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[Fish Preferred]

Dear dwarven and elven merchants:

The nicely paved fortress entrance is at the southern border for a reason. Please stop pathing around the entire fortress just to arrive from the evil-infested northeast corner of the region and trek back across the frozen wastes in a week-long journey to the depot.

I checked the world maps: The Abysmal Gale is surrounded on three sides by an iceclad ocean at the northern extremity of the planet. You have no business being on any of those sides and I'm tired of having to send haulers out to brave the toxic ash storms and zombies just to get a decent supply of potash and fruit from your asphyxiated remains.

Seriously, guys; stop it.

[Staalo]

Dear Monster Slayers,

when I hired you I thought I were hiring battle hardened warriors who would provide their own weapons and armor. Naturally you can imagine my disbelief when I saw you attacking Cave Crocodiles and such armed only with stone earrings and books of poetry. Where are your weapons? Go and get some proper weapons so you can actually do your work before we run out of coffins to store your sorry remains.

Why can't you all be like Therset Lucidtarget, who not only brought her own sword, but also managed to defend the fort against dozens of monsters before succumbing? We will fondly remember Therset, who even while being throttled to death by a troll, managed to bite open its jugular thus killing one more beast post mortem. Memorial service will begin at eight, next to our large weapon stockpile. I hope most of you can take a hint and help yourselves while you're there.

Regards,
the Overseer of Bravelance

[asialsky]

Dear (Everyone still alive):
Please stay out of the basement. We no longer have business down there until we finish the magma aquaduct. Your punches and stabbing don't seem to faze that metal monstrocity. Anyone caught trying to retrieve their fallen friend's sock will be locked in.


Dear Forgotten Beast:
I understand you are angry. I would also be angry if I were a blob made of steel. Please refrain from pushing my dwarves; this makes them angry, and want to hit you until they pass out. We have plenty of GCSs and elves for you to roll over if you stay put.

[Jdorf]

Dear haulers,

I appreciate that, strictly speaking, asking you to move an animal (which happens to be caged) to the trade depot does not entail that you move it within the cage. Indeed, in some sense I admire your linguistic precision. However, since 1) You don't seem to have the same view of entailment with regards to moving cages which (as it happens) contain animals, and 2) I can hardly sell an animal which has just eaten the traders, I would appreciate it if you stopped letting dangerous animals out of cages, particularly in the middle of busy trading periods. Read some Grice occasionally, you armok-damned lazy undergraduates.

Yours,
Dr. O. Seer.

[Senator Jim Death]

Dear Urist McNotFromMyFort:

I understand that you want to visit my library. That is a noble goal for any dwarf or human and I thank you for coming to my fort to read about the wheel-and-axle or animal reproduction. However, I ask you to please stop dropping dead of old age as soon as you step on the map. Please show some consideration for the other visitors.

I also understand that you want to visit my tavern. That, too, is a noble goal. Please stop suffocating to death in my tavern. That goes for you as well, tavern keepers. Seriously, stop dying. We fought off with no losses a giant, a hydra, a wereopossum and forgotten beast... okay, yes, the giant and hydra ran themselves into cage traps. Yes, we just shut the bridges and let the wereopossum change back to normal. Yes, he did bite that bard, and you guys did a fine job killing the bard afterwards. Yes, we basically did the same thing for the beast, but he was breathing fire and I don't think you guys wanted any part of that. Melted his own fool head, then got bit to death by crundles. Where was I?

Oh, yeah, visitors, please consider dying before you get to my fort. Thank you.

[sketchesofpayne]

Parchedvault the Chamber of Trials
Performance Review: Monster Slayers

You ten monster slayers have petitioned to join our fort and you have done a fine job keeping the caverns clear of crundles and troglodytes.  While you've had trouble with blind cave ogres that is not what concerns me.  While most of you are sensibly armed, there are two of your number I must call into question.

Kodan Morulottan, Swordsdwarf
While tireless in your efforts, I must question your methods.  You have foregone a sword and instead arm yourself with a forgotten beast parchment scroll and an artifact wooden figurine of a stoat.  Impressive as it is that you beat creatures to death with these articles, it takes quite a long time.

Thavi Donberu, Human Bowman
While you carry a quiver of arrows you seem to have left your bow behind.  Instead you have been fighting alongside Kodan wielding an artifact bronze high boot.  Just the one, not a pair.  Using it as an improvised punching glove, as you are wearing a pair of lowboots on your feet.  We have procured a few bows from the human caravan in case you change your mind.

As for the rest of you monster slayers, you have been doing a fine job with your swords, spears, crossbows, and maces.  Keep up the good work, and remember there are complementary biscuits and drinks in the mess hall, just beside the trap-filled entrance to the caverns.  And don't forget to sign the chart on the wall for your complimentary stone coffin.


Best Regards,
Baron Kole and the Overseer

[thefinn]

Minkot Mengkon,

To whoever got randomly trigger happy and killed the Giant Cave Spider that was producing all our silk for 5 years...

Your squad gets to go be bait to find another one.

[TheKobold]

Dear Urist McMercenary,

I appreciate your kind offers to join my fort and help me defend it. I really do. To show that appreciation I have crafter you lovely steel armor. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK PUT IT ON! I even took it all out of the bins it was in in case that was the problem. I know we have enough, there is a suit for every dwarf in the fortress. Can you please use it.

P.S. Why do you and your comrades sleep on the floor of your barracks instead of the beds?

Sincerely Your Benevolent Overlord.

[wierd]

To the esteemed expeditionary leader,
Master Eshtan Clamglaze

I have noticed that you have suddenly hauled several corpses into your room.

Care to explain why?

Your most perplexed colleague,
Fortress Administrator.

[Fish Preferred]

Dear dwarves of Sosasvutram:

1 Stop stealing our most valuable trade goods for your personal use and refusing to give them up.
2 Stop chucking all our soap down the well.
3 Stop running into the haunted caverns to clean cave monster blood off the ground. There's a reason it's all over the place, you fucknuts.

[sketchesofpayne]

Dear dwarves of Sosasvutram:

1 Stop stealing our most valuable trade goods for your personal use and refusing to give them up.
...

So they're stealing prepared food pots/barrels?

[Fish Preferred]

So they're stealing prepared food pots/barrels?

That would be a huge stack of trade goods. The goods I'm ranting about are overembellished pieces of jewellery, including a ☼«≡granite bracelet≡»☼ valued at 4580☼. Not that I'm too happy about them scarfing down most of the ☼feather tree egg yolk roast☼s either, mind you.

[Dozebôm Lolumzalěs]

Feather tree egg yolk? Is that from the new herbalism?

[wierd]

Feather wood trees grow only in good biomes.  Instead of producing fruit or seeds, they produce "eggs", and will plaster "egg yolk" all over everything.

To my knowledge however, you cannot actually harvest the eggs for cooking. I might be wrong on that though.

[TheBeardyMan]

Dear Urist McWaterCarrier,

This is a Dwarven Fortress, not an AA meeting. So stop carrying buckets of water to Urist McMiner when he gets thirsty on the job. Urist McMiner doesn't like water. Urist McMiner likes booze. And he's quite capable of walking to the tavern to get some for himself. In fact, your water carrying antics are starting to annoy Urist McMiner - he's distracted due to being kept away from alcohol for too long.

Yours Sincerely, Overseer.