Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Forum Games and Roleplaying => Roll To Dodge => Topic started by: NRDL on July 03, 2017, 08:37:08 pm
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Six players. Anything goes, you guys have theoretically infinite magical powers, which will in all likelihood take you from godhood to a fate worse than death and everything in between. Dice will be 1d6.
You all wake up in a village. It's a nice day out. Go fucking nuts.
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STAGGER BACK INTO YON TAVERN AND DEMAND SOME HAIR OF THE DOG FROM THE BARKEEP
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Go slightly and murderously insane from ever-maddening whispers of Elder Gods.
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fukgin YEHA
Perform ritual to displace the soul of an elder god from its body, letting me possess that body.
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Summon a car.
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Set up a coffeeshop.
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Go someplace else. Like, "another country" someplace else.
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A shimmer of light. "I, THE GREAT GOATSBY, HAVE... oh. WHERE AM I?"
Summon Ouroborous. I need a mount to get the fuck out of here, after all.
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STAGGER BACK INTO YON TAVERN AND DEMAND SOME HAIR OF THE DOG FROM THE BARKEEP
[2] You stagger into the local watering hole and immediately fall flat on your face. The denizens of the tavern laugh at you, pointing.
"Hey, sonny jim, you know yer supposed to start trippin' over yourself after you've had a few, right?" the bartender mocks, polishing one of his many eternally dirty mugs.
Go slightly and murderously insane from ever-maddening whispers of Elder Gods.
[4] The whispers are like tinnitus with words and agendas, they just WONT. LEAVE. YOU. ALONE. FINE! IA IA ELDER GOD FHTAGN!
[2] Your magic decides to respond to your collapsing sanity by letting loose the arcane equivalent of a massive fart. The residual magical force is enough to knock over nearby carts and stalls, as well as the people manning them.
People are starting to stare at you. They look pretty concerned.
fukgin YEHA
Perform ritual to displace the soul of an elder god from its body, letting me possess that body.
After meticulously setting out the Ward Stones and Astral Babies needed to tempt out an Elder God, you tear open a portal in reality, and out come the tentacles.
[5] Uttering words that cannot be put to text, you see the essence of the Elder God in all its Primeval, Unknowable glory. Grabbing with both hands, you wrench the tired, confused being's essence out of its writhing mass of notflesh, much to its confusion. Gleefully, you leave this pathetic mortal body and jump in.
You are now in control of an Elder God's corporeal form.
The Elder God's spirit flies about, unseen to all but the six mages. In this strange land, with no physical form, it's nearly powerless. With one, however...
Summon a car.
[1] You decide to pluck a car from another space and another time, unfortunately when it gets to you, its conglomerate parts aren't sure what the laws of physics are up to anymore and it promptly explodes, hitting you with shrapnel. At point blank range.
You are seriously injured. One more [1] roll and you are nonexistent.
Set up a coffeeshop.
[2] You imagine in your mind the ideal coffeeshop, and closing your eyes, you will it into existence.
CRASH!
When you open your eyes, you see the various raw materials ( wood, concrete, steel ) as well as a bunch of furniture on the ground, as if a tornado had deposited them there. Well, technically your coffeeshops' here. Just needs assembly.
Go someplace else. Like, "another country" someplace else.
[6] ( Yesssssss )
Nah, this village is too boring for your tastes. With a snap of your fingers, you teleport outta there.
The first thing you notice is the heat. Then the sulfur-y smell. Then the screaming. The sounds are coming from all around you, and the only light source appears to be this omnipresent red glow.
Well you wanted to get out fast, hope the Pit Down Under suits you.
[5] Yoo a demun?, a voice says from behind you. It's a dumb looking minotaur holding a pitchfork. He's scratching his head in confusion.
Sorry Mallos, bit late. Someone's gonna die eventually, then you can get in.
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FUCK YEAH BITCHES
Use my new Elder God powers and my magic to trap the soul of the being I just bodyjacked in a crystal that happens to be completely psychically inert so the thing can't whisper its way out of it.
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Summon an ambulance
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Get that Elder God spirit inside me. ASAP!
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Sigged.
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Summon a magical spirit of assembly, then force it to assemble the coffeeshop. After that, it can do whatever it likes so long as it doesn't act against me.
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RAISE MY SCOWLING FACE FROM THE FLOOR AND TELEKINETICALLY GLASS THE BARTENDER WITH HIS OWN GRUBBY GLASSWARE. THEN, STAND AND DUST MYSELF OFF BEFORE GRACEFULLY VAULTING THE BAR TO AVAIL MYSELF OF THE NOW-UNTENDED LIQUOR
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Sorry Mallos, bit late. Someone's gonna die eventually, then you can get in.
Didn't even notice. Oh well.
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Go and become a serial killer in disguise of a town drunk
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Alright, what I'm gonna do is do the turns of the first six people who post, regardless of whether they were in the starting six or not. Mallos, since you posted initially, you're in for this turn, at the end. It'll be first come first served for six players, each turn.
FUCK YEAH BITCHES
Use my new Elder God powers and my magic to trap the soul of the being I just bodyjacked in a crystal that happens to be completely psychically inert so the thing can't whisper its way out of it.
[3] The powers of your new form are mighty indeed. In the material realm, you manifest as a multitude of eldritch tentacles ( for now ) and in the Plane of Horrors, which is where the portal opens to you're...something else. It's really difficult to explain. Suffice to say, in the dimension your "body" is from, it's malleable.
