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[Repulsion]

Hmm. Thought I'd might as well post a story I worked on through my vacation, but haven't recently done much with it. Should start again soon, though. Not a whole lot of it, but I'll post what I got.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    “It’s on the ship.”
   The Comm TV showed a well-shaved man in a plain black uniform, standing stoically in front of a camera, presumably. “We’ve investigated all the leads, and we are sure that we’ve found it this time; on an old freighter heading towards the Callifras Spaceport.”
   The man in the black suit leaned back in his office chair, which was well-padded with black leather, to the fortunate comfort of whoever wished to sit in it. Rubbing his chin and tapping his fingers on the ebony disk in front of him, the man pondered the message. The whereabouts were confirmed. All they had to do was send in a retrieval team before anybody else did so, and before the ship landed, of course. The man got up, pacing over to the closest wall. He tapped it twice and clasped his hands together behind his back. After a few seconds, the entire wall cleared and suddenly it was a panoramic, breathtaking view of space. Mars was visible in the upper-right, half of the now-green planet in darkness. The man chuckled heartily.
  “So much space. And it will all be in my grasp quite soon. Quite soon indeed.”
   The man tapped the window twice once more and walked back to his chair and desk, seating himself and propping his feet up on the desk. The window re-darkened behind him.
“Nothing can really stop me now, can it?” He rubbed his hands together. “Funny, one of those apparently reputable diviners sent me a message that sai- Damnit, Buc, are you still on the TV?”
Buc nervously brushed some dust off his uniform and glanced around “Yes, I am still on the TV, sir. Should I possibl-“
“Yes! Go, idiot!” The man glared at Buc until Buc leaned over and flicked a switch, upon which the TV flicked off.
   Sighing, he sagged into his chair. He opened a drawer in his black desk and pulled out a paper-thin screen, turning it on. A folder with several files stored away appeared, and he opened one, a message.

   Your report is in, done by one of our most accomplished diviners. The interpretation reads:
“Subject is mostly uncontested, but one theme appears and reappears: An unknown with a thousand thousand potential faces, the stench of metal floating above him, and the appearance of a mere pawn. Your greatest enemy, your greatest threat.”

   The man frowned. What did that even mean, the ‘stench of metal’, and the appearance of a mere pawn? Nobody who could ruin him would be some weak, small-time player; it just wasn’t possible. Or was it?
   “Too many unknown factors, all the time,’ the man said, grumbling. “There is so much only time will tell, and sometimes there is simply not enough time.” The man put a hand over his heart and blankly stared at the clock on his wall, which had just struck 12 PM.
   “No, simply not enough,” he whispered quietly.
           ---
   Arn smiled, leaning against the side of the metal ramp that led up to the huge freighter, the captain of the ship talking to an obscure person in a hood not ten feet to his right. The captain knew him, and, like most people, ignored him. Arn wasn’t much of a sight; many of his clothes were more like experiments in sewing than actual clothes, and he was scruffy-looking, even scarred in some places, obvious signs of someone who lived in a rough ghetto where even the environment was the enemy.
   Arn was fine with being ignored. More often than not, it simply led to information or an advantage, like now. And the information he was being presented with right now was very curious indeed.
   “Are you sure it is locked up?” the person in the hood asked the captain of the freighter. The person was male, judging by the sound of his voice.
   “Yes, yes of course. This girl has more twists and turns than a bull-maze, so it’s not like anyone is going to get to get to the center anytime soon,” the captain said, patting the section of the ship’s hull closest to him. “And the safe you provided makes it even, well, safer.”
   “I would hope so... who is that?” This time, the hooded man pointed towards Arn. Arn pretended not to notice, staring straight ahead as he was for the past few minutes. The captain glanced over at him and shrugged.
   “A nobody. He got taken on by one of those smiths who made it big in the metal-crafting industry, or as big as you can get, anyway. I guess the smith owed him something, or he paid somehow. Either way, don’t worry about him.” The captain turned back to the hooded man, and the hooded man nodded once in understanding and turned back to the captain. Case in point: everyone ignored Arn.
   The captain continued speaking, just as Arn had hoped. “Anyways, the item is in the center of the ship, locked away tight, with several locked doors in the way as well. It’s pretty much in the center of the storage rooms, far enough away from the guest quarters. The room it is in is locked by a vault door made out of platinum mixed with asteroid steel: tough as nails and sparkly too.”
   Arn knew the captain was bragging, knowing that aside from the hooded man, Arn was the only other person close by, and of course he saw Arn as a dumb scrapkid who probably didn’t even know what they were talking about. Arn may have been a scrapkid, but he was far from dumb.
   “Alright, alright. I see. You must not forget that it is extremely important, yes? You know what reward is in for you when get to Callifras,” the hooded man said. The captain nodded several times and smiled. Presumably seeing that the captain understood, the hooded man took one last glance around and walked away.
   Arn glanced once at the captain and turned back to watching the empty air in front of him. Soon, the captain would pay for ignoring him, pay with the mysterious item that he had hidden on his ship. Of course, Arn had no idea what the item actually was, but it was opportunity, and opportunity was all Arn had.
   Seeing that he was done here, Arn popped his knuckles and broke from his position leaning against the ramp, choosing instead to vault lightly onto it and proceed into the ship.
   The item hidden in the freighter would either make it or break it for Arn, and Arn intended to make it.
***
   The room that Arn stayed in was a glorified closet, the bed taking up over half of the entire room. It wasn’t even a very big bed, Arn had grumbled when he had first seen it. At least the springs hadn’t snapped, which in Arn’s experience turned a bed into a bed of spikes, more or less.
   Wrapping thin white cloth around his hands to form makeshift gloves, Arn contemplated

