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[Sappho]

It's been another very up and down day. I had to run out of the classroom once to go hide in the toilet to cry. I did get back into tracking myself though, and I got my apartment back to about 90% clean, so there's that at least.

I'm spending most of my energy fantasizing about all the different ways I could win her. They range from the whole "her having a girlfriend" thing being a silly misunderstanding, to me seeing the girlfriend abusing her and using my Taiji moves to beat the shit out of her and save the day, with all manner of twists and turns along the way. I should write a damned choose your own adventure book. In fact, I may. Might be cathartic...

(later)

A thought occurs. Possibly a very important one. I have a strong tendency toward black-and-white thinking and have a very obsessive personality (for proof, look no further than this thread). I tend to either be head over heels in love with someone (or the friendship equivalent of the same) or hate them (or be completely indifferent to them). The idea that I have a certain feeling about someone (or something) lodges itself in my brain and alternatives are automatically sort of deleted from the list of possibilities. If I'm "in love," it becomes incredibly difficult to dial it back to just a friendship level of feeling - I have managed it only twice that I can think of, and it was a very long and painful process.

But it IS possible. Maybe instead of feeling like I need to go "all or nothing" with this girl, I should take a step back and consider that we *could* actually be "just friends." If I pull her aside and just spill all my feelings at once, either I'll win her over or lose her. If she doesn't have feelings for me, she's going to be chased away by such a strong confession. Maybe, instead of that, I should just tell her that I think she's very beautiful and I regret that I never got a chance to take her out and properly get to know her better. I still might not get a good reaction, but it gives me better odds than telling her I'm head over heels in love with her, and leaves me some room and some time to consider the possibilities.

And I may never see her again after we stop working together, but if that's going to happen, it's going to happen anyway.

[Kirbypowered]

Spoiler: Charts (click to show/hide)

Small change: I drew a line above the hour at which I went to bed, just for clarity. Sort of got cut off due to cropping, but hopefully it's still sorta visible.

8:30 Fell asleep again
12 - 20 At a friends, playing ye olde Playstation games

7:30 Fell back asleep
23 - 24 Reading

12 - 13 Playing Pokemon, reading web comic
22 Practicing guitar
24 Reading

Didn't right any notes, but the day was painfully hot, as well as humid. Laptop arrived at 14. As I was getting back from my friend's, a thunderstorm started up. Got home to find a new kitten, birthed much too soon, with the mother ignoring it. Did what I could for it and went to bed extremely upset and uncomfortable.

Dang it, I'm really sorry for taking so long with these this time. I've been a little busy finishing up preparations for school, and having a fancy new laptop is a little distracting too.

I hope you're doing okay. I kind of feel similar to how Siquo maybe feels (probably not though). More often than not, when someone's feeling like crap and tells me all about it, the most I can do a lot of the time is just listen. I used to feel pretty useless because of this, but I realize that part of this is that I don't want to just say things like "I'm sorry to hear that," or "that's terrible," or something equally meaningless and pointless. If I'm going to say anything, I'd like for it to be constructive, thoughtful, maybe even helpful. If not, maybe just listening and not reacting negatively towards a person and their problems will help them see that there problem isn't so silly or stupid as they might have gotten themselves to think. At least, I hope it helps some way like that.

[Sappho]

Thanks for the charts, Kirbypowered, and don't worry about the time. I've been at this for weeks and I still haven't found time to enter mine into the computer.

One more day of work and then this job is finally over. And there will only be 8 kids tomorrow (out of 20). I should survive it ok.

Spent the last two evenings crafting little handmade hardcover memory notebooks for my coworkers out of scrap paper from work, as a goodbye present. They take ages to make but I couldn't get any sleep until I had finished them. Tonight I baked banana bread, so I'll bring that to share as well.

