I've decided to try to put my obsessively analytical personality to good use and document things as I go. I'm always trying to understand how and why my body and mind work they way they do, and how to modify them. I have a lot of physical and neurological problems, so it's an interesting study with no shortage of possibilities to consider.
One possible cause of my allergies and eczema is sodium: apparently high sodium intake has been linked to autoimmune diseases such as these. I cut much of the salt out of my diet about a month ago (end of April) – no more potato chips, tortilla chips, etc., and very little bread (since it is apparently a large hidden source of sodium), and I almost never get takeout food anymore (even pizza, which I used to have at least once or twice a week). Basically, I started cooking almost everything I eat from scratch, which is a lot more work, but worth it if I can get this rash to go away. I don’t even put much salt in the food, and the salt I do use is sea salt, since apparently it contains way more minerals and nutrients, rather than the pure NaCl of refined salt.
So far the low-salt thing is going well. I never felt good about all the preservatives in pre-made food, and the salt thing pushed me over the edge. I can definitely maintain this long-term and I enjoy cooking anyway. And I have noticed that my allergies are much better this year than last, though whether that is the result of the reduced sodium intake remains to be seen. I am keeping track of what I eat each day and trying to make sure I'm not inadvertently taking in loads of salt, or else replacing it with something else which is also bad for me. I already caught myself eating extra sweets to make up for it, and decided to increase my fat intake since I might be missing extra calories from cutting out salty stuff.
Original post:
The next step was gluten. I discovered about a year ago that I was lactose intolerant, with mortifyingly foul-smelling gas. I reluctantly cut my dairy intake to almost nothing (and completely cut out milk) and the situation improved. However, I still have some odd problems, including the allergies and some stomach issues. It has been suggested to me by several sources that I might actually be gluten intolerant, and eating gluten is causing all these problems (and messing up my system so I can no longer process dairy – I might not even be lactose intolerant). I have resisted considering this possibility for a long time because I LOVE bread. Pitas, sandwiches, flatbread, crackers, not to mention pizza (homemade now due to sodium considerations), pasta, bulgur, couscous, dumplings, pastries, noodles… The list goes on and on. I feed on this stuff almost constantly. I like rice and potatoes, but they never fill me up the way bread does, and they’re never as convenient to eat.
I've finally decided to give the idea a chance. Starting Sunday, I completely cut gluten out of my diet. I will continue this for a week and evaluate whether it’s worth continuing. I will log my progress and daily notes in this thread. If anyone wants to join me, or offer feedback or ideas, you are welcome.
I didn’t keep careful track of my food before today, but from Sunday to Tuesday the only starchy foods I ate were potatoes and rice. Mostly I ate stir-frys, homemade fries, and various sauces with rice. In general I was feeling much more tired than usual, and with a much bigger appetite – even after stuffing my belly with rice and beans, I never quite feel that cozy “full” feeling that tells me I’ve had enough. I keep finding myself hunting around for snacks, but not finding anything that doesn’t contain gluten. I’m restless and unsettled.
Important notes:
-I must also take into consideration that my hormone levels are very high this week, so this is a factor as well. I might have to do this for two weeks to have more balanced results.
-I work in a preschool so snacks are built into my daily schedule.
-I am not a vegetarian by philosophy and I do not refuse to eat meat, but I don’t eat much of it because it is expensive and I don’t know how to cook it very well. I prefer the taste of vegetarian food anyway.
-Any food that I didn’t make myself will be noted as such.
Conclusion:
After a week without gluten there were no positive effects, but plenty of negative ones. I was tired, irritable, always hungry, and generally just feeling awful. I even stopped enjoying food. When the week was over I resumed eating plenty of gluten with no ill effects to report.
(First Day Notes from original post)
Food for the day:
Drinks: Lots of tea (Oolong), a glass of chocolate soya milk, plenty of water
Breakfast – Greek-style yogurt with homemade strawberry-rhubarb preserves for flavor. Four rice cakes (flavored with soy) with a small amount of tahini spread on them.
Snack – A handful of chopped yellow bell peppers, cucumber, granny smith apple, and blueberries.
Lunch – A small bowl of split pea soup (provided by school, details unknown but all school food is organic and low-sodium for the kids). A big salad of tomato, ripe avocado, red pepper, and sliced turkey sandwich meat (biggest source of sodium for the day). No added salt or sauce of any kind.
Snack – A small pot of yogurt with the strawberry-rhubarb preserves. A handful of homemade roasted peas rolled in tandoori masala spice.
Dinner – Two bowls of veggie soup with fresh chopped herbs and a pinch of sea salt, rice noodles, and egg. Tasted so bland I added about a teaspoon of store-bought sriracha (small enough amount that the sodium level isn't a big problem, though I regret the preservatives).
Planning to make a batch of cornbread using this recipe: http://www.plantoeat.com/blog/2012/06/100-cornmeal-cornbread-gluten-free/
General feeling:
Overall moodiness, easily attributable to hormones.
General feeling of hunger all day. Constantly reaching for the roasted peas to munch on. Work doesn’t give much time to hunt for snacks (not supposed to eat while the children are not eating) so spent most of the day feeling uncomfortably hungry. Spent the hour-long trip home thinking about how hungry I was, desperate to stop at a pizza stand for a slice, but fought the urge.
Not sure if I could keep this up long-term. Would I get used to this food and stop feeling so hungry all the time?
Realized today that although I’ve been eating ice cream and cheese during the week (today being the exception – yogurt is safe for lactose intolerance), I haven’t had any of the embarrassing gas I normally get. Might be I just haven’t had enough to cause a problem, but could actually be that the glucose really is causing the dairy problems. I kind of hope not – I miss my bread so much I feel like crying.
I was discussing with someone various problems I've had recently and she suggested a possible vitamin B12 deficiency. Apparently this is quite common in people who don't eat much meat and don't realize how important this vitamin is, so they don't find another source for it (true in my case for at least the past year or two). The symptoms include drowsiness, confusion, memory problems, concentration problems, "brain fog," and even psychosis if left unchecked for too long. She suggested that I start taking a B12 supplement immediately. If my symptoms improve within a month, it is probably the B12, as other causes for these symptoms would probably not suddenly go away. If it does not get better in a month, the supplements are not helping and I can discard them and seek other explanations for my problems. In any case, extra B12 isn't going to do me any harm.
She suggested taking 2500 mcg of B12 each day, but that seems quite high to me since the highest concentration I could find in pill form was 500 mcg. I've decided to take 1500 per day (3 pills) and see how it goes. I'm tracking my related symptoms carefully, hour by hour on charts I've made for this purpose. For now I'm hand-writing the charts each day. I hope to put these charts into the computer soon.
I've always been terribly messy. My apartment was an utter disaster and I could never get myself to keep the place tidy. There were many factors here. I had no habits of spending time on cleaning - I was never given chores growing up or even encouraged to clean. When I moved away from home I had flatmates who pressured me to clean up after myself, but I always waited for them to ask before I did any cleaning. Now I live alone and there is no one to tell me to clean. Combined with this is a recent problem with depression and a lack of energy at the end of each day when I get home which sucks away all my motivation. My current goal is essentially to program myself with a compulsion to keep things clean.
The idea is to solidly imprint myself with an image of how everything *should* look. Until now I knew it was a mess, but I didn't have a clear image of how it should look and the idea of finding a place for everything was overly daunting. Now I'm deep-cleaning the entire apartment and forcing myself to keep each item in its clean state. If there is a mess somewhere, it should irritate me, as it is not the way it is supposed to be, and I must interrupt whatever I'm doing to fix it. So far I am already having success with keeping the living room floor vacuumed (once per day), and the sink and drying rack in the kitchen clear of dishes. As I finish cleaning each item I must hold on to that clear image of how it looks in its clean state so that I can easily keep it that way. It should get to the point where I am bothered by things being out of place, so it doesn't take any extra effort to push myself to tidy it up.
Conclusion
After only about a week of trying to develop these cleaning habits, there has been great success. I am vacuuming the apartment just about every day (which automatically means tidying so I can reach the whole floor) and always washing dishes and putting them away, as well as wiping down counters and tables, etc. I have developed the habit of tidying and keeping things clean. I feel better about my environment, which makes me feel better emotionally. I have a general feeling of accomplishing something, getting things done, and even when I'm feeling tired, I no longer feel lazy and I can still get up and do things that need doing. The hesitation and lack of motivation I used to feel is disappearing, not only when it comes to cleaning, but even with doing paperwork, paying bills, keeping in touch with friends, etc. I will still keep an eye on myself to make sure these habits don't degrade with time, but as of now (9 June), I'm calling this a success.
I am now looking for some other people to help me with my data collection. I have plenty of data on myself and I know my own opinions on what is normal and reasonable, what is unusual, what I should expect from myself, but actually I don't really have anything to compare it to. For all I know, other people have completely different ideas. Maybe I'm not as unusual as I think I am. Maybe others feel the same way as me and I just don't realize it. Or maybe I really am very different. Talking to others about it and speaking in generalizations doesn't really help because everything is so subjective and relative. What I need is real data.
My request to anyone willing to help out is to gather data on yourselves, the same way I am still doing. One day, a few days, a week, a month, however much you are willing to do. I have uploaded a blank "symptom tracker" form, the same one I use to keep track of my moods and status. It is mostly based on the symptoms of B12 deficiency, including the opposite state of each symptom. I fill in the chart every hour that I'm awake, but for others, I'd be happy with whatever data you're willing to offer. Fill it in once every few hours, or just a couple times a day - it will still be useful information.
You can get the blank chart here. (https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2DGqVenpQgvZm5wYnd2Qy1Xc3c/edit?usp=sharing) Please let me know if there are any problems with the link.
Here are the instructions for how to fill out the chart. (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HozHYvtPDBKOU2LDPlcIEaVLhkv8exopDspoymuMu8I/edit?usp=sharing[/url)
What I Will Do With This Data
I am already working on compiling my own data in a useful, readable format. I will make all of my own tables available to the public to view in case anyone wants to see them, but mostly I will present the results in graphs and charts. I will add data provided by volunteers as a comparison, show average values, etc., depending on how many people I get data from. Of course data will be kept anonymous if anyone doesn't want it associated with their name (or if you want to have your name on it, that's possible as well).
XKCD (http://xkcd.com/) has posted a very appropriate comic, very well-timed for this experiment:
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pastime.png)
The root of what I'm trying to get at here, is how different are we really from one another when it comes to these things we don't normally talk about? Let's find out using !!SCIENCE!!
Skyrunner: Even rice cakes are not filling enough for me. They are too light. Yes, I can fill my belly with them until I can't eat anymore, but that gnawing feeling that I'm still hungry never goes away. Last night after my soup, which was very little liquid and almost entirely vegetables and rice noodles, my belly was so full I couldn't eat anymore, but it felt like I was full from drinking several liters of water or something. Yes, I couldn't fit anything else in there, but I was still really hungry. This was never the case when I used wheat noodles for this soup. And yes, rice cakes have salt and preservatives in them, so I'm trying not to rely on that.
