Hello guys...
As you might know or not know, life hasn't been much easy on me, but that's the same for everyone. In fact as a matter of fact life has been quite nice to me in the last couple years. Right on the darkest moment, on the verge of homelessness and hopelessness, found a life saving job that has been not only quite nice economically, but also mentally. I won't become rich from it, but is a small fortune relatively speaking in a country where minimum wage is $4 per month. It feed us well, clothe us and puts a roof on our heads, plus gives pete a good education. Is stressful at times, as any job but nothing that a bit of effort can't solve. So the job is good, its what I'm trying to say.
My wife and I never argue, over 8 years of marriage we have fought seriously exactly only once, and had exactly one lesser argument. She's not the most affections person in the world, and I know this, but I also know she express her care and love in a different way, not with words, hugs of physically in general. That's just the way she was raised and her 3 brothers and 1 sister are all exactly the same. All apparently good in that front too.
Our kid is a smart, handsome, joyful and energetic kid, healthy as a horse, just passed to 1st grade from kinder-garden and got into a pretty good private school along with some of his buddies. He's just a happy, nice, healthy kid, all good there too.
I'm living, like, basically most people dreams. At the very least my own darn dreams from like 3 o 5 years ago for certain, when we were starving, I had to ration my food for them to eat and had to do a lot of weird jobs were I was even threaten for crap my bosses made and in general was going into an early grave.
Yet, I should be happy, and I am at certain degree, but I just keep thinking on how my family would be better without me. At the worst cases if I'm completely gone or at least just living by my own somewhere else. Cant' stop thinking my wife could definitively find someone better than me in all aspects, my kid can have a better fatherly figure in his life, and basically everyone would be just happier if I weren't in the picture.
Don't get me wrong, I know they love me, specially my kid, but I know they will definitively be better without me. Maybe, I could just leave and keep supporting them from the distance without interfering in their lives until they find someone else better than me, which shouldn't be hard at all to be honest, and then I could simply drop everything and let that dark maw swallow me whole.
My mother in law and my sister in law are with us too, after my father in law died they too had a good darn time and as soon we got into a better position we started helping others, and they were first in the line. My sister in law just started high-school in a good place too. We have helped as many people as possible. But many things are beyond our means to help.
Overall, I think my discomfort is from past mistakes, what I should have done and that I'm simply not good enough, have never been and never will. I've spoken most of this and how I fell with my wife and she assures me things are good, that I should not feel this way and while things will never be the same, things are okay. I don't buy it.
Being honest the worst have passed my head and that just illustrates my point on people being better without me to start. Don't worry however, my rational side just knows that this is not an acceptable answer and it would not solve anything. If anything, I'm more worthy alive than dead, as long I have a job at least. This also makes me think that I'm 36 now and basically have only 4 years more of work worth. Once you are 40 who's gonna give you a job?
Does anyone feels like this? Like an impostor? Unworthy of any measure of success?