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PULL THE LEVER? [Y/N]

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Author Topic: FailCannon: No Rest for the Wicked (or anyone else) (Succession: Battlefailed 2)  (Read 885165 times)

Scaraban

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1275 on: July 11, 2011, 04:44:19 pm »

If I was ever actually dwarfed,(I really can't recall) I should be fighting with an adamantine pick.
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LordSlowpoke

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1276 on: July 11, 2011, 05:07:15 pm »

I can't be bothered to check whenever my dorf's adult already, but if she is, bismuth bronze hammer. As always.
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Eric Blank

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1277 on: July 11, 2011, 05:27:42 pm »

I see some poor stupid woman has finally received my name.

I would prefer a steel axe, if any happen to be lying around. Next best I think is iron...
Ensure that you make enough shields for the populace and strip those goblins! Sparring!

Nice to see this game can finally grind forward like an old sherman tank would if left out under the open sky for the last 60 to 70 years.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2011, 05:29:52 pm by Eric Blank »
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I make Spellcrafts!
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

rridgway

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1278 on: July 11, 2011, 06:45:35 pm »

I've been dwarfed, haven't I? If not, dwarf me, if you can.
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ThatAussieGuy

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1279 on: July 11, 2011, 09:27:47 pm »

If i haven't been dorfed yet, Can i be made a Miner with the title "Captain Cave-in"?

If I'm gonna be a militiadorf, can you give me a war hammer, and a crossbow with the profession of Mechanic (even though he's a militiadorf) and name me "That Aussie Dwarf" (or ThatAussie if there's a char limit) with the title "The Troubleshooter"
« Last Edit: July 13, 2011, 02:25:15 am by ThatAussieGuy »
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Sinpwn

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1280 on: July 11, 2011, 09:30:20 pm »

I'd like any foreign weapon, if not, a spear.
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CatalystParadox

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1281 on: July 12, 2011, 08:32:23 pm »

I don't believe I am there yet, but a I would prefer a steel (or adamantine if you have it) sword if anything.
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My proud turn in Failcannon | Uzolnom - "Oiledgod"

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I opened up the Unread Replies page and saw that you were the last poster. I got scared. Something about you posting scares me, ever since Failcannon.

SethCreiyd

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1282 on: July 13, 2011, 02:31:52 am »

Okay, everyone should have what they wanted, including the equipment requests in the dwarfing list.  Adamantine stuff may take a little while to produce, but there's other stuff in the meantime.  LordSlowpoke is still only six years old, and yet is a Proficient Grower.



The child god Thoth lay deep in thought, back against the tree with a conjured cloak wrapped around him to block out the cold.  Though no normal earthly element could give any deity pause, a deep and evil wind now coursed through all realities, and even this secret place could not avoid them.  Enshrouded in the mist before him floated the great Seeing Eye, an item Thoth had none-too-gently coerced into a wider, more blood-shot gaze some time ago.  It had seemed to him that one shouldn't be able to see wider than infinitely into infinity, but that was before he did so.

He couldn't forget what he saw, but was nonetheless able to sew the eyelids together using a few conjured strands of metal with his own eyes shut, through divine sense of sound.  Still, the visions plagued his memory, spreading throughout like hatching brood of mnemonic spiders.  His paranoia hit a breakthrough by the sudden telltale pulse of a wormhole invading his world, but a radiating calmness hit him almost as quickly.  The Goddess Kigok Pokercook had come to visit, and she hurried into a briefing.

The worlds are falling closer together," she said, crossing the grass toward him.  "The Shadow is everywhere.  "Few worlds remain where the nighttime is not theirs.  Ura still holds command of the Sanctum."

"I know."  Thoth stared dully at the ground.  "Soon gods will position for whatever scraps of power Ura will allow and we'll all be bartering with mortals, if we survive."

Kigok regarded the godling.  "You're growing up fast," she said.

"Fast enough to know when I'm being patronized." Thoth glared at the mystical eyeball he'd inherited.  "That's why you gave me this crummy job, isn't it?  Stare at the mortals, Thoth, and never lift a finger to help!  Well, I know more than you think, and I think more than I used to."

Kigok looked off at a tree in the distance.  "You are doing your job exactly as expected.  I'm aware that you assassinated that mortal several years ago."  Thoth betrayed his surprise, but Kigok was smiling.  "The Watcher of Worlds is expected to break the Rules every now and again," she whispered.  "This is why we allowed Lur's treachery for as long as we did.  You need to know exactly what to do and when to do it."

Thoth gave a hard look at the eyeball, then back at Kigok.  "Do you know what happens when Failcannon crumbles?"  The godling waved his hands in an arc.  "Nothing.  There will be nothing left.  We may all vanish."

"But here we still are."  The goddess looked around.  "There is still hope."

"Not for long."  Thoth sullenly returned his gaze to the ground.  "Lur is about to be roasted alive by an elf.  If he dies before reaching Failcannon, we're finished."

"Lur Thiefwitch is about to arrive right on time," Kigok said.  "You should pay closer attention to things going on!"

