1st Granite, 201
Under the king's orders I have arrived at this hellhole of an outpost called "Bannerweaken". I was volunteered against my wishes for one year as an overseer. It is an honour to receive such a position, they said. Honour, my hairy dwarven ass. I angered some higher-ups and now they're exacting their revenge. Fucking nobles.
Anyway, they ignored my objections that I have absolutely no fucking clue how to run a fortress and here I am now, crossing a goddamn sea of rotten goo.
How the hell did that get here?
I proceeded to inspect the rest of the fortress. It doesn't seem very well organized. For one, the workshops are all squeezed into one room the size of an outhouse.
Additionally, our dwarves sleep in a bunch of shared beds in the corner of a staircase and the only place for them to socialize is a wagon in the middle of a snow field.
Outside the fortress is a strange machine in a pool of water. I asked the dwarf tinkering with it what it was and he said it's called a "screw pump". I have no idea what it does. I just really fucking hope the guy knows what he's doing, at least well enough to avoid any accidents under my rule. It can flood the fortress for all I care next year.
Following my inspection I proceeded to look over our records. The only interesting thing was the list of the dead and/or missing, which contained entries for "Cave Swallow Woman Blowgunners" (?), "Hungry Heads" (!) and "Crundles". The fuck is a "Crundle"?
Anyway, it's probably time to get down to work. First I'll go through the list of pending name changes (it seems that every single fucking dwarf here is unhappy with the name his parents gave him), then I'll begin reorganizing the workshops and bedrooms.
5th Granite, 201
"IT'S RAINING ROTTEN GOO FROM THE SKIES! MAY ARMOK HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS!"
I ran out of the hole in the wall that I call my office and yelled at the first dwarf I saw. He just shrugged and said "So?". Apparently this is a normal occurrence around here. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
25th Granite, 201
An ogre attacked. He started destroying workshops and shit all around the fortress.
"Send in the military!" I yelled from beneath a table.
"We don't have a military!" Some coward cowering behind a chair replied.
Fuck. The only dwarf here with any sort of combat experience is our hunter, who we nicknamed "The Cheese Maker" because when he starts shooting his crossbow everything is riddled with more holes than Swiss cheese. Except his target, because he can't aim for fucking toffee. Anyway, I shouted "Send in the hunter!" and he replied "I don't have any bolts!"
Now I seem to vaguely remember him coming to me, complaining about his lack of ammo and asking me to order some made. If I remember correctly I told him to stop being a pussy and that I expect results, not excuses. Now it has come back to bite me in the arse.
The only option now is to tell the miners to get up here and try to whack the ogre to death with their picks. Let's see how that works out.
2nd Slate, 201
Surprisingly enough, the miners managed to successfully whack the ogre to death, but not before it smashed a bunch of axles and shit in our "Incredible Machine", and now stopped working. Our pitiful excuse for an architect, Imic, built this contraption so shoddily that it broke down after being barely touched. And apparently this machine was supplying water to our entire fortress. What's more, Imic tells me he has no idea how the contraption works, that the overseer is supposed to tell him what parts to build and where to build them, and he just follows those instructions. So instead of me just telling him "Fix it for fuck's sake" I have to tell him where every single fucking axle goes. Fucking architects.
4th Slate, 201
The previous overseer, Gwolfski, started bitching about his office being too "Meager". I told him to shut up and abused my powers as a figure of authority to change his official title to something more derogatory.
7th Slate, 201
The ogre's mama has arrived, and she is PISSED.
"Send in the Miners!"
8th Slate, 201
ANOTHER ogress arrived. Probably our ogre's sister.
12th Slate, 201
Mama managed to kill one miner and smash our Mason's workshop before being put down. The other ogress was taken down easily enough, although she did have a scuffle with our previous overseer. Gwolfski punched her four times and began philosophizing.
13th Slate, 201
Fifteen crundles and a gremlin attacked. Let's hope our three remaining miners can deal with this.
16th Slate, 201
Yet another ogress arrived. These things are fucking vermin.
17th Slate, 201
Two more ogresses. Where the hell do they come from? They destroyed all our workshops and killed a mason. Our miners are hundreds of meters underground, chasing the gremlin around the whole fucking cavern. Shit.
18th Slate, 201
Migrants have arrived. I'll draft some into a military to control all these ogresses.
24th Slate, 201
Our blacksmith, Flame, gave birth to a baby girl and promptly misplaced her.
To celebrate the occasion, a Werechameleon has arrived.
It killed one soldier before being decapitated. Eyewitness reports state that an axedwarf hit it in the neck and the neck sailed off in an arc. What happened to the head, only Armok knows.
