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[Supermikhail]

Guys, help out? - http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=111950.0 Or comment?

[AlStar]

Page 2? That shouldn't be.


For some content - I'm currently working on a collection of short stories, mostly by taking old works and attacking them with a red pen.

Here's one of the updated stories: (~770 words)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It’s cold; so cold.
The wind howls from somewhere nearby, its icy claws slashing my arms and face.
My eyes are thick and heavy.
They open to a scene of contrasts – black and white.
The room is small, claustrophobic. Most of it is dark like the inside of a cave; so dark that I cannot see myself, am reduced to a pair of disembodied eyes floating in the night. A single doorway cuts through one of the walls, allowing a single rectangle of bright white light to fall into the room. In it, I can see that walls and floor are made of featureless concrete. Snowdrifts, dazzling in the light, stand around the entrance like sentries.
Stumbling, I stand, and make six stiff steps towards the doorway, leaning against it heavily with my numb hands. My eyes squint into the light outside.
In front of me is hallway with a concrete floor, bordered with a convex concrete half-wall. Beyond that is empty space, then, in the distance, a concave half-wall. The hallway curves in a way that is barely perceptible to either side of me. Snow lies heavily on the ground.
Stepping out of the room, I stagger against the low wall. Far above me, the sky is black and starless. Closer, but still immensely high, are brilliant spotlights that cast down pure light, highlighting each and every one of the millions of snowflakes that swirl in the air. I look down; concrete walls, studded with the openings of countless more corridors below in tiers of concentric circles. Far, far below is a flat place, mostly in shadow, covered in snow.
The wind quiets for a moment, and in the still silence that follows, another sound can be heard – the weeping of a child. Scanning the tiers below, I see her – a child of perhaps twelve, wavy black hair, in a long black frilly dress, sitting on one of the half walls, her bare feet hovering over the drop below. Her skin is a pale alabaster, nearly as white as the snow that surrounds her, except around her eyes, which are the red of a dark wine. Heavy sobs emerge from her, causing her entire body to shake like a leaf.
I try to call out to her, but the wind picks up again, and my words are lost in its ceaseless bellowing.
Turning, I start to move along the corridor, the snow crunching under my feet. The shadows in the corners are absolute. I feel eyes watching me, but spinning around does nothing but kick up snow, and nearly cause me to trip.
Finally I come to an opening, and can see stairs leading up and down. I follow them down, around and around, until I am on the level where I saw the girl.
Leaving the staircase, I step out of the doorway and can see the girl, directly across from me, still sitting on the edge of the wall, facing towards me, although she does not seem to see me. From both sides, I can hear the girl’s sobs echoing wetly. Momentarily indecisive, I turn right, then left, before settling on right and trudging along the hall.
Although the corridor looks exactly the same as the one I just left, the shadows here seem fuller, darker, and more prevalent.
The sobs grow louder as I approach, until I turn a final corner and they suddenly stop, leaving only the sound of the wind’s twisting and turning.
I can see the girl; she is still sitting on the ledge of the wall, but is now turned towards the inside of the structure, facing the smooth blank wall in front of her. She is no longer weeping. She does not even appear to be breathing. Her red-rimmed eyes stare vacantly, unfocused. The snow on either side of her appears to be untouched.
I step towards her, uncertainty slowing my steps.
Her eyes swivel towards me, directed on my approach.
It feels like the shadows around me are growing. The feeling of being watched from all directions is overwhelming.
She’s close now, almost in arms’ reach. She has not moved, except for her eyes, which continue to track me.
Delicately, I raise my hand, and touch her shoulder, unsure of what I had hoped this would accomplish.
Her mouth opens, glistening white teeth set against a black void.
A voice rings out from her, but not her own – it is deep, forbidding, long dead and buried, “I don’t like being touched.”
The shadows raise up around me, enveloping me, blotting out everything, everything except for the soft sound of snow hitting the ground.
It’s cold, so cold.

Any comments welcome.

[WillowLuman]

Here's a short story I started, just the beginning:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The noose felt warm on his neck, one of the few warmths that day. Elmen also remembered that it felt loose, not what he had expected. He supposed that in a moment it would feel far too tight, but then he wouldn't have to feel anything after that. It was breezy that day, the kind of chilly day where you had to hold your clothes against you for a while before they were warm. The crowd all stared up at him. They waited for what they had all come for, to see a man die so that they could feel safe for another day, feel that the law kept them safe.

You could never trust in your expectations. That was the one thing that had held true throughout his life. This morning was no exception. Elmen expected that he'd walk into the city, pawn his coat, and use the money to get a stagecoach ride back to Grathe. It didn't seem like an unreasonable expectation. How was he supposed to know he'd be walking right into a townshake? It had seemed like a very boring, dreary, but non-threatening morning. The early fog had been thick, the road still turned to mud from the night moisture. Coming into the small town there seemed to be a few people about. Not a whole lot, but plenty, all seeming like they were usually awake around this time but wished they weren't.