"What?"  Thoth reached for the eyeball, but found it already floating up to his face.  "You mean the Sorcerer's gambit?  That will never work, the ritual is a dud."

"See for yourself," Kigok winked before disappearing in a rainbow cloud of flowers and butterflies.  Her voiced lingered on.  "The rules are always changing."

Into the mist of time and space the Watcher peered...


"The moon will be reaching its apex in thirty seconds!" Glacial yelled from beyond the small room in which Andreus was waiting.   Fixed on the floor was a thick, shining chain engraved with a series of shifting runes.  A few specks of blood and other less identifiable substances were spattered across the floor.

"This is it," the Magister rubbed his hands together.  "This is the last idea I've got, and if it doesn't work I intend to just finish the weapon and call it a lifetime."

"I wanted to ask you about that!" Glacial called out.  "There's what, fifty reactors down there, how the hell are they supposed-"

"Not now!" Andreus shouted back.  "Time to apex?"

A moment, then:  "Eleven seconds!"

"On my mark!"  Andreus cried.  "Five... four..."

Glacial threw the lever at Andreus' command.  The entire room lit up with a golden glow that nearly blinded the Magister, who fell to his back, feeling sick.  Resisting the urge to vomit, he peered up into the fading glow and saw a naked old dwarf now shackled to the glistening chain.

"Lur?" he ventured.  "Lur Thiefwitch?"

There was no response from the dwarf, who looked unconscious.  Andreus approached and reached for a flask of sunshine at his side poured it into the dwarf's mouth.  Glacial entered the room and peered back and forth between them.  "Did it work?" he said.

The dwarf opened his eyes.  "Where am I?" he rasped.


"Lur, is that you?"  Andreus stepped back.

The dwarf looked at them, nodding slightly.  "Who are you?" he asked.  He scanned the room.  "Where am I?  Where is the elf?"

"There is no elf," Andreus said.  "You are in Failcannon.  We've called you here because--"

"Failcannon!"  the dwarf looked amazed.  "Quickly, miss.  You must bring me to Andreus!  Or whatever he calls himself now!"

"This is Andreus!" Glacial beamed proudly, pointing at his mentor.  The Magister's smile froze into pace.

Lur looked confused.  "No, Andreus is..." Lur stared ahead, realization taking form on his features.

"Hello, Lur."

"You!" Lur cried suddenly.  "This is all your fault!"

"My fault!"  Andreus crossed his arms.  "How can any of this be my fault?"

"You've been displacing souls, you lunatic!"  Lur rolled to the floor, still enchained, and started inching across the floor toward the Magister.

"The chain appears to have bound your power," Andreus contemplated, "since you haven't pulled the worm-on-a-hook trick yet."

"I don't have any power to begin with, dolt!  And it's your fault!  So let me out of these chains so I can strangle you with them."

"You have no powers?"  Andreus rubbed his chin.  "How did this come to be?"  Glacial rolled Lur onto his back and started unfastening the chains.  "What are you doing?" he asked his apprentice.

"You can't treat a God like this," Glacial said.  "Sorry, sir."

"Atta boy, lad!"  Lur grinned malevolently at Andreus.  "I'm sorry about having to kill your friend here and all."

"Wait a minute!" Andreus held up a hand.  "Can't killing me wait?  We're facing a problem of some magnitude here.  I need information, and you need some booze, if I'm right."

Lur stood up and let the chains clatter to the floor.  "All right then, lets have a few words.  Just words for now.  And more of that flask, if you will."

Andreus tossed him the sunshine and called out to Glacial, "Bring clothes!"  The Magister stepped across the room to a table and lifted a stack of notes

"Not like it all matters."  Lur emptied the flask into his throat and threw it to the floor.  "I kill you, you get some other body and we're all doomed anyway."

"About that.  I've heard the astral talk," hissed Andreus.  "I refuse to accept that the body-switching technique I've used for thousands of years has suddenly inspired the death of reality.  What's really going on?  Why are you here?  Why are you... wrinkled?"

Lur sighed.  He was mortal now.  Unbound by any cosmic law, he was free to share what he knew, and he knew he needed the Sorcerer's help.

"Do you remember the book you had found, the first time you died?  Yes, of course you do.  Taught you some new tricks, eh?  Well, it brought Death into the realm of mortals.  Some of the gods wanted your soul destroyed.  Others vowed to protect you, saying you were innocent.  It was quite a scene.  You were sent back before the argument swelled, and so Ura's secrets spilled into the world, and that meant the world was hers to roam, unbound by the edicts of non-interference.  But it didn't stop there, with one world.  There were so many worlds, Sorcerer, so many you carried the secret into, that Ura's domain grew too vast.  And in every world, she conspired with the forces of the Shadow to stretch her reach even further."