I think I'm doing okay generally. My view on this girl has shifted, which is necessary and probably a very good sign. I'm noticing how very IMperfect she is. I'm finally growing emotionally aware of what I sort of already knew logically: she's never been perfect, or even "everything I want" as I felt. She's just physically my idea of perfection, and we share a few traits that no one else has ever understood before. As a result, I became infatuated with her from the start, imagining a relationship with her that caused me intense pain every time it didn't coincide with reality (which was often). Princess Bubblegum does a damned fine job of explaining it in this here episode of Adventure Time, which everyone should watch anyway because, Adventure Time: http://www.watchcartoononline.com/adventure-time-season-5-episode-21-the-suitor

In fact, I'm reconsidering my assessment that she might have AS. Of course I would look for traits of AS in someone because I think about it all the time. But various qualities of hers could just as easily be ascribed to her being a sociopath.

-She is often quiet and withdrawn and ignores other people. AS: difficulty processing, being overwhelmed, uncertainty about a social situation. Psychopathy: doesn't care about anyone and is pointedly ignoring us because she wants us to fuck off, possibly she's fantasizing about taking revenge on us for boring or annoying her.
-She has enthusiastic conversations about topics she enjoys but goes cold and ignores someone the moment they look unhappy and NEVER offers anyone a work of comfort or asks them if they're ok. AS: ranting about obsessions but being unsure how to react to someone not looking happy, perhaps had bad reactions to trying (inappropriately) to help/comfort people in the past. Psychopathy: uses people for conversation as long as she is getting something out of it but has no empathy for others and feels no desire to comfort or help anyone.
-She seems annoyed or angry whenever someone tries to share something they're upset about, avoiding eye contact and not responding. AS: either she doesn't understand the other person's situation, or why they're sharing it with her, or doesn't know what's expected of her. Or, her apparent negative reaction is actually an expression of distress (I am often told my facial expression doesn't match how I really feel). Psychopathy: she really doesn't care, has no empathy at all, finds having to listen to other people's problems annoying or irritating.
-She regularly gets suddenly upset at something I say, accusing me of "showing off" my intellect and trying to make her feel stupid. AS: she misinterprets my intentions. Psychopathy: she feels like she is better than anyone else and resents any indication of superiority of any kind in another person.
-Her appearance is always immaculate. She says she finds her clothes at secondhand stores and wears the same pants nearly every day, but always looks and smells absolutely perfect. Says she washes her clothes every day, and I regularly see her putting antibacterial gel on her hands. AS: obsession with order, using a precise system to keep herself looking a way she knows is attractive without having to really consider her appearance, possible OCD. Psychopathy: she has cultivated an image that works to her advantage - she's beautiful, smells great, but dresses in a "hippie" sort of way, so nearly everyone finds her attractive. Apparent germ phobia might even indicate a simple disgust with contact with other people.
-She has mentioned to me that she understands my dislike of public transport and knows the feeling of bursting into tears on the way home just from sensory overload. AS: sensory overload and meltdowns. Psychopathy: she made up the story to get something from me or play with my head.
-She flirts with me and never mentions having a girlfriend, and dodges personal questions, leading to my emotional upheaval as I don't understand the situation: AS: she doesn't know what's appropriate to share, doesn't realize she's flirting with me, doesn't realize I'm attracted to her. Psychopathy: she's playing a game, which is very easy to do with me since I don't spot insincerity.
-All week she has been fairly cold towards me, even when I made an effort to be friendly and hide my pain, but is still friendly with other coworkers. AS: my behavior has changed and confused her, she doesn't understand what has happened, she doesn't know how to interact with me now, or she's just distracted by her new girlfriend and no longer interested in interacting with me. Psychopathy: she's well aware of what happened and either the game isn't fun anymore or she has already "won" by breaking my heart, possibly as revenge for me irritating her with my intellect and/or problems in the past.