DWC: I can't eat the same food every day, and I eat mostly vegetarian food. I do not cook meat at all, most I might have is a tiny bit on a sandwich or can of tuna on a salad, but even that is rare. I'm not going to start cooking chicken (which is also full of horrible chemicals, antibiotics, and hormones, by the way), and if I had to eat the same food all the time I would go completely insane. I can eat the same stuff for about two days and then I never want to see it again. I hate wasting food, but if there's leftovers after that, I just can't bring myself to eat it. Also, if I do anything too repetitive, I end up getting myself stuck in a horrible rut that always leads to depression. (I'm sure there will be plenty of chances to explain some of my neurological/psychological issues during other "experiments.") If I don't have variety, the results will be far less healthy than eating some beans or tofu or yogurt. I'm not at all convinced that legumes are bad for you anyway. My body is already full of estrogen, being a girl and all. Entire cultures live on little more than rice and beans and they seem to do just fine. East Asians are some of the healthiest people in the world, and their diet is based on these things and little else.
Yes, you can survive on very little salt, and my eventual goal is to cut it down even further, but I'm cutting myself a little slack on this one for now. I was raised on a dangerously sodium-high diet (quite literally, McDonald's, hot pockets, and instant ramen for most meals). My mother almost never cooked anything. When I moved out, I cut back on a lot of this stuff, and when I moved to Europe I discovered that it's far cheaper to eat healthier food, but I still kept a package of potato chips or pretzels on hand all the time for late-night snacks. Now I've finally cut these snacks out and stopped grabbing pizza slices on my way home from work, and it's extremely difficult. These foods are highly addictive, and I'm still trying to break that. When I cook food with very low salt, it tastes like paper. I know this will change with time, but I'm allowing a little bit of "flavor" for each meal now, especially while I'm cutting the gluten, which is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I'm sure gluten is not bad for you unless you are allergic/intolerant to it. I've heard that if you have a weight problem, cutting gluten helps a lot, but I am at the lower extreme of the healthy weight range for my height. (I'm 170 cm / 5'7" and weigh about 53 kg/117 lbs.) In fact I'm slightly worried that all these new dietary restrictions might cause me to lose more weight, due to my fast metabolism, and put me in the unhealthy category.
I also have extremely low blood pressure and poor circulation. When I get out of the shower each morning my hands turn purple or blue until I get my clothes on. I'm trying to take shorter showers with cooler water to help my skin (will have to do this more seriously as a later experiment), but whenever I get in the shower with water that is less than hot, my hands turn blue immediately and it gets difficult to move them, not to mention getting shivers all down my body - and that's just from lukewarm water, nevermind cold! I have to find a way to help this as well. I keep hearing about cutting sodium to help lower blood pressure, but I hope mine doesn't drop anymore...
I could write more but I'm going to be late for work! Starting today's notes:
Breakfast: A glass of apple juice cut with water and a banana. Plan to eat a bit more when I get to work, will update as I am able.
Feelings:
Woke up feeling awful. No energy, somewhat depressed. Not sure what I'm going to have for lunch today as I was too lethargic last night to cook anything. Didn't even get the banana bread done. Might have to rely on rice cakes and tahini spread for most of today. Will see what food I can get from the school.
Anyway, I don't like liver, so that's out simply because of taste. And I don't like most fish, just tuna and occasionally battered and fried haddock, or a bit of salmon if it's cooked exactly how I like. : )
Tahini on rice cakes is the most filling thing I've found so far (it turns out the rice cakes I'm buying have no preservatives and almost no salt - 5 mg per 100 g of cakes). It gets old fast though.
I'm also not sold on the "dairy is bad for you" thing. I get that most of the world is lactose intolerant after childhood. That's perfectly reasonable - unless our ancestors ate it, we have no reason to digest it as adults. But if your ancestry evolved to digest dairy as an adult, I don't see why it would be bad for you. Sure, if it's full of hormones or something, that's no good, but the dairy itself seems fine to me. I keep hearing the "cow's milk is meant for baby cows" line, but that's meaningless. The only thing on this entire planet that is "meant" for human consumption is human milk. Everything else we eat has been stolen from another purpose. Grains and beans and fruits and vegetables are mostly seeds or seed support, designed to grow new plants. Meat is designed to be alive and control the body - after it dies it's just decomposing carbon matter like everything else. Herbivores have evolved to digest this plant matter and use it for fuel. Carnivores have evolved to do the same with meat. But none of these things are designed by nature to be food. Some plants evolved the ability to steal energy from the sun, herbivores evolved to steal that, and carnivores evolved to steal that. Humans have evolved the ability to obtain nutrition from a very wide variety of substances. We take that meat and we cook it to kill the bacteria and change the flavor and we eat it. We take the plants and do all manner of strange things to them and eat them too. And we take the milk and we pasteurize and process it into a drink for humans, or cheese, or ice cream, or yogurt, etc. We don't need it to survive, but I really don't think it's hurting us.
If someone is lactose intolerant and can't process the lactose, then this can cause a problem, but saying dairy contains an opium analogue is a non-issue from where I stand. Poppy seeds contain opium and people here eat them by the kilo in all manner of different foods. Chocolate is addictive by virtue its calories being exactly 50% each fat and sugar, which makes our brains throw a little happy party. Coffee and tea have both been proven to be beneficial to our health and both contain high amounts of caffeine. Wine and beer are both poisonous in large quantities but both are healthy when consumed moderately. I'm not bothered in the slightest by some opium analogue in my dairy. Who says opiates are bad anyway? They have plenty of positive benefits. Hell, I have severe anxiety issues - it would probably do me good to have opiates in my diet. And being addicted to something is not unhealthy per se. It's only a problem if the addiction is to something harmful. If I'm addicted to practicing Tai Chi (and I am), it's only going to do me good.
Okay, updated notes before my break ends:
Breakfast: a banana, a glass of apple juice cut with lots of water, a small pot of yogurt with homemade strawberry/rhubarb jam, a cup of green tea.
Snack: A handful of almonds (unsalted) and raisins, cut fresh carrot and cucumber, and a few rice cakes with soy in them.
Lunch: Leftover rice noodle soup from last night, a small bowl of corn and vegetable soup (provided by school), a large cup of oolong/green tea mixed.
Feelings:
-Woke up feeling awful. No energy, somewhat depressed. Not sure what I'm going to have for lunch today as I was too lethargic last night to cook anything. Didn't even get the banana bread done. Might have to rely on rice cakes and tahini spread for most of today. Will see what food I can get from the school.
-Sleepy and grouchy all morning on a field trip with the kids. Was desperate to nod off and take a nap and hungry all morning. Just finished my lunch and I'm still SO hungry. I was dreading eating more of this soup though, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I am a person who thoroughly enjoys food, cooking and eating, and this is just torture. The kids got spaghetti today, my favorite school lunch. I wanted to cry. I'm so sleepy... I will probably fall asleep while the kids are in their aikido class later, even though I should be using that time to write reports.
-If it turns out I am glucose intolerant, I will have to very seriously weigh the health risks of continuing to eat grain over the psychological dangers of cutting it out my diet long-term.
Actually today I've been so miserable about not getting to eat, I'm considering canceling this experiment a little early. My allergies are much worse today than they've been lately, leading me to believe that this problem is in no way related to gluten. I suppose I could do a quick test by eating loads of cheese and ice cream and seeing if I get gassy (if not, it would mean the lactose intolerance really is caused by a gluten intolerance, and cutting gluten fixed the lactose problem), but I'm not sure if I've been doing this long enough for the lactose intolerance to have been fixed anyway.
I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm miserable, and I'm hungry. Again, much of this could be attributed to hormones (hooray for being female), but I don't know how much. It might be a better idea to put this one on hold until my hormones are at a more stable level (not that they are ever really stable), but then I'd have wasted these five days of misery. Maybe I will stick it out just two more days... But then again, tomorrow I have to get up at 6.30 am, race to work, and then immediately after I have to (literally) run to a Taiji workshop which doesn't end until 8.30. That's 14 hours without any proper break (and definitely without any time to get food I haven't pre-made), and I have to have high energy for the workshop. Then Saturday I have Taiji training in the morning followed by a demonstration at a big local sports event for the afternoon. No time for cooking in any of that, and any food that will be available will most definitely include gluten and insane amounts of refined salt. Unless I can prepare food tonight to last the next two days (not likely given my current energy and stress levels), I might have no choice but to bail on the gluten-free test prematurely.
I suppose tonight I will make rice and beans (or maybe potatoes and beans instead), I have a good recipe and that, at least, should be filling. Maybe I'll have some chocolate or something for dessert... How is it that people are always worried about eating too *many* calories when I'm having such a hard time eating enough?
EDIT: Rather than double-post I'll add my updated notes here. Please note, by the way, that I'm not keeping tally of how much water I drink - I drink loads and loads of it, always thirsty it seems, so don't worry that I'm dehydrating myself by drinking only tea, etc.
Breakfast: a banana, a glass of apple juice cut with lots of water, a small pot of yogurt with homemade strawberry/rhubarb jam, a cup of green tea.
Snack: A handful of almonds (unsalted) and raisins, cut fresh carrot and cucumber, and a few rice cakes with soy in them.
Lunch: Leftover rice noodle soup from last night, a small bowl of corn and vegetable soup (provided by school), a large cup of oolong/green tea mixed.
Snack: A small plate of leftover boiled potatoes with stewed red cabbage from the kids' lunch (tasted awfully salty, but maybe I'm just getting used to the taste of low-salt food), a handful of chopped veggies (mostly carrots) and fruit (mostly apple). More tea.
Dinner: A generous plate of boiled potatoes (low salt, flavored with chopped spring onion greens) and stewed red kidney beans with onion, garlic, and mushrooms, fresh basil, and soy sauce. Several glasses of water with a bit of homemade strawberry-rhubarb syrup for nice flavor. A cup of herbal tea designed to combat allergies.*
Evening: A cup of tea from medunka (Czech word), which Wikipedia is translating as lemon balm, but this is a type without the lemon flavor (has anti-anxiety and sleep-inducing properties, many times stronger than chamomile - I highly recommend it to anyone with anxiety/sleep issues). Small bowl of vanilla ice cream (Carte d'Or brand) with a touch of the strawberry-rhubarb syrup.
Feelings:
-Woke up feeling awful. No energy, somewhat depressed. Not sure what I'm going to have for lunch today as I was too lethargic last night to cook anything. Didn't even get the cornbread done. Might have to rely on rice cakes and tahini spread for most of today. Will see what food I can get from the school.