That being said, you decide to knock the Elder God even further to the curb. Reaching out with your tentacles, you conjure up a crystal out of thin air. You attempt to grab the Ethereal Elder God with your appendages, but upon feeling the touch of its former body, it fights back. Elder God is pissed, something it hasn't had to feel in a very long time, and is currently stalemating your attempts to grab ahold of it.
Summon an ambulance
[4] You don't summon an ambulance itself, but you do manage to transport a modern day paramedic crew with equipment to your location. They're very confused, but upon seeing the car wreckage as well as your injuries, they get to work.
You are no longer about to die. Still quite injured though, according to your paramedics mostly due to shrapnel near your organs. For now, you're stabilised.
Get that Elder God spirit inside me. ASAP!
Seeing the tattered and forlorn essence of the Elder God swirling above you, you open your body being in order to welcome it, so that it may materialise in the physical realm, and share its knowledge and power with you.
Unfortunately, [3] the actions of the Tentacles coming out of the portal are currently locking the Ethereal God in a state of "combat", and so it cannot hear your psychic cries for fusion.
Summon a magical spirit of assembly, then force it to assemble the coffeeshop. After that, it can do whatever it likes so long as it doesn't act against me.
[6] Opening a channel to the shadow realm, you contract out an assembler spirit. He materialises in a puff of smoke, calling himself Job the Builder. In a literal blink of an eye, Job possesses the various coffeeshop parts and assembles them lickety split. Your coffeeshop is built!
"Now, sir, that'll just be one immortal soul."
What? This wasn't part of the contract! you say.
"Shoulda read the fine print buddy. If you don't cough up, we're taking your soul AND the shop."
Vanishing once again, you see Job enter your mint condition Coffeeshop, and to your horror, the building grows legs and arms!
You are now fighting the Coffee Shop monster.
RAISE MY SCOWLING FACE FROM THE FLOOR AND TELEKINETICALLY GLASS THE BARTENDER WITH HIS OWN GRUBBY GLASSWARE. THEN, STAND AND DUST MYSELF OFF BEFORE GRACEFULLY VAULTING THE BAR TO AVAIL MYSELF OF THE NOW-UNTENDED LIQUOR
[4] Smoke practically coming out of your ears, you pick yourself and fling the glass straight into the bartender's face. It doesn't break, but its definitely enough to knock the man off his feet, and you can hear him moaning in pain behind the counter.
[3] You are about to vault over said counter and claim your hard won liquor when a patron near you grabs your arm.
"Buddy, he didn't mean nothing by that, we're all friends here right? Let's not take this out of hand, okay?"
A shimmer of light. "I, THE GREAT GOATSBY, HAVE... oh. WHERE AM I?"
Summon Ouroborous. I need a mount to get the fuck out of here, after all.
[1] You try and summon the serpent that eats itself. Unfortunately, as a paradoxical creature, it can only exist in the theoretical realm, and upon coming into contact with this reality it shudders and dies.
"HE WASSSS MY FRIEND. HOW DARE YOUUUUUU."
Oh dear. Out of the portal you plucked the Ouroboros from, the Midgard Serpent Jormungander has appeared. Specifically, it's face. Which is as large as a mountain. Welp.
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AW C'MON YOU FARKIN PANSY BITCH, GET IN MY CRYSTAL SO I CAN USE YOU AS A POWER SOURCE
GIT IN MAH CRYSTAL
the elder god that is, not me
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Thank the paramedics then send them back to the future.
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"WHAT... THAT'S FUCKING DISAPPOINTING. IT WORKED LAST TIME, WHAT SHITTY BERENSTAIN BEARS WORLD DO I LIVE IN?"
THE GREAT GOATSBY looks confused, or at least as confused as a goat can look HE IS TOTALLY A HUMAN. DISREGARD.
"WAIT, AREN'T YOU JUST LIKE... ANOTHER INTERPRETATION OF OUROBOROUS? GUESS IT WORKED AFTER ALL."
Magically enslave Jormungandr.
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Become a serial killer in disguise of the Town Drunk
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"One immortal soul, you say. Not necessarily mine, I say." Rip out a paramedic's soul and pay with that.
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MAXIMAL FUSION! POWER OF A THOUSAND TENTACLES SHALL BE MINE!
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Last turn for the day. Night everyone.
AW C'MON YOU FARKIN PANSY BITCH, GET IN MY CRYSTAL SO I CAN USE YOU AS A POWER SOURCE
GIT IN MAH CRYSTAL
the elder god that is, not me
[6] ( Mein Gott )
Utilising your magical reserves, as well as the Overpowering Presence provided by your new form, you latch onto the Ethereal God and successfully cram it into the Crystal. Unfortunately, before you can completely seal it and prevent its influence from leaking out, the Crystal falls from your Eldritch Grip!
See Sarrak's turn for what happens.
Thank the paramedics then send them back to the future.
[1] You thank these hardworking heroes for doing their job, and proceed to return them to their time, but one of them suddenly has their soul ripped from their body! ( See FallacyofUrist's turn )
The other one is understandably upset, and in her anger, punches you in the face! Ouch. Knocking you down certainly doesn't help keeping your wounds un-aggravated. You are once again at risk of bleeding out.
"WHAT... THAT'S FUCKING DISAPPOINTING. IT WORKED LAST TIME, WHAT SHITTY BERENSTAIN BEARS WORLD DO I LIVE IN?"
THE GREAT GOATSBY looks confused, or at least as confused as a goat can look HE IS TOTALLY A HUMAN. DISREGARD.