I could go on. The point is, unless she actually shares something of herself with me and lets me get to know her, I can never hope to understand her intentions or have any real idea of who she is. It doesn't seem likely that I'll see her again after work ends. She just doesn't seem interested in speaking to me at all anymore. I've decided that I probably will not say anything to her about my feelings after all. I've told her enough times that she's beautiful, but she's never said anything of the kind to me. When she was upset about not getting a vacation she wanted, she accepted my hugs and comfort, but when I was in a similar situation and said I wanted to go home and cry she shrugged and said that sounded like a good idea. I've invited her to many different parties and nights out over the years but she's never accepted, except to my birthday party, which she then didn't show up to. If I took her actions and personality and transferred them to another person, one I didn't find so incredibly physically attractive, I would probably not like her very much. I can't believe it's taken this long for that to sink in.

I'll tell her I'd like to keep in touch and make one or two attempts over the summer to contact her. After all, if she does turn out to be like me, maybe even with AS, and this is all a misunderstanding, there could still be something there. But I've put in enough effort at this point. Even if it does turn out that her intentions are good, this is a lot of shit to go through to even get to know someone just a little bit, and I don't want to start a relationship with someone that would be like that all the time.

As for the stages of grief, I'm doubtful about the theory. For sure I went through many phases, and experienced each of the "stages," but many were repeated several times, I went in circles, up and down, better then worse... No rhyme or reason to it, really. Maybe other people react differently.

I'm exhausted now. Been falling asleep all day. All week, actually. As my stress levels rise, I get sleepier (consistent with narcolepsy, still would really like to get some kind of diagnosis). When I get home and am able to go to bed, though, I can relax, my stress levels decrease, and then I lie awake unable to sleep (not really consistent with narcolepsy but I'm not sure what other explanation there might be).

Question: has anyone else ever had an experience, either firsthand or heard about from someone else, where stress causes extreme sleepiness or even "sleep attacks" in the middle of tasks, yet at night sleep was not easy to come by? Any explanations other than narcolepsy? I'm very curious about this.

I should go to bed, I guess. Tomorrow will be the last day of this life, then I can finally get some real rest and look forward to all the huge changes my life is bringing.

[Shakerag]

Question: has anyone else ever had an experience, either firsthand or heard about from someone else, where stress causes extreme sleepiness or even "sleep attacks" in the middle of tasks

Boy, can I tell y-

yet at night sleep was not easy to come by?

Oh.

Any explanations other than narcolepsy?

Damn.  Nevermind.

Well, the only thing that comes to mind would be cataplexy, but without the (frequently) associated narcolepsy. 

[Sappho]

Thanks for the response, Shakerag. I believe I do get cataplexy sometimes (not severe enough to fall down but I definitely get considerably weaker when stressed and blurry vision), but I don't think cataplexy causes you to actually fall asleep.

Anyway, the only theory I have now that seems like it could be possible is narcolepsy combined with severe anxiety issues (or possibly obsession-only OCD, a condition a friend of mine has where whenever he's "at rest" his mind starts producing horrible images that torture him and keep him from getting any rest). When I'm stressed and my senses are overloaded during the day, it triggers narcolepsy - cataplexy and/or sleep attacks. But when I'm away from sensory stimulus, trying to sleep in my own bed, my mind gets hyperactive and I get anxiety severe enough to prevent sleep. There is definitely a difference between immediate stress based on my environment, and anxiety produced from my own mind. Really it's not insomnia at night. My body wants to sleep and I constantly start nodding off. But whenever I start to fall asleep, either I start to feel a dream start or I feel myself drifting off and something kicks me awake. Sometimes it's that myoclonic jerk, where you feel like you're falling and wake up, but more often it's an image of something upsetting, like a nightmare sort of deal, either physically upsetting (violence) or emotionally upsetting (the girl I love kissing her girlfriend). I jerk back awake with my heart pounding. It's been this way since I was 5 years old.

I keep holding on to the idea of narcolepsy because aside from the sleep attacks and possible cataplexy, I get seemingly constant dreams (even if I only fall asleep for a second I have a dream, and no matter when I wake up it's in the middle of a dream), always still exhausted when I wake up no matter how long I slept for, wake up every couple of hours (from a dream), sleep paralysis once every couple of months or so, and extremely strong hypnogogic hallucinations (vivid images and sounds when I'm still conscious). That's pretty much all the symptoms. I think it makes more sense that I have narcolepsy plus something else affecting my ability to fall asleep at night than a completely different condition that explains all of that.