Lur sighed.  "But then you came to Battlefailed with that ill-fated court servant, because you had been here before, was that it?  This is where you landed in Aluonra, and the local undeath fascinated you so.  But this is the place where Death entered into this world, and she has closed shut her gates.  Every dwarf that dies here - or is displaced by magic - their soul is at the mercy of the shadows all around.  And Ura gets stronger.  The Queen Led worships her, you know.  Why do you think she is sending dwarves here?  Why do you think Fetus Smashing Day exists?  The Philosophers were coming close to the truth, so she had them executed.  She is feeding her Goddess and building an army.

"There are now creatures of the night invading nearly every world, and judging by the look of the sky, the displaced souls will soon run out of places to go. Ghosts will wander the world and corpses will soon start to walk.  And soon Aluonra blinks out of existence.  So there you have it.  By allowing you back to life I thought to prevent civil war, but it seems to have only delayed it.  When the gods go to battle, this will be the first place destroyed.  There will be no new bodies to jump to, not dwarf, human or beast.  And since I'm a mortal now, we can get to the dying together."

Andreus broke the silence that followed after a minute.  "What can we do to prevent this?  The world's existed too long to stop now."

"I can't remember."

The Magister frowned.  "You can't remember what?"

"I know I had to reach Failcannon," Lur frowned.  "But for what reason..."

Andreus looked up at the ceiling.  "Have you seen the stars lately?" he asked.

"The stars are just faraway worlds," Lur said.  "They're so far away that we only see what they looked like a long time ago.  If the stars are going out, it means something is standing in their way."

Andreus looked puzzled.  "Something is blocking the stars from the sky?"

"You don't want to know what."

There was a rumbling in the room next to them.  "Do you hear something?" Andreus asked.


The door to the room burst open and a towering two-legged lizard stomped inside, immediately grabbed Andreus, and savaged him mercilessly.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

When the beast had finished beating the Sorcerer's lifeless body, it turned its predatory gaze on Lur.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Its bloodlust somewhat satiated, the beast let out a trimphant roar and stamped its clawed and rotting feet upon its victims corpses.  Outside the house, the dwarves of Failcannon casually locked the doors and went about their business.

*     *     *

Journal of 'Seth' Evonoltar, Overseer of Failcannon

Granite 6


It's seems the previous three applicants have turned down the job of running this place, and I can't say I blame them, now that I've got here.  Between the smell of the stinking sea and the aroma of rotting flesh permeating the first two floors I almost vomited on the way inside.  As I passed through the gate, I wondered how any defensive walls like ours were actually still standing, and my first act as Overseer was to expand on them.


A job's a job and it's my job to clean this place up and provide managerial know-how to our work force.  It'll be an effort, but there are many able dwarves and vast hordes of resources to use.  I've heard it's easy to die here at Failcannon, but we certainly won't ever starve to death, and the booze is plentiful.


The easy to die part would nonetheless seem to ring true, given the number of coffins in our burial chamber. chambers.  One can even ask the dead themselves how easy it is, I know I did.


They're a pretty personable bunch, really, but they don't seem to realize they're dead.  We'll have to get around to memorializing them one of these days.

Anyway, my tour of the fort's local landmarks was brief and guided by a surly looking fellow named breadbocks, who first showed me the Dwarven Effigy of the Cat Piss Ocean:


The Children's Petting Zoo:


The Local Prison:


The Cove of Disease and its poison-covered trees:


And of course, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.


By the time we reached the Laboratory I was ready to call it a day.  Whatever it means by contaminants, it gives me chills.



I made it to my quarters feeling accomplished with the decision to accept this assignment.  I don't think it will be easy falling asleep here, but I figure there's no need to rush anything.



Granite 16


Our Mayor Dariush was badly injured during a construction accident on the new wall structure.  I feel pretty guilty about that, but he really shouldn't have tried building a floor off a bridge.

I've had the strangest feeling of dread all day long. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)


Slate 2


Diplomat?  There was a Diplomat here?  I'm sorry, I was too busy starting at the


That's odd.  I seem to have blacked out there for a moment.  I'm just so happy right now.  Adamantine's the best.


Slate 20

Migrants have arrived, not a moment too soon.  Productivity is severely lacking since one of the previous Overseers came up with a completely harebrained employment scheme I only recently noticed now that we need strand extractors.  I've been spending my days re-assigning jobs to workers capable of doing them.


Some goblin meathead tried to kidnap a baby, so the marksdwarves shot it to the floor.  The goblin, not the baby.  In this fort one has to specify.


The goblin was right in the middle of our fort, amidst a stockpile of food so massive it would take all of us six years to move anywhere.  I wasn't kidding when I said we had food.  I'm suspending our farming operations to spare up the dwarfpower we need to renovate.  There are a lot of new novice masons running 'round Failcannon these days.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, how exactly did that goblin get so far into our fort undetected?  Come on guys.  I know that no one's a seasoned soldier except for Tupu, but *somebody* should have noticed the creepy little green thing with the furry sack was out of place.  And I'm trusting my life to these people!

Anyway, the new Captain of the Guard chopped the goblin in half and celebrated by adopting a kitten that somehow hadn't been slaughtered beforehand.  Allowing this to take place should be labelled a crime.


