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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1498666 times)

jaxy15

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1650 on: May 17, 2011, 07:39:24 am »

Dear black bears pastured in a room,

Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.

Sincerely,
Overseer
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PCpaste

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1651 on: May 18, 2011, 04:38:59 am »

Dear Urist,

Just who do you think you are, doing something when you're actually asked to do so?

Sincerely, Gigantic Floating Yellow X.
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imperium3

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1652 on: May 18, 2011, 05:00:37 am »

Dear Urist McLeeroyJenkins,

Did you hear that? That was the order to retreat to the keep bacause fifty goblins have just broken down our gates. So why did you and your two axedwarf chums, Urist McHaveAGoHero and Urist McBloodthirsty, try to charge them? You're a goddamn marksdwarf, and apart from that remarkably neat headshot you managed, you achieved nothing whatsoever. Your mates are dead, and you're lucky that you managed to lock yourself in one of the outer towers before they got to you.

Most irritatingly, the doctors inform me that your injuries are such that you can never hold a crossbow again. I don't know what to do with you now...

The Management of Akrulatol

Dear Fleeing Goblins,

Congratulations on escaping the +large serrated discs+ and hail of arrows from those of my marksdwarves who actually follow orders. Might I suggest leaving through the north gate from which you entered, as the weapon traps there are at least already clogged with the bodies of your friends, unlike for example those at the east gate, which... ah, I see you found out for yourself...

The Management of Akrulatol

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1653 on: May 18, 2011, 06:20:21 am »

Dear Urist McLeeroyJenkins,

Did you hear that? That was the order to retreat to the keep bacause fifty goblins have just broken down our gates. So why did you and your two axedwarf chums, Urist McHaveAGoHero and Urist McBloodthirsty, try to charge them? You're a goddamn marksdwarf, and apart from that remarkably neat headshot you managed, you achieved nothing whatsoever. Your mates are dead, and you're lucky that you managed to lock yourself in one of the outer towers before they got to you.

Most irritatingly, the doctors inform me that your injuries are such that you can never hold a crossbow again. I don't know what to do with you now...

The Management of Akrulatol

Dear Akrulatol Manager;

You could always train him against rabbits and things until he can bite and kick... then send him on a death mission.

Sincerely,

Doctors.
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What's wrong with using magma? That's almost always the easiest method.
I have issues channeling it properly to do that method. I end up flooding the fortress with magma.
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ledgekindred

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1654 on: May 18, 2011, 06:41:13 pm »

Dear Vucar 'Bustwhips' Ablelbomrek,

You are a legendary miner.  You have plenty of work.  I understand that breeding is... 'different'... around here, but still.  Ten kids?  You are leading this comet trail of little brats behind you everywhere you go.  It's kind of mesmerizing I admit, but you're not helping my framerate with your constant spawning.  You're lucky that your husband is a commander and Legendary Speardwarf, and frankly, I am afraid of what he could do if he got angry.  Otherwise I'd be making a little spike repeater and assign you to a nearby burrow.

Dear Kadol Matchfortress, the Snarling Plait of Affliction,

Cool title.  I appreciate your work and you really are a credit to our fortress.  (Over 30 kills. Very nice.)  But please cut out with the mating.  However it is that you do it, you're making your Overlord jealous with the amount of action you're getting.  Legendary "Speardwarf," indeed.  Stop showing off, 'kay?

Yrs Contemplatively,
All-Seeing, Single and Rather Frustrated Overlord
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I just hope he dies the same death that all dwarfs deserve: liver disease.
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Atir Stigildegel, Legless Hero of Diamondrelic: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=83136.0

Teneb

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1655 on: May 18, 2011, 06:47:45 pm »

Dear Urist McMechanic

Due to your brilliant decision to go on break in the exact moment the cage traps needed to be reloaded the fort was overrun by trogs and would have been destroyed, if not by Urist McAxedwarf. You are expected to report for explorer duty in the third cavern layer once you finish your bloody break.