"WAIT, AREN'T YOU JUST LIKE... ANOTHER INTERPRETATION OF OUROBOROUS? GUESS IT WORKED AFTER ALL."
Magically enslave Jormungandr.
[5] Deciding to take advantage of what is effectively a super-sized Ouroboros, you reach into the angry World Serpent's mind and successfully dominate its mind! Apparently waiting for Ragnarok has left its mental faculties rusty, so your mastery is quick and effective.
You now have the fucking World Serpent as a mount.
Become a serial killer in disguise of the Town Drunk
[6] You immediately magically wrap yourself in the garments of your average drunken wastrel, and with this FOOLPROOF disguise, you strangle some poor washer woman going about her day. In the scuffle, however, your poor victim managed to claw you in the face. When the people find her body, they notice the blood on her hands, and its only a matter of time before your scars are noticed as well.
"One immortal soul, you say. Not necessarily mine, I say." Rip out a paramedic's soul and pay with that.
[5] You take the soul of the hapless paramedic nearby, and offer it to the Coffeeshop Monster. Job exits the Monster, which reverts back to a normal caffeine establishment. Taking the screaming and terrified, Job shakes your hand and heads off.
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a non-possessed Coffeeshop.
MAXIMAL FUSION! POWER OF A THOUSAND TENTACLES SHALL BE MINE!
You attempt to fuse your being with the Ethereal God, but you instead watch in horror as its essence is contained in a crystal by the very Tentacled body it once had. Suddenly, though, the Crystal slips! Reaching forward, you [2] do not catch it, and it rolls off, seemingly with a will of its own.
"I know you can hear me..., a voice says. It comes from the crystal! But where is it?
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"ALL BECOMES RIGHT, GIVEN THE PROPER NUDGE. YIP-YIP, MOTHERFUCKER."
Climb on the World Serpent's back. Ride him to a more densely populated area: I need a large and defenseless population to experiment on.
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Ah, Hellstralia. Wonderful.
{carefully} Study the wildlife, including that soul crystal that just rolled up to my foot.
"Ah, why hello there, Minotaur. No, I am not a demon..." [eyes glow blue, air around me cools drastically] "I am significantly more powerful than that."
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"Uh, sorry." Heal zilzo by transforming his body into his subconscious ideal form.
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"No problem"
Before Job goes away I try to swap the paramedic soul with the the souls of two random people in the town
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Heh. Simple. Fuse with my surroundings. Crystal is nearby, so it will be affected.
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Try to heal my wounds with magic and maybe a bit of bandage
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Kill one of the 6 nearby, non-immortal-controlling mages before they can do anything so that I can have a turn.
Shut up, that's totally how this works.
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Xan is just chilling since not in the first six.
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"ALL BECOMES RIGHT, GIVEN THE PROPER NUDGE. YIP-YIP, MOTHERFUCKER."
Climb on the World Serpent's back. Ride him to a more densely populated area: I need a large and defenseless population to experiment on.
[6] Riding your World Serpent, you head north, to the city of...honestly, you don't know, you haven't asked. And you're probably not going to be able to, since in your inability to break your World Serpent in time, you've kinda crushed half the city. The half that's survived is rather peeved, to say the least.
Ah, Hellstralia. Wonderful.
{carefully} Study the wildlife, including that soul crystal that just rolled up to my foot.
"Ah, why hello there, Minotaur. No, I am not a demon..." [eyes glow blue, air around me cools drastically] "I am significantly more powerful than that."
[1] MOOOOOOOOOOOh!!!! the minotaur suddenly bellows. INTRUUUUUUDAAAAHHH!
The minotaur lunges at you with the pitchfork! [6] It's a direct hit to your chest! In the struggle, the minotaur loses hold of it, and seems almost confused as to where you are, so lost is it in its bloodlust.
Roll a [1] on your next turn and you're dead.
"Uh, sorry." Heal zilzo by transforming his body into his subconscious ideal form.
[6] Helping out your fellow mage, you decide to heal his body, and then some. Concentrating, you change the essential form of Ziizo's body, turning it into *Ziizo inserts description in his turn.*
This meticulous act of magic has drained you a fair bit however. -1 to your roll for the next turn, except for [1] rolls.
"No problem"
Before Job goes away I try to swap the paramedic soul with the the souls of two random people in the town
Job's already gone, so that's no dice. The paramedic is still in shock and weeping next to you. But hey, at least now you are *insert description of your ideal form here.*
Heh. Simple. Fuse with my surroundings. Crystal is nearby, so it will be affected.
[3] You attempt to meld entirely with your surroundings, but the strain of losing yourself entirely is a bit too much for your slightly fractured mind. Still, you know the crystal is close, and the giant Tentacled former mage clearly doesn't know exactly where it is either.
Try to heal my wounds with magic and maybe a bit of bandage
[3] You manage to cover your wound a bit with some torn cloth, which means it can't be easily seen, but you're still riding the high of your first skill and are unable to completely heal it up with magic. For now, your cover's intact.
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To cover up even more,go to the near tavern and beg for alcochol
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...*sigh*.
Go home to Greenland.
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Enter the coffeeshop. Conjure up a magical coffee machine!
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Eat someone. Whole. In one bite. Become massive ant queen, and start building my hive below this town.
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Turn nearby citizens into loyal mutant servants.
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My ideal form is a horse sized dragon with the tail being replaced with a scorpion one and tentacles that can be used as arms.
