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[Untouchable]

Now you might be thinking, Untouchable flopped with his Baldur's Gate LP because he is lazy. And you know what? You are mostly correct as I wasn't really feeling the dialogue and such that I had written. It's not as fun trying to write based on the characterization of the established characters as you never really feel like you can live up to someone like Minsc or Tiax.

So I'm trying something else... We are going to travel the Oregon Trail using Oregon Trail II . And now, let us meet our traveling party.


Our Guys

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Name: Furious George
Age: Possibly 37 although not likely to respond.
Profession: Enraged Ape armed with Weaponry

Biography: The worlds only talking monkey armed with a shotgun, Furious George is here to fling poop and shoot stuff. Being forced to continue moving to new places due to his capacity for violence, he plans to settle somewhere with plenty of stuff out there in the wild.




Name: Hctib Ettil
Age: Indeterminate although possibly immortal.
Profession: Exists for others to look better.

Biography: Not much is known about him as few can stand his presence for more than a few minutes. Was traveling with another group but was given the boot in the middle of nowhere and is now traveling Western-ish.





Name: Seņor Robotico
Age: Thousands of years old but in fact actually from the future so it hasn't been born yet.
Profession: Doesn't have one. Discriminated against based on being a Robot when it shouldn't actually exist yet or ever.

Biography: From a place that nobody can pronounce and somehow from a point in time where Hispanic robots ruled the earth, it was originally sent back in time to murder an actress who starred in a little known film concerning the machines taking over the world. However, it overshot when it was supposed to arrive and is now piss farting around.



Name: DA KING
AGE: 31 in King Years
Profession: A KING DOES NOT WORK.

Biography: A bizarre little man who claims to be the man who rules the entire world and that he is part of every conspiracy in existence. He seems to just be a weird person who is wearing a paper crown.





Name: That Guy
Age: Nobody really cares
Profession: Generic stuff that people do.

Biography: The underling of DA KING, he is somewhat of an enigma if only because nobody really pays attention to him.

But of course, where are we starting from and where are we heading?

-Starting City- (Marked in Yellow)

- Nauvoo
- Kanesville
- St. Joseph
- Independence

-Destinations- (Marked in White)
- Oregon City
- Jacksonville (Rogue River Valley)
- Sacramento
- Salt Lake City



So Gentlemen, let's hear it about what we have to do!

[Spartan 117]

Independence. Oregon City.

[Heron TSG]

Nuavoo to Sacramento!

[Servant Corps]

Salt Lake City or BUST!

[Myroc]

Nauvoo to Oregon City

[Seamas]

God, I love this game.  Westward ho!  Bring pemmican.

[Hugehead]

No cities in Arizona.
Nauvoo to Sacramento.

[Untouchable]

Robotico: And where to from here?

Furious George: Oregon City.

Hctib Ettil: And where are we?

Furious George: WE'RE IN YOUR MUM STEVE!

Hctib: Wow, unnecessary.

That Guy: Apparently we are in Independence, Missouri. The hub of the central route to California.

DA KING:
                    Ffffffffffffffasinating!!!!

Robotico: Now then, let's go SHOPPING!



This person sells you a travel pack. It's barely enough to get by but it'll last you at least up to Salt Lake City. From there you'd need to get a crapload of stuff to get further.

Now, overall our gear looks like this!

-Animals-

- 10 Oxen

-Clothing-

- 15 sets of clothing
- 5 socks
- 15 shoes

Robotico: Uh, why do we have an odd number of socks and shoes?

Furious George: According to you, you are a "robot". Whatever the fuck that is. All I know is that you aren't good enough to get a set of socks and shoes.

Hctib: Your math is all sorts of wrong there.

Furious George: I think that you'll be very interested in what else I have bought.

-Firearms-

13 boxes of Bullets
6 25-lb  kegs of gunpowder
1 Rifle
5 sacks of shot
1 Shotgun

Hctib: I know that I'll regret this but what is the shot for?

Furious George: I dunno.

Hctib: Why did you buy it?

Furious George: Do you really want to hear an answer from a monkey armed with a shotgun? No? Then shut your bitch mouth before I start experimenting.