Signed,
   Your glorious and very angry overlord
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Endiqua

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1656 on: May 19, 2011, 08:08:36 am »

Dear Residents of the Portal of Fierceness:

In many ways, this has been the best fortress ever.  We have more of the blue stuff than we know what to do with (what a problem to have, eh?), likewise booze and prepared food.  I frequently discover many of you military folk diligently killing off anything that comes near.  Even you marksdwarves handle things on your own.  The caverns are essentially a safe place to visit, and I find many of you loitering down there amongst the fungus.

We have breached hell and fought off the initial wave thanks to repeating spikes with the loss of only one recently arrived sacrificial miner and a baby.  (And no one even cared, although you do all seem to admire their slabs.)  No one else has come knocking from below.  The ambushes have been annihilated in mere seconds.  I have no weapon traps built around the entrance and a raising drawbridge we've never even used.  We have magma and water and sand and clay and flux and iron. 

Many of you have furniture or statues made of your favorite materials.  I even have stooped to buying some wooden furniture from the elves (at a PROFIT) simply because some of you have it on your wish list.  You civilians even have a special outfit, a new thing for me.

Time grows short for you, though, I fear.  I wanted savagery and evil and searched long for a location with a little bit of that in it, and other than the occasional werewolf, it's not happening.  Things are going so well that....I find myself growing bored and wondering what an all-savage region would be like. 

Say, I have an idea...let's make an all-blue kick-ass dining room before we go, shall we?  With a mist generator?  And then maybe let's go check out the downstairs levels to see what we can stir up...just for the Hell of it.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer who's not quite ready to let you go (but it's only a matter of time....)

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DF sets out a challenge to us with no explanation and no assistance, and each time we fail it becomes more merciless, but we continue in the hopes that we can show it, "See?  I'm doing good, right?  I kept the little men alive!  You're proud of me, right?"

Sarda

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1657 on: May 19, 2011, 08:31:55 am »

Endiqua, colonize hell.
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Endiqua

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1658 on: May 19, 2011, 08:37:23 am »

Endiqua, colonize hell.

Yeah, that's what I meant about "downstairs."   :D
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DF sets out a challenge to us with no explanation and no assistance, and each time we fail it becomes more merciless, but we continue in the hopes that we can show it, "See?  I'm doing good, right?  I kept the little men alive!  You're proud of me, right?"

Niccolo

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1659 on: May 19, 2011, 11:01:53 am »

Legendary candy dining hall in Hell. Guarded by a military of speardwarves clad in cloaks, helmets and metallic codpieces, naturally.

Dear Mountainhomes:

Thank you so, so, SO much for sending me three new miners - all at high level, too! You guys really pulled out all the stops. However, I know you send out other migrants who happen to have skills my fortress does not - but given I'm so deep in mountains that they have to ship in daylight by pack train, I don't give a flying Elven shit about fish.

Though they are replenishing my sorley-depleted military, so I guess that's a plus.

Yours sincerely,
Administrator of Streamtrades.

Dear local Goblins:

Fuck you all.

Sincerely,
The guy who will plunder your home.
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What's wrong with using magma? That's almost always the easiest method.
I have issues channeling it properly to do that method. I end up flooding the fortress with magma.
Check out my RtD!

Alternatecash

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1660 on: May 19, 2011, 11:57:09 pm »

Dear clowns,
I understand that cotton candy is delicious. This does not mean that the second I find some that you should pour out of the circus to defend it. Nor should you bypass my security by swimming up-river and up my hydropower plant. Jerks.
Irritatedly yours, the former demiurge of Moisttools.
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Corwyn

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1661 on: May 20, 2011, 05:11:34 am »

To the Dwarves of Soldierwind,

  Wow.  You are champs, seriously.

  If I knew where to begin I would do so in an orderly fashion, but I wow.

  First, our brave miners tap two lines into a cornerpiece of the circus.  How you missed the warning strands of cotton candy I'll never know and I can't ask now.  Upon breaking into the cavern, you two saw filth on the walls and over the dozens of dwarves and elves and humans, and thought the best thing to do was rush in and start cleaning!  I don't know what spurred this on, the fort's been immaculate and I suppose you didn't want the smell of stuff rotting to bother delicate noses.

  I prayed to have a small buffer of time to wall up the entry from the main stair before the fortress was doomed.  Set a spot for a wall, set a piece of floor further inside and suspend it...

