TURN 22Cancel the space laser, but redirect the associated funds to NASA, not the military. We're colonizing Mars, bitches!
The attempt to annex Vermont has given us reasonable cause to nationalize McDonalds.
As for the glorious nation of Giraffia, send representatives to join the UN.
1+1,2+1,1Congress overrules you. The money goes back into the military. McDonalds reminds you that the restaurant currently attacking Vermont is out of their control. They do give a sizable donation to your efforts to fight the cows as a show of good faith.
Giraffia's request to join the UN is also soundly rejected.
NOOO GM POST SO SOON, I NOT DECIDE ON ACTION IN TIME
GRAB MY UKULELE AND AMP, MAKE GRAND ENTRANCE OUTSIDE THAT VENUE, THEN LEAD MY FANS, LIKE PIED PIPER OF BLACKENED UKULELE METAL, TO THE ZOO... USE MY EARLIER-GAINED KNOWLEDGE OF ITS LAYOUT TO SET UP ON THE BANDSTAND (HOPEFULLY ZOO HAS ONE OF THOSE) AND HIJACK THEIR SOUND SYSTEM FOR THIS IMPROMPTU CONCERT, HOPEFULLY WHILE ZOO STAFF OFF-DUTY/TOO DISTRACTED BY GIRAFFE BEHAVIOUR
IF NO BANDSTAND, SET UP NEAR/IN PANDA ENCLOSURE, BECAUSE PANDAS ARE BLACK METAL AS FUCK
OH AND IF I HAVE TIME ASSIGN A FAN OR TWO WITH TASK OF MAKING AND DISTRIBUTING FLIERS FOR UNPLANNED, LAST-MINUTE ZOO SHOW WHILE I SETTING UP. MAYBE GET BIGGER CROWD, FILL WHOLE ZOO. WAIT, WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY? HOW CROWDED IS ZOO? WHO CARES, NOBODY STOPPING US NOW
2(+1 for fanatical fanbase), 1You meet your fans, and lead them to the zoo. They get the bandstand set up by the panda exhibit while the zookeepers are off looking for the missing giraffes. The few who are still here are simply bribed. The fan in charge of the flyers isn't able to bring in anyone and a few of the casuals wander off while waiting. Ultimately, the stage is set. You stand in front on the crowd, blackened ukulele in hand.
Add Girafe Hot Dogs to the menu and slaughter the giraffe commanders via assassination
Like Hell you do that.
EDIT2: I'm pretty sure that there's another conspiracy that needs to be added (other than the reptilians and the giraffes): the Jews, who control the world economy, as well as some of the wealthier world powers, such as Japan, the BeNeLux group, and Israel.
EDIT3 (the important one): I, the Giraffe Overmind, reach out to the minds of your cow army and remind them that it was I that made them what they are today, and they should thus be loyal to me. (No, seriously, it was me possessing the hamburgers while I was still the Shadow that made them the Hell Bovine. See the fifth action.)
(I don't want to do the Jewish conspiracy thing.)
5(-1 for defectors)vs43Fatio sends his cowsassins after the giraffe commanders. The Overmind detects this and reaches out to the cows to remind them of their origins. Some of the old loyalists return to serving the Overmind. Elsewhere, the assassinations are crippled by defections. Some of the giraffe commanders are successfully slain, while in other cases the assassins are captured or defect.
"I have no idea what's going on here."
Have my basic shotgun-toting minions to fan out in front of Ithadtam and I while ordering my horsemen to harass the enemy with hit-and-run tactics. Ask Ith to protect me with his shield while I attempt to summon some allies from another realm, hopefully one with swords and stuff
1vs2,3"Dark Mechanicus, I need you to hack NATO satellite and corrupt their communications. Let's see how they fight without their eyes and their very ears trying to drive them crazy..." And Eliphas put his vox-caster back into his ass. Then Eliphas and his Terminators aim at the Ithadtam's abdomen.
Give out the order to Dark Mechanicus*, then shoot Ithadtam in the abdomen.
Squad Gamma 1: Enter Land Raider and drive to the local supermarket, then loot it for milk.
Squad Epsilon 3: Help Eliphas the Inheritor by shooting at Ithadtam from the rocket launchers. Nurglite Sorcerer will unleash disease blob barrage at shotgun minions instead.
Squad Epsilon 4: Keep barraging at the cowardly National Guard.
Land Raiders (Main army): Take mongol riders' harassment on ourselves, then use Havoc Missile Launcher on them.
Havocs (Main army): Fire at the Men of Iron with our Multi-Meltas.
Chaos Sorcerers (Main army again): Aid Goatsby.