Browsing the death records today.  Our entire population has been completely replaced so often this entire place is essentially one great mortuary.


Slate 28

Several weeks ago when we drafted all able adults into the town militia, there were some calls of concern, but the benefits of arming the population pay dividends.


A recent thief was dispatched by a meek farmer with minimal cost of time or attention, and the farmer feels just thrilled with himself.


Felsite 1


A child has taken control of a craftshop I was planning to engrave slabs with.  I hope the little blighter goes crazy, myself, but I've grudgingly told the dwarves to cut some gems for him since that will probably get him out of the way quicker.  It was today I learned we have exactly one skilled jeweler in the entire fort, who'd been made a miner despite having no skill next to our five legendary miners.  Alternatively. there are six farmers walking around claiming to be jewelers.  Every day it's some new marvel to behold.


Felsite 2


Damn it all.  I wish we had some kitten rot to spare.


Felsite 3


Ah for the love of Lur

We're under attack by goblins.  Tupu and boozedwarf tell me there's nothing to worry about.  Easy to say when you're carrying the good weapons.  I need to get my hands on one of those maces the guards are running around with.

I have some concern for a miner who is trapped outside our closed gate.  I have no idea why he chose to drink from a barrel that was inexplicably left outside on the beach, but now he's got to pay for that foolishness.


Fortunately for Iggy, most of the goblins were more interested in rushing our heavily trapped trade entrance than in crushing a hapless drunk.


Still, goblins are goblins and you can't expect every single goblin to just follow orders and stick with the pack, so a couple of them inevitably wandered over to go say hello.  Well, Iggy didn't like being interrupted one bit, and he gave them a piece of his mind.


The second hadn't gotten the hint after Iggy had disemboweled the first, so he went and taught that one some manners too.


I was up in the Third Hand's tower trying to get a better view when I noticed Iggy wasn't the only one out there.  I then noticed that there are indeed some drawbacks to arming the general population.


Poor dwarves never stood a chance.


I tried to mobilize the marksdwarf squad, only to learn that there are no bolts in the entire fort.  No bolts, despite literal tons of silver at our disposal as we wade ankle deep in the bones of a thousand creatures.  Well, I found a couple of workshops that were literally nothing but a pile of bones and ashes in the courtyard and ordered our bolt makers to work for a damn living.



Felsite 8

Goblins been out there almost a week.  Bolts taking too god damn long.


Felsite 16


Today LAAT found a kobold thief in the equipment room.  The kobold won't be walking away from here with any treasure.  Or anywhere, with anything.


Goblins are still outside.  Bolts aren't ready yet.  A cat gave birth two days ago and the kittens were promptly turned into scraps of leather.


Felsite 19


LAAT has been torturing the kobold for three days.  We now consider him a Skilled Wrestler.  Goblins are still out there.  Bolts still aren't ready.


Felsite 20


A mason who'd been drafted into the militia thought that "Picking up equipment" somehow entailed marching straight through the trade entrance into the waiting mass of goblins there.  The bridge has been raised, since most of our unwelcome visitors have already passed beyond it and I'm trying to assuage any further suicides, like the one Glacial was about to commit before a kobold sneak interrupted him.


The bolts still aren't finished.  What the blazes is taking so long?



Felsite 21

I've had enough of these goblins.  They aren't advancing through the trapped corridor any longer, so I decided to pull the Stock Market Crash lever and send them all careening to their doom.


Two pillars collapsed.  Two pillars.  Absolutely no goblins were injured.  It's nice to know we have to connect all those pillars to the lever, now that we could have used them.  Since our last secret weapon has proved an utter failure, we now have to rely on our military might.


Wow, I'll be praying for this bunch.  At least Tupu knows what he's doing.  That hammer of his could knock a mountain aside.


The soldiers gathered at one end of the trade corridor, staring down the goblins at the far side. 


They exchanged sneers, then, as Tupu raised his hammer, the dwarves charged forth.  The goblins seemed unsure about moving amidst the cage traps and held their ground against the attack.


I couldn't see the battle in those halls, and I know only what I heard.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I know that at the end of the day there were twenty-six cheering dwarves and a hundred sniveling goblins in cages, all coated in the blood of their fellows.  All in all, a good day.

No elves came to trade on account of our goblin problem.  The year is off to a fantastic start!


Hematite 1


These ghosts are getting problematic.  I'd like to do something about it, but we have our hands full at the moment.


I considered two pressing issues: on one hand, a multitude of goblin prisoners, and a great deal of bones and body parts that for whatever reason, these dwarves will not use for any craft.  Now, no self-respecting dwarf would butcher and carve up a sentient being, say, a goblin, just to work with its bones.  However, if some sort of natural force - say a long fall - were to result in said goblin exploding apart, well, they would take no real issue with that.

I am happy to announce having killed two birds with one stone, by killing many goblins with a series of shovings.  The Third Hand's Tower was recently finished for this purpose.  We stopped adding full walls at the eighth story and settled for silver floors held up by golden supports, which go up for nine more stories.  The goblin bone helmets and bolts and blocks in our future will aid us for generations.