The cut-off is quite obvious

[Fishbreath]

Obvious indeed. As a big fan of science fiction, I feel called to read and comment (and the first few lines are promising), but that'll have to wait until after work.

In other news, I was talking with one of my friends earlier, and I cited Chandler's Law (pulp author Raymond Chandler's advice that "when in doubt [about what happens next], have a man burst through the door with a gun in his hand"). He suggested that would make for a potentially hilarious collaborative writing exercise: every participant writes 800 or 1000 words, and has to begin his section with someone with a gun bursting through the door.

[AlStar]

Hmm. Thought I'd might as well post a story I worked on through my vacation, but haven't recently done much with it. Should start again soon, though. Not a whole lot of it, but I'll post what I got.

I'll give my 2c on this, if you like.

The Comm TV showed a well-shaved man in a plain black uniform, standing stoically in front of a camera, presumably. “We’ve investigated all the leads, and we are sure that we’ve found it this time; on an old freighter heading towards the Callifras Spaceport.”

I don't like the positioning of "presumably" here. I'd move it to after "uniform,".
Any reason that he uses contractions some places ("We've") but not others ("we are")? If there isn't, you should probably pick one ("We have") or the other ("We're") and stick to it.

The man in the black suit leaned back in his office chair, which was well-padded with black leather, to the fortunate comfort of whoever wished to sit in it.

Suggestion: The man in the black suit leaned back in his comfortable, well-padded leather office chair.

All they had to do was send in a retrieval team before anybody else did so, and before the ship landed, of course.

Suggestion: All they had to do was be the first to send in a retrieval team before the ship landed.

After a few seconds, the entire wall cleared and suddenly it was a panoramic, breathtaking view of space. Mars was visible in the upper-right, half of the now-green planet in darkness.

 
Suggestion: After a few seconds, the entire wall cleared to reveal a breathtaking panormic view of space. Mars, now fully terraformed, was visible in the upper-right corner, its green surface half in darkness.

The window re-darkened behind him.

"Re-darkened"? I'd go with "Faded back to opacity."

“Nothing can really stop me now, can it?” He rubbed his hands together. “Funny, one of those apparently reputable diviners sent me a message that sai- Damnit, Buc, are you still on the TV?”
Buc nervously brushed some dust off his uniform and glanced around “Yes, I am still on the TV, sir. Should I possibl-“
“Yes! Go, idiot!” The man glared at Buc until Buc leaned over and flicked a switch, upon which the TV flicked off.

Suggestion: "Nothing can really stop me now, can it?" He said to himself, rubbing his hands together. "Funny, one of those apparently reputable diviners sent me a message that sai..." He noticed that the screen in front of him still held the man in black uniform, who was nervously twitching as he held his position. "Damnit, Buc - are you still there?"
"Um, yes sir." Buc replied, brushing an invisible fleck of dust off his uniform. "Did you want..."
"Yes! Go, you idiot!" the man roared, causing Buc to jump for a switch, leaving the screen blank.

Sighing, he sagged into his chair. He opened a drawer in his black desk and pulled out a paper-thin screen, turning it on. A folder with several files stored away appeared, and he opened one, a message.

I think this entire bit could be shortened to just "Sighing, he sagged into his chair and brought up a report on his screen."

   “Too many unknown factors, all the time,’ the man said, grumbling. “There is so much only time will tell, and sometimes there is simply not enough time.” The man put a hand over his heart and blankly stared at the clock on his wall, which had just struck 12 PM.
   “No, simply not enough,” he whispered quietly.

           
I know you're trying to impress that time is an important factor, but I'd try to do it some other way than repeating "time" 3 times in a row.
Also, 12 PM is noon; so unless he's late for lunch, I think you mean 12 AM (midnight.)