Go in a search for a bag of the greatest coffee grains in the universe. I have to pay back to FallacyofUrist somehow.
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Dang quick posters! I'd reshape the world to something better suited to my experimentation if I'd posted in the first six.
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To cover up even more,go to the near tavern and beg for alcochol
[5] You decide to go balls deep into your cover role, awkwardly begging for alcohol. Inside the tavern, you see a fellow mage get in an altercation with the bartender, with other patrons trying to deescalate.
Some sap takes pity on you and gives you a mug of ale. Mug of ale gained.
...*sigh*.
Go home to Greenland.
[4] With a fucking pitchfork stuck in your chest, you teleport outta there. You are now in Greenland. Specifically, a Norse settlement. It's a different village, with different people, but that's about it. You're still gonna die the next time you roll a [1]
Enter the coffeeshop. Conjure up a magical coffee machine!
[2] You are about to conjure up a coffee machine when you see, you already have one! Must've come with the furniture.
...Huh, doesn't look like there's any coffee beans in the building. Darn.
Eat someone. Whole. In one bite. Become massive ant queen, and start building my hive below this town.
[4] You manage to eat a person off the street, without anybody noticing. It's more like two bites, a bit of it kinda split apart when you unhinged your magical jaws and took a chomp.
[1] Attempting to convert the biomass into a new physical transformation, your stomach grumbling distracts you. Instead of becoming a massive ant queen, you instead turn into a helpless ant larva. At least you're still sentient, and capable of using magic.
Turn nearby citizens into loyal mutant servants.
[3] From atop Jormungandr, you weave a spell to transform and ensnare the surviving populace. It kinda fizzles out, partly due to the fact that you're being peppered with arrows.
[6] The local militia has struck, and one of their archers from the tops of their tallest buildings manages to put an arrow through your throat. You die if you roll a [1] next turn. More of the bastards are forming up and are trying to figure out how to scale the World Serpent.
My ideal form is a horse sized dragon with the tail being replaced with a scorpion one and tentacles that can be used as arms.
Go in a search for a bag of the greatest coffee grains in the universe. I have to pay back to FallacyofUrist somehow.
You are now a small dragon, with a scorpionid stinger and in place of frontal arms, tentacles.
[4] Focusing your detecting magic, you scan existence for the greatest coffee beans in the universe. There! They're in the Jungle dimension, on a specific tree. It'd be trivial to get there now that you've focused on the Plane in question, although exactly where you'll end up is always a bit tricky.
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Travel to the jungle dimension.
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Get my subjects to help me out with the healing.
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Actually, I've pretty much achieved my goals now that I'm an Elder God. Go fuck off into the infinite dimensions and do inscrutable things for the rest of eternity like the wizardy God I am.
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You are about to vault over said counter and claim your hard won liquor when a patron near you grabs your arm.
"Buddy, he didn't mean nothing by that, we're all friends here right? Let's not take this out of hand, okay?"
"OH... RIGHT YOU ARE. I'VE LET MY TEMPER GET THE BETTER OF ME AGAIN. I AM SO SORRY."
GIVE A SORROWFUL APOLOGY AND LEAVE THE TAVERN, HEAD BOWED IN GUILT AND SHAME OVER MY ACTIONS
... THEN BLAST THE ROOF OF THAT VILE DEN WITH A FIREBALL AND COLLAPSE THE ENTIRE BURNING MESS WITH A FOLLOW-UP FORCE SPELL, PREFERABLY INTO A NEARBY DITCH, GULLY OR BODY OF WATER. OR OFF A CLIFF, IF I'M REALLY LUCKY
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Cast a spell onto the coffeeshop to ensure it gets the attention of customers!
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Cast a healing spell on myself. Command Jormungandr to fucking destroy the militia.
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Aargh! Raid the GM's rules, and make it so that, if the 7th mage to post an action after the turn had no action in that turn, they're in the next turn instead of the last mage from the prior turn to post an action.
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Aargh! Raid the GM's rules, and make it so that, if the 7th mage to post an action after the turn had no action in that turn, they're in the next turn instead of the last mage from the prior turn to post an action.
I don't think that's going to work, given that this 7th action is probably not even being taken into consideration.
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I love how it's always the seventh poster who tries to do something about the six players per turn limit.
Travel to the jungle dimension.
[5] Transplanting your physical form to the jungle dimension, you find yourself smack dab in the middle of the fucking thing. It really lives up to the name. Foliage, the hum of unseen animals, just really atmospheric and green. Ah there! There's the greatest Coffee plant in the universe. Now it's just a matter of harvesting it without messing up...
Get my subjects to help me out with the healing.
[1] You don't have any subjects. At least not that I'm aware of. Realising this depressing fact is the final straw. U Die.
But hey, now that the rules have changed, you can just roll again! Provided you're fast enough.
Actually, I've pretty much achieved my goals now that I'm an Elder God. Go fuck off into the infinite dimensions and do inscrutable things for the rest of eternity like the wizardy God I am.
[6] ( wow )
Retreating back into the portal, you bask in the...feeling? of becoming completely beyond the concepts of material and immaterial. You are many things and nothings. Guided by your wizardly ambition, you become onemanyall with the everything.andeverythingjuststartstoloseallmeaning.causeNOTHINGmattersbutYOUandEVERYTHINGisDUSTBEFOREYOURFEETANDVARIOUSAPPENDAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES-.
Ahem. Well that was a fun eternity in a blink of an eye. You're kinda bored now.