They'd given him some odd looks when he came in. Elmen had assumed that it was just the usual minor surprise at seeing a stranger; the kind of look he'd seen in small towns everywhere. Wasn't every day that someone from somewhere else had a reason to come to your village, after all. So he'd just continued on his way. The town was tiny, with old, beaten cobbles in the street which badly needed replacing. Despite the smallness, he'd had trouble finding somewhere that looked like it would buy a coat.

So he leaned up against the vent on that building where the warm air was coming out. And the girl had leaned her head out the window. You heard about this happening more and more. Small towns and villages that were undefended, started to feel nervous. Got paranoid. There were the rumors going around about Unseen plots. One attack out of nowhere and people just no longer trusted anyone they didn't know. He didn't know how many times he'd heard the story before. The town would be so scared, then some poor person would walk right in and startle them with the smallest thing. Pretty soon it turned into a full-on townshake and like frenzied horses the people wound stamp the traveler into the ground until he was no more.

The girl had seen him, then she had screamed like a hen whose coop had been kicked. Elmen had whirled around to see what the trouble was, seeing the white stenciled letters on the brick building; CITY GAS SUPPLY.

[schrocko88]

Part 2 of the story I submitted before.   ^_^

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

   "Connor? Connor? Rebecca, come quick I think he is waking!"
   Connor's head was pounding. He tried to sit up, but rough hands pushed down on his bare chest.
   "Oh no you don't, you stay right there. Don't move or it will only get worse."
   He recognized the voice of Rebecca, the town healer. He calmed down and, with eyes closed, he took stock of his surroundings. He could hear the crackle of the fire, smell the drying herbs. He could feel the rough wool on his back, scratching him. Sounds of people came from outside the door.
   "The whole towns in an uproar, you know?" said Rebecca, "They say you caused quite a stir at the inn."
   "Oh aye," said a girl, who Connor knew to be April, the granddaughter, and apprentice, of Rebecca. "I heard he did it because the man was trying to hurt Kimil. He must really love her."
   "He probably does, though he'd never admit it. He's just a young one."
   Rebecca was working some leaves into a pulp as they spoke. Then, adding water, she walked over and put the bowl to Connor's lips.
   "Drink up, lad, it'll be alright," She said gently "How are you feeling?"
   "Ugh, my head," moaned Connor. "What happened?"
   "You stopped that man from hurting Kimil," April explained to him, "Don't you remember?"
   "I don't remember anything."
   In fact, Connor could remember everything. Clearly. He saw that the sun was just rising out the window. I must have slept through the night, he thought.
   "Wha- What day is it?" He asked.
   "It is Friday, lad," replied Rebecca.
   "But that means-" He began, looking astonished.
   "Yes, you have been out for three days."
   This is crazy, he thought. Well, I have to get home.
   "I must go home now, Rebecca, but thank you for everything."
   "Are you sure you can make it, lad?" She asked in a caring tone.
   "Yeah. . . I'm fine. Thanks"
   "Well. . . if your sure, then go out the back door, we don't want that mob outside buggering you."
   "Yeah, okay," He said, it was a good idea after all. "Thanks for everything."
   April cracked the back door open a bit and, after checking for people waiting , slipped out and started off towards his fathers farm. His father was one of the two big farmers that supplied the town with crop. 
   "There you are!" a girl called from the woods lining the path he was on. It was Kimil. She stepped out and rushed to him. "I've been waiting for you."
   "Why didn't you wait outside Rebecca's like everyone else?"
   "Because, if I had, then I wouldn't have known you left at all."
   Smart move, he thought. "True, true." he said aloud.
   "Thank you, Connor. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." She said, and followed that with a quick kiss on his cheek.
   Blushing, he said "Oh. . . Ah . . it was nothing, really."
   "Ha, nothing? You were unconscious for three days because of me."
   "Oh that reminds me, did he ever comeback." Connor asked.
   "No, we haven't seen hide nor hair of him since."
   They walked down the path in silence for a while. He saw a flower, a red tulip, on the ground and bent to pick it up. Then just continued walking with it. He suddenly turned to Kimil and kissed her, she was so shocked she didn't have time to respond. Then he put the tulip in her long black hair. Her blue, innocent, eyes watered a bit.
   "Connor. . ." She started, but he interrupted with a kiss. This time she kissed back.
   At this point they were in front of his house, and from the window they heard.
   "Oh, Connor is kissing a girl!!" It was his little brother, Eric.
   "What! Connor's home?" He heard his mothers shrill voice.
   "Good, he has to tell us what has happened." His uncle boomed.
   He turned to Kimil, and gently kissing her again, said, "Go, before they catch us."
   She turned and took off at a trot south. When he got inside his uncle was waiting at the table, with a tankard of ale in his hand. His mother was pouring the last of the food into a bowl for him.
   "Here," She said handing it to him, "you must be famished."
   "He can eat after he tells me this story." said his uncle.
   And so Connor sat down and, in front of his mother, uncle and a wide eyed brother, begun to spin his tale.
         *   *   *   *   *   *   *

[Tsuchigumo550]

Going to post a very small bit (a few paragraphs) of the story I'm writing- a future war, cold-war gone hot. The plot is  a kind of "But wait, who's playing who?" deal.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

-A few Russian soldiers sit in a bar, the air somewhat hazy but the atmosphere warm. Just outside, a blizzard raged. -

Sanya, after resting her oversized sniper rifle carefully against the table, looked at her cards. Although she wasn't much of a fan of blackjack, she didn't have much else to do.

