To Margrave / "Jarlsberg Cheese has a Plan"
...Okay, so He has not proposed A Plan per-se, but when dealing with a personage like Jarlsberg Cheese you learn how to Read Between the Lines.
He has been...ah...Lamenting the presence of the Monkey Peoples to our North. As you may well know, Our Glorious Nation is often downwind from the lands of the Peoples in question. Jarlsberg Cheese has become increasingly Offended by the smell from what he calls "those Dumb Unwashed Hairy Monkeys." You must excuse His lack of Tact, as he has been known to Speak His Mind when he is Unhappy.
We will likely attempt to relieve our god's Undeserved Suffering by removing the Monkey Peoples from our Northern borders. We will open up Communication in an attempt to convince them to relocate to a more Acceptable region of the World, but I suspect that this suggestion will not be Well-Received.
Jarlsberg Cheese has on a previous occasion Noted that we have not had any recent Interaction with Our Fellow Northerners. We wish to rectify this by offering you the ownership of Rider Zone (90), Skullsand (100), and potentially Swyndell (94) if we choose to go to war. We Understand that this puts you in the unenviable position of being adjacent to the Scary Clanking Blue Peoples, but Jarlsberg Cheese Believes that you may have Success against these Peoples should there be Unexpected Conflict on that border.
We wish to have your response before we Act. We have Heard that some people do not Appreciate being handed Free Provinces. I personally believe that is Pure Insanity, but to each his own.
It is Jarlsberg Cheese's wish that our People maintain a strong Alliance. He feels that your troops are best against enemies that would be very Difficult for our own troops to best, and vice versa.
Jarlsberg Cheese does not have the best of Scouting Networks in that area. He wished to know how our Former Colonies to the South-West are being treated, and the scouts' response has been "Terrible." This Troubles Him, but He hopes that this problem will be solved by Powers Beyond Our Control. As previously Discussed, the people of Vanheim have no interest in Swamps that do not contain Lizardmen or Amazons.
We do not believe that your Assistance will be necessary against the Monkey Peoples, although it may well be needed against the Blue Ones. After all, what can a bunch of stupid gibbering Monkeys do? However, your warning that they may beg for Assistance is very Good Counsel and will be given Serious Consideration.
The Excessively Chatty Goblins to our North-East will not support the Monkey Peoples, as we have a previous Agreement since Jarlsberg Cheese enjoys hearing the Latest Gossip. That leaves the Scary Clanking Blue Peoples, as any other intervening force would have to trample through the Monkey People's backyard, so to speak. Should they choose to Intervene, we will Delay until you arrive. We do not believe that we can defeat them in a Pitched Battle at this point in time. We suspect that you will find that fight to be more to your liking. Jarlsberg Cheese made an Amusing Reference to something called a "sardine" that was met with Uproarious Laughter. Of course, by Royal Decree all of Jarlsberg Cheese's jokes must be met with Uproarious Laughter.
I hear the Monkey Peoples don't even clean their elephants' droppings. I suspect that any foreign force that crosses the entire Nation will be Demoralized by the time they arrive.
To HopFlash / "Never Fear" (the agreement was my relinquishing the province across the bridge, which bordered his cap, in exchange for taking the provinces south along the river. And naturally mutual peace)
Jarlsberg Cheese enjoys hearing the Latest Gossip from your Excessively Chatty Goblins, and He would not wish to see them Exterminated. I also have no Intention of violating our Agreement, which has been Rewarding for both sides.
I would have given a Warning in the prior month but we were Otherwise Occupied. We are driving the Monkey Peoples out of our North because Jarlsberg Cheese is sick of being downwind from "those Stupid Unwashed Hairy Monkeys." You must excuse His lack of tact, for He tends to Speak His Mind when He is Unhappy. Rest assured, we have no Intention of Conquering any of your Colonies in the area.
Jarlsberg Cheese feels that the best way to Deal with the Jotuns is to Pacify them. He believes that they have Great Power and prefers not to Contend with that unless absolutely necessary. We have co-opted them in this Effort to Ensure that their Conquests lie Elsewhere.
(( Besides, I've been RP'ing back and forth with Jotunheim since pretty much the start of the game. I think that neither of us wants to kill the other as long as we can find ways to help each other out instead.
