bandages, Shotgun
Health: Fine
So this 'way-too-long-goddamn-2nd-American-Civil-War-Arc-Thing-Goddamn-How-Long-Has-This-Been-Going-On-For-Like-Half-A-Year-In-RL-Time?' is coming to a close quite soon. I must warn you, there's one more battle the H.O.E.S. will face before meeting Lee in the final duel. This is a battle I've been planning for a long time though, and perhaps it will be worth it.
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 319279 times)