You are about to vault over said counter and claim your hard won liquor when a patron near you grabs your arm.
"Buddy, he didn't mean nothing by that, we're all friends here right? Let's not take this out of hand, okay?"
"OH... RIGHT YOU ARE. I'VE LET MY TEMPER GET THE BETTER OF ME AGAIN. I AM SO SORRY."
GIVE A SORROWFUL APOLOGY AND LEAVE THE TAVERN, HEAD BOWED IN GUILT AND SHAME OVER MY ACTIONS
... THEN BLAST THE ROOF OF THAT VILE DEN WITH A FIREBALL AND COLLAPSE THE ENTIRE BURNING MESS WITH A FOLLOW-UP FORCE SPELL, PREFERABLY INTO A NEARBY DITCH, GULLY OR BODY OF WATER. OR OFF A CLIFF, IF I'M REALLY LUCKY
[6] You give the apology of your lifetime, completely setting the mood at ease, before making a fairly dignified exit.
The tavern is vaporised in a flash. Your pyromancy elevated to new heights by your hate, you burn the wretched place to the ground, telekinetically compress the ashes, and toss the whole damn thing of a small cliff on the edge of the town.
You smile, satisfied to yourself. Suddenly, you're hit by a blast of pure arcane energy. It's PaPaj! He was knocked unconscious in your blast and his body has defended itself without his own conscious effort. His body is now on autopilot, and will continue to blast you ( the hostile threat ) with magic until he actually posts a turn and decides to wake up.
Cast a spell onto the coffeeshop to ensure it gets the attention of customers!
[4] Weaving your magic, you create a psychic beacon around your coffeeshop, enticing people to enter. The villagers, already intrigued ( at least the ones that aren't terrified out of their minds by all the weird shit happening around them ) decide to enter. They seem quite interested. You still don't have any coffee, and it's only a matter of time before these people realise there's nothing to buy yet.
Cast a healing spell on myself. Command Jormungandr to fucking destroy the militia.
[1] Your bloodloss is enough to weaken your hold over Jormungandr's mind, and the irate World Serpent bucks you off. Into the stratosphere. U dead.
Roll again?
Satisfied as I am with the death of not one but TWO wizards, I'm increasing the player cap to seven for the next few turns.
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And now, I may search for crystal undisturbed.
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use my tentacles to harvest as much coffee as possible.
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Practice my polymorphing spell on Papaj.
Glad you stretched the player limit, NRDL. If you didn't, I would've spent my action on altering the flow of time in the universe to not preference the first 6 mages that knew what they wanted to do next.
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PM me when you'll have a place for another player... PTW for now.
Oh, nevermind. I can post, I just need to be in the first 7 posters... It makes me 4th poster, then.
Go outside and breathe some fresh village air.
Summon giant, flying, acid-shitting ass (literal, not donkey), then saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If some smarty-pants pirate(s) will try to shoot at me, my flying ass mount shall shit acid on him/her/them.
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...
*processing, processing*
Well, ain't dying a weird sensation?
Now let's figure out why I still feel stuff.
Examine my body, and determine why I'm no longer dead.
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[1] Your bloodloss is enough to weaken your hold over Jormungandr's mind, and the irate World Serpent bucks you off. Into the stratosphere. U dead.
Roll again?
Is this reality? 1/6 chance to die and I do. I'm shit out of luck lately.
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Age rapidly to become cow sized queen ant. Search for a suitable place to start my hive.
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Go into a dark alleyway and make a legendary dagger of total annihilation appear
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Welp, nothing to do about that boredom other than devour all of reality, I guess.
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And now, I may search for crystal undisturbed.
[2] Goddsdammnit, where is the fucking crystal!? You search and search, but it keeps eluding you. The various visual and auditory hallucinations, some of which aren't actually whisperings of mad gods, are also REALLY distracting.
use my tentacles to harvest as much coffee as possible.
[1] Reaching out your draconic tentacles, you carefully harvest the coffee beans-
SLASH!
AAAAAAAhhhh! Half of your tentacles were just slashed off. Looking to your left, the bastard who cut you is smiling.
It's an elven ninja, dressed in what appears to be leaves and skins, wielding a katana made of pure obsidian.
"You shall not take the beans. Not on my watch!"
Practice my polymorphing spell on Papaj.
[6] You decide to hit the unconscious PaPaj with a polymorph spell. It's a VERY powerful hit, so you are completely capable of turning him into whatever you want. Insert Papaj's new form here.
In the process, as you do so, PaPaj wakes up. Auto-mage defense cancelled.
Go outside and breathe some fresh village air.
Summon giant, flying, acid-shitting ass (literal, not donkey), then saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If some smarty-pants pirate(s) will try to shoot at me, my flying ass mount shall shit acid on him/her/them.
[6] You breathe some fresh village air. Your lungs are fucking cleansed by this purifying shit.
[2] You summon an utter monster of a donkey, but due to the utter freshness of the air, you get distracted and instead summon Eddie Murphy from the first Shrek movie.
You still manage to saddle him though.
...
*processing, processing*
Well, ain't dying a weird sensation?
Now let's figure out why I still feel stuff.
Examine my body, and determine why I'm no longer dead.
[2] You try and examine your body, but you're given a swift kick in the ass by some unseen higher power. Specifically me. Ur not ded cuz Aye say ur not. When in doubt:
A wizard did it.
Now get out there and get back to living!
