In this case, the order was deceptively simple:
"We want a desktop linux installed on this computer, for use by an old woman, so she can facebook without driveby downloads happening."
OK, I think. Ubuntu, Mint, or Debian will be ideal!
So, what ends up happening? Debian refuses to let me easily install the newly legacy'd nvidia binary drivers for the unit's integrated video, and constantly gives me greif. So, I try Ubuntu.
Ubuntu 12.04 LTS comes with eyeball destroying and nerve crushing Unity by default, so, I apt-get install gnome, and switch to gdm and gnome classic shell. All feels good and well with the world... then, the update manager declares there is an update. After the update, X won't initialize correctly, and I don't feel like figuring out what the update script did to it. On a hunch, I reload the system *again*, and let it grab and install all of its updates from the unity shell. Amazingly, it works! Gee, thanks a fucking lot Canonocial, for neglecting to make your update scripts tolerant of alternative window managers. Way to promote user loyalty. In short, fuck you canonocial, fuck you and unity too. You destroyed 2 weekends with your bullshit.
I have it all set up, properly configured and loaded with wine, and have gnome classic configured for a windows user. I have also disabled all the repositories except for critical security updates, in the hopes of avoiding a repeat occurance of their bullshit.
Regardess, a lot of my time got burned, and I didn't get paid.