Raises an interesting question: How you "feel" about something, shouldn't really influence what you believe, though, should it? There are many things I believe but I don't like. Faith is deeper than sentiment, isn't it?
Is this a unique... heh... belief?
Sounds Calvinist I think. "Life isn't fair. Most people are predestined to go to Hell. The best we can do is accept that reality"
It's a nightmare, but I've always had an odd respect for it. I've often expressed my suspicion of religion that seems to "update" itself based on modern cultural morals. That's one thing if a religion was founded from the start with a principle of discovering and adapting to hidden truths... But most mainstream religions seem to promise certainty and an unchanging foundation, then change anyway to survive.
That's a tricky subject because I *want* religions to adapt to progressive values so people don't have to be bigots. That's a good thing. It just doesn't inspire confidence in the religion's timelessness. Yet even some variants of Christianity do seem to value adaptation and discovery, so I can get behind them. (Oh right I need to check out the Universalists nearby, I bet they're running events this month!!)
I'd also like to clarify something from my monologue: Christianity wasn't the reason I felt broken and wrong. At least, I didn't think so at the time- Nowadays I blame homophobia on patriarchy, which I blame on the dominance of Abrahamic religion, etc etc whatever. I was aware of homophobic preachers, especially in politics, but that wasn't the kind of church I was trying to join. Nobody in that group was judging me for being girly or badmouthing gays around me.
No, that internalized homophobia came from secular public school... blame where it's due.
And what I wanted from church, from a personal relationship with Jesus, was to have something to live for. I didn't like myself, and I couldn't live for a family that was falling apart, so "Okay I'll dedicate myself to a higher power". Maybe that would involve continuing to repress myself like I had been, and that was okay. Maybe it wouldn't require that! I was ready to find out.
When my prayer "was rejected", yeah, I kinda felt like maybe I was too trash. Or just too different. This worked for so many people, especially desperate ones. Even if it was just a social phenomenon, why wasn't it working for me?? I *thought* differently from other people and I was so tired of working around that, trying to act normal (masking). It certainly wasn't a point of pride. It was exhausting, and it was keeping me from this almost universal source of comfort and community.
...
I'm glad nobody suggested that being rejected was part of God's greater plan for me. I know it's possible, and I don't mind you thinking it, but it would have hurt to hear you say it. I still try to contextualize my life in that way sometimes, just to check. I don't see it yet. I feel like my lack of faith led me to some unhealthy behaviors, and I can't even say "at least I survived" because I don't feel like all of me did. But I am glad I'm alive, and finally being myself, now.
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Topic: Railgun and Spirituality Discussion (Read 580342 times)