Age rapidly to become cow sized queen ant. Search for a suitable place to start my hive.
[4] You magically age yourself up. You're not a queen yet, more like a praetorian, the step right before queen. Allows for some better mobility, and physically you're the strongest sort of giant ant soldier.
[3] You try and search for a new place to live, and there's a good spot, but it'll take next turn to get there.
Go into a dark alleyway and make a legendary dagger of total annihilation appear
Please check OceanSoul's turn to see what happened to you.
Having been woken up from your inbuilt mage-defense coma, [6] you decide to conjure up a legendary dagger of total annihilation.
Eh, Presto! There it is. This dagger will kill fucking anything...but only a roll of 2 or lower.
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"Sarda, you a**hole, leave me alone."
Pull that soul crystal out of my shoe, it's annoying.
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Conjure up a television showing zilzo and the elf ninja and the coffee.
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Flee into a building, preferably another taver, saloon or pub. This settlement has more than one watering hole, right?
Failing that, something like a coffee shop would do. Damn this hangover.
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Hmm, how about snake from the waist down, 2 feet tall, snake eyes, forked tongue, and warm blooded?
As for my actual action, practice my polymorphing on various animals in the village, turning them into other simple animals.
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Travel to the spot and begin excavating. Once complete, become a queen, and lay the first batch of eggs.
-
Use a time spell to make so the ninja-elf watch ended one second ago
-
My search is endless!
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"Sarda, you a**hole, leave me alone."
Pull that soul crystal out of my shoe, it's annoying.
[3] Soul Crystal ain't in your shoe, whatcha talkin about Willis.
Also as a fan of 8 bit theatre, you get a cookie.
Conjure up a television showing zilzo and the elf ninja and the coffee.
[6] You create not a television, but a direct portal to the action. The villagers are entranced. It takes a second for you to realise that technically, all manner of things can cross back and forth between your Coffeeshop and the jungle dimension.
Flee into a building, preferably another taver, saloon or pub. This settlement has more than one watering hole, right?
Failing that, something like a coffee shop would do. Damn this hangover.
[3] Oh look, there's a coffeeshop right there. You fumble a bit with the door in your hungover state, so it'll take till next turn to actually enter the premises.
Hmm, how about snake from the waist down, 2 feet tall, snake eyes, forked tongue, and warm blooded?
As for my actual action, practice my polymorphing on various animals in the village, turning them into other simple animals.
PaPaj's new form is so.
[3] You try to get other animals to shape shift into other animals, but as soon as their bodies fizzle into a malleable state, they just snap back to their original forms. The animals are certainly agitated by their body-bending experience.
Travel to the spot and begin excavating. Once complete, become a queen, and lay the first batch of eggs.
[4] You head to the spot, to the west of the town, and start burrowing down. You make good progress, setting up the structure of a small nest, allowing for food storage, hatcheries, and living space. You're a bit puffed, so you're gonna have to complete your metamorphosis next turn.
Use a time spell to make so the ninja-elf watch ended one second ago
[4] You decide to not only mess with time, but also the very concept of a "watch", using your magic. Reality bends around you, and the Ninjelf realises that it's watch has technically ended.
[3] "Hmm, fine, this isn't my job anymore. But you still have no claim to these, the GREATEST BEANS IN THE UNIVERSE. Give me cause to aid you, and I shall harvest the coffee beans myself, at no cost.", the Ninjelf says, sheathing his sword
My search is endless!
[4] THERE! There it is, fricking finally! You rush and grab the crystal, holding it in your shaking hands.
"Release me, mortal. And your reward shall be great and terrible."
You hear its voice. The question is now, how do you do it?
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"Wait, something is not entirely right... WHERE IS MY FLYING ASS?!"
Get off from Eddie Murphy
Try to summon flying, giant, acid-shitting ass again, and if successful, saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If I arrive in Somalia, use my magic to give me fluency in Somali language.
-
Right, chillaxing done! Eat reality.
-
ONCE INSIDE THE COFFEESHOP, CAST TIME-WARPING MAGIC TO RETROACTIVELY CAPITALISE LAST ACTION
THEN DETERMINE WHETHER "IRISH COFFEE" EXISTS IN THIS SETTING, LET ALONE THIS CAFE
IF NOT, JUST SETTLE FOR SOME STRONG BLACK COFFEE AND MAYBE LIKE, A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN OR SOME SHIT
-
Proceed gleefully!
-
I am gonna channel my energy into the legendary dagger of total annihilation and stab Ocean with it
-
"Well I can open portals to anywhere and anywhen. So to Which kind of cause you want to join?"
-
Fine, no soul crystal.
Observe my surroundings. Am I still in Greenland? Have I returned to Hellstralia, or the original location? Am I somewhere completely different?
EDIT: Oh, hey, I'm #7. Mind having my action occur anyway?
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"Wait, something is not entirely right... WHERE IS MY FLYING ASS?!"
Get off from Eddie Murphy
Try to summon flying, giant, acid-shitting ass again, and if successful, saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If I arrive in Somalia, use my magic to give me fluency in Somali language.
[6] You somersault off of Eddie Murphy, stubbing your toe in the landing. Ouch.
[1] The pain from your busted toe throws off your game, and instead of what you want you summon a tiny, flightless, ass-shitting blob of acid. Which falls on your face. FUUUUUUU-
Your head is currently being eaten to the bone by an acidic I don't even know anymore.
One more [1] roll and u dead.
Right, chillaxing done! Eat reality.
