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[Greiger]

Dear player;

     We miss you.  We were the best of pals!  Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible.  Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.

     Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us.  But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.

     We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress?  This is very hard to understand!

Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.

I cried a little inside.

[WillowLuman]

Dear player;

     We miss you.  We were the best of pals!  Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible.  Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.

     Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us.  But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.

     We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress?  This is very hard to understand!

Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.

It's not you, it's me. I just have this thing about people coming in, turning into animals, and then shredding people, it really bugs the crap out of me.

-Player

[Mr Space Cat]

Dear Miner Number Two,

You're a lazy asshole. You've been on break for several months now, and left all the digging to Miner Number One. We're not even out of the first year, and there's still a lot of digging left. Get your rear in gear or you might find your role replaced once one of the useless children comes of age. It wouldn't surprise me if you're still on break by then.

-Dah Ovuhseeyah.

[hiroshi42]

My fellow Ursticans

I understand that most of you are... unhappy.  We have had a tough few months what with the hooved undead army from hell killing some of the militia.  This is no excuse for murder and mayhem as such I believe we need to clear the air on what one can expect to follow certain outbursts:

Killing of medical personnel will result in an unarmored trip to the danger room unless their death leads to yours.

Releasing of caged beasts shall result in a two month suspension of booze privileges.
Unless that beast kills someone else or was especially shiny in which case see above.

Failure to report a corpse decorating your room or the hospital or the freaking zoo will result in unspeakable horrors from beyond time being released on your collective buttocks.  If I cannot engrave them I cannot really find out who killed them.

Breaking of other furniture, assaulting other dwarves, and running about naked and babbling are, for now, perfectly fine.  Now please enjoy this fine relaxing mist and calm the hell down.

Dear migrants.  Please use the hollow shell of the temporary fort for the time being.  It is spacious and has hardly any blood and is probably not going to murder you any time soon.

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer who really should have prepared more before trying to clear out that curious structure and who might just kill you all out of spite.

[Devling]

Spite is the best reason to do anything.

[enizer]

to the engravers guild: re: recent engravings

after looking over your area, your engravings are thus:
a: your lunch (about 45%)
b: the foundation of this fortress (about 10%)
c: defiyi onslaughtlion(elf) taming bobcats(year 39) (about 40%)
d: other non-history (about 5%)
really? this one elf? is that all the worlds history?

it's the year 204, the third year of this fort, surely something other then this one elf(taming bobcats) has mattered in the history of our world?

to the (vanilla)elf merchant: RE: travel?

i was unusually giving this year, loading your caravan up with random animals untill you couldnt carry any more
your responce: heading down, all the confusing way down to cave level 3 and exit the map THERE
..
well played..

to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty

you were sent down to the caverns, with two others, to get rid of the troglodytes interrupting our operators there
you preformed admirably, and dispatched them without injury, and then, as you finished your task:
you were unhappy, complainging about being releaved of duty.
even after many months and other tasks, you keep complaining about this
you are hereby being isolated, as the rest of us worry about your growing despair with occationally running out of things to kill

[Awessum Possum]

Dear Urist McMiner,

You are now an exMiner. I hope you are happy. We have many nice empty rooms and beds you can sleep in. You don't have to sleep on the floor. Moreover, while it may indeed be warm, magma is a terrible bedfellow. You have cost me a miner, a pick axe, and a baby. Good job. Maybe you won't fall asleep next time you breach a volcano.

Sincerely,
Your overseer.

Dear Masons,

Please just build those walls. Last time you didn't a dozen civilians and all but two militia men lost there lives and a further seven or eight died salvaging the situation. If you can not build those walls before another invincible death machine arrives, I shall lock you out with it, because my militia dwarves are more valuable than you.

Sincerely your overseer.

Dear Urist McCrazy,

You made my actually imprison a normal dwarf. Good job. I know you lost your entire family in that unfortunate fire-breathing tape worm incident. I tried to be understanding, even when you broke a fellow jeweler's arm. But you ripped the head off of a carpenter, which nearly set off a tantrum spiral. So yes, you are in prison. Stop whining. If you behave then I won't through you off the volcano temple when it finishes. Deal?

Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated overseer.

[hiroshi42]

To Ina Giruscobar, Law-giver of Behal Honu "The Kingdoms of Blunting".
Sir, I am writing you to clarify the circumstances surrounding your emissary's recent visit.  After finishing a most pleasant conversation your diplomat Atthem Usugiki began to depart with haste to your court.  As she approached the main gates a posse of goblins made themselves known and we barred the entryway to give the fortress guard time to prepare.  Seeking to return to you as quickly as possible your vassal decided to explore other avenues of escape.  Discarding the caverns as too risky (and in one case slightly too on fire) and for some reason eschewing the dedicated and protected caravan route Madam Atthem hit upon the idea of using the zombie temple far beneath the surface.  Fortunatly we have taken care most of the visable demons who poured out of the breach however we are certain that more remain.  As such we have yet to disassemble the traps that aided us in our recent conquest and it is into one of those traps that Madam Atthem blundered.  Our medical staff tells me that the sudden shock of being trapped in a relatively small dark space, combined with the sounds of denizens screaming in similar conditions was too much for her psyche and she was driven to madness.  By the time a rescue party could be sent Madam Atthem was thrashing about and babbling.  It is our opinion that she is incapable of making the arduous journey to your court and we shall keep her here until you can arrange an escort.

In the future it would be beneficial for you to impress upon your subjects that they are to use the clearly marked exits, and that the deepest pits are unlikely to return them safely to you.
Should you wish to seek punitive damages I would like to ask one question: Elves are delicious, are you?


