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[Truean]

(The fact that I am smoother than an Eisenhower Era freeway and around morons who deserved to get arrested had nada to do with it).

Swimming in the Ocean is difficult. The emotional waves are unseen but real and soaking you. Flailing and complaining mean drowning. Take swimming lessons.

Those around you are drowning; they will pull you under if you don't realize what's happening. You can't save them and yourself from drowning emotionally. Choose; swim without splashing others.... Explanations are not buoyancy and won't keep your head above water. You can't swim for them, and you won't convince them to.

Learn to swim; here are lessons:

View from above. Imagine someone balling up their fists, repeatedly bashing them against your side while screaming they hate you at the top of their lungs, and demanding something. Imagine that person is 2 years old.... Context.... Perspective is important.

Sadly, too many people have the mentality, and emotional maturity of that 2 year old. They've had it reinforced for years, because as infants we cry to get what we need.... Nobody taught them to swim and the ineffective flailing was rewarded. Guess how they act? After all these years, that's not changing. Hurts them; annoys the hell out of everybody else. Here's the real kick in the head, nobody taught you (or most people) how to deal with this crap and you don't know how to deal with the waves they make.... We make the Ocean waves that drown each other and ourselves.

To obtain the bird's eye is to turn a blizzard to a breeze.

Swimming better means practice and conditioning yourself. Practice swimming to swim better, especially in rough waters. The conditioning will make it easier to deal with the rough waters. Preparation. So how do you practice here and what does that mean:

Remember that happy place, imaginary world to fantasize about when you're trying to go to sleep at night? Yeah, that. Consider, two scenarios, one where a person thinks better thoughts and one where someone obsesses over bad thoughts. Who do you think would do better generally in an adverse situation?

Focus on doing things to increase likelihood of good outcomes, vs how not to.... Difficult to explain; incredibly important. Generally, in any situation, focus on the future and what can be done to increase the odds of decent outcomes. It's doing what you can with what you have where you are.

Concerning the horrid customer situation example. Let's say you're working somewhere and some crazy jackass customer comes in with completely impossible screaming demands he or she has no intention of letting you fulfill. Look, you're just gonna get screamed at by this moron and so would anyone. What are the possible outcomes?

a.) You stoop to crazy jackass customer's level, then you get fired and / or have bad emotions because of this (see also, annoying and offensive internet troll).
b.) Transcend. Realize the situation (see above). Cover your ass (CYA). Aim to get through the situation in the best shape you can. If it is possible solve the customer's problem, but your primary goal is self preservation in this messed up situation (keep that bit to yourself). You're acting and putting on a meaningless show you need to detach yourself from. It's a performance during heckling. Not your fault.

Do what you need to while not appearing detached, that's the performance. It'll increase the odds of a decent outcome from that mess. Later, make up for it inside your imagination. I've had so many people threaten to hurt me, kill me, kill my family, etc, that at one point I very calmly told one of them to take a number to make it fair for the others who wanted to put me out of my misery. That's an extreme example I don't recommend emulating, but the circumstances were quite different from what I imagine most people face. I do hope you don't have to have a neo nazi skin head who beat the ever-loving hell out of some innocent Jewish gentleman staring you down, screaming you're selling him out. I called that Tuesday; everyone called me a monster for representing him. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Hi.... Doesn't mean he'll want to be appointed, but somebody's gotta be and damn that short straw loves to drawn by me.

Consider my alternatives.

I could have shown I was afraid (anyone who says they aren't in that situation is lying).
I could have gone off and screamed right back at him (deserved, but not desirable).
Stick to the customer service script

I mostly chose that last one, because it was the best option due to the increased chance of better outcome. Or, rather, the other two choices had a far lesser chance of good outcome. Later at night, I imagined far nicer things in my imaginary world while trying to sleep.

Those are some of the rudimentary swimming strokes. We'll try learning the individual movements of those before moving on to the more advanced swimming strokes.

I do hope that helps.  If you'd like, perhaps you might give an anonymous example of something you're having trouble with to be walked through?

[Robot Parade Leader]

Holy shit!

Um, yeah not sure what to say right now but can I get back to you with some problems I've got and things I'm not dealing with well like people?

So um, I guess as one of those let's say someone is just repeatedly asking me something they've asked me 6 times already as if they're not believing me? I've answered them and I guess they don't like the answer. It's literally time number 6 in a 5 minute period they've asked and there's that sort of tone of voice like they don't believe me.

"Did you close the windows?" (O god, yes, yes I totally did a while ago. Please tell me you believe I can close a bunch of windows. I'm smart enough for that).

[Truean]

Focus; Find; familiarize; figure out; be free.

You did a task you were told to do. Someone repeatedly asks if it is done.