 

Arn smiled, leaning against the side of the metal ramp that led up to the huge freighter, the captain of the ship talking to an obscure person in a hood not ten feet to his right. The captain knew him, and, like most people, ignored him. Arn wasn’t much of a sight; many of his clothes were more like experiments in sewing than actual clothes, and he was scruffy-looking, even scarred in some places, obvious signs of someone who lived in a rough ghetto where even the environment was the enemy.

The way you've got this worded, it sounds like you're describing the obscure person in a hood, not Arn.

   “I would hope so... who is that?” This time, the hooded man pointed towards Arn. Arn pretended not to notice, staring straight ahead as he was for the past few minutes. The captain glanced over at him and shrugged.
“A nobody. He got taken on by one of those smiths who made it big in the metal-crafting industry, or as big as you can get, anyway. I guess the smith owed him something, or he paid somehow. Either way, don’t worry about him.” The captain turned back to the hooded man, and the hooded man nodded once in understanding and turned back to the captain. Case in point: everyone ignored Arn.

   
I think that it'd be better for Arn to go unnoticed entirely, without the man in the cloak seeing him and the wierd reply from the captain to not 'worry about him.'
Makes it sound like the captain is trying to run some kind of scam, and it makes the man in the cloak seem like an idiot, since he should (at very least) tell the captain to shut the hell up about the cargo in front of people, and more likely should immediately start freaking out that someone is listening in to their conversation.

The captain nodded several times and smiled. Presumably seeing that the captain understood, the hooded man took one last glance around and walked away.

Ditch the 'presumably'.


Anyway, I think it's a good start, and look forward to seeing more of it.

[Repulsion]

Ah, thanks for the review. Good catch on the "Suggestion: All they had to do was be the first to send in a retrieval team before the ship landed."

I think you have already guessed that the story will involve many... factions, as it were. If you did, you guessed right.

[schrocko88]

The prologue of some Fallout fanfic I wrote 3th hour in health class. School started today. Anyway, I wrote this in about twenty minutes, before getting the rough draft torn out of my notebook by an angry high school teacher wondering why I wasn't paying attention. There are a few swear words. Just a fair warning, so if at all offended by that sort of thing, well you can take that up with my lawyer, Mr. IDon'tCareLeaveMeAlone.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

   “In my dreams I hear again the crash of guns, the rattle of musketry, the strange, mournful mutter of the battlefield.”
                  -Douglas MacAurther



                  Prologue
   

   On October 23, 2077, the United States, China, and other nuclear-armed countries commenced a brief but rapid exchange of nuclear weapons. Although the conflict lasted only two hours, the destruction it brought was staggering and complete: more energy was released in the early moments of the war than in all previous global conflicts combined. The world was scorched, and the land irradiated. The people, destroyed. Or most of the people at least. Those who survived, did so in great underground vaults. They had food, stocked for years. They had a water filtration system. In vault 88, guards patrolled the halls and crime was virtually non-existence. Life was good, for the occupants of vault 88. Then things changed.


   In the year 2119, the overseer of vault 88, Jason Arce, opened the vault to the outside world.  The Vault 88 Police Department, or the 88 PD, lead an expedition out into the wastes. 7 men, armed with 10mm pistols, and police vests, emerged from the dark. No sooner than their eyes had adjusted to the brightness of the sun, they saw a group of people walking along with a strange two-headed pack animal. They were armed to the teeth with shotguns and rifles. The men from the vault approached them cautiously, guns at the ready. The strange cow made a noise, and looked their direction.
   
   “Contact left!” Shouted the person leading the beast. All the men and women in the caravan turned to face them, guns up.

“Don't move, or I'll blow your fucking brains out!” Yelled a young girl, couldn't be more that seventeen years old, at the back. She had her revolver aimed at the lead officer. Her dirty hands were steady, as though she had done this before. “I swear to what ever god there is I'll do it!”

   “Drop your guns,” Called the lead caravaner, “or we'll fill you with lead, and take them.”

   “Wait!” Shouted the leader of the vault men, Cpt. Reed Holly, “We're setting our weapons down!” Them men looked at him in surprise, and after a curt nod from Reed, they did.
   
   “Anna and Joe, grab those guns! Smith, Ajax secure our new merchandise!” The leader barked out orders, and his men followed them with absolute loyalty. He had obviously lead these men before. And, through some rough stuff, it seemed.

   “Hands behind your heads,” Said either Ajax or Smith. One of them was black, and had an eye patch.

   “What's going on? Why are you doing this?” Pleaded the youngest member of the vault police. This was his first week on the job.

