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[LordBaconus]

ZALUDZULASH GESHUD OKBOD:
FUTUREPAIN THE FORTRESS OF DOOMS

Prologue: "Dig, you fools!"

"It is the 2nd of granite of 1242. Our wagon has stopped and so we must have arrived at our destination, a holy land of future elven slaughter!" Narrates Degel.

Shut up Degel. I AM THE NARRATOR!
Ahem.

Degel pokes her head through the curtains that leads to the front of the cart. Her driver is missing which explains why the cart stopped. A skeletal bird a few dozen metres away yells "Dig, you fools!" at her. Scratch that. It was the cart driver yelling, being carried away by a skeletal bird, probably to be fed to her offspring. Her skeletal offspring.

And so Degel, Bomrek, Kadol, Cilob, Stinthad, Kogan and Thob hastily strike the Earth. Very hastily.



The cast, disembarking location, disclaimers:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Welcome to the Eviscerated Land, a continent in the grand world of Infinite Realm. I've chosen to settle on The Fields of Oblivion, a haunted grassland. Next to me is a goblin civ called The Smooth Sin. I don't know if my civ(The Crimson Oars) is at war with them. I'm having trouble with the Legends Viewer. I wish that would stop happening. Whatever. On to the cast!

Degel is a proficient fisherman and wrestler, because if I expect her to catch some undead carp for us to eat I also expect her to beat the hell out of it. In retrospect it might've been a good idea to give her some swiming skills too.

Bomrek is an adequate wound dresser and diagnostician, a skilled surgeon and a novice bone doctor and suturer. He's the one who'll patch our dorfs up after they lose their arms in a fist fight with a skeletal dinosaur.

Kadol is a competent carpenter and axeman and skilled dodger. Because at least SOMEONE needs to be able to defend themselves. And make ourselves some beds.

Cilob is a competent brewer, an adequate cook and a novice judge of intent, appraiser, consoler, record keeper and leader. Because we need someone who knows when people are about to snap so we can lock them outside our glorious hole(glory-hole?) and leave them to the (skeletal)carrion birds.

Stinthad is a competent wood cutter, skilled axeman, and competently disciplined. Because when everyone freaks out we need someone disciplined enough to not lose his shit and carry their freaking-out selves outside. For the skeletal carrion birds.

Kogan is an adequate miner, mason, novice stone crafter and competent wrestler. He's also an adequate observer, because why not.

Thob is an adequate miner, weaponsmith, armorsmith and a skilled grower. Because we'll eventually run out of plump helms.

The Driver is dead.



Disclaimer: I've never before played a whole in-game year of DF. I'm a complete Not Dorfer. Today, that changes. Today we fight. Today we build. Today I become an Adequate Dorfer.

Disclaimer(2): English is not my native language. You may experience some sloppy writing during your ride. Please keep your seatbelts on and DO NOT throw a tantrum.

THE MOST PROFANE TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Prologue: "Dig, you fools!"
Part 1: "Who ordered this?"
Part 2: Degel overture
Part 3: The Future of Futurepain draws closer

[Pencil_Art]

Have !!FUN!!, man.

[LordBaconus]

ZALUDZULASH GESHUD OKBOD:
FUTUREPAIN THE FORTRESS OF DOOMS
Part 1: Who ordered this?

"I finished up some work. That was very satisfying!" exclaims Kogan. Kogan's a thin dwarf, short-headed and dark haired. He arranges all facial hair in double braids: his hair, his moustache and his beard. He used to arrange his nose hair in double braids as well but he stopped doing that after people started bullying him for it when he was a toddler. Apparently it looked really gross with his upturned nose.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^{Kogan doing some intense mining.}

Anyways, Kogan was very satisfied. Ever since their driver was taken by some undead bird he's been unable to focus at work. What if he were to be next, after all? But he hadn't seen anything menacing since he got off the wagon and digging some holes was really helping him forget the whole ordeal. A clean sky, some grass, animals (specially the turtles. He loved turtles)... Perhaps he really would be able to raise a family here!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^{This doesn't look so bad!}

Then his sixth sense kicked in. You see, Kogan has a very good intuition. He felt something very bad was about to happen. And then something very bad happened.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^Oh.

Degel had been fishing at a pond when the sky changed colour to an ominous red. Then some sort of colloidal substance that smelled of despair, disgust and feces started raining. Scratch that. It was actual feces. It was raining feces. Degel stopped for a moment to vomit and promptly jumped into the pond to wash herself.

And in came Stinthad, the woodcutter. She didn't even seem bothered. She just finished cutting trees, went to the pond, stopped for a few seconds to look at everything with contempt and bathed herself. Then she got out of the pond, took a deep breath and shook her fist at the skies, screaming "WHO ORDERED THIS!?" at the top of her lungs.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^{An accurate depiction of Stinthad shaking her fists at the heavens in defiance.}

She looked back to see how her other fellow dwarves were faring. The miners seemed to be alright, as the tunnel they were digging was only partly filled with vomit. Their doctor isn't faring too bad himself, rushing from the pond to the cart trying to help as many dwarves as possible. Speaking of the cart...

The cart was covered in sick dwarves and farm animals as well as their vomit. There was barf everywhere. And shit. There was shit everywhere. On the water, on their food, on their animals and on themselves.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^{The blue stuff is barf. The red stuff is either red sand or 'muck'}

And so ends the 8th of Granite of 1242.
 Failure? Check.
 Vomit? Check.
 Despair? Check.
 Accomplishment? Uh-uh.

What kind of morbid effect will this shitty weather have on our dwarven heroes? Find out next time!
^{Hehe, shitty weather}

[Immortal-D]

Disclaimer(2): English is not my native language. You may experience some sloppy writing during your ride. Please keep your seatbelts on and DO NOT throw a tantrum.