She had 18, total. Quickly running the cards she'd seen out, she figured she had two or three chances at getting a card she needed out of a myriad of others. Still, she also knew that an 18 likely wouldn't cut it, and she really didn't feel like paying for any drinks tonight.

"We should be playing poker. The only skill involved in this game is luck."
Sanya's voice was softer than all of her male counterparts yet had a force that could cut sheet metal. When she wanted attention, she could get it.
"Let's at least finish out the deck. You can still bluff, or is this just another way of doing it?"
Sanya chuckled. "You know me well enough to decide for yourself."

Sanya and the other soldiers- some she knew, some new faces, idly chattered over their game. Sanya lost a good number of hands, but only because she couldn't- she only once went over. When that game was over, Sanya sat back and waited for the poker game to start.

"You know, a good poker face isn't just good at a bar table."
"Is that so, Sanya? I'm sure there's a story behind this one."
"Of course."

Sanya began her story, the other men around her listening intently. Sanya had quite a name for herself after all- enough confirmed kills to fill a morgue. That, and the rumors she had taken down a combat drone with only her rifle.

"This was a while back, right about the time this war went hot. Three years, I think? Anyway, I was still acting as a free agent back then, and had holed myself up in the hospital of a ruined town. I had the whole setup too- when intel informed me of some soldiers coming my way, I had already laid my traps. I waited for them to appear, you know, anxious like when you suddenly can't find an enemy that was there 2 seconds ago. That, and a certain feeling most call bloodlust. I was itching to pull that trigger.

That's when I saw them- a damn Engineer Corps squad. They had a Humvee, but most of the men were walking with it. I lined up a clear shot on the driver, but thought better of it. When you're alone like that, giving yourself away so early is like hinging your bets on nothing better than pairs..."

Sanya laid down her cards. She had triple 5s, and no one could beat it. Raking in her winnings, she awaited the next hand.

"So I took aim at one of the guys in the back. He had a bunch of equipment on him, but it sure wasn't enough to save him from a .50 caliber round between his eyes.

Sure enough, he fell. The others barely noticed because of the humvee engine, but i guess part of the equipment broke or something, so someone turned. I shot him in the chest, and he went down. Unfortunately for me, this had caused enough commotion to alert everyone- I retreated back into the hospital room I was in."

Another round went by. Sanya didn't win anything, but only lost a small bit of her earnings thus far.

"When I went back to my scope, I noticed that the bastards were still at it. They had moved the dead guys out of the way, one was messing with the equipment, three or so moved the crates, and another three kept watching all the buildings. I knew that it would be risky to fire, but I had backup measures.

See, beforehand, I set up a lot of C4 under a fairly untouched vehicle. I set up a different rifle- whatever it was, it was semi-automatic, and set up an electronic motor and sensor to set off the C4 when I sent the "fire" command from my laptop. It took a while to set up, but I'd love to see the reaction on those engineer's faces.

Another trap I set up was a tripwire. Across one of the paths to the hospital, I rigged up two AKs to fire when the string broke."

Sanya paused. She waited for questions, but the old veterans who heard some of her other stories didn't have any. None of this was too far fetched, and Sanya herself loved to tinker with machines of all kinds. In fact, she made her own toaster our of car scraps.

"So I fired the dummy rifle, and the car was sent flying. The big blast diverted their attention for long enough for me to pick off three of them before backing off. I got the guy with the equipment and those two on outlook. Conting them up, I saw they had maybe 5-7 people left.

They cracked open the box, but the angle was just so, so I couldn't see what it was. A third guy had the balls to get the equipment again, before hiding behind the Humvee. If there's one thing about engineers that pisses me off, it's that they're too smart. They knew about where the bullets were coming from now, but I still could get his arm."

Sanya's attention to the game was unwavering, and she was staking larger and larger claims. Some of the guys were already betting off things other than money.

"Next thing I know, they pull this shiny metal drone out of the box. It's one of those old ones that no one sees anymore, those "Aurora" class drones? Yeah. This one looked like it had been hastily made combat ready, with a high-power machinegun mounted on the shoulder. The other "weaponry" was all demolition equipment. I admit- I broke a sweat on this one."

Even the guys who didn't know Sanya by anything but legend chuckled at this one, despite that they were losing the very shirts off their backs.

"So I aim down my sights right before they can get the thing online and pick off two more of the guys trying to pull the drone from it's box. By now, I know they have a good idea of where I am, so I take my rifle and move. I still don't remember anything but thinking that "tactical retreat is better than drones."

Sanya folded that turn, forfeiting a good bit of what she'd won. It was still nothing against the winnings she had, though.