-Sleepy and grouchy all morning on a field trip with the kids. Was desperate to nod off and take a nap and hungry all morning. Just finished my lunch and I'm still SO hungry. I was dreading eating more of this soup though, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I am a person who thoroughly enjoys food, cooking and eating, and this is just torture. The kids got spaghetti today, my favorite school lunch. I wanted to cry. I'm so sleepy... I will probably fall asleep while the kids are in their aikido class later, even though I should be using that time to write reports.
-If it turns out I am glucose intolerant, I will have to very seriously weigh the health risks of continuing to eat grain over the psychological dangers of cutting it out my diet long-term.
-After dinner I do actually feel full for a change. Hooray for beans and potatoes! I have leftovers to bring to work for lunch tomorrow, though I ate all the potatoes so I had to cook some rice for tomorrow. I am going to try to motivate myself to make that cornbread now, to get me through the day without the stress of hunting for more snacks during work.
*A friend of mine is studying herbal medicine. For the most part I don't think it has any advantage over traditional medicine (and at times it's pure nonsense), but there are cases where using pills result in a lot of side effects and herbal analogues can work better. Note that this is NOT homeopathic medicine, which is snake oil bullshit. The quantities of herbs used in this field are carefully measured and far higher than what you'd get from the herbal placebo nonsense you can buy at the supermarket. There are actually useful chemicals in these plants that can make a big difference. For this tea, my friend gave me a list of six different herbs which she said would help my allergies. I thought it was bullshit, but was desperate after years of suffering, so I figured I'd give it a chance. To my great surprise, after a few weeks I found my eczema rashes improving (though not disappearing) and after a year and a half of regular consumption, I was amazed this spring to find my allergies are greatly reduced from last year (and the 15 years before that). I don't know for sure if it's really just the tea (these herbs must contain some kind of antihistamines, I think), if other dietary changes are contributing as well, or what, but after a week of not drinking the tea (I had run out and figured I'd be fine for a few weeks without it, just to take a break), today I feel much worse than before. So I restocked on the herbs and tonight I'm starting my tea regimen again. This should appear twice a day from now on. Hopefully the allergies will get better as a result. More experiments!!!
Pass on the recipe for the corn cake! I don't have too much of a sweet tooth these days but I don't mind eating more sweets, especially honey which isn't nearly as concentrated as pure sugar.
I don't want to argue about herbal medicine. I have my own opinions on it but I'm sure it's not the kind of thing you can easily persuade others to change their minds about, especially online. I will continue to drink my tea because for whatever reason, it seems to help with no side effects. Aside from that I don't generally use herbal medicine. I don't generally use western medicine either, except in really severe circumstances. Too many bad experiences.
Anyway, very little time this morning, have to run to work.
Breakfast: banana, glass of diluted apple juice, glass of double-strength anti-allergy tea (which means double bad taste, bleeeccchhhhh)
Woke up with whole system feeling clogged up from allergies. Must be some new pollen in the air or something. Maybe birch trees? Those tend to be really terrible. Hoping that things get better as I continue to drink the tea. Not looking forward to work, but less lethargic and miserable than I've been. Hormone levels might finally be stabilizing. I've noted over the past few days that toilet habits have not changed at all under this gluten-free diet. I know it's only been just under a week, but I would have expected at least a small difference by now if I was gluten intolerant. Add to that the fact that I was tested for celiac about ten years ago and the test came back negative (false negatives are possible though, and I could have developed it by now anyway), and I'm leaning even more heavily towards "no gluten intolerance." I suppose the real test will come when I add the gluten back to my diet.
I've actually just gotten some information about vitamin B12. Apparently it's crucial for a lot of neurological function, especially memory, and a deficiency can cause all kinds of issues including terrible memory, brain fog, and even signs of psychosis. My almost entirely vegetarian diet doesn't seem to include any sources of this important vitamin. Generally I consider all vitamin pill supplements to be hokum, but I talked to some other people with asperger syndrome who said they've had great success taking 2500 mg of B12 in pill form each day to help their memory issues. So I've decided that this gluten-free experiment will end after today, and tomorrow I will buy some B12 pills and start a new experiment, carefully tracking my cognitive function as I take the pills each day to see if there is any improvement.
Breakfast: banana, glass of diluted apple juice, glass of double-strength anti-allergy tea (which means double bad taste, bleeeccchhhhh)
Snack: Chopped veggies, a few spears of boiled white asparagus (the lunch lady cooked it for us as a treat), a large slice of cornbread
Lunch: Rice and beans from last night (a big plate), cup of oolong tea
Snack: Bit of chopped veggies, more cornbread
Dinner: Can of pre-made "Mexico" flavor tuna salad (I shudder to think of the sodium and preservative content of this, but I was rushing to my Taiji workshop and didn't have any time to grab anything else), another slice of cornbread, anti-allergy tea
-Woke up with whole system feeling clogged up from allergies. Must be some new pollen in the air or something. Maybe birch trees? Those tend to be really terrible. Hoping that things get better as I continue to drink the tea. Not looking forward to work, but less lethargic and miserable than I've been. Hormone levels might finally be stabilizing. I've noted over the past few days that toilet habits have not changed at all under this gluten-free diet. I know it's only been just under a week, but I would have expected at least a small difference by now if I was gluten intolerant. Add to that the fact that I was tested for celiac about ten years ago and the test came back negative (false negatives are possible though, and I could have developed it by now anyway), and I'm leaning even more heavily towards "no gluten intolerance." I suppose the real test will come when I add the gluten back to my diet.
-As of evening, still feeling hungry, considering breaking the diet early and just boiling up some pasta. I don't even have any bread since I haven't bought any this week. I grabbed some potatoes on the way home from the workshop, considering making a batch of fries, but it's already really late and I have to get up for training in the morning...
Hopefully tomorrow I'll find time to neaten up the first post of this thread. I'll try to put each experiment in its own spoiler with the daily notes organized in each one. Eventually I will move the notes somewhere else, maybe Google docs for convenience, and just provide a link to each one. I'm looking forward to making the spreadsheets. Ohhhh beautiful, beautiful spreadsheets!!! :D
Gluten-free week is over but the pharmacies aren't open until Monday, so it looks like I'm on a break this weekend. Tomorrow morning after Taiji training I might head to the only pharmacy I know that's open on weekends and grab the pills to start that tomorrow. For now I'll just keep track of my food and overall mood, watch for any changes with the re-introduction of the gluten, and try to do some organizational things in my life like cleaning my apartment, catching up on drawing comics, finishing the preparations for my new adventurer succession game, and maybe fixing up the first post of this thread.
Breakfast: A jar of peach-flavored baby food, Several large spoonfuls of Greek-style yogurt, and a large handful of piskoty (a very popular local snack which is basically ladyfingers shaped like nilla wafers). The piskoty are soaked in the babyfood for about 25 minutes to make them soft, then mixed with the yogurt. Also, 2 cups of coffee with soya milk and a spoon of raw sugar, a glass of watered-down apple juice, and a cup of anti-allergy tea.
Snack: some leftover rice and kim chi with very nice tea with friends before the taiji demonstration
At demonstration: one beer (half liter but I didn't finish it, gave it to one of my friends - I had about 2/3 of it)
Late Lunch / Early Dinner: several cups of leftover nice tea given to me by my taiji teacher. Three fried eggs on buttered toast with a thin slice of turkey meat on each. The turkey meat is in distressingly perfect circles, but it's nearly impossible to get real proper, unprocessed turkey in this country and this was the nicest-looking of the available sandwich meats when I stopped at the market.
Evening: One "lemonade" flavored beer. I was hoping it would help me sleep but it didn't do any good.
-Finally got the hormone relief I wanted. Feeling much better. I skipped the morning taiji training due to cramps but felt fine for the afternoon and had a great time at the demonstration. I made friends with an amazing puppy while there and my cat is currently snoozing curled up next to me on the couch. It's been raining off and on all day but the sun is out at the moment. I hope I'll finally have the motivation to clean today. I want to invite someone over tomorrow for lunch or dinner, so I really need to get this place looking presentable and that's a pretty good motivator.
-I looked at that turkey meat package and realized just how much sodium is in sandwich meat. I'm not sure the best way to deal with this. The occasional few slices of sandwich meat are basically my only source of meat, and they make a big difference to the taste of something. I'll have to be careful how often I buy and eat these meats. According to the package, the 3 slices of turkey I had contained about 600 mg of sodium. That's just crazy. Sandwich meat will have to be a rare treat from now on I guess. I'll finish this package so it doesn't go to waste, but I won't buy any more for a while.
Breakfast: cup of allergy tea, cup of strong black pu-erh tea, last hunk of cornbread
woke up feeling terrible. Sinuses hurt, eyes hurt, coughing, feeling exhausted even as I'm getting out of bed. Decided not to go to training this morning. After tea, a shower, a bit to eat I'm feeling a little better. Not sure yet if this is allergies or a cold, will find out soon I'm sure. Feeling well enough to go out now, about to go buy some of that vitamin B12 and some groceries. I know I should eat more but I don't really have an appetite, which is unusual for me.
I got some more information about vitamin B12. Apparently I should take it for a month and if I don't see any improvement, it's not helping, so I shouldn't waste my money on any more. If it does help I should see a doctor for full diagnosis. The month begins today. I'll make up a spreadsheet this afternoon to track my progress.
Yeah, taking B12 isn't going to do me any harm. If it doesn't work after a month I can stop taking it and save myself a trip to the doctor (which means saving myself a missed day of work, important at the moment because I'm already missing a few days of work to deal with my visa and I don't get paid when I don't work). If it helps, I can see the doctor at the end of the month and get properly assessed and determine a specific course of action.
I got the pills, making some lunch now and then I'll try them out. I keep hearing that these supplements are expensive, but a little more than a month's supply only cost me 155 kc (about $8). If that's the price per month for mental clarity after years of brain fog, I call that a good deal. And if I end up needing them long-term, I'm sure I can buy in bulk and save money. Fingers crossed!
Breakfast: cup of allergy tea, cup of strong black pu-erh tea, last hunk of cornbread
Lunch: Homemade fries made in lard (in the oven, not deep fried) and lightly salted, and two small open-faced sandwiches on Czech bread with eidam cheese and sauteed mushrooms and onions with some dried herbs and a dash of salt. Another cup of the pu-erh tea. A small glass of chocolate soya milk. 1500 mcg of B12.
Evening: allergy tea, very small cup of fresh-squeezed orange juice I made myself with an old-fashioned hand juicer. Still no appetite for dinner as of 19:30
Dinner (around 21:00): Finished the rest of the fries with a touch of salt and a tiny bit of ketchup, and a big salad of lettuce, cucumber, carrot, red onion, mushroom, pinch of salt and pepper, olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
-woke up feeling terrible. Sinuses hurt, eyes hurt, coughing, feeling exhausted even as I'm getting out of bed. Decided not to go to training this morning. After tea, a shower, a bit to eat I'm feeling a little better. Not sure yet if this is allergies or a cold, will find out soon I'm sure. Feeling well enough to go out now, about to go buy some of that vitamin B12 and some groceries. I know I should eat more but I don't really have an appetite, which is unusual for me.