It's no fun to RP by yourself. ))
To gman / "Jarlsberg Cheese has had enough..."
...of the smell that wafts over from your Provinces. We are not Certain whether bathing is Forbidden or just Frowned Upon among you Monkey Peoples, but the end result is a stench that is Simply Unbearable. Jarlsberg Cheese has Tolerated this olfactory Affront for too long, and He has informed us last month that he has Had It Up To Here and that Something Must Be Done.
We are to forcibly Relocate your entire Nation to the North and East. We Understand that this may be met with some Resistance, so our Werewolves will Oversee this Relocation. There may be some Incidents because, as you may know, wolves have a particularly Keen sense of smell. These are Unfortunate but Necessary Consequences of this Relocation effort.
I apologize for the Inconvenience. We will Bill you for the cost of Mucking your Elephant's Dung from your inner Provinces. Seriously, it's everywhere.
Perfumes created from Stinkweed and Wolvesbane are, if anything, even worse than the horrid stench of your hairy unwashed bodies.
To Margrave / "You called it"
It Appears as if Bandar will be Unable to do much, as Jarlsberg Cheese gloated that "We Totally Faked Them Out There" which of course was met with Uproarious Laughter.
But as you predicted, the Blue Ones have descended into our claimed territory. We believe you have a stronger Knowledge of the relative Strength of the Parties involved, so we would Prefer for you to take the lead in Negotiations. We will back you with whatever Decision you choose to make. Direct us as you will (within reason), or Forewarn us of possible Dangers if you wish for us to remain relatively Unpredictable.
We believe that we can win a single Engagement against the Blue Ones if they are as Inexperienced as they claim, for we have Sissy Human Crossbowmen to shoot at his Sissy Human Crossbowmen. Massing Einheres would be Difficult at this Juncture, so we would Rely on your superior Strength for future engagements. That said, we could Hold Our Noses and cross a Swamp to unleash "Surprise Longboats" if further Assistance is Required.
We do have a very close Border Fort at this time to mass Skinshifter reinforcements should the Musical Peoples or our Counterparts choose to Escalate. We can also Totally Screw With the former; they seem to have Forgotten about our Longboats.
To Hopflash / Continued conversation
Ulm has Disputed our Rightful Claim to the Lands of the Monkey Peoples. If they had done so with fewer Scary Clanking Blue Men, we would be Outraged. As it is, we are merely Greatly Annoyed. We Suspect that they will Lay Siege to the Capitol, and we would Prefer for the lot of them to be Squashed to Smithereens by Elephants. We would then Graciously swoop in and Settle our Claim.
We believe that we can defeat the Scary Clanking Blue Men in a Stand-Up Fight with the help of our Storm Maiden, Bakztab Iti. Jarlsberg Cheese claims this is because Skinshifters are "da bomb, yo." He is Trying to be more Hip to Appeal to the New Generation, but He does not Realize that he is using the Language of the Previous Generation. We do not Know whether Conflict will arise, as the Blue Ones have yet to send us an Emissary.
Jarlsberg Cheese says that he and Blut Tod Brunnen are Old Friends. The Zealots will likely Overstep their Bounds and get Invaded by a Coalition, but we would Prefer to see somebody defeat the Loud Disrespectful Giants. Those Giants had Invaded our Colony unprovoked and our Colonists have Suffered tremendously under their yoke.
A number of our Citizens sailed over to a former Colony last month on a Peace Mission to ensure that our Colonists receive better Treatment. We did not Realize that some of those Citizens were Werewolves. Actually, it Appears as if ALL of the Citizens were Werewolves.
To Elfeater / "It seems we are in a standoff"
Our Werewolves grow restless, and Jarlsberg Cheese starts to ask Difficult Questions if our expensive troops spend months standing around Picking Their Noses. So here is our Proposal: we will Allow you to Siege the Monkey Peoples' Capitol unhindered, and in return you will pledge to leave the Provinces adjacent to said Capitol under our Control. We Understand that your Unbelievably Noisy Armor requires many Resources, but the lands in question have terrible Resources. The Monkey Peoples' Capitol is still a strong source of Congealed Magic so it is still a Worthwhile Conquest for your Nation.
