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[Keldor]

Dear Grimmam.

Ye 'aint suppos't to ave mor e than a one beekeeper!

#Beekeepers 2, 3, 4 and 5

What makes you think there's more than one beekeeper?  Oh, incidentally Urist, you're now beekeeper 6.

-Running out of Beekeepers, Again

[Magmodeus]

Dear Urist McFireproof,

Stop running back and forth through the lava wall that is pretty much the entire fort defense to retrieve a stupid piece of clothing or whatever. I am unsure how you constantly survived being on fire, possibly due to that sweep then drown death trap water slide I made for the nobles.
 
 Sincerely, Overseer from another Dimension

[SirFellfire]

Who's the trader 'ere, you or me?  It's me, by Armok.  We kin always dig out more gems, but we canna' dig out anvils!  If'n yer dinn't want the gems ta be traded, why'd yer tell us ta haul 'em to the trading post?  And anyway, I like anvils.

actually, digging for anvils would be pretty damn cool  hematite anvil anyone?

[Hammerstar]

Attention all Urists McLazyArses:

I know you don't like drinking water. I don't blame you. But our miners just spent two seasons digging out an artificial lake and routing a river into it. That way, we'd have water when we need it, for medical reasons and if there is a disastrous booze shortage. The grate to keep out nasty stuff was put in place on time, the well was constructed six levels above the artificial lake on time, and our mechanics got the floodgate hooked up and working before we actually spilled the river into it.

Yes, it took two weeks to fill, but when it was time to shut the floodgate, why in the hell were all of you either asleep or on break? The hospital is flooded now, and it's gradually filling into the dining room, and no one has a big enough beard to wade in and shut it down? It's one damn lever pull, and the mechanisms used in the construction are more valuable than a few of your worthless lives.

Oh, and Urist McMason just sealed the entry with a nice new stone wall, locking himself and the rest of you in.

Cheers. I think I'm going to enjoy my new aquarium.

[MonkeyHead]

Dear Kib Likotiden (Cat), pet of Morul Statudib,

I agree it is an inconvenice that your owner was stabbed in the foot by a Kobold thief. However, he is enjoying convalescence in our medical wing while we await the arrival of thread and cloth to treat the wound. Filling the hospital with half dead rats and suchlike is really not helping maintain an infection free environment. I am not opening the drawbridge while 20 or so armed goblins are out there and as the fort has only been around a year we as of yet have no forces ready to fight them off. However, the garbage smasher has just become operational, be careful you ontfall in there.

Yours,

The overseer of Visionrims.

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McGrandmaster Siege Operator

You are a siege operator, you are not a hauler, a carpenter, a blacksmith, or a farmer, you are a siege operator. Your only job and only duty is to operate the balista on the rare occasion it's needed it is for that reason that you should absolutely for no reason ever have to take a break and you definitely should never ever have cause to take a break in the middle of a goddamn siege. Furthermore while first contact with the enemy is always frightening you were safely behind fortifications and straddling one of the most terrifying death machines ever devised by dwarf kind running like a frightened little girl to hide in your room was not an appropriate response. You may notice your door seems to be stuck, don't be alarmed, for your safety we have locked you in your room to keep goblins or butterflies from startling you. For your further safety you may notice a hole being carved in your roof, this hole will be used to fill your room with say twenty cave crocodiles to protect you until the siege ends. Enjoy your newfound safety.

Sincerely, that voice that tells you to stop doing stupid things.

[Wannazzaki]

Dear Urists, please when i unleash hell into my fort by puncturing a hollow spire, please refrain from rushing down to recover that shiny pickaxe, the syndrome which rots away your nervous system and leaves you a vegitable cannot be cured even by the fantastic health care we have. Also your friends will not be coming out from behind that bridge gate, nor will we be making effort to recover them.

Sincerely, The Overseer

[Callista]

Dear Urist McPeasant,
Please stop eating your meals in the Duke's personal dining room. I will not be held responsible for any repercussions.

Dear Cat Mc... uh, Cat,
I saw you adopting that newborn baby. I don't know what you're up to, but I am watching you.

-The Overseer

[Eric Blank]

Dear Urist McGhosts,
Sorry I accidentally atomsmashed your corpses, but it's your fault nobody can remember who the hell you are and thus cannot make a memorial. Stop alarming the populace.

Dear Urist McSoldiers,
Stop becoming Urist McGhosts. We won't memorialize you. Also, there are only 8 of you left, and there is no chance of surviving the next siege if the traps fail and even one of you isn't at their station.

Dear Hostile Besieging Forces,
Truce?

Sincerely, Overseer of Dragonward.

[keyreper]

All dwarfs of the new earth civilization

it has come to my attention that Urist, the miner, has died because of Enod's, the mayor, tantrum spiral, please make sure you dont vote for a insane dwarf covered in rot next year.

from your mayor,
Enod

(there is rot at the bottom of the paper)

[Orky_Boss]

Dear Urist MC Militia Commander,

While I am glad you enjoy your job, please do not go into a tantrum spiral because I relived you from duty. You're lucky all you caused was cutting open the expedition leader's foot and smashing the toe of one of the miners.

Sinceraly,
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Orky_Boss,

I wanted to be relieved dammit! Not have to relive the whole damn thing all over again!

And screw his foot.

~Angry Militia Commander

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Urist McHouseLegendaryDiagnostician,

Being the only person out of the entire migrant wave I didn't draft to try (and fail) to kill the snakemen ambushers, you should probably run to the gate so I can let you i- oh, well, nevermind...

We'll glue you back together when those snakemen leave...

~Overseer

[Orky_Boss]

Dear Orky_Boss,

I wanted to be relieved dammit! Not have to relive the whole damn thing all over again!

And screw his foot.

~Angry Militia Commander

Dear Militia Commander,

Watch your tongue, dwarf. Do you like being stuck in your bedroom without food or water? If not, I suggest you shut up.

Sinceraly,
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader, who is starting to thing about how long it would take to find magma and pump it into the fort.

[Loud Whispers]

Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader, who is starting to thing about how long it would take to find magma and pump it into the fort.

HUURRR DUUR FOUND IT
*Pulls lever*

~Urist Mc!!FUN!!