*Immortal-D cancels read Story, throwing a Tantrum *  You're off to a good start, but Muck Rain can be brutal.  Good luck

[LordBaconus]

ZALUDZULASH GESHUD OKBOD:
FUTUREPAIN THE FORTRESS OF DOOMS
Part 2: Degel Overture

Futurepain...

Degel rises from her bed after a long week of hard dwarven work. It is morning, and the birds-of-prey chirp an agonizing cacophony outside as the sun rises and bathes the fertilizer-covered land with an ominously apocalyptic red. She yawns and stretches herself. The miners dig, the crafter crafts, the farmer plants and the animals vomit outside. She dresses herself and reluctanly steps out of her 'home'. A rain of foul-smelling poo-poo greets her. The smell makes her dizzy and nauseous. She stumbles to the nearest pond and starts fishing. And so the cycle proceeds like the days: anew!

Cilob felt quite annoyed by the weather. However, with the miners hard at work, they now had something which, with Armok's blessing, could one day be called a home. To someone. Perhaps. Anyway, their hard toil had resulted in cover from the freakish weather for them, but not their food. And so she had ordered that a new room be dug. When that work was finished, they would finally have somewhere where they could store their delicious dwarven food. When the miners were done, she began carrying their dung-covered barrels of food inside. After she finished her part of the chore, she decided she would take a bath at the nearby pond. She was quite dirty. She stepped outside and...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

^{And then she snapped.}

Thob was very satisfied at work. Well, duh. He was a miner, which meant that he didn't have to stay outside like poor Stinthad the woodcutter or Degel the fisherdwarf. And so he dug, cheerfully humming a dwarven drinking tune from back on the mountainhomes. He watched his poor dwarven brethren, as they rushed outside to get their foodstuffs and back inside through the barf filled corridor. He heard Cilob say something about taking baths and then just before she reached the pond she started screaming.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! IT'S RAINING BLOODY COW CHIPS! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD HELP ME!!!!" she cried.

, so she slipped on some of her bodily fluids(mainly vomit) and fell into the pond while despairing. She stepped out of the pond, feeling blissful and refreshed. And then she returned to work.

And so ends the 23rd of Granite of 1242.
I'll show what I've actually done in the next few updates instead of just mentioning it. It's not much though.
Also, why are there no undead beings? Where are they? There are about 5 chinchillas and some birds around. That's it.

[LordBaconus]

ZALUDZULASH GESHUD OKBOD:
FUTUREPAIN THE FORTRESS OF DOOMS
Part 3: The Future of Futurepain draws closer

Things have proceeded as usual. Cilob ocasionally freaks out. The game frequently announces that it has started to rain acrid muck after about 2 or 3 seconds of normal, non-freakish weather, and the miners mine.

This is what my hole in the ground looks like by the end of this post:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

EDIT: I went to the wiki to see if my fears about mist were unfounded. They were. I swear I heard something bad about some sort of mist though. Was I dreaming? Was it Stephen King? I don't know.

The stockpile near the entrance is my big-ass refuse stockpile. I don't know how to make traps and so I don't have a way of defending myself from goblins or kobolds other than a few amateur axedwarfs. So I decided that I would at least try to gross them out of invading my for- ahem, hole in the ground.

The room next to that pond will be a bath house. I can't have Cilob freaking out every damn time she decides to clean herself. It seems to happen every 1 or 2 weeks, and she's actually picking up the pace. That's probably because everything's covered in vomit and because we don't have beds nor chairs. Not to mention it's dropping droppings from the sky.

There's also the food stockpile, my plumpy-thingy farm, the still and the carpenter's workshop. I've ordered my carpenter to build some beds 2 weeks ago, but everyone's carrying the wood to the wood stockpile. And it's taking them SOOOOO LOOOONG!

It's probably because they keep slipping in their own vomit. And sleeping while on the job. Except for Stinthad, she just doesn't give a fuck.
People should just listen to what I say, thinks Kadol Whipprincess the Carpenter. Everyone wants some bloody beds to sleep in, and some chairs so they can plant their asses on while they eat. But noooo, let's have our CARPENTER HAUL SOME WOOD!!!

He picks up a pile of logs, vomits, slips on his vomit and drops all the logs. He picks them up again and hauls them for a few metres, then he slips on someone else's vomit. After a few minutes, he finally manages to deliver the pile of logs to the wood stockpile.

Then I found out how to change his fucking job preferences. He was very thankful. Everyone was. Thank you internet. And this marks where I actually write what I'm doing instead of my dwarfs' daily life. For now at least.
Right. So he's making some beds. The crafter dude. I forgot his name already. Kado? Kadol? Yeah, Kadol. My miners are digging out the floors of what will become the baths and I've told them to dig a few z-levels until I hit actual rock. Not this phony 'mudstone', but some actual rock. I'll make the living quarters and dining room in this holy promised z-level of rocky walls. We're not bloody hobbits. We're dwarves. We refuse to grovel on the mudstone and redsand.

I've also done some research on trade depots. Apparently it needs a corridor at least 5 tiles wide. Mine is 3. Therefore I've decided to build the trade depot adjacent to the refuse pile. Futurepain. We always put your needs before ours.

Next? Oh, the mason's workshop. Because we'll need doors and tables and chairs. Of course. Also, Cilob, get over here. I told you to make that bloody farm ages ago, why are you hauling some wood around? Bloody hell. Oh, Cilob's the FARMER. I need the GROWER. Okay, Thob, where the hell are you?



Well, this is a mess. I just sort of wrote a few lines while playing and then tried to cobble everything together after I was done. It didn't work out very well. Let's not do that again.