-Very full from lunch. Took the vitamins, about to get a spreadsheet ready for tracking my symptoms over the next month. Feeling less sick than this morning but still not good. Can't breathe too well. Sinuses hurt a bit. Was coughing and breathing pretty heavy while out shopping. Feeling really sleepy, would love to take a nap, but my Sunday is disappearing fast and I still have things to do. Still haven't done any cleaning or drawing. Really hoping these vitamins will help get rid of my brain fog and confusion and make it easier to get myself organized!
-Feeling a bit better after dinner. Somewhat less brain-fogged. More awake, which is a problem because I need to sleep soon. Considering having a beer to make me sleepy.
Got a spreadsheet ready to track my progress. I'll print a bunch of copies at work tomorrow and start keeping track. Today I've got permanent brain fog and fatigue but that's nothing new. Will keep more careful track starting tomorrow. Here is the blank form, in case anyone is interested or wants to try this themselves: http://s000.tinyupload.com/?file_id=05468775545156567127
Couldn't print the spreadsheet at work due to the printer being out of toner, but I realized I could fit all that information on a 1/4 sheet of paper if I did it by hand and then just keep it in my pocket, so I did that instead. I'll try to make a more compact version of the chart on the computer and hopefully print it tomorrow. Here's the scan of the first sheet so far. I'll scan it again tomorrow when it's complete.
(http://i1122.photobucket.com/albums/l540/meganleb/B12/270513_zps504fccff.jpg)
In case you can't read my tiny, messy handwriting and abbreviations, the left-hand column reads: drowsy/fatigue; energy; brain fog; confused; focus; irritated/angry; anxiety/panic; calm; memory (+/-); concentration (+/-); hallucination; depression; euphoria. Along the top are the hours of the day starting with when I woke up (5:00). The bottom left has the description of the weather (rainy, cold, dark), which is always relevant to my mood. There are also some notes on the bottom for specific hours (the two on there now say "dizzy").
Once I get this going on the computer properly, I will upload computer-made charts that are readable.
A few of these symptoms might require explanations. First, for the negative symptoms, I also tried to include the positive opposite extreme. If I'm feeling at a normal, non-extreme level, I needn't write down anything. I think most people know what "brain fog" is. If you haven't heard this term, you've probably experienced it at some point. If you've ever had a sinus infection, think of that distant, fuzzy sort of feeling in your head, where you can't quite seem to connect with the world, almost like you're walking through a dream. It can come from many sources, including drowsiness, stress, various drugs, and of course, vitamin B12 deficiency. I have had seemingly permanent brain fog for a year or more now.
Memory and concentration are both listed with a (+/-), meaning I should indicate deficiency or difficulty with a - and above-average function with a +. Memory is hard to rate, so I'm just marking something down if there is a particular reason to do so (can't remember something, surprised by remembering great detail of something). Hallucination is a broad term referring to all types of visual abnormalities not easily explainable. I seem to have HPPD (look it up), so I regularly see things in the world warping or moving when they are still. I also see things out of the corner of my eye that turn out not to be there. This morning, for example, I saw a large black spider crawling up the white wall, and when I looked there was nothing on the wall. Then as I was walking down the stairs to leave my apartment building, I saw a cluster of bumblebees on the railing, but when I looked directly at it there was nothing there. This is probably a combination of sleepiness, stress, and HPPD, but it can also be caused by B12 deficiency, so I will be tracking it.
If I don't have time to fill in the form as things happen and later on I'm less than 100% sure of what I was experiencing, I will simply leave an hour blank rather than guessing. I have a tendency to project my current mood back on my memories, even very recent ones, and I could very easily skew my results in this way.
Breakfast: Small bowl of organic yogurt with a tiny bit of homemade strawberry-rhubarb syrup. Glass of watered-down apple juice. Cup of anti-allergy tea. 1500 mcg B12. A few flatbreads made from corn (they have the texture of styrofoam but they taste alright, contain almost no nutrition or salt).
Snack: Cup of green tea, a few slices of pear, two slices of bread with cucumber and a tiny amount of ham (no idea what kind or how much salt was in it but as it was provided by the school it was certainly organic and probably made with sea salt).
Lunch: Large bowl of mung bean soup, small plate of boiled potatoes with seitan and sauce - all provided by school, all terrible-tasting, almost no salt in it.
Afternoon: Several small sandwiches with Lucina (a local type of cream cheese) and sliced tomato on dark whole grain bread with sunflower seeds. A small cup of chocolate soya milk. Cup of anti-allergy tea. Cup of nice pu-erh (still using the same leftover tea leaves given by my teacher, and they are still incredibly potent! pour the water over the leaves then directly back out after just a few seconds and each time the tea is exceptionally strong.)
Dinner: Pasta (tricolore) with sauce from scratch, including fresh tomatoes rather than canned. Big plate, no salt in the sauce, small amount of salt in the pasta.
-Woke up feeling awful. Still feeling a bit sick, but better than yesterday. Mostly just groggy and exhausted. Didn't sleep much. Should be careful how late in the day I drink that tea, as the caffeine may be contributing to my sleep issues. Went through the work day on autopilot, which is really tough when you're a teacher of small children. Wasn't too moody today, mostly calm and distant with just a few moments of frustration and rage towards one particularly evil little asshole of a boy. Got a lot of errands done on the way home, including some paperwork for my visa renewal application (due in 2 weeks). Still feeling very calm. One more hour before I leave for taiji training.
-Got some kind of horrible anxiety/panic spike in the middle of taiji. This is a thing that rarely happens. I had to sit in the corner for a while trying not to cry and acting like my back was sore so no one would bother me. Calmed back down now, need to get to bed. Absolutely exhausted, praying I'll be able to sleep. I've decided to avoid alcohol or any other kind of sedative for the foreseeable future, as much as is possible, since I'm sure it's not helping the brain fog that I always need to drug myself to sleep...
I've just looked at the hospital web site and it seems I can visit the doctor on the weekend, although it's likely the English-speaking doctor will be out, so I will have to go to the emergency room and see a doctor who doesn't speak English. If I prepare myself ahead of time with appropriate Czech vocabulary, though, I should be okay. I will plan to go on Saturday after Taiji training (early afternoon) with a list of my symptoms and specifically request tests for my thyroid and my B12 levels. I doubt they'd have a problem with that, although it will almost certainly not be covered by my insurance.
So until then, I will put the B12 experiment on hold. I will continue tracking my symptoms, however, as it can't hurt to have the information ready, and it might be helpful to the doctors. Here is yesterday's, complete. I will scan them as they are finished rather than having half-filled forms floating around.
(http://i1122.photobucket.com/albums/l540/meganleb/B12/270513_zps1072be8a.jpg)
Breakfast: organic yogurt with strawb-rhubarb syrup, anti-allergy tea, strong pu-erh tea.
Snack: small handful of chopped veggies, a few blueberries, 3 whole grain flatbreads. 2 cups of coffee with some sugar and soya milk.
Lunch: bowl of asparagus soup, small plate of risotto with chicken (provided by school), small plate of leftover pasta from last night.
Snack: cup of strong pu-erh tea. Small bowl of vanilla ice cream with straw-rhubarb syrup (finished off the ice cream).
Dinner: Small cup of chocolate soya milk. Big bowl of soup with fresh veggies and asian noodles. Anti-allergy tea.
Evening: Small shot of slivovice to ease stomach pain.
-Woke up feeling pretty sick. Sinuses totally clogged, lots of green/yellow blown out. Not as groggy as usual though. Didn't fall asleep on the bus ride to work.
-Work day wasn't too bad. Didn't get angry/frustrated much today. Calmly strict with children and they responded to it.
-Home from work, feeling pretty good actually. A bit "foggy" but that might just be my sinuses, still a bit swollen. I think it's allergies. Lots of pollen today, mostly grass. Feeling very creative and motivated, hope I can hold on to that feeling. Private Taiji training soon (have to leave in 10 minutes), if all goes well I should stay "up" after that and hopefully I'll be able to get some cleaning and drawing/painting done. It's been a while since I've managed that so that would be really great.
-After taiji, feeling totally exhausted. Determined to get something constructive done aside from cooking dinner. Goal: leave no dirty dishes in the sink before bed, and make sure the counter and cooktop are both cleaned off. Bonus goal: vacuum my room so I'm not breathing in dust at night!
-Not sure where it came from but just before I started eating dinner I started getting stabbing pains in my stomach. After dinner it got much worse. Maybe lactose problems from the ice cream, or maybe the syrup on it was bad? Was getting worse, starting to feel nauseous, so I had a shot of slivovice (a local plum liqueur, 45% alcohol and the standard local home remedy for just about everything) and it calmed down a lot. Not sure if it was food poisoning or lactose problems or what, but it seems to be a bit better now. Still hurts a little and I'm still slightly nauseous so I'm going to bed early. Still didn't finish the dishes, but I cleaned the cat box, so that ought to count for something...
No.
Yesterday my plans got derailed by "being social" and "having a nice time" so I count that as a victory even though my research has been further delayed. I went to training in the rain, had a nice time, went to my teacher's place for lunch which ended up including a bit of fine whiskey tasting and tea sampling (really lovely tea they bring back from Taiwan and China) and a lot of wonderful conversation and laughter. I got home fairly late and didn't get any cleaning done, and I hadn't taken my note paper with me so there are no notes from yesterday. I'll keep notes today.
I've decided to start taking the B12 again, just because I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to see a doctor, it could really help, it's certainly not going to hurt me, and it occurs to me that pretty much any other explanation of all these issues is not going to disappear within a short time. This means that if I notice a large improvement after taking the pills for a short while, it is almost certainly because of the pills. In that case I will keep taking them for a while longer, then I will suddenly stop, and see if anything changes. Meanwhile I will still plan to get my thyroid and B12 levels tested as soon as I'm able, because of course that is a much simpler way of addressing the situation than pure trial and error.
Today I will clean the kitchen floor (in fact I'll get started as soon as I finish writing this). Once that is done, I'll probably take a break from cleaning for a while and do something else, either drawing the comics I'm so far behind on or finally reorganizing this thread. My second project for the day will be cleaning behind the bed and sofa, because I suspect the accumulated dust back there is contributing quite significantly to my allergies. That would explain why when I wake up in the morning I'm so congested and itchy, much more so than when I'm walking around normally during the day. I hope I'll get to starting the bathroom as well, since that's still an utter mess - at least surface cleaning and tidying. I really need to sweep up the stray bits of cat litter in there and wipe down the sink which is all dusty. At some point during the day I will allow myself some time to read, and some time to play at least one level of Machinarium which I'm working my way through, so I don't feel overwhelmed with responsibilities and start getting lazy and slacking off.