26th Slate, 201
Flame is acting odd. She claimed our crafter's workshop and is screaming that she needs bones and rough gems. That time of month, perhaps?
10th Felsite, 201
Miasma is filling the workshop floor from all the ogress corpses. I told my minions to dump the corpses but they are all busy sleeping or putting pebbles in stockpiles. Cocksuckers.
14th Felsite, 201
Some crafter made a masterwork slate table. That will look nice in my office.
17th Felsite, 201
Flame is still bitching about bones and gems. I told her to go fuck an elf but she keeps shouting. I think I'll get her what she wants just to shut her up. Her mental state is deteriorating so fast that she might go axe-crazy before our miners find some gems. Ah well.
1st Hematite, 201
Summer has arrived! I think I'll go to our tavern to celebrate. Wait, what's that noise?
Goblins! Fucking goblins! We'll have to raise the drawbridges and hope the previous overseer didn't fuck up when building the defenses here.
9th Hematite, 201
The goblins killed a bunch of our soldiers and ran off. I have no idea why they retreated but I'm not complaining. We didn't kill any of the purple little bastards, though. I shall have my revenge another day.
23rd Malachite, 201
Flame has gone stark raving mad. She's running around our stockpiles shouting and babbling. Still, she seems harmless. Mostly harmless.
29th Malachite, 201
Flame has been found dead, dehydrated. I'm not sure who to blame for this.
1st Galena, 201
I opened our tavern to visitors from outside the fortress, finally. I'm trying to attract elves here so that we can kill the cocksucking tree-huggers. I think this is the best way.
2nd Galena, 201
Some migrants have arrived. I'll get them to engrave the walls of my office, since it's not pretty enough. I'll get all unimportant personnel to help out.
10th Limestone, 201
Crundles, crundles everywhere! The sneaky little bastards are running around in the corridors, scaring the shit out of everyone.
15th Limestone, 201
Merchants have arrived. I had to order a trade depot built because for some reason we didn't have one already.
21st Limestone, 201
The bureaucrats keep suspending the construction of the trade depot. The merchants got tired of waiting and went to our tavern to get drunk, then left. Fucking bureaucrats.
8th Sandstone, 201
More migrants. Maybe my office will be finished this year.
18th Sandstone, 201
I ordered a bunch of bridges and shit built but our architect Imic is busy listening to stories in the tavern and won't design any of the stuff. Fucking architects.
22nd Sandstone, 201
A goblin crossbowman just visited our tavern. Walk in through the front entrances, like his species never sieged our fortress, raping and killing innocents left and right. Still, he always buys the most expensive whiskey we have, so I'll forgive him.
9th Timber, 201
Not good. Let's see how our untrained soldiers do against this.
15th Timber, 201
We are having a shortage of food. Our farmers resort to hunting rats to feed our growing population. I eat fine meals made by a private chef, though, so I don't care.
16th Timber, 201
Gwolfski wants his own bedroom, with a bed. He says he deserves to sleep on something more comfortable that the floor. Fucking egotistical nobles.
25th Timber, 201
I have a feeling I should treat my minions a bit better, lest they revolt. Maybe I'll start feeding them?
On the other hand, it would be a bit of a waste to give them food while we still have rats running around the fortress. Maybe once all the vermin are eaten.
28th Timber, 201
I have seven engravers detailing the floor and walls of my office and chamber and all they are doing is pictures of squares, Gwolfski playing with snails and a fucking watermelon.
Fucking engravers.
2nd Opal, 201
I'm afraid that my office will not be finished this year, so I had to rope all non-essential personel into drawing well-designed pictures of cheese on my walls. Who needs farmers anyway?
17th Opal, 201
I have 34 engraves now. At least no one is complaining about unemployment.
19th Opal, 201
Let's hope we can keep it contained until my successor takes over.
26th Opal, 201
Our scribe, historian and general smart-ass Professor Beardly, Attorney at Beards was found dead, dehydrated. Fuck, now who will chronicle my glorious accomplishments here?
2nd Obsidian, 201
Every single dwarf here is either dead or dehydrated. Except me, of course.
15th Obsidian, 201
Mihr, DDDraconi and, worst of all, Imic, have died. Fuck, now I need a new scapegoat.
24th Obsidian, 201
There are seven engraver corpses in my quarters. Fucking engravers don't know how to crawl into a hole before dying. There's miasma everywhere now.
1st Granite, 202
Spring has arrived, marking the end of my reign. Good, because now someone else will take the blame for the untimely end of BannerWeaken.
So long, and thanks for all the vermin.
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Topic: Sabotaged Fortress (prev. Jenga Fortress) (Read 51337 times)