Should you Agree to this Offer and Break it, or should you Reject this offer without an effective Counter-Offer, you are Effectively Declaring War because Jarlsberg Cheese would Prefer that our Werewolves stand around in other Nations' Provinces. Also, we reserve the Right to Conquer the Capitol ourselves if you Delay Excessively or Fail Outright, since the Monkey Peoples would then Conquer our Provinces themselves and we'd be mucking Elephant dung all over again. In that case, we will Renegotiate.
It would not be Intelligent to go to War with us. We are willing to engage in Joint Campaigns against Troublesome Enemies, and in return our current Allies are willing to do the same. War with us means War with up to 2 other Nations as well, which is never a good Decision at this Juncture.
To Margrave / "Our Werewolves move South"
We have Negotiated an Agreement with the Scary Clanking Blue Men. We will retain control of the Provinces we have, and they will get the Monkey Peoples' Capitol. This is Acceptable considering how many months that Siege is likely to last. Meanwhile, our Skinshifters will congregate on the Coast for an Expedition against the Loud Disrespectful Giants, whom Jarlsberg Cheese has never Forgiven.
We have heard Rumblings from other Nations concerning Marignon. We Believe that a Coalition may form against them after Ashdod falls. You will be well-positioned to Join such a Coalition against either them or the Infernal Cultists, depending on which Nation is being more Troublesome. Keep us Informed, as we can Nibble at the Edges of Marignon's lands should they be invaded.
To Kavenor / (No Subject)
Jarlsberg Cheese is starting to get Headaches from your Infernal Droning. He wishes to Remind you that you should Tone it Down a Notch.
You may have Noticed that a roving band of Werewolves happens to occupy the Province next to your currently-undefended Throne. Werewolves like Thrones - something about them being large objects that they can Mark with their Scent. And yet, as a Token of our Goodwill and Jarlsberg's Cheese boundless capacity to Forgive, they will instead move to Devour the Citizens of a nearby Town.
We Hope that this gesture is returned in kind, and our newly-liberated former Colonies on the coastline will not be invaded again. Jarlsberg Cheese is Sick and Tired of people Invading our Colonies.
To Margrave / "Update from the coastlines"
Our Colonies are still Recovering from the Devastation visited upon them by the Loud Disrespectful Giants. Our Scouts have reported that the Fanatics have defeated the Host of the Loud Disrespectful Giants. It Seems that you will not have any Opportunity to Expand in that direction, unless you desire War with the Fanatics.
We are Willing to Engage in a Joint Assault on any Nation of your choice, although some Nations would require more Preparation than Others. All of the Conquered Provinces from that Effort would be Yours. Jarlsberg Cheese Worries that you may not have the Resources to reach your full Potential, and We are more Willing to Trust you than the other Nations. We also Believe that it would be a Terrible Mistake to create more Colonies at this point in time.
Jarlsberg Cheese wonders whether we can Trust the Plea from the Mud Loving Cyclopes. We Suspect that the Infernal Cultists still have significant Undead and Legionnaire Forces near their Homeland.
Quite to the Contrary, our Longships allow us to attack the Infernal Cultists more Freely than any other Nation. Our re-liberated Coastal Colonies allow us to Invade several of their Provinces without any Forewarning. Our Werewolves are currently Running Amok in those Provinces. We should probably Rein Them In at some point, but We cannot stay Angry with them when they give Us the Puppy Dog Eyes.
We believe that the Infernal Cultists and the Fanatics are currently the strongest Nations, and are likely to only Grow Stronger with time. The Musical Peoples are also Worrisome, but they Struggle with Magic and are Difficult to Assault. Jarlsberg Cheese Knows that our forces are too One-Dimensional to be of Major Concern despite our Comparative Size.
We would Recommend that you Sound Out the Excessively Chatty Goblins, the Musical Peoples, and Our Tree-Hugging Counterparts. They may Decide to assault the Fanatics. The Excessively Chatty Goblins may also respond Favorably to the Infernal Cultists' Plea to Assault our Homelands in Response. This would be a Grave Mistake, but would be Irritating nonetheless.
To Margrave / "How can the game be a foot?" (in response to a message ended with "the game is afoot")
We are using cards, are we not? Is the goal of this particular Game to arrange them so that they appear to be a foot? That does not seem like it would be very Fun.
