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[EvilBobtheALMIGHTY]

I sighed as I looked up to the sky, as if someone would help me escape from my situation. Unlikely now that I was here. If I wasn't summoned to this shack in the middle of this Onmo damned swamp, (Filled with some of the most wretched filth imaginable, I might add) by the good Mayor himself, no less; I don't know what I'd be doing here.

I stood bewildered outside my destination. It was a quaint little place, by peasant standards. Filthy, and overrun by weeds in many places. The thatch roofing giving way to holes here and there. The landscape around was tilled and well kept, despite the stench of the surrounding swamplands. "A dirt monger," I muttered, spitting on the ground as I made my way to the building.

Walking to the door, I felt my need for tact slowly fall away. A more than growing despise and boredom taking its place. Finally, summoning what civility I could muster, I knocked on the door. Once, twice.

A sound of movement came from inside, as I waited patiently. I decided to speed up the situation. "In the name of the Mayor of Spunlistened, I have come to provide audience to one Sudem Peakmountain. Please open the door that I may-"

The door opened up, and a large and wide eyed man took its place. "So! You've finally arrived! Please! Please! Come in! I have so much to tell you and your folk."

I tried to answer, but only a sputter came out. Because soon, I was pulled into the doorway by this enthusiastic, and as I found out, quite powerfully built man. "Well. I never," I sputtered as I quickly brought myself back to bear.

The room inside was a vast improvement to what was seen outside. Well kept, well cut stone flooring. And furniture, built entirely out of cyprus wood and rope reed, was laid out amongst this (What I presumed) was the family room. A fireplace, it's belly aglow, provided the light; for even though it was day, it was actually quite dark. A black cauldron slowly boiled its contents over the flame. I took note of a rather large skull atop the mantle but didn't think much of it. After regaining my calm after being so roughly manhandled by the man, I coughed and reassumed my mission.

"I am here as herald of the Mayor of Spunlistened that I may provide audience to one Sudem Peakmountain. Now, I can only presume that you are he?"

[EvilBobtheALMIGHTY]

The man spoke up, "That would be I sir, no doubt about it," his voice full of pride.

I merely rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm and said, "Now, I'm here. What was so important to you that the Mayor himself requested that I come all the way out here in this drudgey swamp?"

"Hold up sir. Would you like some swamp whiskey or some tuber beer? Soup? Made a few days ago and still good!" He enthusiastically offered me a chair whilst I presumed he went off to garner the necessary accoutriaments for a peasant meal.

With a shake of my head, I took the chair and sat, my legs giving way to ache and tire. Disgusted by the choices I was offered, I merely took the lesser of two evils (In my opinion, anything less than Longland beer is uncivilized, but I digress) and said, "I'll.. I'll have a mug of tuber beer then." I looked apathetically at the cauldron and said, "Soup as well. Why not." He merely nodded and said, "Roight! Coming roight up and faster than two shakes of a dragon's tail."

He moved quickly, grabbing the cauldron's ladle and dropping a good steaming portion of the soup into a pair of wooden bowls he had nearby. Then, placing it in front of me on the table in front of me, with a wooden fork and spoon, he ran off into another room. I took the time to notice what was in the soup before I dared to touch it. It was the usual peasant meal. Roughly chopped tubers, muckroot slices, skinned prickle berries.. And an unusually piece of flesh bobbing in amongst the other ingredients. I thought to myself, "Beef? No, it can't be. It's too dark, and almost gamey."

The sound of footsteps interrupted my train of thought and I quickly moved to feign interest in eating the meal, lest I offend by not.

Sudem quickly placed a mug of the tuber beer in front of me as I moved to eat some of the soup. Swallowing quickly, and moving to wash some of the distinct 'flavour' away with the beer (Which did nothing but make it worst, I must add) I said, "Now. Why have you gone to the trouble of summoning me here, Mr. Peakmountain?"

He nodded and answered, "I will tell you that soon enough, sir but first, I gotta ask. What may I call our grace?"

I merely blinked at his politeness and said, "You can call me Botherdrum. Kafit Botherdrum." He nodded to this and said, "Alright, Mr. Botherdrum, I've got a story to tell you. But first I gots to tell you why it happened."

Sighing, I took another spoonful of the soup and pulled out my pen and parchment. "Very well, Mr. Peakmountain, but be quick." I prepared to write down his statements as he spoke.