One of my goals over the summer will have to be to find some way to get a proper evaluation of my sleep issues. No amount of theorizing on my own will ever be able to figure this one out. I've been at it for years. I just hesitate to see doctors because of so many bad experiences and misdiagnoses. Most doctors ask you a list of questions without ever letting you add your own input. They think that if they haven't thought of it, it must not be relevant, and they're so annoyed with people using the internet to self-diagnose that they immediately discard any suggestions made by the patient, even well-informed and reasonable ones. Before I got my AS diagnosis I was told I had depersonalization disorder, OCD, fibromyalgia, chronic depression, insomnia, hypersomnia, and most of all, hypochondria. If they had just let me give them a *list* of what was wrong instead of going through questionnaires and waving away any suggestions by me, I'd have gotten the right diagnosis of AS when I was a kid and suffered a lot less.

[Sappho]

So this is a good one. At work today (last day) a coworker gave us all little tokens that are supposed to bring you love. The girl I've been obsessing over said good, maybe she'll finally find somebody. I did a double-take and said I thought she already had. She seemed confused that I would think that. What about the girl she was kissing? SO? she replied. You never kiss your friends? Flabbergasted, I pointed out that I had DIRECTLY ASKED her if that was her girlfriend and she had giggled and blushed and looked away, which I took to mean YES. She rolled her eyes, also blushing a little, and said this girlfriend is expecting a baby with her boyfriend of 8 years, so no.

She's single.

My first reaction was "I'm an idiot." But no. No, no I'm not. I lack the ability to read situations in a normal way so I ask questions directly and get advice from other people. She didn't answer my question, and when I described the situation my friends agreed that it sounded like the girl was marking her territory. So I didn't jump to an insane conclusion. I did my due diligence and she misled me.

Furthermore, watching her today, she's NOT a sociopath. She's sad about not seeing the kids for a month. Hugging them all and trying (and not entirely succeeding) not to cry. Someone brought in a kitten and she nearly cried and wanted to snuggle it the most. And she's clearly nervous some of the time. Add the fact that she has read several books about AS and once I half-jokingly said "maybe you have aspergers too" and she got a funny look on her face and half-jokingly said "uh, yeah. Maybe," and it seems quite likely that she is either on the spectrum or at least has a lot of the traits.

Now, to examine the facts again with this new information. Whether she has AS or not, I don't always express myself well, so she quite likely is not aware of how I feel about her. The friend who saw us together said she definitely saw some sparks - that she really did seem into me and a shy about it. She wanted to sit with her friends, including this one girl, who told me she wanted to meet me, since she knew we worked together. I took this to mean she had mentioned me and the girl wanted to check me out, mark her territory, and see if I was a threat. In fact, it must mean that 1. "my" girl has mentioned me often enough to make her friends curious and 2. she has talked about me in such a way that it makes her friends interested in meeting me. Maybe, like me, she had asked her friends to help her figure out if I like her. There are other possible explanations, but this is certainly a reasonable guess.

Then her friend smooched her. I asked if this was her secret girlfriend and she blushed furiously, giggled nervously, and looked away. Then she started talking to the other girl in Czech while I started to panic, and the girl kissed her a few more times (all little "friend" peck kisses, but on the lips and a lot more than I normally see "just friends" giving). I added it all up to them being a couple and frantically texted my friend to come rescue me. When she arrived, we took the blanket I had set down for us and I said I had to rush off to find my other friends. I didn't contact her again over the weekend. It might have seemed like I was just abandoning her without warning or apparent reason and ignored her after that.

On Monday she came in with a big smile and greeted me with a cute nickname that only she and my mother ever get away with. I grunted a response, refused to make eye contact, and was visibly miserable all day. She grew increasingly distant and by the end of the day seemed angry with me. I must have seemed like a real bitch, again for no apparent reason. I grew slowly less bitchy over the course of the week as I slowly came to terms with what I thought the situation was, and she slowly warmed back up to me as well.