We're speed-butchering goblins at a rate of about ten per day.  Dwarves with a weak stomach are advised to stay clear of the area and its impending miasma.  There are so many fragments of bodies I tried to tell the workers not to worry about cleaning them, but this is apparently already the standing order.


Makes sense, after all, you can only encounter so much filth before giving up on confronting it.

*     *     *

Meanwhile, Andreus the Ageless Wizard acquires a new form.

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ThatAussieGuy

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1283 on: July 13, 2011, 02:43:43 am »

Only in this Armok-forsaken place would we get an FB that's a living blob of vomit that shoots webs.  I really pity whoever has to go kill that thing.

LordSlowpoke

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1284 on: July 13, 2011, 04:39:24 am »

Only in this Armok-forsaken place we would get an FB running in from literally nowhere, then killing two dwarves, with the others locking the double doors and calling it a day. One of said dwarves dosen't mind and puts himself in another body, too. Highly improbable.
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ThatAussieGuy

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1285 on: July 13, 2011, 05:16:30 am »

Only in this Armok-forsaken place we would get an FB running in from literally nowhere, then killing two dwarves, with the others locking the double doors and calling it a day. One of said dwarves dosen't mind and puts himself in another body, too. Highly improbable.

They're all probably so far beyond "Doesn't really care about anything anymore" that if you slaughtered them all to a single dwarf, the last one would be more annoyed about the sudden lack of food and weapons being made than the deaths of his friends and family.

Dariush

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1286 on: July 14, 2011, 07:37:32 am »

The Axe Murderer, The PAINBRINGER, The Soap Maker, The Dancing Dagger. Spot the odd one out.

ThatAussieGuy

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1287 on: July 14, 2011, 07:38:43 am »

The Axe Murderer, The PAINBRINGER, The Soap Maker, The Dancing Dagger. Spot the odd one out.

The Dancing Dagger, obviously.  It's an item while the others are jobs

Teneb

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1288 on: July 14, 2011, 01:00:44 pm »

The Soap Maker
Beware his deadly soap!
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Monstrous Manual: D&D in DF
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What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

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Re: FailCannon: Super Happy Fun Beach (Succession: Battlefailed II)
« Reply #1289 on: July 15, 2011, 11:56:34 am »

Glacial entered the Sanctum of Andreus with a gargantuan, waterlogged book in his arms, and regarded his master carefully, studying the mannerisms, making sure it was him.  "I see you've changed again," Glacial said.  "When I returned to the house it was locked, the Cheese Maker said he heard Elk Birds in there.  What happened?"

"The usual," Andreus shrugged.  He was holding a stick of chalk before a slate wall covered in mathematical sigils.  Glacial set the enormous book down on a stone table with a thud and looked over at the defaced wall.  "Vicious bipedal lizard hidden away in the house, probably by its former psychotic occupant.  But there is still time to save the God of Jealousy." Andreus marched to the soggy book and threw it open, rifled through the clumped-together pages.

"I had to look everywhere for it," Glacial said.  "Lucus' tomb is a mess.  What did you need from it?"

"There was a period when Lucus began talking of communion with the gods," Andreus said, scanning the open page with a fingertip.  "Some considered him a prophet.  At the time I wagged it off as nonsense, but now..."  He found a line, squinted at it.

"What is it?" Glacial asked.  He felt unnerved, as he always did when one of them had a new body.  The change was a thing to get used to.

Andreus looked up at his apprentice.  "Well."

"Well what?"

"What he describes... the things he writes of strike a familiar vein."  The magister turned to the book and read aloud.  "Fell sorceries, very dark.  But here: 'You have seen before you what the future holds...  Pave the way for one who can fix the Seal.'"

"What's that exactly mean?"

"I'm not sure.  But I have a few ideas."  Andreus returned to the slate wall.  "I need Thiefwitch back here, body or no!  I need more answers.  We'd barely time to speak ere the Gods thought to mock us once again."

"Can't you bring him back?"

"I'm not sure.  I do expect his spirit to linger.  With care I can prevent the shade from wandering anywhere, but it's proving tricky."

"Why tricky?"  Glacial tried to decipher the cryptic symbols on the wall.  "You've brought me back what, three times now?  And half this place once before."

"It's different now.  Something's missing."  The Magister resumed chalking the wall, pausing to rub his beard.  "I can detect the spirit's presence, not the location."

"Maybe you should die again and go look for him," Glacial suggested.  Andreus stared at him.

*     *     *

Journal of 'Seth' Evonoltar, Overseer of Failcannon, excerpts

Malachite 1


Some migrants with a death wish have arrived.  They were conscripted as masons and metalsmiths and handed our crummiest weapons, of which we are increasing our supply.  I want everyone over twelve years of age to be armed by Dwarfmas.


We're also making silver spikes to install in various deathtraps in strategic locations throughout the fort.  If I had my way they'd be magma-heated mixed with lead and sprinkled with lye.  Sounds nice, but too time consuming.  Perhaps if there's time later I'll soak them in the lake of disease I keep hearing about.