  Then TERRORS FROM THE CIRCUS!x9 overwhelm the first miner.  And the farmer who decided that cleaning is what all the cool kids are doing these days and had gone down in there.  Tentacles and badness. 

  To our benefit, all non-military had been given war dogs, war lions, and war horses/mules as guards just in case someone was outside and got hit by an ambush.  The miners, given two dogs apiece, those poor pups will be missed.  They bought time but not enough for themselves or the miners.

  Chaos ensues, half the military is asleep, Clowns scare away the masons from completing their job, but our caravan from the mountainhomes was here, and their guards joined our 6 elite champions who thoughtfully grabbed weapons I had stored in the barracks next to the armor. 

  Demons are fighting the soldiers, Clowns are chasing the trader and liason around, all the fort is mobilized into the military except the trader.  He gets mason duty.  it's dangerous work, but someone has to step up and show their skill at rushing the circus armed with just a war lion as backup. 

  Animals throw themselves for their masters, insane dwarves and elves and humans spill out into the fortress, too much time at the circus can do that to you.  Repeats of demons scaring away the mason job, a death, another death, poor warbeasts!

  Then finally job completed!  The wall is up!  Clowns are put down somehow thanks to the benefit of the extra mighty caravan guards...  Trader goes back to the depot, finishes trading trinkets, goes to have a drink while I remove military status from the survivors.  The refuse pile is expanded to every exposed to sunlight surface I can find, miasma is three layers thick.  So many body parts, so many demons...  The second miner goes mad before she can start digging out a catacomb. 

  9 total deaths from the fortress dwarves, one pet cat of a recruit is found buried in the tombs.  Tantrums have de-escalated now that those upset with living beserked or went melencholy (our other miner). 

  With nothing left to fight, the military stands down, and one dies from wounds received -sparring- with those grand weapons I had bought from the last caravan in here.  A champion cut down in his prime by training accidents.

  You've done a fair job surviving this horror, clown paint is everywhere, and there's now some 20 dead wandering dwarves and elves, dead from circus injuries perhaps we've buried, the master trader has been making fine kaolite coffins since returning from break.  Though if our brewer snaps again we may be short on booze.

  To the weaponsmith, now legendary, congrats, you took those pieces of cotton candy and fashioned an artifact war hammer, studded with more cotton candy, and despite the horrors of battle, drew pictures of clouds upon the head and called it Brightnessworkers, the Deified Sea, worth 1,080,000 dorfbucks.  Yes, these were some workers shining with dwarfy determination.  Deification will take awhile to sort out, though Armok was obviously finished with his gigglefit and spared us to shed more blood later.

  To the new migrants, welcome, we hope your stay will be pleasant and you'll all be hard workers.  Don't mind the mess or smell, in fact, get to cleaning, lots of work to go around here.  To you, random tanner, you're now our sherrif.  I'll have a place and office for you shortly and some jail cells.  Don't think you're getting the artifact hammer for your job, I'll make another one for you by the new legendary smith.

~Corwyn, overseer, astounded.
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Niccolo

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1662 on: May 20, 2011, 09:28:31 am »

Dear Local Goblins;

Our correspondence these past months has been spotty at best. Your previous messenger had a bad habit of delivering
his messages via crossbow bolt, something my commander did not appreciate. He suffocated last night.

To improve communication between us, I am currently training up a team of postal workers. I hope that further talks between
us result in less dwarven blood being shed.

Also, please be so kind as to stop delivering messages to my miners.

Sincerely,
Overseer of Streamtrades.
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What's wrong with using magma? That's almost always the easiest method.
I have issues channeling it properly to do that method. I end up flooding the fortress with magma.
Check out my RtD!

jaxy15

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1663 on: May 20, 2011, 10:49:02 am »

Dear Urist McMilitiaCaptain,

Come.
ON.
You were in the lowest level of the tower during the siege.
Did you have to just rush out and attack without picking up any goddamn bolts?

Sincerely,
Angry overseer.
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xeivous

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #1664 on: May 20, 2011, 05:33:08 pm »

Dear black bears pastured in a room,

Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.

Sincerely,
Overseer
Why not make them war-bears?
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