Chaos Marines (You guessed it): throw 'nades at the shotgun minions, then shoot at them and Ithadtam.
Decimator Tank: Roll over the mongol riders, then fire all weapons at Ithadtam's head.
* Chaos will be able to see the planet from the NATO satellite, while corrupted communications will drive NATO troops across the globe insane, or even making them serve the Chaos Undivided.
EDIT: How I forgot about Chaos analogue of Baneblade?
(Chaos vs Rethi's minions)
4vs2(Chaos vs National Guard)
3+1vs5-1(Eliphas vs Ithadtam)
5vs1(Chaos goes to the store)
1(Chaos hacks the satellite)
1"AGHH! WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?! WHY WON'T ANY OF THESE TZEENTCH-DAMNED SPELLS KILL YOU?"
Lift Gulliman with a DISEMBODIED MAGIC HAND and crush him.
2+1vs2Going to keep assuming that playerless characters fight back if attacked.
4vs2The battle becomes a rout. Chaos swarms over their enemies and breaks apart their strategies. Together, Ithadtam and Gulliman make a valiant charge into Chaos's lines to attempt to break through. They kill a good number of Chaos Marines, but ultimately Ithadtam is slain by a barrage of explosive rounds and Gulliman is grabbed by the divine goat and crushed with the Sorcerer's aid. The anti-Chaos alliance falls back from the ruins of City Hall. After that, things aren't as successful for Chaos. Their hacking efforts fail and alert NATO to improve their security. The Land Raider looking for the store gets lost and drives around in a mall. Rethi summons a squad of
Imperial stormtroopers to aid his faction. Elsewhere, Gulliman awakes after his apparition is destroyed.
Search for a cheap apartment if possible close to a store that sells milk.
1There aren't any apartments that fit that description available in this area. A tourist mistakenly congratulates you and Oichi on your wedding.
I bring him(Lincoln) back with his guards, and wear his hat. I also give him a spare key to the time machine, which has a button to summon it whenever you should need it.
5+1Lincoln gets a squad of elite Union troops while remarking on the need for some sort of official Presidential protection service. You take him to the present in your time machine. You arrive with him in DC in an angelic chorus accompanied by a flock of doves. The Capitol building stands beneath you.
Give blessing of Milk God on those that decided to take the path of milk.
6You bless them with your power. They turn into milk creatures.
"Good. Sorry. Was just taken off guard by the success. Anyways. OH MY BLOODY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT!"
Notices the giant portal.
"Any chance we can just ignore that and get back to work?"
1You turn to see if anyone is still there, but your colleagues all rushed out of the room as soon as they saw the giant hole in spacetime.
FIX THE WORLD! THESE SHENANIGANS MUST NOT GO UNPUNISHED!
1It turns out fixing the world is really hard. All you manage to do is buy out all the affordable apartments in Luxembourg for some reason.
Cast a ritual to turn some normal milk into giraffe milk. Afterward, prepare a ritual to curse all baked goods currently on earth to turn people into cows under my control.
1,3Your spell malfunctions and reduces that perfect milk in the safe to ash. Your cow ritual begins. It's not ready yet, but you feel the power growing.
Yell, "Free Snack" as loud as I can into the portal and then close it as quickly as possible.
5Should anything wicked this way come and a lovecract beastie get to close to the portal, I want to try to get an eye, tooth, tentacle, or whatever the thing has as a trophy.
2Turn eldritch dimension into new DOOOOOOOOM MUUUUUUUUUG. Unleash DOOOOOOOOM MUUUUUUUUUG MK II upon the solar system, this time much closer to Earth.
1Angelo closes the portal while metaphorically ringing the dinner bell for the abominations within. He then closes it. Good timing on the angel's part, for now Diablo takes control.
On the inside, ATHATH tries to bring the DOOOOOOOOM MUUUUUUUUUG back home, but it is smashed apart. Masses of tentacles and eyes come crawling up beneath him and attack.
5vs5 It is a battle for the ages. ATHATH hits the beasts with worldbreaking ghost magic as they attack him from dimensions beyond understanding. In the end, it's a stalemate. While ATHATH breaks open the gooey skull of a creature, the others toss him back out through a tiny slash in reality into his own world.
(Sorry for posting so late)
Harbringer signals his troops to guard the perimeter before entering into the store along with the indoctrinated human. He then commands him to distract the other humans while He grabs the milk.
(No problem, welcome back.)
2You set your troops on the door and send in your human minion as a distraction. Unfortunately, a human running into the store and doing an impromptu amateur performance of Thriller still isn't as eye-catching as a glowing four-eyed bugman with a gun.
Poll
16 (45.7%)
Author
Topic: Minimalism and Milk (Read 220563 times)