Some of you might have surmised that I'm a bit neurotic. The good thing about being a little neurotic (that's right, there's a good side!) is that once you're aware of it, you can manipulate it and engineer new, practical and useful neuroses. This particular idea came from something that happened with my computer a while back. I kept running out of hard drive space, so I started systematically deleting everything I wasn't using, and every time I saw something in the recycling bin I would empty it. This developed a "default" state in my mind of the recycling bin being empty, to the point that even now that I have plenty of space, every time I see the "full bin" icon on the desktop I feel compelled to empty it immediately. It is "supposed" to be empty. It has to be "full" sometimes to do its job, but I want to bring it back to that empty state again as quickly as possible.
Now I am training myself to see my apartment this way. I think this has been missing for a long time - I knew it was a mess, but I didn't have a clear image of how it *should* look. It was normal to see it a mess - I was so used to it that the mess didn't motivate me to clean. Now I'm setting a "default" state for everything and forcing myself to keep it that way. It shouldn't take too long before I start doing it without thinking. The sink should be empty, no dishes in it. The drying rack should be empty too - as soon as the dishes are dry I should put them away. This means I should even interrupt other activities to do so when I notice something there. The floor should be clean and vacuumed. The table should be free of dust.
I'm still at the point where I'm having to remind myself to do this, but since I'm really focused on this right now, I'm doing well. I expect that it won't take more than a few days before it will start to bother me to see dishes in the sink or ripped up bits of paper on the floor where my cat left them, and I'll drop whatever I'm doing to quickly tidy it up before I do anything else.
I run the risk of developing a sort of self-inflicted OCD in this way, but as long as I'm careful to only create these feelings in myself where they are practically useful and healthy (no constant hand-washing for example), it should be okay, and I will finally have a clean house that I'm not embarrassed to show people.
Breakfast: Anti-allergy tea. Several cups of weak pu-erh tea (storebought). A slice of banana bread (made for the lunch yesterday). Leftover rice with egg, smoked tofu, avocado, and sesame seeds.
Lunch: 2 open-faced sandwiches of sauteed mushrooms and onions with spices on toast with a slice of Eidam cheese.
Afternoon: Slice of banana bread and more pu-erh tea.
Dinner: Rice omelette (with last of leftover rice), with a tiny bit of sriracha for extra flavor. Glass of hand-squeezed orange juice.
Evening: Slice of banana bread. Small glass of whiskey (sipped slowly). Half a carrot.
-As of noon I have completed the floor in the kitchen and the laundry is nearly done. I just finished reading a few chapters of my book and am about to make some lunch, after which I will move the bed and sofa and clean behind them. I'm feeling exceptionally calm and focused. As I sit at the computer or reading my book, I make a point of keeping both feet flat on the ground to help my posture. It's not comfortable or natural feeling, after years of slouching and sitting on my feet, but the action has that feeling of "inspired" ritual significance about it that makes it easy to do. This is helped by the fact that I'm reading Dune Messiah. The Dune books always inspire me to focus on training and perfecting my body and mind. It's a good feeling to take advantage of. I'll make a point of doing some Taiji training on my own today as well, even though it was raining too hard for the outdoor lesson this morning. I have plenty I can practice without my teacher's help.
-After lunch, started the cleaning. Behind the bed was much easier than I expected, just took a few minutes. Behind the couch went pretty quickly as well. I can't believe how much dust and hair was back there! Hopefully my allergies will improve now that it's gone.
-As of 4 pm I have finally updated the first post of this thread. It's organized now and much easier to look at. The next step for this project will be to organize all my notes outside the forum and provide links to them, since they are quite disorganized and hard to follow here. Not sure if I'll do this today. I just took a shower and I might be done with cleaning for today. I can do the bathroom tomorrow. One last responsibility I do want to make sure to address, though, is my comics. It's been two weeks since I posted any new ones and I have plenty of ideas that just need to be drawn. They shouldn't take long as long as I can focus on it.
-I caught myself feeling a bit discouraged by how much I still have to do, but then I finally realized that this is a good thing. It is important to get the surface cleaning of my apartment done quickly so I can finally start having people over to visit, but aside from that, the other projects don't have a time limit. In fact, if I run out of things to do, I am quite likely to slip back into depression. If I can continue to keep myself focused on one small project at a time, I can avoid that trap. Projects with no time limit include:
-Cleaning the refrigerator (shouldn't wait too long on that)
-Cleaning out the storage unit inside the sofa
-Bringing my metal recycling to the recycling center (there are no recycling bins for metal here for some reason)
-Lots of reading
-Organizing all my notes
-Planting some seeds in the pots I painted for my apartment
-Organizing the kitchen cabinets
-Washing old pots and appliances I no longer use and figuring out what to do with them.
Here's the local forecast, if anyone's curious: http://pocasi.idnes.cz/
Here's an account of the 2002 flood. It was cuh-razy. The place names given are mostly districts in the city of Prague: http://www.livingprague.com/flood.htm
Breakfast: Last slice of banana bread. Cup of diluted apple juice and cup of anti-allergy tea.
Snack: Lots of Czech bread with a tiny bit of ham and some veggies. (I was really hungry.)
Lunch: Small bowl of alphabet-veggie soup. Rice (definitely salted), marinated boiled turkey steaks (surprisingly tasty), stewed green beans. (All provided by school.)
Afternoon: 2x pita sandwich (whole wheat pita, tahini, romaine lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and plain yogurt). Cup of allergy tea. Few sips of coca-cola to try to shake lethargy (have unintentionally fallen asleep twice today).
Dinner: Small plate of pasta with a can of "Mexico" tuna salad as sauce (too late too cook properly). A glass of water with FRESH strawberry-rhubarb syrup. A small glass of what I was conned into thinking was absinthe but turned out to be fake shit and I am very pissed off about that.
-Today was not a good day at work. Took twice as long as usual to get there in the cold and rain. It's one of those days where it never feels like day, it stays so dark. To my frustration, almost all the kids showed up, plus the children of all the teachers since the state schools are closed due to the whole "national emergency" thing. They were all crazy and loud and we couldn't take them outside so they just got crazier and louder over the course of the day. By "rest" time they were bouncing off the walls, yelling, throwing things, beating on each other, sprinting around the room. Nothing I did made even the slightest bit of difference and I quickly lost my patience and started yelling, which didn't make any difference either. They just ignored me completely as though I wasn't there. "Rest" time consisted mostly of me chasing the loud, troublemaking kids and futilely trying to shut them up. I was losing my mind, and all I could think about was that if I was only allowed to speak Czech to them, I could actually talk to them. I've never had a problem keeping any kids under control as long as I could speak to them, but the only things these kids understand in English is "SIT" "LIE DOWN" "QUIET" "NO" "STOP" etc. How the hell am I supposed to earn their respect that way? Fortunately I've only got a month left at this job. Officially leaving at the end of the school year, trying to block out the stress of looking for a new job since I have no idea what I'll be doing.
-I fell asleep for a few minutes at work this morning (not during rest - the kids were watching a movie since we couldn't go outside), and then again while I was trying to read just a few minutes ago. Caffeine doesn't seem to be helping. I suspect the weather and stress from work and the visa process are largely to blame for this. Now I have to go to Taiiji training and hope I wake up. Actually, now that I'm really thinking about it, this happens quite often on Mondays. Must be related to work because I was fine over the weekend. Sometimes I get to training on a day like this and suddenly wake up and fill with energy. Sometimes I head-bob in the middle of practice. We'll see how it goes.
-After a nice discussion with friends about how nice proper absinthe can be, today I decided to splurge on a bottle. Most of the stuff in the store was obviously shit, but this one looked legitimate enough. I figured it had better be, at over 1200 kc (about $60). Turns out it's a scam. All that money wasted on something that tastes like absolute shit. Worst-tasting alcohol I have ever had and adding the sugar water did absolutely nothing to it because it is NOT real absinthe. Now I'm unable to sleep because I'm flooded with rage over my wasted money. Tomorrow I have to get up earlier than usual to get to work because of the flooding and transportation problems. This week is going to be rough.
Flooding Update: It's only getting worse.
Top = Friday, Bottom = Today
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971050_10100916652228496_1592570918_n.jpg)
Second day of no metro transport in the city, but at least the flood is starting to recede. Thanks to flood defense measures, most areas were kept dry. The metro flood prevention system seems to have worked as well, so once the water level goes back down a bit more, they'll open it back up. Today it hardly rained at all and the sun even showed it's face for a few minutes to remind us all what color it is.
I had so much to do today that I had to force myself not to get caught up in my emotions. From the start, I decided I would not let myself get upset today. Keeping in mind that the kids always get more wild when they see you getting upset, I kept myself calm and there were no major problems at work. I had to stay late in the office to make copies of documents and get organized for my visa extension application tomorrow. I'm determined to be so organized and have everything so complete that they can't possibly find a problem with it (although I'm sure they'll manage anyway - they're experts at that). After work I had to visit a "Czech Point" document registry to get an up-to-date copy of the deed to the apartment I'm officially renting (to prove the owner has the right to rent it to me) and then I had to stop at the insurance office to extend my health insurance by another year. As a reward for getting that all done without extra stress (and as compensation for the Taiji lesson I had to cancel to get it all done) I stopped by the bookstore and bought myself a Moleskine sketchbook. I've wanted one for ages and now I finally have one. No excuse not to draw now!
I feel prepared for tomorrow. I have to get up the same time as I normally would for work and get a bus to the city I officially live in (long story). I have to visit the social security office and finance office to pick up documents stating I do not owe them any money, then meet my "landlady" to re-notarize my lease with her (no documents can be older than 180 days for the application). Then I will make my way to the foreigner police where I will wait in line for probably several hours and face the horrible, evil women who will accept my application with hatred and venom and probably find a hundred things wrong with it (which they will assume I did on purpose just to ruin their day). Everyone, please send all the spare positive vibes you can muster.
Breakfast: chocolate chia seed pudding (chia seeds soaked overnight in chocolate soya milk, makes a thick, delicious pudding). diluted apple juice and allergy tea.
Snack: A disgusting granola bar, don't even want to know what kind of crap was in it. (Snack was already finished when I ended my parent conference so I missed the real food.)
Lunch: Small bowl of lentil soup. Very small plate of mashed potatoes and baked salmon (there wasn't enough food to have any more).
Afternoon: A Snickers bar on the road while doing errands.
Dinner: Another pita sandwich (same as yesterday but with more tahini). A rice cake to mop up the dripped tahini and yogurt. Allergy tea.