"So I go up close to the roof, where I know I can rappel down the other side because of a window I saw on my trap-making ventures. Once everything's reset, I see that the drone is coming my way and the other guys were surveying the area pretty well. Having moved, I had one opportunity- I backed off, reloaded my rifle, and got ready again. I must've gotten too excited, and one of the bastards saw me. I picked him off, then two others, before seeing the last guy duck behind cover. I fired at the equipment guy, missing one shot but seeing a splash of red for the next. I pulled the magazine free and began to reload it."

"Already a two-on-one game, huh? You always did have it in for those engineers."

"I hate them with burning passion. Anyway, since it's getting late, I'll wrap this up.

The one lone guy gets in the Humvee, and the controller of the drone gets in the back. The drone cruises right next to them the whole time.
The driver manages to get right in my trap, causing the AK-47s to go off. The back was riddled with holes, but he was otherwise OK. I resumed my position on the rifle in time to see him running around to the back. Nowhere near enough time to get the shot.

Then he sends that damned drone after me. Or, more correctly, on the building. Using those fists, the ones that tear through buildings? Those. They start hammering away at the hospital I'm in, so I take my rifle and laptop and get to rappellin'. 
I get down in time to see part of the front and side collapse. I take my rifle and sneak around the other side, where the drone still won't see me."

Sanya looks over the last card in her hand, without a twitch or any sign of emotion. She wore that frown she always had, a kind of frown that conveyed not sadness but a general apathy.

"I take aim at the guy- he's soaked in blood, probably from the other guy, and working the controls like crazy. I made him stop, by putting metal in his brain. The drone stops, and I call for an evac chopper. I think everything is going to be fine, of course, but I did get a pretty nasty scar that day."

The table was silent, the game on pause, waiting for Sanya to say something.

"Bastard hadn't bled out yet. The guy in the back, where I decided to rest, cuts me in the back with a knife. I manage to wrestle it from him and stab him in the heart, but not without a really tough fight. I mean, this guy was really strong even without his arm."

One of the rookies spoke up.

"You say you hit his arm?"
"I know I did. Saw the wound up close."
"No way that's true. No one could survive that."

"Are you sure?"
Sanya stood from the table, turned her back, and let her shirt fall down enough to reveal most of her back. Down it, diagonally from one shoulderblade into the small of her back, was a white, jagged line.

"I told you I hated engineers."

Sanya put on her coat and left, wordlessly.

"But- No way, that's just not possible."

"Maybe not, but she's done the impossible too. Maybe karma got her."

"Yeah. I know the legends. It's... really hard to believe."

"She's not a liar. Speaking of which, look at her cards. I want to know just how good her so called "poker face" is."

The guys turned her cards over, leaning over the pile of things the guys were risking. Most of it was the last thing some of them had left to bet.

They revealed a royal flush, which would have gotten Sanya every last item from the betting pool for that night.

"I guess she dosen't think of us as engineers, huh?"

[Dracken]

What do you guy's think about this piece of fanfiction?I'm having trouble trying to get to the scenes i want to.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It was cold,Luke realized as he woke up,that Realization was quickly followed by pain from his skull,where the wampa had hit him,he remembered.Looking up he saw his leg,and his light saber,stuck inside the top of the ice covered cave."Hmm,so you'r finally awake,are you boy."Luke startled and looked around for where the voice came from.

 "Where are you? Show yourself!" "Calm yourself down boy,i'm right here." The voice said,from in front of him this time.He looked up and saw a man like figure standing in front of him.He looked closer and saw that the figure had orange skin,yellow Eyes,and was semi bald.The figure was wearing Black robes and from what Luke could see,had armor of some sort underneath it."Who are you,and what are you?"Luke asked."I am a Force Ghost,and more importantly,i have a way to help you."The force ghost said."I don't need your help."Luke said."On the contrary,you do.See,that light saber of your's up there is too deep in the for you,or your force powers to wrench out at the moment,and by my calculations, that Wampa will be back in about 2 hours."

After a few moments Luke answered him. "What do you want?" The ghost answered back."I want a new body." Luke looked back up and said."I wont give you my body!" "I don't want you to give me your body,i know of a ritual that will combine our 2 bodies,personalities,etc,and make us infinatly more powerful."The ghost said."And when we merge i will help your friends bring down that wannabe Empire."

"What do you mean wannabe Empire?The Empire is the strongest empire ever recorded!"Luke said."Ha,kid back in my day,i was the ruler of the strongest empire ever."The Ghost said."Sure you were,Old Man,"Luke said."Now how do we do this?"For the next hour or so Luke and the Ghost practiced the technique until Luke trusted the ghost,who called himself Tenebrae,completely.

"Alright,its time." The Ghost said.The 2 began to reach out to each other in the force,Luke shined with the light side of the force,while the Ghost glowed a dull grey,at least that was on Luke's first glance,if he had looked back he would have seen a darkness beginning to manifest through an illusion.

