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[Deus Machina]

Dear humans of "The Blotted Union",

You came to our land, trampled two woodcutters, and have since milled around in a corner of our plot for the last five months.
Our doors are wide open. We've had dwarves come out to collect wood just on the other side of the valley and come back unharmed. All you've been doing is sitting around the fire and flipping any passing dwarves the cave swallow.
This is not a siege. This is just angry camping.

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear humans of "The Blotted Union",

You came to our land, trampled two woodcutters, and have since milled around in a corner of our plot for the last five months.
Our doors are wide open. We've had dwarves come out to collect wood just on the other side of the valley and come back unharmed. All you've been doing is sitting around the fire and flipping any passing dwarves the cave swallow.
This is not a siege. This is just angry camping.

To:  The local Dwarves

Don't you shortarses know a party when you see one?  We're the Blotted Union for a reason;  We get together somewhere and then, WE GET BLOTTED ON BOOZE!

Sincerely;

The Humans of the Blotted Union.

[Deus Machina]

Re: the Blotted Union

At least we can largely ignore you, unlike the local elves. 'The Howl of Strangers' indeed.

[Table Turning]

Dear (former) population of The Tomb of Virginity:

When you spot someone suddenly spraying blood from all of their orifices in the dining room after breathing in FB fumes earlier, you should get the fuck away lest you want the same to happen to you.

Armok knows why I just wrote this letter to a bunch of corpses.

[Iapetus]

Dear Nish Eribroldeth,

If you are dehydrated, you can go and get some of the booze I've made or bought.

Or you can go to bed, get up, plant some seeds (until I turn off your planting labour), haul some seeds to their stockpile, dump some items, and die.

The choice is yours, but if you choose the latter, can you explain to me why I should waste time and resources making a coffin for your worthless corpse?

(Iton Datanokir: I ask you the same question.  And as you were a migrant animal caretaker, "I was an indispensible member of the fortress" isn't an acceptible answer).

[krenshala]

So, Urist McEngraver ... do you not like our newly appointed mayor that isn't the expedition leader?  I notice that the masterwork engraving you put in the new mayors office is of the expedition leader and not the new mayor.

Oh, and I applaud your choice of the human adventurer for the first engraving.  I'm tempted to move the two statues of that same human from the mayors dinning room to his office to reinforce the effect.  Now if only we had a statue of dwarves exporting rings with which to annoy the new mayor ...

Oh yeah, do you happen to know why you make statues of the expedition leader surrounded by the oysters he detests so much?  I know you guys are friends, but isn't that a bit much?

[Sus]

Dear Urist McSiegeOperator,

I know you were a little disappointed by the goblin siege that got entirely caught on weapon traps, but 'Fire at Will' does not mean 'Fire upon dwarves collecting goblin equipment from corpses'. Stop that shit.

But they might be Fire Snakes in disguise, or vampires! <|:-S

And yeah, those humans are some happy campers. The thing to do is prob'ly just wait until a caravan comes and gives them a trashing, or start some bizarrely complex project to replace their campifire with some liquid !!Fun!!...

Also,

Dear Urist McCrankypants: That bridge was the only way into the fortress, you moron! Now that you destroyed it, the caravan has no way to our indoor trade depot, and that means no booze for anyone. Happy now?
<Urist McCrankypants cancels listen to reason: throwign tantrum.
Rough mudstone Bridge destroyed by Urist McCrankypants.
Urist McCrankypants has died after colliding with an obstacle.>

Oh well, natural selection in action I guess... *shrug* 

To: hauler/lumberjack/farmer whatshisname
CC: Every Armok-damned moodsy Drof in this Fortress
RE: Strange moods

Hey fellas,

While I certainly appreciate creative imagination, you know what I appreciate even more?
Useful artifacts. This does not include the Acacia cup you used most of the year to make, messing up the craf shop's production orders in the process. Especially since said cup is menacing with so many spikes of acacia and dog leather (wait, what? leather spikes?) that it's practically impossible to take a sip without cutting most of your face open. Not to mention the image of goblins laughing at the downfall of a Dwarven civilization; Armok knows things are looking plenty grim even without this kind of defeatist propaganda.

As for you bowyer guys, what could possibly influence you to make a sheep bone or willow bow? Nobody in the fort even knows how to use such an elfin weapon, let alone make any ammo for it. We're dwarves; we use crossbows. There's a difference.

- Your Somewhat Exasperated Overseer

[Nan]

Dearest Sodel Dorenablel,

When I ordered you to open up the cistern from below, I intended you to move to the access ramp you used to get under the cistern, and then climb out of the water. You have the dubious distinction of being the first dwarf who has ever succeeded in drowning while sitting on a perfectly serviceable ramp. For 20 seconds. Just sitting there drowning. You didn't have to do that. You could have just climbed out. The dry land was one tile away, up the ramp. That you were sitting on.

I'm sorry you never became a legendary miner, but look on the bright side, you have posthumously become a legendary dumbass. Congratulations Soren, you are the first legendary dumbass I've ever had. Because I'm seen dwarves do plenty of dumb things, but in order for a dwarf to qualify as legendary they need to surpass the mundane every day level of dumbassery which any dwarf can do. So dodging into a murky pool and drowning in it because it has no ramps - that would be everyday dumbassery, any dwarf can do that. But drowning in a pool, while sitting on the bloody ramp which leads to freedom - and not because it took you so long to swim to the ramp, but because you swam to the ramp then sat under the water contemplating life until it ran out - THAT is legendary dumbassery.

Yours exasperatedly,
The Overseer.

PS. Don't think you're getting a burial or slab. I want you to come back as a ghost so the other dwarf's can laugh at you for your stupidity.

[MasterMorality]

Will somebody please destroy that trade depot? The merchants are going to the wrong one, it's been standing thee for a year now, but the Depot we want to use is up and running and we want the merchants to go there, rather than where they are.

[SkillageFTW]

Dear Urist,

Instead of working, I have noticed that you have been trying to bathe... in the rain.  You've gotten frustrated that you can't take a full bath in one droplet of rain, and yet you and your friends keep trying.  Please just get back to work and deal with it.

-The Overseer

[Kavalion]

Dear Dorfs,

There are 200 units of booze, but because you lightweights like to nurse your drinks, about a dozen dorfs have died of thirst while waiting for a barrel to become unoccupied.  Rather than bury them, it seems fitting to let them haunt you.  Enjoy your bad thoughts and poltergeists.

Sincerely,
Armok

[Niccolo]

Dear Urist McIdiotMiner;

This is a glacier. This means it's cold. This also means that if you dig into an aquifer, you should not immediately jump into the hole.

Thanks to your stupidity, I now have to hunt down a new miner. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Overseer of Swordhearth

[Awessum Possum]

Dear Dorfs,

Running away from mace goblins, on the other side of the magma moat, instead of shooting them with your siege weapons is stupid, you are stupid. You deserve to die you miserable cowards.

With lots of love,
Your dark overlord.

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Dorfs,

Running away from mace goblins, on the other side of the magma moat, instead of shooting them with your siege weapons is stupid, you are stupid. You deserve to die you miserable cowards.

With lots of love,
Your dark overlord.

But me eyes! Me eyes say the goblins can swim!

[Greiger]

To the residents of Lakespire

You were supposed to remind me to take you out of my work computer's USB slot.  Now what am I going to do to entertain myself til tomorrow?  Play Skyrim?

The Administration