We are Relieved that you have made Diplomatic Overtures towards our Neighbors. After Our Tree-Hugging Counterparts delivered that Ultimatum in favor of the Infernal Cultists, We were not Certain that we could Defend Our Homeland if the Excessively Chatty Goblins chose to Invade us as well. Jarlsberg Cheese would have been Greatly Amused if this Interaction occurred a year or so from now. Our Tree-Hugging Counterparts would Cloud Trapeze into Certain Doom.
Our Grated Parmesan Scouts' reports suggest that the Scary Clanking Blue Men have too few Provinces to be a Healthy Growing Nation with Strong Teeth and Bones...ahem sorry about that, We just finished a Commercial Breeze that will be Blown across our liberated Colonies to remind them to buy and consume large quantities of Our Finest Cheese.
We would Suggest that perhaps a month before your Crusade to Restore the Cyclopean Territory to its Rightful Owners (ie you), you should Offer them a chance to Participate in Our Glorious Conquest, and very gently Remind them that all three of us are within two Provinces of his Territory. His participation on the side of Sceleria would be Nasty, Brutish, and Short. Try not to over-emphasize the word "Short," as Some People may find it Demeaning given your Imposing Size. In fact, We would also strongly Advise you to not use that word in Jarlsberg Cheese's presence, regardless of the context. He can be Sensitive about His height.
Let us know the month before you wish to Strike. Our Werewolves have Nothing Better to Do and will likely Patrol the Area or perhaps even Take a Cruise. We would Prefer the Coastal Territories again, but we Understand if you wish for us to not have the Coastal Throne and are willing to Relinquish that Province if necessary. We would actually be Willing to Throw Ourselves at Sceleria itself from Month 1 to prevent further Vestal production, so it is Imperative that you give us Forewarning so that we can Reposition for that strike. Bakztab Iti believes that it is Her Time to Shine, except when she says "Shine" she really means the Opposite because she is a Storm Maiden.
...I know, I am Terrible at making Jokes. I will never experience the Pleasure when a Joke is met with Uproarious Laughter.
To Hopflash / Continuing Conversation
Yes, the Fanatics are going to move on to the Capitol of the Loud Disrespectful Giants. We have Suggested that he should march around the Citadel a bunch of times and blow a horn, making the walls fall, much like Jericho. But then again, Jericho is Clumsy and Easily Startled so it's not exactly Difficult to make him fall. Jarlsberg Cheese does it all the time for Fun.
(( If you don't get the reference - and I don't think most people would - Jericho was a city in the Old Testament in the Bible that the Jews "besieged" by walking around it a bunch of times and blowing their horns. Then the walls just fell. ))
We do not Know what the Fanatics will do Afterwards, but We Suspect that they will need to Consolidate The Borders and/or Fight Off Invaders.
(( TLDR for the below: I'm willing to jointly invade Sceleria as long as Jotunheim is involved. I don't need to be told when the attack's going to be, but you need to let me know a month before it occurs so I can move my guys into position. ))
Jarlsberg Cheese is getting Terrible Headaches because the Infernal Cultists have Ignored multiple requests to Turn It Down a Notch. We would back any act of Conquest that promises to Raze the Temples that are causing the Infernal Droning. We do not Wish to have many more Colonies, so if a Coalition is formed we would only Wish to Retain between one and three Coastal Provinces. We would Relinquish all other conquered Provinces to our Coalition Partners.
We would readily join such a Coalition as long as our Northern Brethren (Jotunheim) is Involved. We will Participate in an Alpha Strike as long as we are Forewarned a month in advance.
To Coalition Against Sceleria / "Eriu"
We do not Know if you have ever tried to corral a bunch of Werewolves. It's like Herding Cats, except these cats are larger, have a nastier temper, smell worse, howl at the moon...Come To Think Of It, it is nothing like Herding Cats. But Take Our Word For It, it is Really Difficult.
We can Set Sail in a month or two, although we may have to Strike Elsewhere if our Destination suddenly becomes Congested.
Our Grated Parmesan Scouts wish to add the following Reports to the Current Total:
~60 Longdead and a Priest in Grass Harem (7). "70 Longdead" and a Priest in Cage Pyre (124).