The two linked together in the force and started to merge.At first all Luke could feel from the Ghost during the merge was a balance in the Force,Then he began to feel the Dark side all around him."What is this?!?!"He cried. "What happened is that you'r gullible kid."Tenebrae's not so familiar voice said."I've been waiting for centuries for a kid like you to come here."Tenebrae said."You know that Empire i told you about kid?It was a Sith Empire."He said."What!!,but i didn't even feel the Dark side coming from you!" "Oh,that's right,i forgot to mention that when I was alive I was a master of force illusions." Tenebrae gloated."But what about what you said,about helping my friends destroy the empire!"Luke cried out.

"Oh,don't worry about that,ill honor that promise,just because you helped give me a new body."Tenebrae said."Now if i'm right,we should be done right NOW!!"Tenebrae yelled out,and there was a bright flash of light.Once the light vanished Tenebrae look at himself in the ice.He now had black hair with a golden streak running down the middle,muscles,and the clothes Skywalker had on him."Alright,not that i'm done looking myself over,its time to get out of here."Pointing his hands at the ceiling,Tenebrae used the force to wrench the light saber from the ice holding it and guided it into his left hand.Pointing the lightsaber at the ice holding his leg up he ignited it and started burning it away.

10 minutes later he fell feet first onto the ground and heard something stomping around outside."Ah,the Wampa must be back,alright,practice time." he ran into the darkest corner of the cave he could find and waited for the beast to enter,10 minutes later the animal came in dragging the mutilated corpse of a rebel soldier.Waiting for it to turn around, Tenebrae readied a blast of force storm.Tenebrae stepped out of the shadows in in front of the creature,the beast charged him and Tenebrae blasted it with the Charged Force Storm,frying the creature almost instantly and creating a strong smell of ozone.Tenebrae kept blasting the snowy animal for 5 minutes,then stopped."Alright,it seems my power has increased significantly,i had to hold myself back from atomizing the thing.Grabbing the head of the Wampa,Tenebrae began skinning the thing and kept the fur and skin he could salvage while putting the burnt pieces a couple of feet to the left.When he was done he started connecting the skin together to make himself a cloak.When he did that he went back to the rebel soldiers corpse and looked it over. "No shielding unit...only seems to have a blaster,not even a good one at that...no sword...Instead of technology going forward,all it did was go backward."He thought to himself.Going back to the corpse,he began to cut bits and pieces of it up,while he was doing that he was also using the force to scoop a small hole out of the ground and used the force to pick up the burnt peices of skin and put them into the hole.When got done cutting the wampa up, he threw it into the hole.

 Grabbing the soldiers gun he shot into the hole and started a fire.*10 Minutes later* After he got finished eating he went back to the soldiers corpse and took his helmet off.After a few minutes of tinkering he managed to find the com links and listened in. "Where's Jacques...what ... missing...bl...ody...footprints.A voice in the com link said. "Wha...Walker...missing?da.." "Seems like i'd better get going." Tenebrae said to himself.Getting up and grabbing his cloak,Tenebrae set out.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Echo Base
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leia was in the Hanger,waiting to see if anybody would find Luke Skywalker.When she saw Wedge Antilles, Luke's friend ride in on one of the Air speeders she immediately went to ask him if there had been news."um Wedge,right?" She asked him. He turned around and saw her "Yes,and you must be Leia Organa."He said."Yes, i am.Excuse but has their been any news on Luke?"She asked."No,Miss Organa,we did find a trail of blood and a shallow trench where something had been dragged."

[Fishbreath]

My pedantry on when it comes to grammar has softened over the years, but when you're writing fiction, you owe it to the readers to follow the conventions they're expecting (unless you're good and/or famous enough to violate them). I'm not trying to be accusatory or mean, but at the same time, I feel called present a quick refresher...

Spoiler: On the Grammatical Rules of Dialog; or, a Treatise by Example (click to show/hide)

"I'm just talking normal," he said (note comma and lowercase pronoun).
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to say something without an explicit dialog verb and then narrate an action!" She stuck her tongue out at him, capitalizing her pronoun as she did.
"I'm going to respond in a stereotypical fashion, using a nonstandard dialog verb to convey my tone," he sighed.
"Is that so?" she replied, the dialog verb forcing a lowercase pronoun despite the traditionally sentence-ending punctuation in her line.

@schrocko: not bad. You have a tendency to use lots of synonyms for 'said', which is a stylistic choice I disagree with. Each individual use of 'said' is a bit bland, but if you make a habit of using it preferentially, other dialog words stand out much more when you use them. In the end, I think you come out ahead on zest by being stingy with the dialog tags.

@Tsuchigumo: there were a few points where I thought your phrasing was a bit awkward. If you want I can go line-by-line and find them again. More generally, I thought Sanya's diction was off: she told the story sort of like she was the narrator in a written story, and although (as TVtropes says) realistic diction is unrealistic, you tend to describe things differently when you tell a story orally. The part that stuck out to me was "Having moved, I had one opportunity [...]" It's not terribly common to open with a participle phrase in conversational English, and participle phrases in conversational Russian are, as I understand it, practically unheard of. That said, the story and the milieu reminded me of something I read in a compilation of science fiction war stories, and if you were aiming for a bleak tone you're right on.