TMI girl stuff warning for the fellas (sorry, but this stuff is painfully relevant to us ladies): Yesterday I saw her borrowing a feminine hygiene product from someone. If you boys aren't aware, girls only need to borrow one when they unexpectedly start their period, otherwise they will already have them. This indicates that she had PMS for a week or so before yesterday, which would cause excess emotionality and mood swings in her just as much as it has been doing to me.

I did say that everything in my life was going to change starting today. I didn't expect the change to be this. I've decided to keep building up my confidence (I'm doing well so far) and finally just make a move. I will be less shy and more direct now that I know for sure that she's available and have a strong suspicion that she does, in fact, have feelings for me too. She's obviously not going to make a move, whether she's interested or not. It's on me.

Final thought before I end my break. When I'm in love, I see someone as being far more perfect than they really are. I thouht (foolishly, now that I really consider it) that having my heart broken meant I would finally see things as they really were, but actually I was still doing the same thing, just in the opposite direction. Instead of painting her as perfect, I painted her as horrible, trying to persuade myself that she wasn't worth hurting over. The final conclusion is that we can never trust our own perceptions, especially where emotions are involved. Not sure what to do with that conclusion.

[Shakerag]

TMI girl stuff warning for the fellas (sorry, but this stuff is painfully relevant to us ladies): Yesterday I saw her borrowing a feminine hygiene product from someone. If you boys aren't aware, girls only need to borrow one when they unexpectedly start their period, otherwise they will already have them. This indicates that she had PMS for a week or so before yesterday, which would cause excess emotionality and mood swings in her just as much as it has been doing to me.

OH NOES!  I have read about a woman talking about menstruation!  Suddenly I am less of a man!  My man cred is diminishing!  My testosterone is dropping!  Now I have an urge to shop for curtains and read Martha Stewart Living!  Woe is me!

Seriously  -_-

[Skyrunner]

Just to note I'm still here. :v

[RedKing]

*nethugs Sappho*

Sounds sorta like where I was several months ago -- massive upheaval and change in my life. It's terrifying and exhausting, but it can also be strangely liberating. Keep your spirits up -- you're a good person. 

[Sappho]

TMI girl stuff warning for the fellas (sorry, but this stuff is painfully relevant to us ladies): Yesterday I saw her borrowing a feminine hygiene product from someone. If you boys aren't aware, girls only need to borrow one when they unexpectedly start their period, otherwise they will already have them. This indicates that she had PMS for a week or so before yesterday, which would cause excess emotionality and mood swings in her just as much as it has been doing to me.

OH NOES!  I have read about a woman talking about menstruation!  Suddenly I am less of a man!  My man cred is diminishing!  My testosterone is dropping!  Now I have an urge to shop for curtains and read Martha Stewart Living!  Woe is me!

Seriously  -_-

You'd be surprised how many guys have precisely this reaction.

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm torn now over whether this is a good thing. I was sort of starting to accept the situation and move on. Now I'm right back where I started, probably about to get my heart broken all over again. We had this conversation just before she left today.

Me: When does your class finish tomorrow?
Her: 6.
Me: Meet me for a drink after.
Her: (hesitation, slight embarrassment) Maybe.
Me: Not maybe. Meet me for a drink. One drink. Just me and you, away from work.
Her: Well I can't promise. We'll be outside all day and it might be raining, I might need to go home immediately to change.
Me: Sunday then. Or Monday.
Her: Monday I leave Prague. (she'll be gone probably the whole month)
Me: Well then you have to meet me this weekend. You said you'd come to my birthday party and you didn't - you owe me one. (grin)
Her: Okay, well... Maybe.

At first it seemed like a "probably" kind of maybe, but then a few minutes later she hugged me to say goodbye and said "have a good July, see you at the summer camp in August," which I corrected to "No, you mean see you tomorrow." She looked embarrassed again and said "maybe" one more time.