He nodded again enthusiastically, and resting himself on his elbows, his hands moving a bit everytime he spoke. "Alroight, so. You guys and the city both know that I'm both a farmer and an adventurer, roight?"

I nodded to the positive, "It's listed at City Hall to your professions, Mr. Peakmountain. What does this have anything to-"

Shaking his head and said, "It's got everything, sir. If you could only listen more."

Grimacing a bit, I replied, "Very well. Continue."

He nodded, and said, "Roight. I want you to know, that I didn't always want to be an adventurer. That it was me great great great great great great Grandpappy's wish that someday, one of his descendants become something better than a dirt farmer."

"At least he knew his place," I muttered under my breath. "What was that, sir?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Please, continue then."

[EvilBobtheALMIGHTY]

"So. Soon's I hit my 20th birthday, Pappy comes to me and says, 'Son. Greatness doesn't come to everyone, but, I want you to know. That your great great great great great great Grandpappy had a wish.'" His eyes become excited at this point in his story, "So I says, 'Wha's that pa? He wanted something left to us something noice?' And he says, 'No son, he left YOU something noice.'"

Tilting my head a bit as I wrote down his words, I said, "What? Your.. many-times removed grandfather left YOU of all people something? I thought the inheritance laws were more stricter than that." I took note of this as he continued. "That's what I thought. But here's the thing. Us Peakmountains have been apparently asked by my great great great great great great grandpappy to save enough coin from each year to hide away."

"Hide away for what?" I peered at him, questioning with contempt. "One moment, Mr. Botherdrum. I'll go get them."

Sudem quickly ran off to the other room again. I muttered a curse under my breath as I took some more of the soup. If it was colder, I think it would have made me sick to my stomach. Sudem quickly ran back into the room, carrying some cheap metal armour and a very large iron axe. Resting the axe against the table, and the armour on the floor, he sat back down in his chair, and says, "So my Pa says, 'Your great great great great great great grandpappy had a wish that one of his own blood be great.' But at that time, I'm told, only the Dwarves had access to steel and iron whilst us human folk had to fend for ourselves with bronze and wooden clubs." He rubbed the back of his head a moment as he added, "Though I don't quite reckon that made sense, but I was younger and stupid so I believed it cause it was my Pa."

Rolling my eyes, I wrote down, "Investigate for tax evasion, crime and stupidity apparent in family line," and said, "Continue, Mr. Peakmountain."

"Roight. So my Pa brings me to this room and sits me down and says, 'I just went to town the other day, and I picked up a few things extra.' So I says, 'What sort of things, pa?' And then he shows me them."

I rose my eyebrow and said, "Showed you what?" "Well, the axe and the armour, obviously."

I at once facepalmed at this rediculous statement. I wrote down "Investigate for theft. Stupidity is VERY obvious in family line." And then I said, "Now, how did he manage that?"

He smiled and said, "That's all cause of my great great great-" "YEs, yes. GO ON. I know who you're talking about," I interupted, "Please continue."

Being a bit perturbed, Sudem, says, "Roight. So his wish was that everyone in our family, he included and everyone else after him, save up enough gold from every harvest and save up til one of us could afford to buy the necessary equipment to go asmashing monster heads."

I rose my eyebrow and said, "And so finally, one was able to do so then?"

He nodded and said, "Roight on the money, Mr. Botherdrum. Pa finally noticed there was enough gold to purchase a suit of armour about my size and the largest axe he could find."

At this moment I could feel the headache begin as I asked, "So you mean to tell me, that every Peakmountain up to your many times removed and deceased grandfather, had both the common sense and the respect for a many removed and deceased family member that none of those entrusted with the knowledge of the gold did not merely go off and spend it?"

"Peakmountains are very honest sir, I'll tell you that."

I rubbed my forehead as I wrote, "Dishonesty is also very apparent in family line. Investigate immediately." "Please continue, Mr. Peakmountain."

"Roight," he nodding again as he moved his hands about, "So's my Pa says, 'Son, you need to train with these, cause now you're heading off into the world soon and will need to learn quick or else you're going to get chewed up and spit out quicker than you can say 'A fallen log in Losthold is one quick for mold.' Though I suppose it could take a bit long to say that if you weren't ready for it, and another thing-"

I could tell he was about to wander off on a tangent about tubers or something of another, so I motioned for him to stop and said, "Please. Continue Mr. Peakmountain."