   “Shut the fuck up, scum!” Shouted one of the two that was supposed to be securing the caravaner's new “merchandise” and he hit the young man with the but of his gun. Blood splattered onto the two men next to him, covering their helmet visors. They were all stripped of their belongings, and chained together. The raiders beat them, until it was all they could do to keep walking. And keep walking they did.

   Unknown to anyone in the vault, less than an hour after they left, a young boy sneakily made his way past the guards by the still open vault door. He had a knife, and some bottles of water. His name was Marcus, and the wasteland would never be the same.

[Reudh]

Besides a few formatting and grammatical errors, I think that that's a good piece. Having known the Fallout universe I can say that your writing style definitely fits it quite well.

I reckon' this page needs a CPR too, so...

HIYA, THREAD, ARISE!

[Tsuchigumo550]

The small, abandoned town that had become a warzone was vacant again. There stood only three soldiers now, surrounded by bodies, shells, and blood.

Rain had began to fall mid-combat, slowly working the blood clean. It was still coming down, with no end in sight.

One of the remaining soldiers stood in the rain. His helmet lie on the ground next to him, and a smoldering cigarette hung from his mouth. His gun hung loosely from his side as he looked down at one of the bodies. The cigarette quit burning, completely turned to ashes, as the man expressionlessly lit another and put it to his lips.

Not far away were two other soldiers, one with a disproportionately large rifle strapped to her back.
She was sobbing gently, enveloped in the arms of the third soldier. He was a large man, bear-like in build, his rifle slung across his back as well. He wrapped his arms around the fragile-looking sniper, a lost and forlorn look on his face as he did his best to comfort her.

She was nearly crying herself to sleep in the man's arms, her sobs becoming quieter and quieter. Her eyes seemed dull and lightless as she cried, unable to speak anymore, not wanting to speak anymore. She managed to squeak out a few more words between sobs.

"Damnit... W-why is it that... Why did Ferret have to die? Why... does it hurt so much... even though we didn't get shot..?"

The big guy hugging her, appropriately nicknamed Bear, only held her tighter and whispered in her ear.
"It's because he was a nice guy. Wars aren't a place for nice people."

The sniper, "Hawk", only cried harder after hearing Bear's words.

The man in the rain looked up after what must have been at least 30 minutes. Rain was dripping off of his face, and he barely took notice.
"Good luck out there... Ferret."
The man pulled out a pistol and fired into the air. One, two, three, he fired until his magazine ran dry. He kept pulling the trigger, over and over.

Hawk had finally given out and fallen asleep in Bear's arms. He gently picked her up and took her inside one of the buildings nearby.

Outside, a faint voice was heard.
"Sorry about that... I didn't have enough bullets for 21."

The man known as Gold Dust dropped the pistol and looked around, almost as though for the first time. Bear emerged from the building and joined up with him. "I'm ready, Gold Dust. Let's get him home proper.

Gold Dust and Bear lifted one of the corpses, long since drained of blood and left with a hole in it's chest. This body belonged to Ferret. The two moved Ferret's body out of the rain, and went inside to check on Hawk's radio equipment.

---

After the rain gave in a little, Gold Dust finally got to HQ on the radio. Hawk was still asleep, albeit fitfully so, and Bear watched over her.

"This is Hound Team 2. Report, HQ."
"This is U.S. Blue HQ, verify?"
"Hotel-niner-oh-Whiskey-Foxtrot-Two."
"What's your status, Hound Team 2?"
"We have a man down, confirmed KIA. Requesting evac chopper."
"We have a lock on your coordinates, the nearest transport chopper's a good ten minutes out. Is your mission complete?"
"I hope so, HQ. Any more of these bastards show up and try to kill my men again and they'll be begging for an off-the-record interrogation room."
"Be careful. Blue HQ out."

Bear looked back at Gold Dust.
"You'd better take some time off when we get back."
"Yeah. I will. But this ain't exactly a vacation home."
"Hell no it isn't. Let's just wait things out."

The radio crackled to life again, but this time it was spewing Russian. Gold Dust listened carefully.

"They're on to us. The remainder of that squad we took down, looks like at least three groups. Let's get ready while we can, we've got all of three minutes."

Bear stepped outside and grabbed an LMG off of one of the soldiers, and whatever ammo he could grab. Gold Dust picked up any grenades or guns he could carry on his person, and they both returned to the house.

The radio crackled to life again before Bear shut it off.
"Here's the afterparty..."

"I'm going to kill every last one of these bastards. If any of them live, I'm sure they'll LOVE HQ when I get done with them."

Bear, on the other hand, nervously looked back at Hawk. She wasn't a sound sleeper, but she had been awake for 72 hours before crying herself to sleep. She'd be defenseless until then."

