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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1501124 times)

GreatWyrmGold

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #510 on: November 07, 2010, 10:53:21 am »

Dear Stray Horse:
Please do not wander across the map. It makes my carpenter's current job of tying you up much harder.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrm McGold, Telepathic Fortress Overseer
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Samuel

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #511 on: November 09, 2010, 02:13:21 am »

Dear Urist McStrangeMood,
You used quite a bit of rock on that artifact, eh? burrow exploits are a wonderful thing. Let's see what wonderful addition to our fortress you've-

...

A bitumonous coal ring.

...

Urist, there's a downward shaft in the caven that may or may not be home to an unimaginable eldritch horror or a bunch of pissed-off snakemen or Armok knows what else. Can you go check that out for me? Thanks.

Signed,
An Overseer who knew this would happen the moment you claimed the Craftsdwarf's shop.
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Urist McTaverish

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #512 on: November 09, 2010, 07:35:48 am »

Dear Urist McGrief

I understand that times can be rough after a loved one dies, but please note that the decay of said loved one's corpse of which you seem to be unhappy about is actually your pet dog.  We here do not bestow funeral rites on animals (this includes goblins).  It is difficult enough making a mausoleum big enough to hold every citizen, let alone their pets as well.  Please accept my condolences and for the love of Armok GET HAPPY!

Your Invisible Overseer
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Nyxalinth

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #513 on: November 09, 2010, 12:30:05 pm »

Dear Urist, et al

I agree, the bunnies, pheasants, and geese are very cute.  But you guys have jobs to do. I, for one, would prefer that there be plenty of food and booze for the coming winter and spring, since we all know the elves can't be trusted to bring either.  Hell, sometimes even our own prefer bringing four anvils in lieu of food and booze.  so I am sure you can appreciate how important this is.

The point is, if I keep getting spammed with 'Urist McPETA Member cancels picking his nose: Interrupted by Cute Little Critter x2385734', I am going to introduce you to the cute and cuddly Mr. Magma.

No love,

Your Overseer
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Nyxalinth likes the color blue, gaming, writing, art, cats for their aloofness,  Transformers for their sentience and ability to transform, and the Constructicons for their hard work and building skills. Whenever possible, she prefers to consume bacon cheeseburgers and pinot noir. She absolutely detests stupid people.

blur

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #514 on: November 09, 2010, 03:13:02 pm »

Dear Urist,
3rd Granite

I have scheduled you to feed patients and recover wounded. Why do you try to fill the already full hospital cistern, while Lokum McDecoratedHero starves dehydratedly to death no three tiles away from you? Also, you might find it funny to place a full bucket one tile away from him, but he has a broken spine and is surely not amused. Don't let him kick the bucket, or at least dig out his tomb!

Love,
your Overseer


Dear Urist,
8th Felsite

You were successful. Lokum McDecoratedHero has died from dehydration. Now, please stop ignoring his corpse and bury him? A rotting Dwarf in the hospital is not hygienic.

Yours sincerely,
your Overseer
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NewSheoth

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #515 on: November 09, 2010, 03:16:29 pm »

Dear Urist,
3rd Granite

I have scheduled you to feed patients and recover wounded. Why do you try to fill the already full hospital cistern, while Lokum McDecoratedHero starves dehydratedly to death no three tiles away from you? Also, you might find it funny to place a full bucket one tile away from him, but he has a broken spine and is surely not amused. Don't let him kick the bucket, or at least dig out his tomb!

Love,
your Overseer


Dear Urist,
8th Felsite

You were successful. Lokum McDecoratedHero has died from dehydration. Now, please stop ignoring his corpse and bury him? A rotting Dwarf in the hospital is not hygienic.

Yours sincerely,
your Overseer

Lock that Urist McDumbasabrick in the tomb with the Lokum McDecoratedHero. The only way to be sure.
Well, there's another - draft him and get him patrolling the outside/the caverns.
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Uzu Bash

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #516 on: November 09, 2010, 06:03:33 pm »

Dear Urist PostMassacre,

There's a lot of butchery work to be done, and I appreciate the initiative you've taken when all others are busy bringing in the rottables to where they're sure to generate miasma the moment they're put down. So which corpse do you want to work on, the one stocked right next to a butcher shop, the one piled a brisk walk away from another butcher shop, or the 15k corpse placed in an unnecessarily remote corner? Couldn't pick the shop nearest that corpse, could you? Or second nearest?

Well try not to starve or dehydrate anytime during your month's long efforts -- we've got enough bodies to shuffle around.
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GreatWyrmGold

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #517 on: November 09, 2010, 07:33:10 pm »

Dear Dagger McMiner*:
Be careful where you dig! You crushed Dagger McJelly* under a chunk of stone! And if it wasn't obvious what causes such things, you caused a similar action while McJelly was on the chunk of rock. Poor McJelly regained consciousness just in time to be crushed by your clumsiness.
Oh, and that water source you and McJelly complained of vanishing a bit back? It was there, and in case you don't believe me, I have a well for just that purpose.
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Uzu Bash

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #518 on: November 09, 2010, 09:25:24 pm »

Dear Urist McThirstyWork,

I know, it's hard work hauling loads out of the midsummer sun, especially this much junk. Gotta get your drink on and cool down. You too, kids (maybe you can empty the damn barrels so the adults can get this over without hitting it every 5 mins.)

You...what the hell are you doing out here? You are set to zero hauling duty, so what're doing? Don't tell me you're here for the longland beer, we got master brewers stocking the place, upstairs, downstairs, you can't walk 80 urists without seeing a keg of it, so what brings you aaaaall the way out to the middle of a jungle, which I know your work doesn't do much to adapt you for?