Malachite 3

Brushing through the records of old Battlefailed, I came across the design for a weapon that the designer never lived to see function.  If we are to properly represent the legacy we've inherited, it is essential we have some similar device.

In the lower levels of the fortress there is the framework for a massive power reactor, whose purpose I presume was to pump large amounts of liquid to the surface, possibly magma or the fetid stagnant ocean beneath us.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to find the original engineer, who has completely disappeared.  I'm told that this happens to dwarves here occasionally, they go off and are simply never heard from again.  That's just the type of place this is.


I tell you, whenever I have to walk around by myself, I keep a spare hand on the axe.

Anyway, the reactor is an important part of the greater defense structure, but for now I've been guiding our efforts toward the establishment of immediate perimeter defense.  All the power we need will be given to us by the winds and the sea.  Unfortunately again, there's been a slight hitch in the plan.


Living on a beach affords us little access to wood, and the trees we do have are hidden in caves which I'm told no dwarf should ever unearth.  Naturally I disregarded such nonsense and told the miners to carve a new path to the caves.  We need logs more than we need fear, I say.  I made sure the metalsmiths set up a defensive gate to seal shut in case something goes wrong.


I'm well aware I ordered thirty wooden shields to be made but two days ago.  Let's not point fingers here.


Malachite 7


Gods help me, they were right!  Little Cappstv III ran into my office screaming about a massive eyeless bird that suddenly appeared in the new Hall of Masonry.  I really need to stick a cage trap outside that door so I can avoid these kinds of interruptions.

Investigation revealed the terrified workers holding the creature at bay with whatever they could grab.


A little harsh encourgement and they suddenly remembered they were armed, and rushed forward to cut the bird right out of flight.


They kept its thrashing body busy until the proper military arrived to finish it off.


Never ones for waste, the butchers were summoned straight away.  No sense letting so much good poultry spoil.



9th Malachite


Little McArthur has not gone insane as hoped expected feared but has instead produced a glistening coal necklace I can't wait to try on.


The amulet depicts one of the last dwarven kings to rule the throne before the humans assumed power.  Those were better days, the historians say.  I can't say I know too much about Queen Led, having spent so much of her reign in faraway lands, but I know her name came up several times in the logs of the former Overseers.  It's no wonder the place is in such disarray when you have such paranoid nuts running things.  Honestly, as though the Queen has nothing better to do than exterminate all the dwarves.  How ridiculous.


12th Malachite

The late and great LordSlowpoke's adopted daughter, LordSlowpoke, is an insufferable menace.


A plague on the little witch.  I must now ensure every adult is busy and unable to join in this waste of construction time.

I went to the tyke's house to tell her off, but found the doors had been barred.  A few dwarves tell me they heard noises within and sealed off the place to be safe.  I'll have to send a team in to find out what happened once this militia is less pathetic.  I could probably send in Tupu by himself, but he's busy protecting the masons from skeletal horses while the new walls are built.  There are not enough dwarves, nor hours in the day for all we need done.



Welcome to Failcannon, and the wonderful world of Masonry!


Except you.  Uristein's been looking for an assistant, and you're perfect.


14th Malachite

Wretched migrants and their cats.


I need to find some way to eliminate them.  The cats, I mean, not the migrants.  That would be silly.


16th Malachite

I have convinced the bone carvers that it's okay to use goblin bones since the goblins died of natural causes.


What?  Falling is a perfectly natural phenomenon.


18th Malachite

I awoke this morning to a problem.


You see, the woodcutters were taking their sweet long time with the wood cutting down in the lower caverns, so we weren't able to close the gate quick enough to keep out said problem.  The dwarf who first spotted the problem was an axedwarf and very soon we had what would turn out to be poisonous blood all over the floor.


The axedwarf is no longer with us, but I'm sure she'd be gratified to know that the last thing she did before dying was expose all her comrades to horrible illness.


Rest in peace, Erika Koloshur.


The monster was brought down by the next soldier to try taking it, a mere Recruit by the name of Thatdude.  He fights with only a shield due to a missing hand, and this turned out to be for the best, as he was minimally exposed to the blood.


Despite his bravery, he was ordered to stay in the area until we were sure what the symptoms were.  Everyone knows that a beast with white blood could be poisonous, it's just a matter of what kind of poison.  Given the vast unholy ocean we have sitting beneath us it could be anything.  Engravers were sent to clean the area and masons are heading over to replace any contaminated ramps.



19th Malachite

The contaminated area is mostly cleaned and a marksdwarf will be stationed at the cave entrance for as long as the gate remains open.  Which is not very longer, I hope.


Sadly, Thatdude is now walking at 1/5th the normal speed for a dwarf and claims to be unable to feel anything.  A poor fate for a hero indeed.  Still, he's faring better than poor Iggy.  Now, when I first came to Failcannon, half the population were walking around in tattered rags, the other half got along on the nude.  Part of my reason for ordering everyone into the militia was that I could mandate the wearing of proper, functional attire.  Besides being tasteful, clothes provide protection from the elements, elements that sometimes include deadly poisons.