[3] Damn, reality's chewy. You've only just started affecting the endless expanse surrounding you in the immaterial realm, it'll take time before you start completely destabilising everything else.
ONCE INSIDE THE COFFEESHOP, CAST TIME-WARPING MAGIC TO RETROACTIVELY CAPITALISE LAST ACTION
THEN DETERMINE WHETHER "IRISH COFFEE" EXISTS IN THIS SETTING, LET ALONE THIS CAFE
IF NOT, JUST SETTLE FOR SOME STRONG BLACK COFFEE AND MAYBE LIKE, A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN OR SOME SHIT
[4] Setting really isn't a limitation in this fucked up game. You enter the cafe, and order an Irish Coffee. The coffee isn't available yet, but there are blueberry muffins. You buy one.
Proceed gleefully!
[6] ( seriously )
Reaching into the very core of your self, you draw out the utter limit of you reality warping magic, and shatter the crystal like the puny bauble it is.
Thank you.
Mad visions through your mind. Ages spent dead/unalive, having witnessed the birth of the universe as well as its coming destruction. Knowledge beyond what any mind can process, giving you a greater understanding of all and nothing.
Every roll you get will either be a [6] or a [1]. Remind me of this rule in case I forget in a future turn.
Now, we are one.
I am gonna channel my energy into the legendary dagger of total annihilation and stab Ocean with it
[2] Hitting at just the right time, the energies surrounding and within the dagger coalesce into its perfect form. OceanSoul implodes in a puff of light.
OceanSoul is DEAD
"Well I can open portals to anywhere and anywhen. So to Which kind of cause you want to join?"
"I am sworn to the protection and preservation of all nature. Promise to send me where injustice towards the Green is perpetrated, and I shall aid you. My sword shall taste the blood of Nature's defilers."
Seems like a fair deal. You take it?
Fine, no soul crystal.
Observe my surroundings. Am I still in Greenland? Have I returned to Hellstralia, or the original location? Am I somewhere completely different?
EDIT: Oh, hey, I'm #7. Mind having my action occur anyway?
The giant ass text in previous turns DO say that the player count has been increased. So yes, you're in.
You're still in Greenland, in said viking village. Pretty sure you've still got a pitchfork in your chest.
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Cause literal rain of cats and dogs.
-
Oh, that. Yeah, fix that up.
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Ask why I died when my killer rolled a 2. It can't be because the dagger was legendary, right?
Edit: NRDL just PM'd me why.
Go into a dark alleyway and make a legendary dagger of total annihilation appear
Please check OceanSoul's turn to see what happened to you.
Having been woken up from your inbuilt mage-defense coma, [6] you decide to conjure up a legendary dagger of total annihilation.
Eh, Presto! There it is. This dagger will kill fucking anything...but only a roll of 2 or lower.
Respawn/revive, negate the power of the dagger.
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Open a portal to 2016 the amazon forest. "Go nuts buddy! You will probably never run out of work there"
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niBBA you don't fuck with the guy that has the Legendary Dagger of Total Annihilation
Try to get myself into my normal human form again
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Damn elder gods stealing my shtick! Continue eating reality!
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Create a barrier to block the portal that only allows mages through. Cheer on zilzo.
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Finish my metamorphosis, lay some larvae.
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Just evil mad laughs cause I'm late. Finally, WE ARE ONE!
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ATTEMPT TO AT LEAST SIP MY BOOZY COFFEE DESPITE BEING TENTH POSTER
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Cause literal rain of cats and dogs.
[5] This is about as straightforward a spell as they come. Felines and Canines start pouring from the heavens, some of which land on their feet, others are less fortunate and land on fences or sharp objects. The place is now infested with the things.
Oh, that. Yeah, fix that up.
The lack of bolding your action displeases the GM.
[3] Nevertheless, you're able to pull out the pitchfork, and temporarily staunch the bleeding, but the wound's still open. You're not gonna die immediately, but infection could set in, and any sort of failure will put you on death's door again.
Respawn/revive, negate the power of the dagger.
[6] Popping back into existence, you decide to nullify the threat of the dagger, and use your magical influence to end it.
It...doesn't work out quite as intended. You've completely managed to make the dagger harmless towards yourself, but IT CAN NOW INSTAKILL EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ELSE, WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO ROLL FOR IT.
Nice job unleashing that on the world.
Open a portal to 2016 the amazon forest. "Go nuts buddy! You will probably never run out of work there"
"Thank you, kind sir. Here, let me fulfil my end of the bargain."
The Ninjelf pops down a smoke pellet, and once it clears, a sack of the greatest coffee beans in existence lays at your feet. The Environmental Sword of Justice is nowhere to be seen.
You have completed your quest!
niBBA you don't fuck with the guy that has the Legendary Dagger of Total Annihilation
Try to get myself into my normal human form again
[3] Try as you might, you're still stuck as a small snake thing. But hey, if you've been paying attention to the Giant Ass Text, your Dagger of Total Annihilation has gotten a MAJOR upgrade...against everyone except OceanSoul. As long as you can physically reach someone, they're toast.
Damn elder gods stealing my shtick! Continue eating reality!
[3] Seriously, maybe you should try and get a refund for this reality, it's too damn inedible. You keep on trying.
Erm, great bheruibahenbineinvjnjwenfaiwen, Unspeakable One, may your servants humbly request you...refrain, from devouring reality? We kinda like existing, a bunch of small spirit-things ask while hovering around your metaphorical ears. They appear to be unaware of the change in management.