Their motive, moves, and mood are irrelevant, because you can't control them. Know them, but know you can't alter them. It is their problem. A reasonable person would either verify closed windows, take your word for it, or some combination. Repeatedly asking you won't do much, and thus is unreasonable. That will NOT stop them from doing that though. Not much will.

Therefore, the only thing you can practically focus on is your reaction: in thought, emotion, and behavior. Focus on result desired. If required, repeat the answer and try not to let it get to you emotionally. I accomplish this through emotional distance and remembering that it doesn't matter how many times they question. The answer is the same. The sky will still be blue, and if you closed the windows, then they will have been closed.

Realize and familiarize yourself with the sad logical fallacy people delude themselves with. Somehow, people believe repeated questioning will change answers..... The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results.... So yeah, when people repeatedly ask you again and again..... Understanding and remembering this key fact seems to help, because it lets you realize, arguing is pointless in this instance, as is anything else.

Figure out the best course of action and do it, even if that means repeating. Take into account that people with power may well be wrong, but may also give you negative consequences if you piss them off (no matter how justified). Thus, don't piss them off. It's the same idea as saying "nice doggy" to a snarling mutt. A small retreat into your happy place for a short moment when safe and appropriate, may help. Also, "Root" yourself, focus on where you are and focus on what the best thing you can do is and how to do it.

Realize you can't control or stop the stupid questions.
Figure out coping and plan actions with best outcome probability.
Maintain yourself mentally and physically (that happy place imagining in safe spaces like bed).

I hope that helps somewhat.

[Robot Parade Leader]

I'm having a real problem not wanting to scream at somebody or scream or cry or something. Just feels like shit. What do I do with that feeling, cause I have no fucking idea?

[TheBiggerFish]

Get a hug?

*applies hugs*

I think Truean pretty much covered it.  And then some.  And then some more.

[gimlet]

I take a deep breath, concentrate on the breath itself to give myself a little pause if it's especially bad, and then CHOOSE my response.  Yeah sometimes it's frustrating not to be able to "retaliate" or "tell him off like he deserves", but I get a good feeling from exercising the control, and especially for witholding the knee jerk response that somebody is trying to provoke from me.  Also asking myself the question "Why is he trying to get me to react like that" tamps down the initial emotional reaction even more.  Or maybe  "This guy is trying to force these feelings on me and I'm not going to let that happen".

Another way to distance yourself is to realize that that initial rush of feelings is just body chemistry, trying to do it's best for your distant ancestors running around in tribes on the savannahs 100,000 years ago, and that it's almost always counter productive in modern social situations.  It's called the "Fight or Flight" response, and you need to control it and replace it with cunning and planning.

Sometimes I think of it in game terms, taking some trouble to level up the "InControl" skill, and ideally moving up the skill tree to "WhatDoIWantFromThisEncounter" and "StrategyToShapeMyEnvironment".  You know you have to pay the price, usually something like fatigue and happiness, to get the longer term gains.

So for me, choosing my response is "winning" the encounter, the positive feeling from that compensates for the effort of overcoming the emotional rush.  Also the general rule of thumb that uncontrolled responses, especially reflexive aggro for aggro or letting somebody push your buttons is almost always a "losing" strategy.   

[Truean]

Can't control people, who're mostly assholes. That's controlling the world; nope.

There is one, and only one, area you can control: your mind. The good news is you can have anything you want in your mind, but not physical objects. You clearly need the real world (obviously), but you're not going to have a gold veined marble mansion with luxury in the real world. Conversely, you see stupid rich people with everything who are somehow miserable. That's because they're morally and mentally bankrupt, but not financially. AKA rich bastards.

So as gimlet kinda says, controlling your mind and emotions is key. It is what you can control, difficult though that is. Controlling your mind may not make you materially rich, but it doesn't hurt and might help. One key aspect to this is not to allow others to alter your mind and mental domain.

Speaking of which, wanting to scream or cry, is (without judgment) a sign of someone changing your emotions. It is hard as hell, but that's something to work on for the longer term and permanent greatness.

Imagine having free virtual reality of the best kind you possibly could forever, for free. That's your imagination if you develop it. Part of that is controlling the emotions, thoughts, and images in your head in response to everything including other people.

So, concrete examples (in short) to deal with people being jerks to you include progressive muscle relaxation, mentally being half there (paying just enough attention not to get in trouble while you get screamed at, aka a variant of "smile and nod"), and others.

Please excuse me making this post kinda rushed. I'm sorta having some time issues at present, but I also didn't wanna leave you hanging so....

[Truean]

Ok, now that I have a little bit of time, let's put a little bit more into it.