Okay, this picnic is over! Everything getting dumped and now! We'll sort it in stockpiles later, just push it the hell through the gates before another one of your brats gets snatched!

Your Overseer could use a drink -- gimmie that barrel!
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Oxinabox

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #519 on: November 09, 2010, 09:42:54 pm »

Dear UrstNobleOfSteel,
your impressive work as Mayor, Broker, manager, bookkeeper and commander of the emergancy civialan militia, lead me to the apointing of you as Baron,
However, once in this position you fell slack in your previous duties, leading me to have to replace you in them with 5 differnt dwarves all lacking your previously well honed expertise. Leaving you the sole role of Baron and emergancy civlian militia commander.
Even with yuir relaxed schedual you continued to complain.
Most anyone else would have been proud to hae a 3 story mountain top villa, made from stone hauled from the deepest depths. The Villa overlooked all the great land I had given over to your watching.
Now I know you like steel, I like steel too and our steal works is operating strong.
So when you asked for steel furnishings I provided.
But when you asked for a steel bed, I had to say no. The metal smiths won't do it. They Just Won't.

Now, when it came to your office, where visiting nobles would meet, I had to insist.
For you i created the most valuable piece of furniture every created, by a dwarf in his right mind, in the fortress.
It's value rivaled, and indeed exceeded that of most artifacts this fortress has ever produced, A plantinium throne, encrusted with the weath of a mountain: gems and diamonds of all varieties, studs of gold, silver and the bone of our enemies.
This throne was the awe of all who saw it.
Now you got mad, when you saw it was not of steel, this throne wich took 3 legendairy dwarves 3 years to make. Had you just gone down two sets of stairs to the dinign room you could have sat in your steel one there. Heck at the time you destoyed it, there was already a dwarf carting a steel one up to you following your bellowed demands for "A steel throne in my office".
Now you see, it wasn't your destroying this masterpiece, that offended the people of the fortress,
No. It was the way you complained about not having a decent office.
Is it any wonder they refused to follow you when you when down to fight that cave ogre?

Signed
The Mountain Watcher


Attention Urst McCivilianMilitiaMan;
You work in the past has been exemplery, both in Military, and in your normal civilan jobs,
Now when you are called to the walls, for a drawbridge opening, I want you to stand on the walls and rain your usual rain of copper bolts down upon the goblin hordes tailing the merchant wagons. So the merchants can get over the bridge, without letting the golbins though.
The standard protocol upon the merchants entering hte fortress was the usaull closign of the bridge, This was fallowed despite, your strange desire to go across it to get a better vantage point, for shootign of said goblins.
I'm sure you realised, before your untiml demise that the golblin skimishers who i snet you to guard gainst are quite able in melee, and you, a civilan crossbom and are not,
and even with a full quiver, ou can only shoot one of them at a time.
You lost one of our valuable Quivers,
there are another 30 militia men, with crossbows, waiting for for a quiver, and you left one outside.
Now i need to send civlians into unknow teritory to reclaim our corpse and quiver.
Signed
the Watching Ox
« Last Edit: November 09, 2010, 10:28:37 pm by Oxinabox »
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YellowPebble

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #520 on: November 10, 2010, 07:33:44 am »

Dear Urists McMarriedCouple (and Baby Uristsdaughter),

I fully appreciate that all has not been well in this fortress lately. There was that terrible plague of flies for a start- you may be glad to know that this has been traced to a lack of barrels, which has since been rectified. I know this will be a huge relief to Urist McAbsolutelyDetestsFlies.

Perhaps worse, the dehydration caused by the unfortunate coincidence of the onset of Winter (and subsequent freeze) and the running out of our alcohol stocks has affected everyone. Again, you may be glad to know that not only do we now have a working well, but a brewer is up and working with our new stockpile of spare barrels.

I note that these troubles have not gone unnoticed by you.

I am somewhat suprised, thus, to note that you have all been "ecstatic" of late. This appears to be due to sleeping in a bedroom like, and I quote, "a personal palace". This remark confuses me, since your bedroom is the same small hole in the earth that every other dwarf has, except in your case you have to share it between three people and your bedroom is unique in *not* having a cabinet.

It is true that your bed is somewhat unusual, I admit. It's made of stone, and covered in menacing spikes of iron. I can't see why this would be particularly desirable in a bed, though. It was cobbled together by Urist McMiner who spent most of a season in our only Mason's workshop refusing to mine and demanding metal, of which we had none at that time.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2010, 07:36:18 am by YellowPebble »
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Silent_Thunder

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #521 on: November 11, 2010, 01:12:34 pm »

Dear Urists McDoctors,
While I do not doubt your medical knowledge, was it really necessary to save Urist McComa, I mean, the guy had all his limbs severed, and took a massive blow to his head. While it is incredible that you saved him, you neglected to treat any of the other victims, most of which died from infections after you stopped working on them to treat McComa. Although you are still indespensible to this fortress, I still shall see you punished. If you notice, your quarters have been relocated to the left of the workshops. Have fun with that.

From,
The Administrator

PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.


« Last Edit: December 19, 2010, 09:44:13 pm by Silent_Thunder »
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Fisher-Risen

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #522 on: November 11, 2010, 01:26:26 pm »

Dear Urist Mcgoblin lord

Thanks for the ambush... >.>

Signed Urist Mcoverseer
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"I had a great fortress going on until Leonidas kicked open the door to my clown car, but my blue suede shoes weren't ready, so Uncle Sam and his friends went to town on my tax returns."

Samuel

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #523 on: November 11, 2010, 02:12:39 pm »

PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.

Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
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Silent_Thunder

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #524 on: November 11, 2010, 02:52:25 pm »

PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.

Hint: Giant Cave Spiders

NO I am not releasing GCS in the medical wing. Its in the heart of my fort, ya know so injured people can get to it.
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