-Food-

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

347 pounds of Bacon
25 pounds of Cheese
30 pounds of Coffee Beans
10 10-lb sacks of cornmeal
9 5-lb tins of crackers
25 10-lb sacks of dried beans
12 tins of dried bread

35 sacks of dried fruit
30 sacks of dried vegetables
25 sacks of flour
3 slabs of lard

212 pounds of pemmican
1 keg of pickles
23 tins of preserved potatoes
10 sacks of rice
2 boxes of saleratus

12 pounds of tea
1 box of yeast cake
2 kegs of vinegar
5 sacks of garlic
27 pounds of salted meat

DA KING: What is this pemmican? Why do we have so much? What the hell is this pemmican?

Medicines

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

1 jar of aloe vera
1 bottle of alum
1 bottle of iodine
1 bottle of laudanum
1 bottle of peppermint
1 bottle of sulfur

8 bottles of brandy
2 bottles of capsicum
5 gallons of whiskey

That Guy: You bought the booze as medicine because you knew we wouldn't let you take along a private stock, didn't you...

Furious George: Two Things; First, I am going to get drunk and run out there shooting things with my shotgun. Second, why the hell are you on my wagon?

And we have nothing else of interest. Now it's time for us to depart!



There was an Old Santa Fe? Will there be a New New Santa Fe in the future.

Robotico: No. Because that would be silly. Stupid squishy.



Let's kick up the pace! Westward bound!



Ah dammit.



Furious George: You know what, shut up.

Thankfully, being obsessed with guns allows me to repair the crack in the yoke. However it has been some time since I have been drinking or killing critters. It is time to double my pleasure.





That Guy: Oh god... You're not responsible for this are you FG?

Furious George: That could be any drunk with a gun. Why would it be my fault?

DA KING: Do not worry my friend, this turn of events can be stricken from your record once I become king!



That is certainly a mound...


DA KING:
                    Ffffffffffffffasinating!!!!



We continue on our way before Da King can find anything else that is fascinating. When suddenly disaster strikes!




Robotico: I LACK ALL OF THESE THINGS! HOW CAN I BE SICK AND IN PAIN?

But how will we treat him? We may have to consult outside sources for our course of action.... maybe even you! Yeah, that guy behind the computer screen. Maybe you would know how to solve our robots woes!

ROBOTICO: HOW CAN I HAVE MEATBAG ORGANS?

[Heron TSG]

Use the booze, it's a cure-all!

[Spartan 117]

Increase fluid intake, keep cool and moist.

[breadbocks]

Keep going as normal. We cannot let some whiny robot slow us down.

[Untouchable]

Following Roboticos bizarre ailment, we decided to moisten him up. He protested this since apparently he thinks that he will rust but he is also somewhat of a moron.



DA KING: Perhaps we should pay the fee.

Furious George: Fuck that, let's float this sucker across.

And so we did. Nothing bad happened to us so maybe our poor luck previously would have run out.



We stopped into a mission to purchase some more ammunition and water flasks.



Another river. No worries, we got across the last one fine.

That Guy: I'm not sure about this you guys.

Furious George: And who are you to be calling me out?

Hctib Ettil: The river looks worse than earlier.

Furious George: I'M THE ONE WITH THE GUNS, WE ARE FLOATING ACROSS.



Furious George: NOOOOOOOOO~! BACON! AMMO!

Robotico: We may have another problem.



That Guy: PULL ME OUT YOU DICKS!

Furious George: How dare you tell me what to do, whoever you are!

Hctib Ettil: Fine, I'll pull him out.



And now the little bitch has caught a cold. This day is certainly not going well.

Hctib Ettil: Look, I'll be fine if you just let me get some rest.

Furious George: Just tilt your head back so I can apply some vinegar to the problem.

Hctib Ettil: YOU'LL WHAT? IT'S A DAMN COLD!

Furious George: This vinegar is going up your nose, one way or another.



Robotico: Buddy, you're a little bit of a psychopath.

Furious George: I'M INVINCIBLE!

*2 hours later*



DA KING: It's karmariffic.

Furious George: If I didn't feel like poop was about to leak out, I would get my gun.

That Guy: It does serve you right though.



Floating across again!




And we have now officially entered Kansas. I'll leave it at here for now so that we can continue in a new state.

[JoshuaFH]

You're barely out of the state you started in and you've almost killed everyone in atleast five different ways.

Me watching this is compulsory.