He blinked and said, "Oh, roight, roight, roight. So after a while, me all ready to go out into the world and used to the axe and armour, he says to me, 'Roight son. Nows the time you gotta rub the shit out of your eyes and go make something of yourself. Go to town and look about for work. The Mayor's usually got something for smashin' good and proper.' So I wave bye to Pa, and say bye to Ma's stone 'fore I head out into the wilds to smash me somethin' fierce. Didn't take long."

"What do you mean?" I enquired as I ate some more of the soup.

"Well, it was the damned wolves, you see."

"wolves? You encountered wolves, I presume?" I took the soup and swallowed hastily, taking my quill back to write some more.

"Yer, sir. Seven of them. Maybe eight. I dunno," he rubs his hand on his chin as he talked. "I couldn't tell since after it was all over, all the parts were everywhere and nothing was connected to each other proper."

"Wait. Do you mean the wolves?" I rose my eyebrow at this. "Well, the wolves, obviously sir, since I'm still all here." He grinned dumbly as he answered my semi-rhetorical question.

"I see..." I looked down to my parchment, most of his story written down already. "Oh bother. Hold up a minute," I said as I reached for more in my pack.

"Take as long as you need Mr. Botherdrum. I still got more to tell you."

Sighing at what he just told me, I pulled out another sheet of parchment and said drearily, "Very well.. Continue."

"So. I says, 'Well. That was a roight noice job if I tells meself. Pity noone saw.' And then I headed off to town. So time passes, I meet with the Mayor." He nods and adds, "Your fine Mayor, I might add, and so I asks him if he gots anythin' for me to do."

"Imagine that." I rolled my eyes as he talked, slowly writing down everything he said, since he may make a fuss later if I didn't get everything down right.

[EvilBobtheALMIGHTY]

"So the Mayor says, "Well. As a representative of the Council of Rainbows, I thank you for your offer of help. We need you to go to Bloodanus, a cave two days to the southeast, and kill the hydra there."

"A... Hydra." I said.

"Yup. A hydra."

Looking at him, I bluntly stated, "So you've summoned me to report that you won't be doing the job then." I moved to write down "A failure at obviously impossible tasks" down on my parchment but he stopped me. I looked up and saw the most furious eyes I have ever seen, an almost sad look to them that slowly faded. "That's not what happened, sir. Quite the opposite."

I looked at his eyes and almost shuddered with the intensity that they carried with them, and stammered, "V-very well. ... Continue, if you must, Mr. Peakmountain." His face returned to the calm and happy look he always carried.

"So then I says, 'Alroight, I'll do it if yer guys got somethin' for me when I send for your guys,' and then headed off towards this roight nasty sounding cave."

"Indeed. Please continue Mr. Peakmountain." As I wrote, I could almost feel a sense of anxiety coming from the man, as if I was expected to do something. "Mr. Peakmountain. Please continue."

"Oh, roight. Mayor says nothing but gives me a blessing and tells me to always believe in rainbows or somesuch as I head off. Nothin' much happened in between me and the cave but lots of nice scenery and animals here and there."

I nodded and kept writing as he spoke, his voice seemingly becoming more excited as he talked, "Yer. Then I came to the cave. Big ol' hole in the ground as it was, I figured that being a sneaky bugger would be alot safer than going in axe swingin'. I heared stories of people from the cities gettin' tore' a new set of holes by things with lots of legs and nashin' teeth."

"So you snuck in then, Mr. Peakmountain," I stated.

"Yup. But even then, there were big rats, small rats, rats what looked like men in there waitin'. Lizard people from the depths of Hell were in there. Men with wings that looked like birds if you waited long enough. I was roight scared, I was."

"But no hydra."

"No sir. It felt like I was spending days, if not weeks in that hole. Hell, if I hadn't have bumped into the bastard, I probably would have starved to death lookin' for 'im."

"Wait. So you found the Hydra then? What happened?" I looked at Sudem uncertainly, even though the man spoke with such earnesty.

"So I says, "See YOU! See CUNT! You're a cunt, you! I'm Sudem Peakmountain and I's here to chop you a few new holes so that you can fart out someplace else other than those things you call a face!"

I blinked. "Did you really, manage to blurt that to a Hydra? And it LET you?" I looked disbelievingly at him.

He blushed a bit, and says, "Well. Actually, I managed to get as far as, 'See YOU! See CUNT! You're a cunt!'
'fore the bugger picked me up and threw me against a near wall (Which was pretty near, I'll tell you what) and then rushed into bite at me."