@HugoLuman: you absolutely nailed the opening line. You use 'that day' again in the next sentence or two, and could probably leave it out there. Later on, you say, "it was just the usual minor surprise at seeing a stranger," and although I don't usually say much on word choice for fear of inserting my voice into someone else's story, I don't like 'minor surprise' at all. It's too clinical. 'Mild surprise' expresses the same quantity of it, and 'mild' has connotations of gentleness and harmlessness, too.

[Willfor]

@schrocko: not bad. You have a tendency to use lots of synonyms for 'said', which is a stylistic choice I disagree with. Each individual use of 'said' is a bit bland, but if you make a habit of using it preferentially, other dialog words stand out much more when you use them. In the end, I think you come out ahead on zest by being stingy with the dialog tags.

The best reasoning I've heard for this is because "said" becomes invisible to the mind as you're reading. Ideally, the dialogue itself should be able to stand without embellishment from a different tag so that the tag at the end is a courtesy at best. When you encounter a dialogue tag that isn't "said" it forces your brain to process it, and it has the chance of throwing you out of the moment. A dialogue tag other than "said" is rarely worth the additional thought expense when the reader should be thinking entirely about the dialogue that is going on, or the actions surrounding it.

It's the difference between stained glass and windshield glass. If the poetry (stained glass, the words themselves are what is important) is the focus then you can get away with it. If the story (windshield glass, what's behind the words -- the story you're trying to tell -- is important) is the focus, then you can only rarely get away with it. Perfecting even one of these approaches takes years of work; trying to be good at the poetry and story at the same time is a maddening effort with only a few masters comparatively.

[Fishbreath]

Right-- that was exactly the point I was trying to make, but I don't do a lot of writing about writing. Thanks for expanding on it.

[Fishbreath]

So, I'm careening toward finally publishing a novelette (currently posted in draft form at Many Words) as an e-book, and that means I have to come up with some supporting material. Probably the most important bit is the cover, so I fired up Inkscape and tried my hand at something minimalist. I guess I could hardly escape showing my name for too much longer, so: can I ask your feedback?

Spoiler: Cover (click to show/hide)

I've had a few possibilities mentioned by friends I've bounced it off of already:
1. Give the seal some damage texture.
2. Add some text somewhere in the seal's vicinity to mention that it's for the Confederate military.
3. Fiddle with the stars in the outer ring of the seal a bit; they seem like they could do with being just a hair further out in the circle, as annoying as that is to do.

The aliasing on the stars is because I was lazy and rendered at a small size. I don't think it'll show up when it's resized down from the giant size Smashwords recommends.

[AlStar]

I don't like that the black band only gets about 85% across the image - I think it should go all the way across.

I also don't think that the stark black and white is working. If it's a book that relates to the Confederacy, maybe make the stars white, the outer ring blue, on a red field?

My 2c, anyway. I'll admit that I've never claimed to be a graphics artist.

[Fishbreath]

Different Confederacy, and I kinda like the stark black and white as a thematic nod to a fairly bleak tale about a war in space, but I'll try extending the title block all the way across and seeing how I feel about it.

Maybe I should ask the engravers guild.

[quinnr]

I don't like that the black band only gets about 85% across the image - I think it should go all the way across.

I also don't think that the stark black and white is working. If it's a book that relates to the Confederacy, maybe make the stars white, the outer ring blue, on a red field?

My 2c, anyway. I'll admit that I've never claimed to be a graphics artist.

Yeah, I think it would look a little bit better if the band went across the whole page thing as well. I do think that the black and white makes it stand out, but just a wee bit of texture on it would make it a little more noticeable and memorable.

Anyways, do you people look at poetry? Here's a poem I wrote earlier this year...all of my peers enjoyed it, but I'd like to know if other people enjoy it as well. I saw it lying around my USB drive and thought I'd share.

Spoiler: Turkish Delight (click to show/hide)

I saw him frolicking in the snow,
and I knew he had to go.
I beat him all about the head,
until I found him fully dead.

Now I have something to confide:
my tummy had a deep rumbling inside.
I couldn't wait another hour,
he I just needed to devour.

First I removed his hide,
then I took him for a ride.
I shoved him in the giant oven
after I gave him some marinade lovin'.

With a "ding" the corpse is done;
time to put it on a bun.
Oh how I just cannot wait,
to digest this delicious plate.

I'm beginning to feel quite lean,
think that I'll start with the spleen.
Though I really have no taste for grains,
I'd really love a side of brains.

And I truly think I will not grow,
if I don't nibble off this toe!
But I am starting to feel kind of ill,
my stomach has finally began to fill!

The police are coming; I start to frown,
now is the time to flee the town.
But how great it was on this night,
to eat a bite of Turkish Delight.

[Lieber]

Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion. Here it is:

Tales of Dilavia: The Prophecy

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

PART I
         

      Chapter 1: the world and a priest.

      Lieber woke up after a long and uncomfortable boat trip, that was due to arrive to Forg much earlier. He wasn’t a very influential person. He was a Priest, not one that had much word in religious or political matters, but only one that wished to spread the word of, what he considered, the truth.