"I don't care what you do so long as you live, Gold Dust. My goal is to make sure Hawk lives through this."
"You'd better live too, you crazy sonofabitch. I know what you're known for."
"I'm still alive because of it."

---

An opening to a war story chapter. This is after a close squadmate dies, and there's still a ton of emotions flying. Bear is focused but worn down and Gold Dust won't care much for his life right now. That will come into play... later.

[AlStar]

Page 3? Inconceivable!

Tsuchigumo, you didn't actually mention if you wanted feedback on your piece, but since I've got some free time (and because I don't just want to say "bump",) I'll throw some your way.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The small, abandoned town that had become a warzone was vacant again. There stood only three soldiers now, surrounded by bodies, shells, and blood.

Rain had began to fall mid-combat, slowly working the blood clean. It was still coming down, with no end in sight.

Comment: A rather choppy introduction.
Suggestion: Three soldiers stood in the small, abandoned town, surrounded by bodies and shell holes. Rain fell around them with no end in sight, slowly washing away the blood.

One of the remaining soldiers stood in the rain. His helmet lie lay on the ground next to him, and a smoldering cigarette hung from his mouth. His gun hung was loosely from at his side as he looked down at one of the bodies. The cigarette quit burning, completely turned to ashes, as and the man expressionlessly lit another and put it to his lips.

Comment: You've already told us there are three soldiers, you don't have to tell us you're focusing on one of the remaining ones.
(Suggestion: as per the strikeouts and itallics above)

Not far away were two other soldiers, one with a disproportionately large rifle strapped to her back.
She was sobbing gently, enveloped in the arms of the third soldier. He was a large man, bear-like in build, his rifle slung across his back as well. He wrapped his arms around the fragile-looking sniper, a lost and forlorn look on his face as he did his best to comfort her.

Comment: Again, there are only the three of them - no need to number them.
Suggestion: The other soldiers stood close by. One, a sniper with a disproportionately large rifle strapped to her back, stood sobbing gentry in the arms of the other, a large, bear-like man. His arms wrapped around her, a lost and forlorn look on his face.

She was nearly crying herself to sleep in the man's arms, her sobs becoming quieter and quieter. Her eyes seemed dull and lightless as she cried, unable to speak anymore, not wanting to speak anymore. She managed to squeak out a few more words between sobs.

"Damnit... W-why is it that... Why did Ferret have to die? Why... does it hurt so much... even though we didn't get shot..?"

Comment: Having two lines about how she both can't and does not want to talk is not a good lead in to dialog.
Suggestion: I like the language, but it just doesn't go with having your character speak.

The big guy hugging her, appropriately nicknamed Bear, only held her tighter and "It's because he was a nice guy. Wars aren't a place for nice people," he whispered in her ear.

The sniper, "Hawk", only cried harder after hearing Bear's words.

Comment: This is a very awkward way and place to give your characters their names. I think (IMO, of course) it ruins the mood.
Suggestion: Take it out.

The man in the rain first soldier finally looked up. after what must have been at least 30 minutes. Rain was dripping off of his face, and but he barely took notice.
"Good luck out there... Ferret."
The man pulled out a pistol and fired into the air. One, two, three, he fired until his magazine ran dry. Even after the shots had stopped, He kept pulling the trigger, over and over.

"Sorry about that... I didn't have enough bullets for 21."

Suggestion: As above.

The woman, Hawk, had finally given out and fallen asleep in Bear's the man's arms. He gently picked her up and took her inside one of the buildings nearby.

Outside, a faint voice was heard.
Emerging from the the building, he saw the first soldier drop his pistol to his side and look around,
The man known as Gold Dust dropped the pistol and looked around, almost as though for the first time. Bear emerged from the building and joined up with him.
"I'm ready, Bear; let's get him home proper."
"Ok, Gold Dust."

Gold Dust and Bear lifted one of the corpses, long since drained of blood and left with a from the hole in it's chest. This body belonged to Ferret. The two moved Ferret's body out of the rain, and then went inside to check on Hawk's radio equipment.

Comment: Who elses body would it be? Really now, give your readers some credit for putting two and two together. Also, where is this place that is both out of the rain but not inside?
Suggestion: (as above)

Just the first part for now (this takes longer then you'd think), if you're interested I can do the rest.

[Eek-A-Mouse]

This is a bit rushed and unedited. I'd be happy to hear any comments or criticisms.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

James sat on a bed in a small dormitory room with another student. In front of them were two others sitting on the floor. All were insane, but each in his peculiar way. He was talking to the one on the bed. The pair on the floor was engaged in a similar conversation. It didn’t matter to the two pairs that there was another conversation within arm’s reach. Each individual entirely focused his attention on the words he said to his partner.