Evening: 2 small slices of toast (Czech bread) with the homemade strawberry-rhubarb jam (unsweetened).
I've noticed today that the more busy I keep myself, the less I feel anxious and nervous. I suppose this makes logical sense, but I've never noticed it so clearly in my own life. Tomorrow I'm going to face a horrible woman who seems to have a personal mission to upset me and make my life difficult. And I'm going to face her without a translator. I should be terrified right now, but I'm totally calm. Why? No time for needless worry. I have to keep my to-do list straight. Today I got all of my documents in very clear order and even made an itemized list for the foreigner police tomorrow (and copies of most of the documents so they don't have to do much copying - they get annoyed when they have to copy something, poor things, having to stand up and walk a few feet to push a button). I spent the afternoon running around the city (with no Metro service) getting the last few things in order. I finally cleaned the bathroom (except the shower) and vacuumed the apartment, and washed all the dishes. Tomorrow I have my morning planned out quite clearly: finance office, then social office, then notary, then foreigner police. Everything is prepared and ready to go. Basically, there's nothing left to worry about. This woman will be a nasty bitch, and I will smile sweetly and give her no opportunity for conflict. A friend gave me some good advice: they're like dogs. Show fear and they will pounce. Smile at them relentlessly and thank them repeatedly for all their time and help, and there will be nothing they can do.
This little piece of information today, that keeping busy keeps away the panic. My natural instinct when I start to feel like life is getting to me is to withdraw, to relax, to rest and recharge my batteries, but in fact this might be completely counter-productive. Instead of planning as much time as possible to relax, I need to make sure my to-do list is always full.
So I was flying pretty high when I got to the foreigner police office. I took my number, got my papers ready, took out my novel, and barely got through 3 pages when my number was called. I went in, feeling a few flutters of nervousness, and was delighted to see that the miserable old woman who normally handles my file was not there. There was a new girl, quite young and while she didn't smile, she was pleasant enough. We barely needed to speak, I had my documents so organized. She took them one at a time, logged them on the application folder, told me it would probably be ready within a month (a month! last time it took 10!!!), and that was it. I enjoyed a pleasant walk back to the bus stop and a quiet ride back home. I have the rest of the day free, until Taiji training at 6 in the park. I'm going to take a shower now, make some lunch, and try to get my metal recycling down to the recycling center while we have such lovely weather. I also plan to head to the park early before the training starts and play with this sketchbook for a while, as long as the weather stays nice.
Breakfast: Bowl of plain yogurt and peach baby food, with a few piskoty mixed in and soaked until soft. Allergy tea. Green tea flavored with a little of the strawberry-rhubarb syrup.
Snack: 2 slices of toast and half a roll from the supermarket with various seeds in the dough, dipped in supermarket deli "pomazanka" (spread) made from mayo, broccoli, onion, and ham. Bit of storebought green tea (sadly I forgot my fresh stuff at home).
Lunch: Tricolor pasta with asparagus roasted in olive oil and garlic (sooooo good). Cup of green tea with the homemade strawberry rhubarb syrup (from now on I'll just call this "syrup") and a bit of honey.
Dinner: Stir-fry with veggies, noodles, tofu, sesame oil. Allergy tea.
By the way, I'm still keeping my daily notes. Another goal for today is to enter them all into the computer rather than scanning the little papers, since they're a bit messy and probably hard for others to read. Also, I haven't been noting it down, but I've been taking 1500 mcg of the B12 each evening for about a week now. I certainly feel better than I did before, although it's difficult to say if it's due to the supplement or not, since other things are changing in my life as well. Notably I'm trying to keep away from sedatives, including alcohol, cannabis (I used to use a small amount regularly to help me sleep), and medunka (Melissa) tea (also for sleep). I'm sure this is probably contributing to my clearer head, as are my set goals which help me focus and my active decision to not get upset at work. Stress causes so many problems it's a wonder anyone ever figures out what's going on in their heads.
Juchu! (That's Czech for Hooray!) The metro is open again today. Some stops are still closed, but I'm able to get to work without any difficulties (and without leaving home half an hour early). What's more, the weather is still pretty nice. It's not really sunny today, but there's no rain and it's quite warm (about 20 C). The kids are relatively calm and work has been fine so far. To top it all off, the beautiful coworker I'm absolutely in love with is in a good mood today and I'm feeling rather flirty...
Breakfast: Allergy tea, diluted apple juice, toast with homemade jam.
Snack: Slice of dark bread with seeds, small amount of veggies. Two store-bought seed-covered "bread sticks" (like fat pretzels). Green tea with syrup and honey.
Lunch: Leftover stir-fry from last night.
Afternoon: Big handful of wasabi peas.
Dinner: Large portion of homemade french fries made in lard, lightly salted. Pita sandwich (same as the other day).
Also, it occurs to me that I ought to be tracking my allergies as well, to see if the tea and/or low sodium diet are helping. I'll list my symptoms as well as the status of the eczema rash on my left leg which has been there for years and I can't seem to get rid of it. (I wash it with Selsun Blue shampoo during my daily shower, the active ingredient of which helps with eczema, then put vaseline on it when I get out of the shower. In the evenings if I remember, or if it's particularly itchy, I rub it with olive oil. Very rarely I put steroid cream on it, if it's really out of control. I do my best no to scratch it though sometimes it's too itchy to resist.)
Morning Allergies: Dry, sore eyes, slightly itchy. Dry throat. Rash: Red, bumps quite prominent. Not particularly itchy.
Afternoon Allergies: Same as morning. Rash: Got really itchy for a bit, rubbed it with olive oil and it felt better.
Evening update: I'm feeling on top of the world at the moment. About an hour ago the cat decided that the cable connecting the left speaker to the right, which has been there over a year, was his arch nemesis. He pounced on it so hard that the plug broke - the connector broke off inside the jack. I tried to get it out but it only went further in, and the plug wouldn't work. At first I started grumbling that I'd have to buy a new set of speakers (it didn't seem worth buying a new plug and splicing it onto the cable, which is hardwired into the speaker and not easily replaced). I felt that way for about ten seconds before I decided there must be a way to rig it to work - all that was missing was a metal connection from the jack to the plug. So I rolled up a bit of aluminum foil and jammed it in the hole, then shoved the plug on over it and duct taped it down. Works like a charm. You can call me MacGyver tonight, friends.
EDIT: I have finally gotten my information in the computer. The easiest way I could think of to do it was to use Word. Obviously Excel is better for spreadsheets, but I want to be able to put 4 separate tables on a page to print out, and Word makes that much easier to organize, although it isn't super convenient to enter the information. Basically, Word makes it easier to print, while Excel would make it easier to manage the data in the computer. I will probably do an Excel version as well for storing the data, and eventually just use the Word version for printing out and carrying in my pocket.
So now I have all these tables in the computer in a Word document, but it's really difficult to read and due to all the tables and special formatting I'm having a hard time getting Google Drive to display it properly. So if anyone is interested in the current charts, here is the Word document. I'll work on getting it more internet-friendly soon. (I hope this link works ok - can someone please test it for me and make sure you can download the actual Word document here, not just view it on Google Drive?) https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2DGqVenpQgvSl9KMEJsMEVHbnM/edit?usp=sharing
Starting on 4.6 I started keeping more careful track of things, using values from 1 to 3 to judge the intensity of certain states. I'll make a detailed list of what these numbers mean soon, particularly to go along with my next point:
I will get into this more tomorrow probably, but I've decided I'd like a control to compare my data to. In other words, who wants to track their physical and emotional state for a few days? It would be greatly helpful for me, and it might be interesting for some of you to pay attention to these things and understand yourselves better. I know it does me a lot of good to look at things this way! I'll get my notes further organized and post some more information tomorrow, but it would be great if anyone could announce their interest in trying this out. I would take whatever you are willing to give - ideal would be at least 3 or 4 days, tracking every hour, but of course if you just want to do it one day, or two, or every few hours instead of hourly, whatever you can offer would be helpful. Here's the blank chart in Word doc format in case anyone wants to print it out and carry it around and see how it goes (again, please let me know if the download works properly): https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2DGqVenpQgvZm5wYnd2Qy1Xc3c/edit?usp=sharing
Breakfast: Bowl of yogurt with homemade jam and some piskoty. Allergy tea. Diluted apple juice.
Snack: Czech bread, veggies. Green tea with a bit of syrup and honey.
Lunch: Small bowl of vegetable soup with barley. Boiled potatoes, stewed carrots, minced meat (not even sure what kind, probably pork) wrapped in cabbage leaf (all provided by school).
Snack: Czech bread, veggies.
Dinner: Pre-made "Mexican chicken" sandwich from the supermarket. (I had to run straight to meet my friends in the park, no time to cook.)
Evening: Too many beers. (5 or 6 I think)
Allergies: Main symptoms not bad, but rash terribly itchy and irritated all day. Used anti-itch ointment, oil, and steroid cream at various points, but it never really stopped itching all day.
I'm slowly getting over my hangover from last night. The girl keeps messing with me, flirting then going cold, all in one day. It's making me a little crazy. Got very drunk with friends until 2 am then home to bed. This morning, felt awful, but fortunately I came home before doing any serious damage to myself.
It's interesting, actually. Used to be I would sit around all the time thinking of all the things I should be doing but couldn't motivate myself to do. Now I seem to be developing the habit of keeping busy. Around 11 am today I decided I'd give myself an hour to recover a bit more before doing all my responsible grown-up things. But immediately after deciding that, I did the dishes, started the laundry, picked up the living room, and vacuumed the apartment. Then I sat down, wrote out my invoice for my boss, and sent some other messages, paid my social security for the month, then did administrative work on the thread for my current adventurer succession game in the community games and stories forum. Then I figured I had earned a lie-down and nap for a while, but instead of that I took a shower and read a few chapters of my book. What has happened to me? Amazing that such a big change can happen so quickly, simply by writing down and keeping track of your emotional states and activities for a while.
The thing is, we all rely on our memories to inform us when making decisions. This made me happy, I'll do it more. This wasn't enjoyable, I'll avoid it. But our memories are clearly not as accurate as we believe them to be. My memories are definitely colored by my present emotional state. Writing everything down like this makes me realize things I never would have otherwise. When I spend a chunk of time playing video games, my happiness and energy go down. When I get angry at work, the kids get more difficult to deal with. When I feel too tired to go to training, but go anyway, I always have a nice time and feel better almost immediately. It's right there on the paper. Very easy to evaluate the problems when the information is organized like this, and make clear decisions on how to change them. So far it is working quite well. I'm making better decisions for myself and feeling better as a result.
I'm going to call the Cleaning Habits experiment a success for now, though I'll keep an eye on myself and see if I really do maintain things this way.
Breakfast: Toast with homemade jam. Allergy tea. Sports drink for rehydration (plus lots of water).