Miners and woodcutters, for whatever reason, do not feel obliged to wear their mandated attire unless they are called into active military service, in which case, they will not perform their civilian tasks.


This lingering absurdity of dwarven custom is the reason Iggy had to die.  If he'd been wearing boots or even socks, the insidious venom could not have crept through his body like a devouring tide of army ants.  Let it be known he died in performance of his duty, carving away a tainted ramp so that no one else would be poisoned by it.

By some miracle, none of the children were injured during the brief outbreak.


Malachite 20


While cleaning efforts ensue on the staircase above us, myself and near thirty other dwarves are stationed in a tertiary dining hall located deep in the fortress.  We can't go up the stairs until all traces of poison are gone.  Some of the children here have no shoes, and would surely die if they followed a parent upstairs.


It was just after noon when a dwarf came down the ramp tugging something colossal through the hall.  It was Tale the butcher, sweating from exertion.  We gathered in for a closer look.

"Tale... what is that?"  someone asked.




It was, of course, the poisonous monster's corpse, and soon panic spread and everyone mindlessly fled from the scene.  In confusion, Tale dropped the body and ran away screaming too.  A cat stepped onto the corpse and wasted no time in rotting to death.  It seems I need to speak with the butchers about the meaning of the word "edible."

Again, despite the disaster, no children were hurt.  I say no children because during the panic, a drawbridge was ordered shut and unlucky timing resulted in the death of a soldier.


Rest in peace, MadJax.

Later in the day, I found an engraver named The True Mekboy dying of thirst in his dungeon cell.  Our squallid prison conditions are in dire need of improvement, but it's not my greatest concern; still, I couldn't bear to watch the lad die of thirst in chains like that, so I let him out to have a drink.

Well, turns out I should have spoken to the Fortress Guard about that, because when Xenos found the prisoner outside his cell, he was deeply distressed.


The Guard made sure someone came to take Mekboy to the hospital after stabbing him up a few times, a decision I commend.  I mean, he could've just dragged the Engraver back to his cell, but no, he did the right thing and I'm proud of him.



23rd Malachite

Visited Mekboy in the hospital today, he's doing well.


frozen wouldn't shut up about how he couldn't move.  If he really is paralyzed, then why is he able to bother me so much?  Kids these days, always full of complaints.


24th Malachite


I feel kind of bad now that frozen is dead.

In other news, for a brewer, Elderont cooks up a mean muck root stew.


25th Malachite

Concerns about an outbreak of plague like the one to strike Battlefailed has led to the employment of my latest brainchild.  I called it the Dwarven Diving Board.


Anyone who has been anywhere near the exposed areas has been ordered onto the end of a sturdy silver bridge set between the Cheese Maker's Guild and the base of our new defense system.  I don't envy the dwarves who are to be plunged into those slimy, stinking, jellyfish-infested waters, but telling them it was that or a slow, rot-filled death made for a compelling argument.

I haven't yet tested it out yet.  Here goes!


Eureka!


Huge Success!  They loved it so much, they went right back on for another go, and not just because they were ordered to.


Who am I to forbid them such a good time?  Happy dwarves are productive dwarves!


It's good to see them all laughing and smiling for once.  My research would suggest it is the morale of the populace that most often decides whether or not a fortress succeeds.


At any rate, if this helps the soldiers learn how to swim, all the better.



Galena 10


Tragedy struck on the beach when Moxie was killed using the Dwarven Diving Board.  Instead of the water, he landed on the shale stone on the side of the shore and died quietly.  May she rest in peace.

Use of the Diving Board is now restricted.  I'm told the device is dangerously addictive anyway, since the soldiers were having so much fun they didn't even notice Moxie wasn't okay until hours had passed.



Galena 20

It's been a very quiet month.  Not much to report, the caves are finally shut and the windmills are getting built.  The surface level is slightly cleaner than it used to be.  Constructions getting done.  There's still ghosts popping out at you every now and again, but once you get used to them, they not very frightening.


Galena 12


Deathsword spotted a few goblins approaching from the northwest and charged down a lone thief by the gate.


Nice try, Deathsword.

Down in the southeast canyon, a Speardwarf courageously charged at the bulk of the goblin force all by himself.


Well, you know what happens next.  Rest in peace, hellbored.


Reinforcements arrived too late to save the Speardwarf, but they were able to drive off the goblins without further casualties.  hellbored was awarded the Golden Sock for his actions today.



Galena 21


A cat suddenly found itself outside the gate where a herd of undead horses were waiting.  Heheheh.


Galena 23


Tupu has been making some excellent stuff out of goblin bone.  Is there anything Tupu can't do?


Limestone 2


Humans have come to trade and are expressing great interest in our new Adamantine Trade Depot.  They were informed the metal is not for sale.  Instead, we are sending them home with some of our many barrels of gnomeblight in exchange for valley herbs and precious metals.  They think we're selling them medicine for a plague that hit their village.  I love how gullible humans are.