Shaking my head, I took another spoonful of soup and chewed a bit before swallowing. Another taste of beer to wash it down, I said, "Very well. What happened then?" writing down what he just told me.

"So the damned hydra rushes at me, and I'm thinking, 'Roight. Great great great great great great Grandpappy. I'm gonna make you proud right here and now.' So I swings at the bastard. And then again and again. Bugger bites me here and there but all I'm thinkin' is to make me Great great great great great great Grandpappy proud. So I swing, and then get this. I'm chopping left and right, heads flying absolutely everywhere, and the last of those damned heads grabs me ankle and I think, "Uh-oh, here's where I go."

"But obviously you did not, Mr. Peakmountain. You should thank Onmo for-" "Shhh! That's not the best part of it though."

I rolled my eyes again and said, "Very well. Continue."

"Roight. So I's doin' my last prayer and suddenly the damned beast falls over." He motions with his hands, miming the great beast's fall.

".. It.. Fell?"

"Yer! It fell! I even had the same look on your face, I did." He grinned brightly, in great contrast to my own look of disbelief.

"So then what. You slew the beast?"

"Yup. Chopped him good, and then thought to meself, 'Well. Pa always said never to waste nothin', cause 'Waste not, want not' is what he always said, so I chops this beast as me Pa taught me to, and brings it back home here to make use of it."

I blanched. I looked to the soup. SO that's what the meat was. Hydra. I felt somewhat sick to my stomach and then blurted out, "SO what was the meaning of this excursion, Mr. Peakmountain?" Just then, an older man comes in and says, "So who's your friend Sudem?"

"Pa, this is Mr. Botherdrum. Mr. Botherdrum, this is my Pa." He motioned from me to him and back again. The gent seemed a friendly one, which bothered me. "Greetings."

He moved to shake my hand and says, "How do you do?"

I wanted to tell him I wished that I was back in the city right now, lying in my comfortable pine bed but all my civility said was, "I'm.. Fine." At this point, I began noticing the large amount of blood puddled in the room.

[EvilBobtheALMIGHTY]

Sudem pipes in, "So. I was wondering then, Mr. Botherdrum."

"Wondering what?" I rose my eyebrows, trying to keep my stomach from loosing its contents.

"If I could get a stipend or a reward or somethin' for choppin' that Hydra good."

Blinking, I merely said, "Official council rules for missions done in accordance with the councils missions are to be rewarded in mere thanks and hubris to be allowed the performer."

Sudem shook his head and said, "I know all that sir, but, I was merely hopin' that they'd have a second thought to think, and provide what's comin' for me." The blood seemed to be dripping from the ceiling now.

His pa said, "It's only right," as he crossed his arms, his nose slowly starting to bleed.

I became stubborn, trying to ignore the increasing fear in my voice, "I have come with nothing but the ability to take down your story and provide statements as proper to the Council of Rainbows that their mission was carried out successfully, and down to the word as was asked by our Mayor of Spunlistened. I cannot provide nor am equipped with anything as to provide a reward nor stipend to you. Now, I must return to-" I stopped, immediately seeing his eyes, and then.. Then his father.

"I'm sorry to hear you say that, Mr. Botherdrum," said Sudem's father as he began to bleed from his eyes. "I had hope that my only son in this world would have something, some.. Reason, if anything." He moved closer to me, "Not to destroy, each, and every. One of you." His face, now covered in blood, menaced me, dripping all over my suit as I became to stammer and sputter.

"But.. I.." There was blood everywhere now, the ceiling, the walls, the cauldron, even the beer mugs, the table, and the soup. All of it, covered in and filled with blood.

"Kill him, my child. That a new era in this world be started from the blood of an innocent." The man's face, covered in blood, seemed to gurgle out the reply as I started screaming. I, stumbling over my chair, began running to the door. Despite the blood, I beat my hand against it. "BY THE GODS! LET ME OUT! PLEASE! ONMO! SAVE ME!"

The old man replied "Your gods pale in comparison to me, for I am eternal in all lands and eras. I am timeless, for, as everything and everyone lives, and breathes, everything and everyone bleeds. For I.. Am. Armok." A swish of an axe, a gurgled scream. A thousand bloody slices. As I lay dying I hear, "Bloody hell. Can't trust a writer either it seems."

[Kagus]

Uhh...  Perhaps this should be in the story section?