Snack: Pita sandwich (same as before).
Lunch: Sukjunamul (http://www.maangchi.com/recipe/sukjunamul) (Korean bean sprout dish) with rice. Cup of coffee with chocolate soya milk.
Evening: Allergy tea. A few chocolate cookies. (No appetite for dinner.)
Allergies: Main symptoms ok. Rash moderately itchy but not as bad as previous day.
Yesterday I fell asleep around 6 and was out for a couple hours. No deep sleep, definitely constant dreaming, mostly about my teeth crumbling and falling out of my mouth. I woke back up, played video games for a couple hours, and then gave up and went back to bed around 10.30. As I was falling asleep I experienced significant auditory hallucinations (while still conscious). Voices that I knew could not be real, yet sounded very real. The only time I normally ever experience this is when I've had a significant amount of cannabis before bed, but this time I hadn't had any kind of drug, no alcohol, nothing. Then once I fell asleep there were more dreams about crumbling teeth (they kept shattering in my mouth and I was spitting out tiny shards of tooth constantly - I could feel my jaw clenching and destroying the teeth but was powerless to stop it - I assume I was grinding my teeth in my sleep and close enough to consciousness to be aware of it without being able to stop), plus grocery shopping, work, and other unpleasant and mundane things, until I woke up at 8.30. Maybe it was a delayed hangover. Anyway I feel a bit better this morning.
Breakfast: Allergy tea. Coffee with a dash of cinnamon and chocolate soya milk. Diluted apple juice.
Lunch: Leftover sukjunamul. 2-egg omelette with stir-fried potatoes and some veggies.
Snack: Pita sandwich (standard).
Dinner: Nice rice with sauteed garlic, shallot, ginger, and chili. Sliced smoked tofu and sliced avocado (these are an amazing combination). Allergy tea.
Evening: Very small glass of whiskey to try to help me sleep (didn't work).
Allergies: Eyes pretty itchy all day. Rash very itchy despite moisturizing after shower.
I believe my reason for not sleeping last night was mostly stress. Stress over work, over finding a new job before next school year, over the girl I'm enamored with who keeps sending me mixed signals and fucking with my head, over my visa, over pretty much everything in life. I suppose it's possible that hormones are starting to play a role, but I hope not, because I should still have at least a week before that should start happening.
Here's all the stuff I ate today.
Breakfast: Strawberry yogurt. Store-bought iced green tea full of sugar and chemicals (overslept, no time to make tea).
Snack: Store-bought whole wheat flatbreads, fruits and vegetables.
Lunch: Leftover rice, tofu, avocado from last night.
Dinner: Remainder of leftover rice wrapped in egg omelette.
Allergies: Not sure what's allergies and what's lack of sleep. Itchy burning eyes, sore throat. Rash not too bad though.
The weekend was really nice but today we had torrential downpours all day. Fortunately the river has stayed within safe limits. Public transport is running okay, no problems getting to work or my job interview today.
Tomorrow we've got a field trip. Which is okay. The trip will take my whole work day. We'll come back, eat lunch, rest, and I'll go home.
I was so fucked during Taiji today that my teacher looked genuinely worried about me. Normally he just makes fun of me for being a wuss. He's trying to help me find work for next year. He's a good guy. He's suggested I could take a training course in how to teach kids Taiji (his girlfriend teaches the course) and get some extra work that way, being the only person doing it in English. It's not a terrible idea, though it could hardly be a full-time job. What I'd really like to do is be an assistant for an autistic kid, at least part-time in the mornings, and maybe keep teaching in the afternoons. No idea what kind of qualifications I'd need though. I have the contact for a center for autism in Prague but I don't trust myself to write them an email in my current state. Also I'm not sure if I should disclose that I have AS, in case they think NTs are better to assist autistic kids...
I have to make some food now I guess, to bring to work tomorrow. might skip it and go straight to bed and just eat whatever slop they provide us at school. I guess.
Here's the funniest thing I've seen all day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=meiU6TxysCg
Today was a really rough day. I'm finally starting to feel good. It's amazing how a happy feeling right at the end of the day can color all your memories so strongly. I'm looking at my notes and it's amazing how terrible I felt earlier.
I have to try not to think too much about that, actually. I end up in a terribly philosophical mood. If I won't even remember feeling this way, maybe even just a few seconds from now, then what does the feeling mean? Nothing is significant, nothing matters if it will be forgotten quickly. Bad moods, yes, they will pass. No matter how bad I'm feeling, I know it won't last forever, and in fact it probably won't even last very long. But the same thing goes for GOOD feelings. What good is happiness when you're fully aware of how fleeting it is?
Like I said, have to try not to think about it. As a very wise fictional character once said, hang the sense of it and keep yourself busy.
Last night I slept better than the previous night, but not by much. On the plus side, I managed to get to sleep without any sedatives, even if it took a while. On the negative side, the cat kept attacking me all night. I guess he wants more attention. I overslept again and raced to work, at least relieved that I was not to be the first one there. My co-teacher agreed to come at 7.30 to open the school (the teacher who usually does it on Tuesday is away this week) and I was supposed to get there by 8. Fortunately I caught all the trains and bus perfectly, and got there about 15 minutes early (7.45). NO ONE WAS THERE. Not a single other person had showed up, including the one who was supposed to be there at 7.30 to start getting ready for our field trip today. Less than five minutes later there were 3 rowdy boys already there causing trouble, me trying to manage them while also preparing for the trip. No other teachers came until 8. Good start to the day.
The trip was a nightmare. 18 kids, including all the most difficult ones, on public transportation for over an hour. Lots of yelling and pushing and fighting and dirty looks from other commuters. And our destination? An interactive exhibition at a gallery. Primarily about sound. There were entire rooms filled with every possible noise-making device imaginable. BIG instruments. GIANT instruments. Lots of running and hitting and screaming and all the noise noise noise NOISE. By the time we left my ears were terribly painful. I nearly had a meltdown on the way back to the school. And the icing on the cake? On my way home from work I discovered I had forgotten my headphones at the school. No music, no barrier between my sore ears and the noises of the outside world.
Then I got home to an email from the school I had interviewed at 6 weeks ago telling me they had given the position to someone else.
At least, after Taiji, I managed to motivate myself enough to finally wash the dishes and cook dinner. (I didn't even eat lunch. Too stressed to eat.) Now I don't know if I can bring myself to clean it all up properly though. At least I got a few more interviews today. Wish me luck finding a job everyone. If I don't find enough work, I don't just move back with my family or even become homeless. I get kicked out of the fucking country.
Breakfast: yogurt, babyfood, piskoty, diluted apple juice
Snack: few apple slices, few corn "platky", bit of cheap pu-erh tea, store-bought blueberry muffin
Dinner: sukjunamul with fried rice (lots of veggies, terrible breath - not really any protein unfortunately)
I'm exhausted now and will probably go to bed soon. the apartment is getting messy again though. I haven't vacuumed in a few days and the clutter is starting to build up. I just don't have the time or energy to clean. How do people live their lives and also manage to keep their home tidy? How is it possible?
You mean the SMBC one? You know, for a guy who puts out a new comic every single day of the week including weekends, I am constantly amazed by the high quality of his material. I definitely can't match it and I only make new comics now and then when I feel like it.
This morning I woke up depressed. Very depressed. About a lot of things. I spent a good deal of time crying before I even got out of bed. Then I read some comedy online and I'm not crying anymore, but I can feel that I'm just trying to bury the problems because I don't know how to deal with them. They're still there, waiting. If I don't keep myself busy enough, they'll leap out and hold me down and beat the shit out of me all over again and I don't know how to stop it.
And I'm not talking about irrational depression that makes you feel horrible for no obvious reason. I have reasons. Most of the time I'm able to shove them aside and get on with my life and make a joke about it and focus on what's good, at least enough to not burst into tears. But today that doesn't seem to be the case. This morning I woke up and the depression took its opportunity to jump me and torture me for a while, to the point where I hardly felt I could get out of bed, soaking my pillow with tears in self-pity over how unfair life is.
Maybe if I write some of these things down it will help. Feedback accepted, possibly even appreciated, but not really expected.
I am autistic. I am a great person with a lot of strengths and good qualities. I am funny, very good at imitating people, an excellent proofreader, a good writer, very intelligent, very kind-hearted and open and giving. And I am autistic, and I will always be autistic, and that is never ever going to change. I will never be able to read other people’s body language or facial expressions. I will always be overwhelmed by sensory stimulation, loud noises, bright lights, too many people, too much to process. I will always experience sudden rushes of anxiety when I encounter something I haven’t prepared myself for. I will always unwittingly do inappropriate things and no one will ever tell me when I do so because they will assume I not only am aware, but am doing it intentionally. I will always be awkward.
I do a pretty good job of hiding my problems, blending in. I’ve spent years honing my social skills and no one would guess I’m autistic without me telling them. The downside being that I’m held accountable for all mistakes I make. And I make so many.
Generally I walk through life focused entirely on the details of my immediate situation. Remembering to make eye contact. Trying to actually hear what other people are saying. Responding appropriately to questions. Pausing occasionally while I’m talking so the other person can react. Being aware of whether the other person looks interested. Remembering to stand up “straight” and keep my shoulders from rolling forward all the time. Not knocking things over or walking into door frames. Introducing topics of conversation that will actually be interesting to other people. If it seems I might be doing something inappropriate, offer an explanation for my behavior so people don’t think I’m being intentionally obnoxious.
I’m so focused on the details of each moment that I don’t notice the patterns and trends over time. I keep introducing that same “interesting” topic and now people look tired of me constantly talking about the same thing. I keep offering the same explanation of my behavior and it seems like I’m a hypochondriac complaining about an ailment no one can see.
Now and then I get a sudden moment of awareness of what I must look like to other people. It is never positive. I had one such moment this morning as I was waking up. Last night at my conditioning workshop I was going on and on about my sleep problems, trying to explain my fatigue and weakness. I’m pretty sure my face looked awake so I was afraid I looked lazy, or like I didn’t really want to be there. People’s reactions to my explanations were not really positive. They were polite but they were not interested in my apparent sleep disorder. One guy heard me say I want to visit a sleep center and he asked if I want help getting to sleep or staying awake. I responded with a brief description of my sleep problem and he said “Oh, that’s interesting” and immediately changed the subject and started talking to someone else. (Why did he ask if he wasn’t really interested?)
Now I’m overcome with embarrassment. I will never be able to figure this out. How much information is too much to share? How can you tell? What should I do when I’m feeling awful but I don’t want people to think I’m a lazy slacker? What do normal people do? Do normal people just not have these problems? Are they really good at hiding them? Am I supposed to be hiding them? I feel like everything about me is just an annoyance to other people. Like they all wish I would just stop existing so they wouldn’t have to deal with me.
It will always be this way. It will never get any better than it is now. In some ways it’s even getting worse.
