PART XIX: Elesa
Music for the evening has been provided by... well, I don't actually know, nor do I care to know. In fact, maybe you'd be better off humming tunelessly to yourself instead of listening to this
. And for the love of Mew don't watch it
Plenty of Elesa-centric smut, precious few Gym shots. The things I do for this LP
Nimbasa's Pokemon Gym is in the amusement park! No doubt it has a surprising gimmick.*
Well, first I went to an operational restaurant where I saw John Madden eat his weight in turkey legs, then I went to a museum full of priceless artifacts that was subsequently raided by Team Plasma, and the last Gym I was in heavily featured clowns, honey, and the artwork of a madman. They'll be hard pressed to surprise me here.
This, but with more neon
...not the first time I've been wrong, I'll admit.
How about it? I can see you're surprised! Would you ever have guessed that this Gym is a roller coaster? You can change where the car goes! Sometimes you continue by riding the cars of opponents you defeat. That's how you aim for the Gym Leader.*
I have to ride a roller coaster in circles to get to the Leader? Isn't that going to make backtracking a bitch?
Yes. Yes it is.
[Good thing we won't need to backtrack much]
Another challenger? How trite.
Sweet Mew, this Gym is full of annoying, wealthy hangers-on with no place better to be!
A Ground type? Clearly you don't know how things are done here.
[Ha! Air superiority, bitches!]
[Electric/Flying, huh? Cute. Unfortunately for you, while you may be immune to Ground type moves, you are not immune to me being a crocodile] *CRUNCH*
Nice work, Gustave. We'll be through this rabble in no time.
*GUSTAVE HAS EVOLVED INTO KROKOROK!*
No time at all.
It really is as easy as that- there isn't anything in this Gym Gustave can't drop in a hit or two. A Super Potion here or there is all we need to rip straight through the entire Gym.
Of course, ripping through the Gym itself is somewhat tedious and roundabout. Each time you get on the roller coaster, it takes you to a new platform, where normally you have to battle a trainer in order to access a button in order to change the path of the roller coaster. What kind of coaster is built to change tracks in mid-run, I do not know. It isn't even a roller coaster so much as it is a maglev
. It's fast and sparkly and all, but most roller coasters don't make multiple stops in the middle of the ride.
This may be a good time to- that's right! Compare and contrast with Generation One!
Bitches love electricity
That cocky bastard up there is Lt. Surge, leader of the Vermilion City Gym. Yes, Lieutenant
Surge- he has an active rank in the military. Like Elesa, he uses Electric-type Pokemon. But, whereas Elesa uses hers to illuminate Poke-Vegas, Surge used his to fight a goddam war
. This guy's job was to run into a battlefield full of dragons and dinosaurs and ghosts and all kinds of horrible things, and electrocute them until they died
. And this is war we're talking about, not battling- he probably electrocuted the trainers, too. He still wears his fatigues every day, just in case he needs to form a guerilla resistance movement
and doesn't have time to go home and get his war pants.
A friend of mine once asked me what happened to all the Gyrados rampaging in the Lake of Rage in Generation II- I told him they all flew over to Kanto where Surge murdered their shit. And you know what else? Surge is American, which given the way the Pokeverse has developed means that he was really Unovan- He went to war to kick Kanto Ass, discovered that Pikachu is way cooler than anything back home and decided to stay. But he didn't relinquish his military rank- the way I figure, when he refused to come home the Unovans just made him a one-man occupation force. And it worked. It's probably worth noting that Vermilion had no Rocket problem in Gen I- this means it joins Fushia City (the one run by a NINJA,) Pallet Town (the starting town,) and Pewter City (The first Gym, and even then you hit Rocket in the segment immediately following) as the only cities in Kanto free of the influence of Team Rocket.
Further, he was the third Gym Leader in Generation I, and was the first Gym to have a gimmick. First, his Gym was stocked with his old war buddies and heavy metal musicians, because nobody else on the continent
is as Metal as Surge (Jasmine notwithstanding.) Second, not only is Surge Axe-Crazy, he's also regular crazy too! Paranoia, to be specific- Surge filled his Gym with garbage cans, and hid switches in them. EVERY LAST ONE. To open the doors to face Surge himself, you had to root through the trash and flick a switch- if it was the right switch, you then had to pick the garbage can with the correct second
switch in the sequence. Failure means that the entire web of circuitry reset itself
, and you had to start over from dumpster one. I imagine Surge spends his days reliving the atrocities of war, curled up in the dark, so by the time a Trainer manages to solve his stupid puzzle and open the door he's in a nice, murderous frenzy.
Then there's Elesa.
Your search for "non-slutty Elesa" returned 0 results
Whereas Surge is a battle-hardened warrior, Elesa is a supermodel. One would think that being an Electric type user would encourage you to wear more
clothes, not less, but here we are. Looking at it, it appears that she is wearing a long pair of pantyhose, a black corset and bra, and a yellow shirt with a massive hole in the front- this is the outfit that inspires fear in all her challengers! Just replace "fear" with "lust" and "challengers" with "twelve year old boys," which now that I've typed it out makes me suspect Elesa may be some kind of sexual predator. I've got no reason to think she isn't a supermodel- she certainly has the anorexia for the job. She looks like a honey bee made out of twigs, an impression that isn't helped by the... I'm gonna guess headphones? that she's wearing. Again, I'm not sure why an Electric type user would have extremely long conductive materials leading directly to her brain, but here we are.