His partner Juan spoke and clenched his fists.

   “Just the idea of anger”— he paused as he tightened his fists and held his breath and grew red—“it’s infuriating. I need to fight it—frenzy, heat”—He filled his chest and released it like a balloon inflating and deflating and inflating again and getting closer and closer to bursting. Juan deflated.

James listened but his heart was beating quickly and his breathing shallow. “But I’m alone—we’re all alone”--

Juan shook his head and he knew he didn’t feel the same.

--“We’re all galaxies of thought and experiences and forever spinning around each other. We never touch, though. I never touch.” He became mute and looked at Juan. He was a galaxy spinning near but not touching him. Their memories and experiences didn’t align and both galaxies began to accelerate apart towards their own unknown place in the beyond.

“Is this the closest I’ll ever get to someone?” James looked down and was sad.

Neither spoke. The room was silent. Both looked to the other pair who had simultaneously hushed. He met eyes with Rick on the floor and Rick began to speak.

“I need to go faster—faster” He gasped for air and stood up and jerked his arms backwards and forwards.

“Climbing, climbing”—he filled his lungs again and jerked his arms more quickly—“faster.” He released his breath in a defeated pant.
“I can’t. He’s perfect. My Dad’s perfect and there’s nothing wrong with him. He always smiles and jokes and everyone loves him. I love him. I wish I could be as calm and together as him. He’s perfect, and I’m not.”

James forgot how to breathe and his chest crushed him as it shrunk.

“But you know how to talk—you can speak but I can’t. You know yourself. I don’t know anything—every time I’m dealt a card it’s ripped and your cards are clean but mine are distorted before I can react.”

Rick was confused and didn’t understand. He furrowed his brow and then almost sneered.

“No”—he was afraid—“each card is a moment and each moment you’re dealt a new one but I can’t react to the moment because my cards are destroyed in the first place.” He noticed he was growing loud and stopped speaking.

The room was silent. He looked around and the other three were silent and avoided eye-contact with each other.
Something clicked. He looked to everyone with hope.

“Wait. Everyone is talking like this. All of us are talking about the same thing. We can all speak together and don’t need to talk like this. We can be together.”

He looked at them. They looked at him and then each other. All were silent. Anxiety and torment shown on all faces.
Guss stood up. He was sweating and his eyes were fixed to the ground.

“I know. We can dance.” He began swaying his hips and turning his torso.

Guss danced to the center and around the small room swaying his hips and turning his torso. Juan stood up and bobbed his head and bended his knees. Rick jerked his arms and made small pelvis thrusts. They kept their eyes on the floor and danced with tense rigidity. He scooted back on the bed and watched them in apprehension. He felt his heart race more quickly and began to gasp for air.

Juan stopped dancing. He shook his head and said “No.”

“Why are we doing this?” Rick distorted his face and sat down in disgust.

Guss returned to his corner and sat in silence.

Everyone was silent again and he felt his heart sink and his spirit shrivel. He looked down.

Rick began to speak. Juan too, and then Guss. His soul rekindled and he looked up. They were all talking and laughing. They saw his glance and Rick spoke.

“You’re crazy.”

Juan nodded his head and laughed quietly.

“Yeah” Guss smiled. “It’s funny how it doesn’t take long to notice the odd one out.”

He began to feel them will him from the room. The force was tangible and crushing. He tried to fight this pushing wall of unwelcome but their stare was powerful and he was already half-way to the door.

Rick, Guss, and Juan watched the open door suck the intruder into the abyss. It slammed shut and there was silence once more.

[Fishbreath]

I hate to be the one always harping on punctuation, but as I always say, "Narration and dialog tags should be separated from dialog in quotations by a comma. When interrupting myself—" I'd also put the em-dash inside the quotation, too, but on that issue I'm honestly not sure what the style guides say.

Tangent: I actually prefer to leave the comma outside the 'single quotes', as I'm told they are called, when I'm quoting a word or phrase, but that's technically incorrect too. It's just I'm an engineer, you see, so the imprecision of leaving the comma inside the quotation marks just kills me.

[Skyrunner]

I think dashes when interrupted or cut off go inside the quotation marks.

I wonder, do translations count as postable? I'm slowly working on one. Need proofreading, or someone to tell me this is a horrid boring story and he doesn't know why I'n bothering >.>
Or maybe just reviews.

[Tsuchigumo550]

---CHECKMATE---

Dim blue light filled the darkened operations room, cold air flowing in through noiseless ventilators and large screens displaying data.
A general sat in the middle, with four soldiers in armored suits standing in front of him.

The general spoke up.
"We have a huge problem. Apparently the enemy got the drop on us and took down an entire convoy. Normally we wouldn't sent an armored squad out, but... I'll let the audio log do the talking."