I’m so tired. I’m fucking exhausted, in fact. Exhausted from trying to follow all the rules, from the constant effort, from constantly trying to hide things or explain them. I’m exhausted from the constant fear that I’m going to do something wrong. And even more exhausted from the constant realization that I am, indeed, doing things wrong, all the time.
There’s a moment when you realize that, for all that you are a great person and you love who you are, you realize what you actually look like to other people, and you know that you wouldn’t want to hang around you either. That’s a horrible, horrible moment.
No one ever believes me. Growing up, no one believed me when I complained of sleep problems and depression and constant confusion. I kept telling people, parents, teachers, school therapists, that something was WRONG with me and I needed HELP. They never believed me. I didn’t get my autism diagnosis until I was 23 years old, far too late to avoid most of the damage.
Now I’m scared. I’m terrified, even. I don’t want to go to the doctor. Something is wrong with me. I’m falling asleep all the time. I feel disconnected from the world, often unsure whether I’m awake or asleep. Whenever I get stressed out, my body feels weak. I feel terrible pain from simple pressure, like kneeling on the floor (knees), sitting cross-legged (ankles), doing push-ups (hands), lying on my side a hard surface (hips). My back hurts most of the time, pain radiating out from a single point along my spine, and no one can tell me why or how to fix it. My hands turn blue when I get out of the shower and my extremities are always cold and clammy. And I’m seeing things, sometimes. Mild hallucinations on a regular basis.
Either I’m very sick, or I’m going insane. I don’t want either of those things to be true. And after years of being dismissed by doctors as a hypochondriac or pushed out of an office with a bottle of pills, I don’t trust a doctor to help me.
I can’t trust anyone to help me. No one believes me. I’m focused on these problems, trying to solve them, which means I talk about them too much, which, combined with the fact that I try to always look pleasant and friendly (and not like I’m suffering or miserable because I know that drives people away), means I sound like a hypochondriac. And everyone is tired of hearing it.
Why do I talk about it all the time? Because people need to talk about these sorts of things. I’m convinced of that. Normal people need to talk about them too, but most people have someone to talk to. Family, usually, or close friends. I’m not close with my family. I don’t have any friends who are willing to listen to this. There’s no one in my life who cares enough about me to be truly supportive. The more desperate I get for attention, affection, the less likely it is that I will ever find it.
Most people like me never move away from their parents. They’re not able to function without that help. But my parents never helped me. They were abusive. I had to get away. They were making it worse. Now I’m alone. I have friends, great people who care about me, but no one invested enough in me to really be there for me during this period in my life. That is not their fault. I don’t blame any of them. I’m needy. No one wants a needy person hanging around all the time needing up the place.
I have a lot to give in return. Oh my god, so much. When I care about someone, I’ll do just about anything for them, and almost never expect anything in return, other than maybe some small acknowledgement of appreciation, a thank you, a smile, maybe a hug now and then. But real-life relationships don’t happen all at once like they do in fairy tales and movies. They take a lot of time, and during that time you have to sort of keep your distance (and keep your needs unmet). I’ve never been good at knowing how much distance to keep or how quickly to close the gap. Inevitably I frighten people off by getting too close too quick.
The cold hard truth of the universe is that I will probably always be alone. I would make an amazing girlfriend/wife/partner/whatever, but I don’t possess the necessary skills to begin that kind of relationship with someone. It will probably be just me and my cat until he dies and I have to get a new one, and so on until I die and my cats eat me.
This is not the self-pitying ranting of a teenager who is just getting her first taste of unfairness in the world This is the fully self-aware admission of a person who’s been in partial denial for her entire adult life, naively believing that if I try hard enough to do everything right, eventually I’ll be good enough and someone will want me.
This school year, for the first time in the 5 years since my diagnosis, I had to admit, out loud, to my boss, that I have a disability. I had to admit it because I needed to reduce my work hours, because although I was certain I could handle a full time job, it turns out I can’t, and I was having meltdowns at work. I am disabled. Gifted too, sure, but also disabled. There are normal everyday things that I will never, ever be able to do, no matter how hard I try or how much I practice.
I’m so exhausted and so lonely and so disgusted with myself for feeling the need to dump all this on the internet for strangers to maybe read, if they feel like it, because that’s the only avenue I have left. I don’t have anyone in my life I can just cry to.
So that's that. I'm not going to training this morning because I'm too embarrassed by how I acted last night. And too afraid I'll burst into tears in the middle of it, or collapse to the ground. If I start letting this leak out, even to the people in my taiji group (who are friends but we haven't known each other that long), it'll all just come pouring out in a flood of unmet needs and despair. I don't like people seeing me cry.
I guess that's all for now. I'll get to the business of distracting myself from the truth of my life again. Maybe make a cup of tea, read a book. I'm still on Children of Dune. Very inspiring. The main characters are so different from others that no one can understand them and they constantly have to adapt to the world which wasn't designed for them. Sounds familiar. At least they're twins, they have each other.
"The chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is say hang the sense of it and keep yourself busy. I'd rather be happy than right any day."
"And are you?"
"Ah... no."
EDIT: It occurs to me that one of the reasons I love Taiji so much is all the physical contact. When we do push hands, we're grabbing each other, holding on to each other, focused entirely on feeling the other person's movement and reacting to it. It's the closest to cuddling I've gotten in over a year.
I never thought there was someone like me who analyzed social behavior. I was actually surprised some of the thoughts that ran through your head ran through mine too, though at a more subconscious level.
Anyway, your entries are enlightening, and I hope you continue them. They've helped bring perspective to my own life, at least a little bit.
After reading your thoughts, I struggled for a while to think of my own piece of advice to offer. While it may not be helpful, I suggest you look into studying psychology. You seem very interested in yourself and how you operate, and by extension, others too. However, as you may have already realized, it's really hard to get hard facts on how other people operate. "Normal" people are extremely adept at hiding how they feel, and there are so many factors in play, that learning how people tick in the "wild" is extremely difficult and gives mixed results.
To find an outlet for my curiosity, I turned to psychology and took an online class. While a lot of it was useless information such as vocabulary and the history of the study, there were little jewels in the rough that fascinated me. While interesting in themselves, they also helped clarified issues that had confounded me for weeks, even months.
An interesting facet of psychology I learned in my studies is positive psychology, which might be extremely helpful for you. Positive psychology can be summed up as "Positive psychologists seek "to find and nurture genius and talent" and "to make normal life more fulfilling", rather than merely treating mental illness".
One last thing. Something I've learned recently is that you can't over think social situations. Other people are humans too, and they don't always follow "social protocol" either. A few months ago, I was on a field trip with my school and I was having a conversation with a friend. We weren't close friends, but we talked semi-frequently. Anyway, we talked for a while on the ride there. I took no real notice of what I said, until the ride back. My friend did something a little out of place by sitting with someone else, which tipped me off to something wrong. I quickly backtracked through the day, and realized I had said a few things she could have taken the wrong way, even creeped her out a little. I decided to "collect more data" and wait to see if she would talk to me again. She didn't. Well, besides some small talk I was convinced I had scared her away. I even tried a half-hearted apology, but it seemed to make the situation worse. Then last month, in her usual sarcastic/joking manner, she was complaining to my sister about how I hadn't invited her to an upcoming party I was having. I had assumed she didn't want to go. I confronted her, and strangely enough, she acted like nothing had happened. That this whole episode I had blown up was really nothing and she hadn't even given it a second thought. We laughed about it, I invited her to the party, and everything was fine.
What I learned was that, unlike movies, changes in relationships don't happen in moments. Once people know you for a few months, they're very forgiving if you feel "off" that day, or say something that might not be politically correct. You have to take relationships as averages over months or even years of time. What I'm trying to say is, I don't really think the incident at the conditioning workshop was as bad as you think, and there was probably no harm done.
(http://www.img.ie/images/eb9ew.jpg) (http://www.img.ie/)
The * in brackets was just my way of saying that from here on in, * signifies wake up time. I then proceeded to get home from my friends, and only later did I get the charts printed off. I have "practicing guitar" there at 12, which I did some in the others, but I don't think I noted it. Also, I made up for the later hours I stayed up by writing them in at the beginning of the chart. Hopefully this isn't too confusing.
(http://www.img.ie/images/motf2.jpg) (http://www.img.ie/)
Okay, so the stuff at 8 is not a mistake. I just thought I'd record how I recalled feeling during whatever dream felt freshest in my mind. That is why it's quite in contrast with my normal analysis. =P Practicing guitar at 11.
(http://www.img.ie/images/9cgzt.jpg) (http://www.img.ie/)
Hrm, not much to note here. I had a sperometry (don't know about spelling) at 15, to check if I have asthma (Probably not). Ah, I had a guitar lesson at 18.
(http://www.img.ie/images/l63k1.jpg) (http://www.img.ie/)
Err, I didn't write any notes for this one...Might've been practicing guitar around 13-14, but I'm not sure. I think I'll try to be more clear with future tracking as to what I'm doing. Feels kind of confusing otherwise.
Edit: edited informations in, but I can't seem to see any of the pictures. Tried loading the individual pages but they kept timing out. Might be some silly thing with dial up, but if it isn't I can re-upload the images tomorrow.
Small change: I drew a line above the hour at which I went to bed, just for clarity. Sort of got cut off due to cropping, but hopefully it's still sorta visible.
(http://www.img.ie/fybyr.jpg)
8:30 Fell asleep again
12 - 20 At a friends, playing ye olde Playstation games
(http://www.img.ie/ib239.jpg)
7:30 Fell back asleep
23 - 24 Reading
(http://www.img.ie/f35pk.jpg)
12 - 13 Playing Pokemon, reading web comic
22 Practicing guitar
24 Reading
(http://www.img.ie/np820.jpg)
Didn't right any notes, but the day was painfully hot, as well as humid. Laptop arrived at 14. As I was getting back from my friend's, a thunderstorm started up. Got home to find a new kitten, birthed much too soon, with the mother ignoring it. Did what I could for it and went to bed extremely upset and uncomfortable.
Dang it, I'm really sorry for taking so long with these this time. I've been a little busy finishing up preparations for school, and having a fancy new laptop is a little distracting too.
I hope you're doing okay. I kind of feel similar to how Siquo maybe feels (probably not though). More often than not, when someone's feeling like crap and tells me all about it, the most I can do a lot of the time is just listen. I used to feel pretty useless because of this, but I realize that part of this is that I don't want to just say things like "I'm sorry to hear that," or "that's terrible," or something equally meaningless and pointless. If I'm going to say anything, I'd like for it to be constructive, thoughtful, maybe even helpful. If not, maybe just listening and not reacting negatively towards a person and their problems will help them see that there problem isn't so silly or stupid as they might have gotten themselves to think. At least, I hope it helps some way like that.