We will have a Scout on Sceleria itself next month. We expect it to be consumed immediately, but the Report will be Invaluable.
The walls of the Infernal Cultists' Capitol are under attack, but our Werewolves Insist on gnawing at the walls. This is Inefficient and will Prolong our Siege significantly. A group of Huskarls also Misunderstood Our Orders; they sailed to and attacked the Colony we departed from. This is an Irritating Setback that will Delay reinforcements by a month or so.
We have Bargained with the Fanatics, and have Convinced them of the Danger posed by the Infernal Cultists. Their attack occurred simultaneously with Ours. Unfortunately, the Jotuns seem to be Taking a Nap because it seems like nothing happened on their front this month.
We are going to Seal the Deal by Strategically Withdrawing from the Infernal Cultist Capitol and marching on the Disrespectful Loud Giants' Capitol. This has absolutely nothing to do with the nearly 400-strong Longdead and Crossbowman army that will arrive at the Infernal Cultists' Capitol next month. We relish being outnumbered 2:1, but we have More Pressing Engagements.
Our assault on the Disrespectful Loud Giants' Capitol will allow the Fanatics to bring their full military might to bear on the Infernal Cultists. The destruction of the undead is their Speciality, so they will have a Much Easier Time of it. We may Revisit the Capitol sometime in the future, but we Suspect that our Tree-Hugging Counterparts and the Newly-Liberated Monkey Peoples may become more pressing issues.
To Margrave / "Jarlsberg Cheese wants to Remind You..." (after the 3rd consecutive Scout got intercepted and killed along a chokepoint to the top of Sceleria)
that our Grated Parmesan Scouts cannot Sail. We Thought this would be Obvious, but Apparently some Nations believe that Our Finest Cheese sails itself across the Oceans. We regret to Inform you that Our Finest Cheese is not quite that Awesome.
A Misinformed Courtesan Suggested that Our Northern Brethren were neither maliciously Devouring our Scouts enroute, nor were they trying to see if they could in fact Sail by themselves. She had the temerity to Intimate that Our Northern Brethren were in fact hunting for Blood Sacrifices in the Divine Presence of Jarlsberg Cheese himself! He immediately Sentenced Her to Death for the seditious act of Claiming that another Nation could possibly Challenge Our Dominance at anything.
If you Insist on Devouring our Scouts along the only Route they can take to Sceleria, you could at least Repay us in some way. Perhaps with some of the Virgins you are Most Certainly Not collecting.
To Margrave / "Vanheim has won a Great Victory"
...although it was a Costly One. Many brave Werewolves fell, never to rise again. Jarlsberg Cheese publicly Lauded the decision to put the barely-walking-wounded in front to get Massacred, but privately he Mourned Their Loss because he Cares Deeply For Us All.
Still, we have defeated many of the Loud Disrespectful Giants and are now laying siege to their Capitol. This frees the Fanatics to bring their entire military force to bear on the Infernal Cultists. We Expect them to do so.
We have no need for Sacrifices at this time, save to Compensate us for our significantly reduced Scouting ability. We will likely not Trade for Sacrifices either, as Jarlsberg Cheese enjoys swimming in ludicrously large quantities of gems.
To Margrave / "Jarlsberg Cheese is Grateful"
...for the crate of Virgins sent as Compensation. We will store them in a cool place for Future Consumption.
Our Grated Parmesan Scouts Believe that the Musical Peoples may be trying to Corner the Market for Blood Sacrifice. They have seen blood-soaked Vines in one of those Provinces. Jarlsberg Cheese said "that's about halfway up the Blood tree!" which was met with Uproarious Laughter. Jarlsberg Cheese privately Confided to me that He Wasn't Joking. His level of Expertise in the subject is mind-blowing.
Jarlsberg Cheese Insists that He just gave the Musical Peoples a Head Start in order to Keep Things Fair. We are now putting all of our resources into Beating Them to the Punch. This should not be Difficult given that we have some Familiarity with the Subject Matter after the Organ Gun incident.
In other news, the Ink-Feathered Owl has become extinct within our Provinces. I confronted our Researchers, who claim that We Have No Idea What You're Talking About. They told me that they wanted lanterns that cast no light, as if I were some sort of Idiot. Jarlsberg Cheese can make Pretty Much Everything, but He said he has Better Things to Do with His time.