I very highly doubt she'll actually meet me tomorrow. But having experienced how it feels to have missed my chance, I'm not going to let it go this time. Even if I have to call her on the phone and give her a pre-teen-style "do you like me yes or no" ultimatum, I'm getting my answers this weekend.

Now to go meet a real live friend for dinner and drinks and rehash all these thoughts once more, this time out loud. One last thing:

I'M ON VACATION! YAAAAYYYYYY!

[Shakerag]

You'd be surprised how many guys have precisely this reaction.

Sadly, no, I likely wouldn't be surprised. 

[Siquo]

You'd be surprised how many guys have precisely this reaction.

Sadly, no, I likely wouldn't be surprised.

Relevant username?


More on topic: Day 4 without caffeine. Slightly less tired now during the day, and actually got some work done at work. Did heat half a bag of M&Ms just now. Chocolate is harder to quit than coffee...

[Shakerag]

You'd be surprised how many guys have precisely this reaction.

Sadly, no, I likely wouldn't be surprised.

Relevant username?

No.

[Reudh]

You'd be surprised how many guys have precisely this reaction.

Sadly, no, I likely wouldn't be surprised.

Most guys I know don't. Then again, I'm in a medical course, so we view it for what it is: a bodily function and nothing more.

[Sappho]

It's strange to be on vacation. I keep forgetting that I don't have to go to work for the next month.

To my surprise, that girl did actually meet me yesterday. She was with another of her friends (a married woman with kids, no worries there). I felt a bit awkward and they mostly spoke to each other in Czech about things I didn't understand very well. I got the impression that she wanted her friend there to keep herself in her comfort zone, rather than being alone with me (or out with some of my friends, as I had always invited her before). She did talk to me a bit though and the three of us did have some good laughs and nice conversation. Plus she kept thinking of new Czech words to teach me, which is very useful. I ended up drinking more than I should have (I HAVE to learn to drink slower) and she was clearly being careful not to drink too much, but I don't think I made too much of a fool of myself. Finally she decided to go home, and her friend as well. I told her I'd like to see her again soon but she said she probably won't have any time. She'll be in the city 2 more days then she's going to her family's house in the country, then on a trip to Portugal with a friend (a guy she made a point of mentioning is gay). I probably won't see her again until August.

I didn't feel the need to make any grand confessions. She was clearly fine with hanging out with me, away from work, as long as she had someone there to keep her comfortable. (She even flirted with me just a little bit and at one point she touched my shoulder, something she doesn't normally do.) Maybe this is the real reason she never wanted to spend time with me before; she needs that comfort zone. At first I was disappointed that we couldn't be alone together, but actually it turned out to be an advantage. She talked about and shared things with her friend that I don't think she would normally have told me about, if it was just the two of us. Maybe this is okay for now. I won't see her for a bit, but she won't be getting into a relationship during this time (with her family and her gay friend). And she promised to keep in close touch via email. If she's willing to spend time with me and let me get to know her in the context of being with her friends, I can keep a relationship with her, flirt but not be pushy, and hopefully eventually get my answers without getting my heart smashed to pieces. Given what I know about her now, I think pushing her at all (even just confronting her and demanding to know if she likes me) will just make her pull away from me entirely. She seems a bit... skittish. : )

I'm nursing my hangover now but I have all my charts organized and ready to put into the computer today. I also have some plans for some more projects, now that I'll have some time. I want to make sure I don't get lazy and depressed during the summer. I must make myself to go Taiji every day (or at least most days) and in my spare time I can't just sit around playing video games (though I did just buy the current Humble Bundle and I will allow myself a specific amount of gaming time each day, details to be decided later). I will create plenty of art, and I will finally start writing a book. Plenty to do, got to keep busy and productive and happy.

Question for you all: I need to create some graphs and charts with this data. I have specific ideas about how I want it to look, but I'm not sure how to create it (other than drawing them by hand). I know Excel creates graphs and charts, but I don't know how powerful it is. How well can I actually customize these graphs? Can I take data from different workbooks and add them to the same graph? Or if it's not so good, can someone recommend a program for generating graphs using lots of data?