They brought us some... interesting items.


Like Deer n/a.  Whatever Deer n/a is, we bought ten stacks of it.  I'm gonna feed some to the cats and see what happens.

Seriously, where do they come up this stuff?



Limestone 4


We are under attack by a fearsome foe.  Do not falter, fellows of Failcannon, rest assured I will not waver on my watch.


Limestone 8


Xellas went a bit crazy today, nearly starting a fist fight with one of the kids.  He claims it was the work of a vengeful spirit so I guess it's about time to address the ghost issue.


Ghosts are becoming a big problem in forts nowadays, what with the land morphing and cities vanishing and what have you.  Still, there's a pretty easy way to get them out of your hair: just bury their bodies or design a memorial or them and make sure they see it, and then just ignore them!  Soon they've go on to wherever it is ghosts go when they're bored.


It's much quieter now.  I almost miss those guys.  What were their names again?


Limestone 22


Today Greader produced a magnificent grate I can think of absolutely no use for.  Still, it's exquisite, and I like the kobold he put on there.  It should be installed somewhere public, in such a way that it cannot be stolen.


Sandstone 6


Sandstone 7


When I hear of a good thing to do with our new captive Ettin, we'll do that.



A few Dabbling Metalsmiths have arrived, despite the danger.  I don't know what they thought they were going to do when they got here, but most of them were unskilled buffoons lucky to have us here to give them a home and a job.  They don't get to pick which job, but they certainly have one.

Some of the new arrivals were rightly pleased with the arrangement.


Others are less so, complaining about 'wasted talent' and a number of other things.


Look, if a Carpenter migrates to a place were wood doesn't exist, they should be thankful to get a job at all that doesn't involve falling a great distance.



Whoops, looks like someone forgot to hold that memorial service for MadJax.  He's understandably ticked off, but has been kind enough to keep to himself while we try to remember something about him important enough to engrave on a slab.


12th Timber


Well, here we go again.  More goblins, lots of them from the west.  This'll be fun.  I didn't feel like dragging all the workers inside away from their important outdoor functions, so the soldiers were sent out under protest to meet the attackers on the beach to keep them distracted.


I sat in the Third Hand's Tower as usual to get the best possible view.  I brought a bag of rock nuts along in case I got hungry, and I did.


Mipe is so lucky.  Tough little thing for someone so wiry.


Way to go, boozedorf!  Keep mining that goblinite!


What's the matter with you, CatalystParadox!  Get up!  Fight!


That's it!


Tupu's arrived, hammer in hand!  This will be over soon.


Haha, he tore the goblin's throat out with his teeth.  Classic Tupu!


Nice one, Mipe!  That'll teach 'em!


Great shot, Greader! Wow, I'm so impressed with everyone out there.  I'd be out there fighting with you, but you know... my back...


Well, looks like we can call it a day.


Oh no!  Tupu's been injured!  But he picked up the hammer with his other hand and continues the fight!


Oh no, Tupu!  Get over there and help Tupu, you rejects!


Oh sweet schist, now there's another bunch of archers.  Tupu's holding on but I'm not sure how long he's got.  Thank the Gods we found the adamantine, that helmet's the only thing saving his life!


Soldiers have charged the marksgoblins, and there look to be heavy casualties.  Their leader is a stout pikeman employed in skewering Elth, our apprentice Cheesemaker.


Damn it all, this was going so well before.  I only hope that -


Yes!  That dagger sure knows how to dance!


O, thank the stone, the goblins are routing.  Everyone seems to have survived the battle, even Tupu, who is walking off the battlefield on his own power.  Amazing, but given his injuries, I doubt he'll ever fight or craft again.  A loss, alas.



14th Timber

For lack of anything better to do with it, the Ettin was stowed in the Western Surface Courtyard with a stern warning posted over the lever that releases it.



*     *     *

Scientific Protocol Urist Rigoth Id Sath Tekkud - Six
Experiment #043


Observation:  Dwarves permit themselves to use the limbs of sentient enemies killed and sectioned by high velocity impact.

Hypothesis:  Experiment will determine if Dwarves permit themselves to use the limbs of fellow Dwarves killed and sectioned by high velocity impact.

Procedural Overview:  A lever was created at the base of the Tower situated within the Courtyard above the surface.  The lever was attached to bridges built on the top of the Tower and withdraw when activated.



Test Subject Treatyconjured was stationed on the outer tip of the eastern bridge.  Moral quandaries regarding experiment resolved by Test Subject's complete lack of self-preservative sense.


Lever was pulled.




Result:  Test Subject died instantaneously due to high velocity impact.  Catastrophic amputation of all limbs was complete.

Test Subject's body parts were not properly identified and forbidden after experimental procedure.  Presence of many witnesses to the "accident" ensured the parts were buried before the day's end, rendering the entire procedure futile.  Caravan from Dastot Cog will likely report the incident.

Conclusion:  Inconclusive.  Further experimentation required.


edit: broken images dealt with
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