Have an understanding of the situation, see my previous posts in this thread.

Two words: Loss Mitigation.

Shit happens. It could be happening to you, right now. There's not a whole lot you can do to stop it. Now, that's not comforting, but it is informative and helps deal with it. Apply loss mitigation (choosing the lesser of the evils):

1.) Obviously for real world consequences: screaming, hitting, etc, will probably lead to worse situations than the one you are in now. Clearly, avoid those. Same goes with lesser frowned upon behaviors.

2.) Mentally and emotionally: Again, you are dealing with most people having the emotional intelligence of an ill behaved two year old. Ever tried arguing or even conversing with a two year old when they want something they can't have (candy, ice cream for dinner, every single toy in the world, or to know "are we there yet?")? Yeah, it's not productive. Though not as obvious as the physical loss mitigation noted above in #1, it's just as important.

There are times you may just want to punch right through someone's stupidity, but that won't work out too well. What with the jail time and the arrest, and the maybe getting sued or hit back or something. Not a good idea, but you knew that. It's the same thing mentally and emotionally.

If you read some of the things I've posted here again, you'll see some ideas I have found helpful including changing your stimuli (things that effect you) mentally through imagining when it's safe and ok to do so (bed). This has multiple good effects including helping you sleep, stop thinking about other things instead of sleeping, and providing you with some good experiences (even if only imaginary ones, as opposed to none). Think about a movie that looked awesome in the trailer and previews, but then you see it and it ... sucked while really failing to live up to expectations. See how the expectations can alter your mood (before the real thing ruined it). Your imagination can be like that awesome looking movie trailer except it never has to disappoint you by not being what it was supposed to. One of the keys is to have those good trailers running in your head, and to do that, you have to control what's in your head. Easier said than done, I know but that's the goal.

I do hope this helps somewhat.

[Robot Parade Leader]

Yeah, it does help and thank you all.

I'm probably still going to have problems with this stuff for a while so I'm going to keep this open and if it's ok I'll ask some more questions and stuff.

[Tiruin]

Yeah, it does help and thank you all.

I'm probably still going to have problems with this stuff for a while so I'm going to keep this open and if it's ok I'll ask some more questions and stuff.

Tiny prod here.
One's interaction is always the result of one's understanding, their experience, and their perception onto what they see. So even their BEHAVIOR AND REACTION can affect how they, personally, react in future similar experiences. (Perception = Sensing the environment + Giving meaning to it)

So for that example, even simple 'descriptors' affect your perception as they are the meaning behind the words you use; there's wisdom in heeding parenting that gives discipline and detail to what you call other people. "Asshole, Jerk, Stupid..." All those terms, derogatory or otherwise, affect how you see others AND THUS how you may respond to them.

This follows how you think about any stimuli (actions) going towards you, too. :O Since we're all on a continuum of action in daily life.

I'm having a real problem not wanting to scream at somebody or scream or cry or something. Just feels like shit. What do I do with that feeling, cause I have no fucking idea?

Please note that feelings alone also have one's understanding and meaning to partially make up its effect on the person.
Part of that lies in how you have understood what has happened to you.

"Did you close the windows?" (O god, yes, yes I totally did a while ago. Please tell me you believe I can close a bunch of windows. I'm smart enough for that).

Do note that here, in a possible innocuous question, there is both one's perception, and one's sensation taking place. In studying a person's general cognitive understanding of the world around them, there is a foundation that generally everyone follows--seeking 'WHY'. In cases like these, there's the usual question of 'why are they repeating this D:'
This is when we begin to associate possibilities to give us an inference of an answer.
> Maybe they don't believe me?
> Maybe they don't trust me :I
> Maybe they're just making sure
As there's a LOT of ways to take these things--the best way to go around these is by mutual communication. You could ask why they're mentioning this and then mention what you feel if you're constantly asked, or you could go on a general personal understanding, by thinking something completely neutral in the least: "They just want to make sure. Security and all. It's how they proceed with things."

How you think about things also influences how you feel and react to things. Your perception and outlook is as valuable as any understanding coming forth from you. :3

As an aside, it may be best to plop down some notable people. Aaron Beck, and Albert Ellis: Both proponents of therapeutic procedures [Cognitive Behavioral Therapy//Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy], their research and detailing would generally help the masses as long as they're invested in learning and studying how these concepts apply in our thinking.

[Truean]

Tactics, strategy, viewpoint.

"How do I deal with people?" is an important but foolish question. It generalizes. Some generalizations are accurate; many aren't. The overwhelming majority of people, are stupid (careful of the arrogance trap). They try and fail to deal with life. They believe emotions just "happen" and essentially ransom minds. Replace "emotions" with "behaviors" and observe the absurdity. Yes, emotions are sometimes beyond control or influence, not always.  Sadly, most people never even TRY to influence their emotions. Failing to try is trying to fail.