     The Earth was divided in two continents: Dilavia, where Humans live and prosper, and Driak, where the Dark Elves live. Little is known about Driak and the Dark Elves since the distance between the two continents is really high and the only Humans to have gone there have never returned. Dilavia however is composed of three different countries: Forg, where the story takes place, Aeli and Brai.
     Politically, the three different countries are ruled by three different kings, and one oversees them all. The King of Forg has for name . Aeli, doesn’t have a King but a Queen named after the Goddess Aela of Assassins and Brai has for King Irab The Illustrious.
      The people of Dilavia are polytheists, believing in nine Gods, not so different from Greek Mythology in our world. The Gods are Aela the Assassin, Born the Paladin, Dren the Thief, Natura the Tree Lover, Krios the Necromancer, Aegis the Guard of Gods, Jial the Priest, Grin the Neutral and Quil the Builder.
       The Boat Lieber traveled on came to a stop: he had arrived at the capital of Forg. However, war had ravaged the city and most of the clan strongholds (based on their god) were in ruin or in the middle of reconstruction. But Lieber had come here for one reason: finding the ruins of the Priest Temple.

         Chapter 2: The Paladin.

     Lieber got out of the boat, still groggy and took his first step in the city. The summer wind brought the scent of trees and the sound of hard working people. However he knew that this city wasn’t that beautiful. Since the Forg-Brai War, the King hadn’t that much money left to rebuild the capital, so today the city itself has been rebuilt but not the Strongholds. The first thing Lieber did was to ask around and see if he could find a map. Fortunately, the people of the city were kind, and a Builder gave him a map that he no longer used.
    The middle of the city had most of the information on the whereabouts, the King’s Castle, a few hotels and restaurants, and the Tree House, not exactly a stronghold but still the place where the Tree Lover Clan stayed. At the East, the road seemed to be blocked off. He asked what was the problem over there but the only answers he got were: “Bad place to be fellow” or “Don’t ask, you’ll attract less problems”.
       He was intrigued so he left to the East, keeping a knife under his sleeve just in case. After walking a long road he noticed a small cabin that seemed abandoned. But as he walked over and looked at the sign, it was too late. Three men jumped out of the trees surrounding the cabin and pointed their bows, except one who approached him with a knife in his hand and started talking to the poor priest:
“Give us your money priest!” the man said.
Lieber tried to talk his way out.
    “Why would I have any money dear friend, I am only a Priest spreading the word of Jial!
      -You are lying. I smell the scent of money on you and you wouldn’t be keeping that knife in your sleeve unless you had something to protect! Give us your pouch and you will leave unharmed!” the thief responded.

Lieber was in trouble, and he started to walk slowly away but another of the thiefs jumped behind him. He was cornered, he couldn’t believe he let his curiosity take over him. He closed his eyes, ready to take the blow when out of nowhere a woman in cyan colored armor jumped on the thief with the knife and removed his head right off of his shoulders and ran to the two other thieves holding the bows. Lieber took advantage of this moment to jump out of the way and hide into the bushes while the woman slayed the other thieves. He couldn’t believe his eyes, a woman wearing heavy armor but still managing to perform acrobatic moves between each thief and in moments they all dropped dead on the ground. He was afraid that she would kill him but in fact she did the exact opposite, by approaching him and helping him get off the ground.

     “You were in trouble there sir, those thieves would have killed you if I didn’t come earlier, are you okay?”
Lieber was still under the shock be was able to form a correct sentence.
     “Why… Yes I am fine thanks to you, but forgive me for asking this so directly but… who are you?”
The woman seemed amused, she removed her helmet, showing her long brown hair and looked straight into his eyes.
      “I am a Paladin. You didn’t recognize the armor?” she said smiling.
Lieber felt ashamed, he knew everything about the Clans and the Gods but wasn’t able to tell who she was.
       “Well, I have to go know, write to my mentor that I killed a few thieves, If you want to talk you can always come by to Paladin Tower”.
She turned around and started walking away when Lieber finally decided to ask what was her name. She simply answered: “You can call me Pheonix”.


   chapter 3: Going Underground.

           Lieber arrived to a place named Tower Hotel due to it’s proximity to the Paladin Tower. He remembered that it was the only Clan Stronghold to have sustained minimal damage during the war. The Paladins were known to have been elite fighters during that war and know try to get rid of the most notable enemies of the city: the Thief Clan and the Assassin Clan.
           There has always been conflict between clans but they were the order of the world. There was balance. And the only clan to have been fully wiped out was the Necromancer Clan during the Coup of Y12 (all events happen after the Arventus Rebellion that was a struggle to bring society equal. It is at that moment where Dilavia adopts the Religion of the Nine and create the clans.) where the Necromancers planned to kill the King Aerin the Brave but ultimately failed because of the Paladins, that completely obliterated the Necromancer Clan after that.
             Lieber looked up at the tower, lit up and seemed full of activity. He opened the door of the hotel.  A few people were still inside having drinks. He mostly found Builders and Guards, due to the fact that the other clans lived either in houses or their strongholds, no matter how damaged they were. He asked the hotel owner for a room just for the night since he wasn’t planning on staying long. Just a quick trip to the ruined Priest Temple to find old books precious for the Clan. There were strongholds all over the continent, but Lieber never really stayed in one place, he stopped at one place to work and left for another a few days later. These books were to be brought back to Maltot in Aeli, he tried to avoid doing work between Forg and Brai since there were still tensions. He entered the room, put his pouch and bag on the table and lied down on the bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