And whereas Surge's Gym had grunge rockers and grognards, Elesa has pasty white rich people. Spray-tan the boys orange and you'd think you were in a Pokemon-themed episode of Jersey Shore. And instead of having a complicated security system to earn your Gym Battle, her gimmick is a remarkably linear (albeit pretty) train ride. You are literally on rails
for this segment. And finally, while Vermilion is free of criminal syndicates, the very King of Team Plasma enjoys riding the Ferris Wheel RIGHT OUTSIDE the Gym. This should probably show how effective Elesa is as a trainer.
Anywho, after much circling and spinning over every damn inch of the Gym, I am finally deposited at Elesa's platform.
Did the fantastic speed leave you dizzy? My beloved Pokemon will be the next one to make your head spin!*
What, no preamble?
What do you want? I just want this to be over so I can get back to the fun parts of my job.
Wait, you're a Gym Leader... but you don't enjoy battling?
Of course not! It's inhumane what some people do to their Pokemon.
I can understand that- I've been to the Playhouse.
I've long been in favor of guaranteeing more rights for Pokemon.
Wait a minute... that sounds like Team Plasma talk!
Team Plasma isn't all bad- sure, they're extremist nutjobs who should never be in a position of power, but with any luck their actions will make it easier for moderates such as myself.
Or more likely, their incompetency will cause widespread public backlash against you!
Perhaps, but I doubt it. They may be going about it the wrong way, but at least they're raising public consciousness about the issue- you can't convince anyone of anything if they haven't at least conceived of the notion beforehand.
You're pretty smart, for a supermodel.
And you're kind of an ass for a twelve year old- now let's get this thing over with.
Hello there, Pokemon fans, and welcome to the latest edition of Unovan Idol!
Oh Mew, not again.
Monk comes to us with a full team tonight- but no member is more important than Gustave, a level 30 Krokorok! This powerful Pokemon figures to see the most field time tonight!
[Let's rumble, ladies]
Go, Emolga! *Pursuit* *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH*
Monk is taking advantage of Gustave's innate ability- Moxie! Every time Gustave faints an opponent, his Attack rises!
What, another one? Good grief, you only have 3 Pokemon to begin with!
Hey, it isn't easy to find electric Pokemon on this continent! *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH*
Then face my most powerful Pokemon- Zebstrika!
[End of the line, champ]
Seriously, an evolved Blitzle? Come on, I
could have one of those by now if I was allowed to catch more than one Pokemon on a route! Hell, this is basically the team everyone else in here uses! *Dig*
And that does it! Monk has handily dismantled Elesa and gained his fourth Gym badge! He is now halfway through the Pokemon League Challenge, but the journey will only get tougher from here on out! Can Monk endure? Find out NEXT TIME, here on Unovan Idol!
Wow, you MUST be in cahoots with Team Plasma- only they could lose this
Very funny, smart guy. Here's your reward.
...this isn't even as much as what I made from beating up on Lucius Failfoy back there!
Hey! It's MALfoy, you bloody twit!
I KNOW WHAT I SAID!
Fine, take this TM of mine- it's Volt Switch, my signature move. It not only deals damage, but also allows the user to switch out.
Aren't you forgetting something?
I was getting there! Here, your Bolt Badge.
Rocket Zapdos, I choose you!
Excellent- now, on to Driftveil City!
You're going to Driftveil City next? Of course- there is a Pokemon Gym there, after all. Oh... I bet you won't be able to get there. You know what? I'll fix it so you can cross. Wait for me on Route 5.*
Well that's... unexpectedly generous. What's the catch?
No catch- you need to get to Drifveil, and I'm the only one who can get Clay to lower the drawbridge. The faster I get you out of my city, the better, so far as I'm concerned. Besides, what are you gonna do instead, swim across?
I DO have a Water-Type Pokemon...
[I am not
towing you across a river because you are too lazy to walk]
...he doesn't seem enthused. I suppose I'll take you up on your offer. Honestly I'm not entirely sure he knows how to swim
Good! I'll see you on Route 5.
NEXT TIME: Rack'n Frak'n Plasma!
Suggestions, Comments, Criticism welcome as always.
Nuvema Town- "Marvin", Oshawott
Route 1- XXX
Accumula Town- ??
Route 2- "Pompey", Lillipup 6-12
Striaton City- ??
Dreamyard- "Mojo Jojo", Pansear 10-12
Route 3- "Timon", Patrat 8-15
Wellspring Cave- "Cletus", Woobat 11-14
Nacrene City- ??
Pinwheel Forest- "Heinrich", Pidove
Castelia City- ??
Route 4- "Urkel", Scraggy
Desert Resort- "Gustave", Sandile
Nimbasa City- ??
Route 5- "Miho", Gothita
Route 16- "Oscar", Trubbish
Relic Castle- "Teddy", Yamask
Lostlorn Forest- "Himmler", Tranquill
Driftveil Drawbridge- ??
Driftveil City- ??