This would be easier to Believe if he didn't spend so much of that time swimming in enormous gem piles like some sort of Rich Elderly Duck.
To Margrave / "The Loud Disrespectful Giants are no more"
Our Werewolves will once again attack the Infernal Cultists with Surprise Longships, although they will be attacking a town instead of the Capitol because they are at the Inner Sea.
Jarlsberg Cheese wishes to Formally Apologize for the Loss of your Scout. In Our defense, he was a virgin, so we he was simply Rounded Up with the others. We will Ship him and two others to you this Month as Compensation.
It seems that The Musical Peoples have Attacked the lands of The Scary Clanking Blue Men across the Inner Sea using Wolves. Jarlsberg Cheese Complained that they were "Stealing Our Thunder," which Makes No Sense because Bakztab Iti has not been Kidnapped. She definitely is the one who Brings the Thunder.
To Elfeater / "Jarlsberg Cheese sends his Greetings..."
...to The Scary Clanking Blue Men. Our Grated Parmesan Scouts have Reported that you just Dealt With a Wolven Invasion from The Musical Peoples.
Was that Invasion just An Honest Mistake? Or was your Response "This Means War!", as Daffy famously said to Jarlsberg Cheese. Of course, Jarlsberg Cheese responded by Transforming him into a Duck. Perhaps that is not the best Analogy.
We will be Occupied with Helping Our Allies defeat the Infernal Cultists. It would be in Your Best Interests to begin Contacting the Neighbors of the Musical Peoples ((Shinuyama and Marignon)). Ensure that they are Aware of this Aggression against a Weaker Nation. They may come to your Aid if there is a Major Assault, and when the Infernal Cultists are finally Defeated those nations will Strongly Consider coming to your Aid.
Nobody likes a Bully.
To Karlito / "Jarlsberg Cheese has issued..."
...An Order to Recall the Roving Band of Werewolves from our Newly-Established Colonies, unless those Colonies are Invaded. He Cites some Troubling Developments to the North, and also He is Sick of seeing the Plant-Men on His lawn. One could Speculate that He is actually Worried about having so many Vanjarls together on an Extended Campaign, since there is always the risk of a Military Coup. But that would be Idle and Pointless Speculation because of course Jarlsberg Cheese is Omnipotent and could never be Overthrown.
To Margrave / "Jarlsberg Cheese 'Called It'"
He Demanded that our Roving Band of Werewolves be Withdrawn unless our Newly-Established Colonies were Attacked. I Advised that this not be Done, for I was Skeptical of his Motivations. He Believed that The Musical Peoples would launch a Full Offensive against the Scary Clanking Blue Men, who were also Repelled by the Monkey Peoples for the second time. He was obviously Correct, considering the Surprise Minotaurs in a nearby Swamp (84).
Jarlsberg Cheese believes that the two largest Threats after the Decimation of the Infernal Cultists are the Fanatics and the Musical Peoples. He would not be Against a Joint Invasion of the Fanatics, but He is Worried that this would give Too Much Power to The Excessively Chatty Goblins. The Musical Peoples are not Involved in the War against the Infernal Cultists, and Jarlsberg Cheese is Concerned that they may not stop after their Conquest of the Scary Clanking Blue Men.
There will be a Mass Repositioning to protect what Appears to be a Blood Hunting Extravaganza in that area. We will also Re-Conquer the two Provinces adjacent to our Capitol and take the Capitol of the Monkey Peoples in the Process. It will be Several Months before we Consider an Invasion of the Musical Peoples, but I would not want you to Believe that we were Abandoning the Cause against the Infernal Cultists.
Jarlsberg Cheese is Renowned Across the Globe for his ability to Craft Magical Items. Or He will be once He Decides to Get Off His Ass and Put Those Gems to Use.
To Elfeater / "Our Werewolves are Returning"
Jarlsberg Cheese wants to Quell the Rebellions in His Provinces, and is Convinced that The Musical Peoples pose a Significant Threat and will not Sit Idly By should they Succeed in their Conquest of your Territories.