Speakers played static, then a man's voice came through.
"Approaching I7. We'll make it to the drop zone with time to spa-"
An explosion sounded, fairly close by the crackling of the speaker failing to register the full volume.
"Jesus Christ! Convoy Team A taking fire! Teams B and C, respond!"
"TEAMS B AND C, RESPOND!"

Gunfire could be heard along with another explosion.
"I-It's the Death Corps! I'd recognize those all-black frames anywhere! We're done!"
Two more explosions, then static filled the ops room.

"That's why we're sending you, Lynx Squad. You're the only one outfitted well enough to take them down."

The four soldiers saluted, turned, and left the room in unison.

---

Moments later four mecha left from the base, each one a brilliant white. They were the last of the Corporation's pilots, the strongest and best outfitted. Each soldier had gone through rigorous training, ready for any conflict to arise.

They had rivals. For instance, the group they were sent out to fight, soldiers of the Felix Foundation. Other companies fought in the war and had pilots ready to stake everything on the line, and it led to the massive war that tore the world to shreds.

Zodiac, the leader of the Lynxes, commanded his troops from within his mecha. All the Lynx were bipedal machines, but no two were alike.

They moved along the ground conserving fuel to their target area, less than 10 minutes away.

---
"Look out for anything on scanners, we're in the mission zone. Find, destroy, and salvage from the Death Corps. Mission time is 10 minutes."

The white mechs had barely begun to scan the area when a loud crack echoed through the lightly forested terrain.

"Ahh! Ha... I'm fine. Left arm's got no response. We have a sniper, gonna provide some cover fire..."
Sanya, the specialist of the group built for intel collection and long range assault had already lost a big chunk of her available weaponry with her left arm including an all-important radar, but she still had a missile launcher and rifle. Her missile system scanned the general area the sniper was before firing a barrage of 12 missiles, followed by Sanya dashing forward to attack directly. The rest of the squad dashed ahead in front of Sanya, to assault the unit that attacked.

The missiles seemed to get a lock on a target, as all 12 homed in on the same spot and promptly exploded. Sanya fired off another 12, as the white machines covered ground quickly to reach the now injured sniper...

More warning lights flashed as scanners in the mecha frames went off. Directly behind the Lynx were the other three Death Corps members.

"Shit!" cried out Sanya, narrowly missing the bright flash of an enemy energy sword. She fired upon the group with her rifle as did the others with their weapons, but it was useless. From an entirely different position, the sniper mech fired again, putting a bullet directly through one of the Lynx cockpits. It uselessly tried to eject itself before exploding violently.

Sanya's somewhat slower mech was being hounded by the much faster blade-carrying Death Corps, as the hidden sniper picked away at the remaining units. The leader was fighting back with energy weapons, but one of the Death Corps caught up and delivered a solid blade directly into the side of his mech, stunning it and almost throwing it down to the ground. The Death Corps member followed up with another solid blade driven into the cockpit, as the sniper took out the other Lynx. All that was left was Sanya, who still tried to escape in vain.

The bright blades of the Death Corps soon lit into Sanya's machine, ripping apart the heavy armor and working it's way to the cockpit. Sanya was typing as fast as she could on the console in her mecha, authorizing protocols and the like, before a single screen appeared before her.

"CHECKMATE Y/N"

She hit Y, feeling another blade slash through the core of her mech.

"AUTHORIZATION CODE"

She typed quickly, sure to make no mistakes.

"AUTHORIZATION CODE"
"NIGHTMARE OF NIGHTMARES"

The console blinked as another blade was driven into Sanya's core, as hot metal began to wear away to the onslaught. However, the weapon located in the rear of the core was intact.

"AUTHORIZATION CODE ACCEPTED."
"HAVE A NICE AFTERLIFE AND THANK YOU"

Sanya's mecha exploded, but it wasn't caused by the energy blades. A small nuclear warhead had been affixed to the back of Sanya's core, and she set it off before the Death Corps could eat away her armor.

The nuclear detonation immolated the three blade mecha and the sniper, along with causing major damage to the surrounding area. The base had to be evacuated, but the Corporation had just lost more than their strongest pilots- they also lost their stronger enemies.

[Fishbreath]

I think dashes when interrupted or cut off go inside the quotation marks.

I wonder, do translations count as postable? I'm slowly working on one. Need proofreading, or someone to tell me this is a horrid boring story and he doesn't know why I'n bothering >.>
Or maybe just reviews.

I'd say they absolutely count. I've read a small handful of Russian short stories in Russian, and I've also read a couple of translated versions of each. I'd say it's harder to be a good translator than a good writer, because a translator has to write in someone else's voice and carry it over a language barrier besides.