      The next day, he woke up early, eager to meet that woman, Pheonix, in the Tower. He took his belongings, making sure he had left nothing behind and left the Hotel. The road to Paladin Tower wasn’t easy, he had to go down stone stairs that led to an odd looking bridge and then climbed up the ladder leading to the door of the Stronghold. The difficult path  was probably the reason why the Brai soldiers weren’t able to destroy the Tower. He got to the front door, tired and knocked. Suprisingly, Pheonix was the one who opened up and smiled.
   “Hello there.
    -Good morning madam!
    -Just call me Pheonix, and now that I think of it, what’s your name?
    -I’m Lieber.
    -Lieber? Please come in, tell me of your business in this, once, beautiful city?”
And so, Lieber told her about his travels and how his Clan told him to find ancient books in the Priest Temple.

    “Lieber, I’m afraid that’s going to be difficult, the Priest Temple fell into a crevasse during an earthquake, it’s not accessible from outside.” she said, after a long silence
    “But, I have to find those books!” Lieber said alarmingly
    “Now, now, I said it wasn’t accessible from outside, but there is an access through the tunnels beneath the bridge.
     -That’s what it’s for?
     -It was used to fight the Necromancer’s and the Brai invaders, now it might be the only way to your temple.”

Lieber got up, took his bag and thanked her. Right at the moment he was about to walk out of the Tower, Pheonix told him:
   “Lieber, if you need to study your books or do anything you are welcome here.
    -Thank you Pheonix. I will come back at least to keep you posted.
    -And may the Nine be with you, because going underground isn’t easy.”
   

        Chapter 4: In The Ruins.

Lieber got back down the ladder and arrived back at the bridge. That’s where he noticed another Priest waiting and looking at the Tower, then back down at the bridge.
   “Can I help you, dear Priest?” said Lieber, happy to see another person from his clan.
The man seemed distracted but finally answered that he was looking for help to find the Priest Temple.
   “I’m going there right now, however we need to go underground to find the ruins. What are you going there for?” Lieber asked suspiciously
    “I was ordered update our maps with the findings of the temple, ordered by Master Len,  Priest Temple of Farlath in Aeli.” The man answered.
Lieber’s concerns were evaporated.
   “Then come with me, I’m headed there, I must find ancient books in the ruins of the temple.”
And so they they tried to find a way into the tunnels together. The bridge was steady so there was no access point there. In fact it took some time before Lieber’s companion, nicknamed Eagle, fell through rocks and into a natural cave.
   “Lieber, I think I found the entrance” he coughed.
Lieber went through the newly found entrance and found Eagle just getting up, covered in dust.
  “Eagle, you have any light? A lantern or something?
    -Yes, let me light it up.”
And so, a red flame lit the way ahead, a dark tunnel with the scent of mossy stone and the noise of water. They were probably in the old sewer. They walked for a long time, and they were starting to get cold.

[Reudh]

That was me, Lieber!
I intend to port this thread to the KAG forums later.




My expert opinion is thus:

While your world is well realised, your grammar lets down the fantasy. Fantasy is a very, very tough genre to write and get correct, but you've done a pretty good job.
I cannot stress grammar and spelling enough; if you intend to publish this it will NEVER get past a publisher unless it has correct spelling or grammar.

  The middle of the city had most of the information on the whereabouts, the King’s Castle, a few hotels and restaurants, and the Tree House, not exactly a stronghold but still the place where the Tree Lover Clan stayed. At the East, the road seemed to be blocked off. He asked what was the problem over there but the only answers he got were: “Bad place to be fellow” or “Don’t ask, you’ll attract less problems”.

You tend to "Tell" us what is happening rather than "Show"ing us. I'll try and rewrite this paragraph so that it shows more than it tells.

In the middle of the city, there was a grand sign standing. On it could be found directions to the most important parts of the city; the King's Castle, and the hotels and restaurants. There was also the 'Tree House' - not really a stronghold, but it was where the Tree Lover Clan called their home. Heading to the east of the city, the road  appeared to be blocked. Asking around, Lieber could not find out much, just that 'It's a bad place to be, fellow'.

See how that shows more of the world Lieber is in? By including details and letting the reader fill in part but not all of the info, you create a vibrant world that is different for every person reading.

Overall I'd say you're a good writer, but you are embarking on a difficult path with fantasy. As David Eddings, author of the Belgariad and the Malloreon, some of the best modern fantasy said, "If you think you are ready to write fantasy, write a million words, then throw it away. If you still want to write fantasy then you have what it takes."