We will not Attack immediately because there are Logistical Issues and Surprise Longboats may not be the Best Approach. But I Fervently Hope that we can Come to Your Aid before you Fall to an Endless Tide of Naked Women.
Although to be Perfectly Honest, there are far worse ways to Meet One's End.
To Coalition against Sceleria / "Ulm"
Jarlsberg Cheese currently plans to attack The Musical Peoples, as His Capitol lies in a Forest Province.
We have Positive Relations with The Scary Clanking Blue Men, and we will Do Our Best to come to their aid. The Musical Peoples do not Appear to be Amenable to much of anything.
The Musical Peoples have Many, Many Buffs to support their Hordes of Troops and Insects. The Infernal Cultists have moved all of their Cultists to their Capitol, where they are Raising the Roof Undead in Great Numbers. And causing A Great Clamor. Jarlsberg Cheese is not Amused.
We would Agree that the Fanatics could soon pose a Grave Threat. We Suspect that they will Play the Warmonger, perhaps against us.
To Margrave / "Tonight, our wolves will feast on horseflesh"
We have lost two more Vanjarls to the Cowardly Magic of The Musical Peoples. Jarlsberg Cheese has Demanded that they give Him Further Compensation. I may have Forgotten to Relay this Demand. Oops.
Jarlsberg Cheese does not have Boundless and Unending Patience. The Fanatics have Informed us that the God of the Musical Peoples is not at his Capitol, but we cannot wait Forever.
To Hopflash / "Want to kill some centaurs?"
Jarlsberg Cheese Believes that it is His Divine Right to Colonize every Province in this Land. However, it pays to be Realistic.
Last Month we dealt a Devastating Blow when we invaded the Lands of The Musical Peoples. Our Grated Parmesan Scouts tell us that you border their Island to the East. We invite you to grab a few of their Provinces for yourself.
Last Month, the Fanatics informed us that The Musical Peoples' Pretender God was at Lace Sands (135). We would be Grateful if you began your Conquest by killing him, which would cancel The Lord of the Hunt.
To Margrave / "Jarlsberg Cheese has Instructed me to..."
...Outline our Present Situation to Our Northern Brethren. In Great Detail.
The War against The Musical Peoples is going well, as we had Anticipated. Pedosion is going to Clear the Seas by using several Abhorrently Expensive magical items. A group of Storm Demons will Cover His Flank. We hope to take one land Fortress this month, and another one two months hence. This would leave The Musical Peoples with only their Accursed Forested Capitol and two Underwater Palisades.
The Musical Peoples' main army may Engage the large army from The Excessively Chatty Goblins, which sits in Far Bridge (128), this month. Jarlsberg Cheese Believes that such an event is Unlikely to Occur. We had Invited the Goblins to attack The Musical Peoples to Ensure that they would not attack us instead.
Our Werewolves will be Standing Around Picking Their Noses in 3 or 4 months if Things Proceed According to Plan. Jarlsberg Cheese Believes that they should do that in other Nations' Provinces, so they will then be sailing over to the Lands of the Infernal Cultists along with many, many Vanjarls. Again.
To Margrave / "Our Werewolves are Restless"
...already. We will sail to Ebon Altar to let them Stretch Their Claws a Little. We leave the Remainder of Sceleria to you, and must Remind you to Prepare for an Assault from the Fanatics, who we Believe will attack you because you are Weaker.
Our Response depends mainly on where Cyclopean Ones' allegiance lies. Our Preferred war strategy would make them an instant Enemy, so it takes that option Off of the Table. We Suspect that the Excessively Chatty Goblins will either Assault the Fanatics with Great Gusto or Assault us with Much Less Enthusiasm, to Keep us Busy while the Fanatics attempt to End Your Reign.
To Coalition against Sceleria / Continuing Conversation
Jarlsberg Cheese once spoke of a Rule: if a Nation should be Rebuffed more than once in its Attempt to Eliminate an opposing Nation, it Forfeits any Claims it had to that Nation's Territory.
He then Said that I totally didn't just Make That Up, I Swear. Or did I? Then He laughed for a full minute.
He may have been slightly Inebriated at the time. It is Difficult to Tell with Jarlsberg Cheese.
There's a couple more small PM's that aren't worth posting here. Thus ends the saga of Jarlsberg Cheese.