Dear Urist McChampion,
After 6 months in hospital I understand the desire to be up and about, exploring the changes made to the fort.  Your enthusiasm is appreciated but your venue could use some work as we just finished extracting the fool human ambassador from the temple.  Since the bloodstains and zombie pieces did not seem to warn you please note the very large, solid, and most importantly locked door around the entrance.  Should you somehow manage to circumvent the new security measures rest assured that we will retrieve your shattered corpse in a timely manner. 

Dear goblin lashers,
Die in a fire.

[Lolfail0009]

Dear brain,
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.

Can you let me sleep now?

Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[

[Greiger]

Dear brain,
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.

Can you let me sleep now?

Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[

Dear Very tired year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[

No.

-Brain

[WillowLuman]

Dear brain,
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.

Can you let me sleep now?

Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[

[Fallenworldful]

Dear Urist McFarmer:

The seeds are right next to you. Stop telling me you can't find them.

Dear Urist McMacedwarf:

Next time, please use your Artifaect steel mace rather than the hammerer's candy hammer. I don't want three pages of you bashing the goblin on the head and bruising the muscle.

Dear Urist McLegendary + 5 Axedwarf:

I told you to stay in the barracks! Now all those goblins I was preparing to use for training are all dead! 

[Larix]

to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty

Dear Overseer,

what's a dwarf to do who never got 'prenticed in a proper job? Whenever you calls me up to bash some troggos, everyone says 'well done, Urist', 'show 'em what we're made of' and the like. But in peacetime, everyone calls me a peasant and treats me as'n if I weren't worth spitting on. Of _course_ I don't like being relieved from duty and becoming a piece of despicable scum. Give me some profession to call meself by, and I'll be happy both in war and peace. Even if it's just the ability to crank a handle.

Sincerely, Urist McHero_in_Wartimes, McBum_in_Peace
 
(let the dwarf make rock blocks until s/he is a novice mason, or make them pump air for a few weeks)

Dear Urist McHaulers,

I wonder how you managed to path like that, but i'm sort of impressed - in spite of large swathes of the frozen lake being painted 'restricted', you still found a path to that stupid chert boulder that went over the surface and several dozen steps of ice instead of through the tunnels. No-one came to harm, but it _was_ late spring and you were making me nervous. The underground paths have been shortened and the restricted block has been expanded massively. Thank you for notifying me, i guess.

Dear Urist McOutpostLiaison and Caravan,

why do you even bother? No-one can access the trade depot, it's on an elevated platform you'd need to fly to enter (removed the ramp used for builder access), which horses and camels and ordinary dwarfs can't. But still, you come every year and whine like a moody child when we don't, just for the looks of it, order a bin of wolverine leather we won't ever buy. We really hope our outpost is just somewhere you're passing through, because if you'd be going out of your way just to not trade with us, that'd be a deplorable waste of your time and fodder.

[Ironlion]

To All Military Personnel: 

1) Entering the danger room without wearing the proper protective gear WILL result in your untimely death.   Civilians and pets are not permitted in the facility.   

2) If you insist on bringing Fluffy into training with you, have the decency to remove the corpse before it starts to stink.

3) Crossbow users:  it wouldn't kill you to get in some more range time.   

4) The next person who doesn't throw away uneaten food in the barracks will be scheduled for unarmored danger room training followed by a patrol underneath the magma forge. 

5) When the werewolf shows up on the map, just run.  It may be heroic to try and slay it with your wooden crossbow or whack it with your fishing pole, but all your heroics will accomplish is an honorable funeral.  If we can identify the body. 

That is all. 

Signed,

-Fortress Overseer

Attn Broker:

After reviewing the recent incident, I have announcing a change in company policy.  Henceforth, all trips to personal quarters, dining rooms, galleys, dormitories, kitchens, and storage areas containing food and/or beverage are hereby forbidden to brokers while caravans are present on the map until all trading duties have been completed.   Furthermore, personal time, breaks and non-brokerage tasks are now forbidden under these conditions as well.   

I hope adherence to this new rule will help ensure that the business from this past Autumn will not be repeated.

-Fortress Overseer

To all mothers:

It is most unfortunate, but a review of the recent spate of child fatalities has concluded that in all cases these events were due to gross negligence or downright recklessness on the part of the mothers of the children in question. 

When has it ever been a good idea to take a child hunting or fishing or woodcutting?  This also can be said to apply to wandering around in the cavern searching for cave spider silk.   

I would also ask all mothers with hauling tasks on their duty schedules to please refrain from taking your children into the danger room with you.   

While the management of this fortress is not responsible for the recent deaths, grief counselling and bereavement support have been established in the offices on level 3, adjacent to the volcano cone.  Please pay no attention to the mysterious  sealed hatchway in the cieling.   

Thank you,

-Fortress Overseer
Attn All Miners:

The death of Urist Macdigger after unfortunately falling down the vertical shaft that he was digging out has brought to light some startling indications of safety procedures and best mining practices being ignored.  When concurrent areas on multiple levels are being channeled, it is of the utmost importance that all sections of the highest point be completed before attempting to channel sections located below them.   Failure to follow this policy leads to significant risk of cave-ins and associated loss of pickaxes expensive equiplent lives.   

Please review the fortress policies RE: safety procedures before attempting a mining task in the future. 

Sincerely,

-Fortress Overseer.

[Zealord]

Dear Urist McExtremelySuccesfulAdventurerOver2MonthsInGameTime

You have been encased in ice.

Regards,

Dwarf Fortress