[kingfisher1112]

I've got a small story that I want to turn into a series. Here you are:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Joker And the Thief Chap 1
Kathryn was stirring from a restful sleep  on board  the luxury space liner Titanic. Well, it was hardly the best of names for a top of the line space liner but she didn't really care. She was on a contract and that was all that matters. The world she was traveling to was called New Eradani, and it was a corporation owned planet. That was her purpose on this planet, as she was on a contract from NanoFuture Inc. to steal private research from the Eradani corporation. She had done many larger jobs that had smaller pay than this. 

She was worried. Why would a corporation as large as NanoFuture pay 5 million omnicredits for a job like this. Of course, she could get a bigger house with that sort of cash. This job was important. The ship landed in the docks, and she disembarked from the luxurious ship. She was in the cities' extensive commercial space ports. The naval shipyards were to the left. Those could be important for an escape route if she was found out. She slowly walked through the packed crowd, bright signs advertising corporation wares, flying police bots patrolling, and people on their EPhones. It was truly chaos. She walked until she reached her destination, The Royale Hotel. A large flashy hotel, and she was on the top floor. She walked into the glittering, golden lobby and got into the elevator. It quickly reached the top floor where her room was. She opened the door, and closed it behind her. It was a large room, with a old oak table in the centre, the bedroom to the right and the bathroom to the left. She sat down on a soft couch and opened her briefcase. Inside was a large cylinder, a suppressed pistol and ammunition, and a map of the research facility. She knew what the cylinder was, it was an augment battery.

You see, Kathryn was an augment. People who have been genetically and mechanically augmented to provide superhuman strength, speed, smarts, and agility. She was a military grade augment, one specifically made for stealth. She was part of a secret military program until... Things happened. 

She slotted the battery in and her system immediately sprang to life. Muscles tensed, electrics activated and her brain sparked with activity. She grabbed the pistol and put it in her thigh holster. She then headed for the bathroom. Kathryn needed to freshen up. As she did that she stared at herself in the mirror. She was an average build, 176 cm tall with black hair, and blue eyes. Many people she had met had found her eyes very disconcerting, but they had no idea why. The reason was her eye augments. Able to see a person's heart rate, monitor facial expressions for emotion and determine light and dark levels. Her other augments were hidden underneath her clothes. She walked out of the bathroom when she was finished. Then, she opened the door that led to the rooftop. She could hear vague sounds of Policebot sirens. The Eradani corporation building was across 50 meter gap, but that was no problem. She jumped with a whirr of mechanics and speared through an empty window. Small shards of glass rained down upon the floor. She examined her surroundings and saw a typical office, with a computer and some filing cabinets. She opened the door leading outside and walked into the dark hallway. The graveyard shift would definitely be no match for her. She crept up to a door marked Lab 1 and opened the door. Inside was a man with a trenchcoat and a woman wearing a Eradani jumpsuit. She listened in on the conversation. 
'Have you got the codes?' Said the trench-coated man. 
"Yes. The code to activate project Victoria is 1337."
"Good."
The man pulled out an SMG and filled the scientist with a burst of hot lead. She fell to the floor, dead. He then strode out another door.
Kathryn then activated her cloaking mechanism and followed the man. He quickly strode through the hallways, following the signs to 'Vehicle Hangar 1'. She swiftly followed. He then stopped. She also halted in her tracks.
' I can hear you'
Kathryn was incredibly shocked. Her augments should have muffled those sounds.
She rolled out of the way as a hail of small bullets flew past. She climbed on top and stuck to the ceiling as the man walked around the corner brandishing his firearm.
" Come out, come out"
She dropped on him, and held her pistol to his face. She uncovered his face, and saw someone she had wished never to see again.

[AlStar]

I've got a small story that I want to turn into a series.

Some thoughts:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's a little bumpy with the tone and sentence structure.

You've got something of a conversational tone introduced by your "Well," and "You see," which I don't think is an asset to your story and should probably be cut out.

Some tense problems as well: She was on a contract and that was all that matterED.

The sentence "That was her purpose on this planet, " doesn't seem to fit with the sentence proceeding it.

Some kind of transition would be good between these two lines: "This job was important. The ship landed in the docks, and she disembarked from the luxurious ship." - Also, try not to repeat words (like "ship") in quick succession if you can help it.

"As she did that she stared at herself in the mirror." Staring at yourself in a mirror is an extremely ham-handed way to get to describe your character. I'd suggest finding another way to do so.

Commentary: It seems unlikely that no one would notice someone blowing through the glass into their building - if they didn't just bounce off (the glass on high floors of office towers tends to be reinforced) - even if it is the night shift. Especially since the dude in the trench coat apparently has super hearing.