You are probably dealing with these people.... Of course, they're foolish, stupid, and sometimes infuriating. Expect it; anticipate it; plan for it. Physically, they are adults, maybe elders; emotionally, they are 2 years old. You may well be speaking to morons; expect the obvious results. Cover your ass (CYA).

THIS has been the source of the world's problems forever: humans can't regulate emotions well, or at all:
Jealousy, rage, violence, war, drugs, just about everything, stems from this. The druggies are seeking a "high" (emotional state). War is frustration boiling over into violence, as is rage. Etc, etc, etc.

Most of humanity's problems are failures to find reasonable solutions, because of emotions.

Example HR: [rant]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Modern HR has gone insane with needless buzzwords and stupid ideas. Now, you can't use "responsible for," to describe resume duties, because "action words" are favored. This is stupid, because those action words were implied by "responsible for." Who would ever keep paying someone who didn't do what they were responsible for? Rhetorical, no one. There is a reason we did it that way before, but somebody changed it for BS emotional purposes. They have power; their emotions lack logic. Therefore, cope with their crap. It's a resume, not a thesaurus, and "managed" is the same as "oversaw," or "coordinated," etc.

Margins:
It's also about margins. Margins are immensely important and one of the more business-side benefits of an economics degree (that people have foolishly forgotten about). A margin (basically) is the cost and benefit of producing one more of something. In other words, it's the cost and benefit of taking another action (could be a personal thing you do or something a company does). Point being, it's about logically going over what to do next given all the things influencing you at the present (and possibly future via risk management). This is one way that may assist in dealing with bad situations: focusing on the goals through the bad situation. (Economics, "the dismal science," assumes the world is a crapshoot and in theory tries to make it less of one by producing more "goods."). It's a way to get the best you can out of a situation given the alternatives in front of you.

If you'd like, I can go over some of this stuff with behaviors, thoughts and emotions. That is, if you think it might help you.

[Robot Parade Leader]

One of the things that really gets me, is when I see some person being incredibly mean, yelling, being passive aggressive, accusatory. This is especially true when that person has power over me.

There's no real emotional fulfillment and I tend to dwell on that stuff. It sucks.

I'm trying to understand some of the stuff you're saying, but it's hard to implement when somebody's screaming at you.

[Truean]

The fact that you're trying is huge. Give yourself a little credit for that. Does it help at all to know that most people are actually screaming because they're hurting and in a trap they can't see and don't know how to get out of. It's nobody's fault, but all they can see is pain?

Right now I'm a little pressed for time, but I would like to respond as I'm sure others do as well. Never give up.

[Truean]

Everyone's life has dissatisfaction. This is an obvious, non insulting, important truth. Others' meanness comes from their inability to control this and desire to to so. The same is true of you and I, and all.... This desire is futile, and screaming, yelling, meanness, violence, etc are all failed manifestations of that futile desire. Sadly, the failure creates more dissatisfaction, everything just spirals out of control even worse from there. It is self sustaining misery machinery from desire to eliminate misery. Eliminating misery is impossible; coping is possible. Strive to cope.

Any screaming person is caught in this emotional storm, is unable to understand it, but battered by it all the same. Ultimately, we are all caught in it. See it; know it; cope with it. That is a lofty but reachable goal. Some will never, but some will.

Understand your brain is many parts, physiologically and psychologically. Here, we say the logical brain is the higher, more recently evolved part: thought, reason, etc. The primitive brain deal in emotions, flight or fight, anxiety, etc. It served cave people well. Your logical brain tries to make sense of the world as it can, but doesn't realize that primitive brain is very active both in yourself and others. Your primitive brain gives you anxiety, but remember, you're not the only one with a primitive brain.... Everyone else has that side too. So your logical brain is conflicting with your primitive brain (trying to understand your emotions), while also conflicting with everyone else's primitive brain. The same goes for them, though sadly some are more logical than others, some are far less, and more emotional....

The person yelling at you and provoking emotions from you is really your logical brain overwhelmed by your own primitive brain, and THE OTHER PERSON'S primitive brain. Meanwhile if and to the extent that they use the logical portion of their brain, it too is conflicted.....

Welcome to a very basic introductory anatomy of the storm.... These are some of the things causing waves in that emotional ocean tempest so few see but all feel. They're flailing at anything, and everything, not even aware that they are drowning, but certainly feeling the pressure in their lungs: that's water....

[Robot Parade Leader]

Ok, so you're right. I'm still not sure what to do with that when I'm being screamed at and made to feel like shit. I don't know if I get it.