Create a barrier to block the portal that only allows mages through. Cheer on zilzo.
Ziizo did it! All that's left is for him to get back through the portal with your coffee beans. Hopefully nothing or nobody gets fucked up by the next turn ;D
Remember everybody, GIANT ASS TEXT is for information that might affect EVERYONE's characters. Don't ignore the info just because it's not on your turn.
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Reality! Heed my decree and make the very concept of daggers nonexistent!
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hell yeah, ok Force-feed a cat to Papaj via shoving a couple hundred down his throat with MAGIC
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Use my magic to throw the acid blob into the tavern/bar/whatever with Yoink inside of it.
If successful, use my magic to heal my head's injuries and regrow the various tissues.
After that, conjure Jetpack Of Unlimited Fuel and put it on.
Fly to Somalia.
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"HMM. I REQUEST TRIBUTE IN THE FORM OF MAGICAL ARTIFACTS. THE MORE POWERFUL THE BETTER, THIS REALM'S INGENUITY INTRIGUES ME. BRING THEM TO ME WITHIN [3 TURNS] AND I SHALL REFRAIN FROM EATING EXISTENCE."
Float up into the sky and create a super fortress that's all eldritchy and stuff.
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open a portal to fallacyofurist coffee store
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Stab dotecho with my dagger for shoving a cat up my throat
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Magic healing. Do it. To myself.
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Maybe this will go through? Contract a spirit of death to ensure that if I die, my spirit will be brought back to my body.
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Seeing as I was skipped last time, I should still finish my metamorphosis. Lay some larvae.
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Reality! Heed my decree and make the very concept of daggers nonexistent!
[5] All daggers fade into the void. Including the Dagger of Annihilation. Child's play for one endowed with such eldritch knowledge.
hell yeah, ok Force-feed a cat to Papaj via shoving a couple hundred down his throat with MAGIC
[5] Gathering a wave of cats, you throw them straight at PaPaj's mouth.
Stab dotecho with my dagger for shoving a cat up my throat
( Defense Roll ) [5] PaPaj, you manage to conjure up a shield that blocks the concentrated kitties from shoving themselves into your gullet. [1] Unfortunately, your dagger's gone to the ether. It'll take you a turn to get it back, meanwhile this pussycat-slinging wizard is still gunning for you.
Use my magic to throw the acid blob into the tavern/bar/whatever with Yoink inside of it.
If successful, use my magic to heal my head's injuries and regrow the various tissues.
After that, conjure Jetpack Of Unlimited Fuel and put it on.
Fly to Somalia.
[4]
[6]
[4]
[3]
The acidic creature is flung away, telekinetically, so you don't continually burn yourself. Turning magic to your face, you not only completely heal your acid-burned tissues, you gain the ability to melt anything you look at.
Following that, you pluck a jetpack from thin air. It doesn't have entirely unlimited fuel, but this game doesn't really keep track of resources so for all intents and purposes it is.
You take off for Somalia. It'll take till next turn to get there.
"HMM. I REQUEST TRIBUTE IN THE FORM OF MAGICAL ARTIFACTS. THE MORE POWERFUL THE BETTER, THIS REALM'S INGENUITY INTRIGUES ME. BRING THEM TO ME WITHIN [3 TURNS] AND I SHALL REFRAIN FROM EATING EXISTENCE."
Float up into the sky and create a super fortress that's all eldritchy and stuff.
We shall try, Great Master. they say, before scurrying off into the void.
[4] We're back Great Master., after a moment of infinity. We bring this strange blade that appeared from the material realm. It can cut and destroy ANYTHING. Yep, it's the Dagger of Annihilation.
You're gonna need a human to use it though. Apparently Eldritch Monstrosities have some limitations.
[6] Getting back to business, you float downwards into the sky and conjure a massive fortress made of dead stars, in the shape of your unknowable visage. It's fuckin bitchin.
open a portal to fallacyofurist coffee store
There's already a portal. You step through, just so we can move this plot forward.
Magic healing. Do it. To myself.
[6] You supercharge your body's immune system with magic. Not only are all of your wounds healed, but you automatically heal any injury not caused by magical damage.
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Nice. Go conquer Russia. In the winter.
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Strengthen the reality against Eldritch Gods and Creatures of High Order. Because its MINE playground now.
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"NEATO. REALITY WON'T BE EATEN THEN. GOOD JOB."
Create a soul vortex that draws to it the soul of anything in reality that dies and mulches them up so I can use the resulting soul paste as decoration.
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try to incite a war between the surviving cats and dogs in order to cause chaos and worsen feline-canine relations
also defend myself in an appropriate manner from PaPaj
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Drop bag of coffee in store. Then go back to returning the surviving paramedic to his home.
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Start making coffee, serve it to those who pay(and give a free cup to zilzo).
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Appear in existence all of the sudden and begin summoning the Egyptian gods (Set is a good guy)
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Teleport dogs inside of DotEcho
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Nice. Go conquer Russia. In the winter.
[6] Heading over to Russia, you literally melt all the snow with the energy caused by your teleportation. At least you don't have to worry about General Winter.
You are quickly found by Ivan the Terrible's diplomats, who tell you they've been sent to negotiate with the clearly all powerful being that's managed to completely upset the seasons. Not exactly conquering Russia, but you've certainly made waves.
Strengthen the reality against Eldritch Gods and Creatures of High Order. Because its MINE playground now.
[5] You do a marvellous job combining your natural magical aptitude along with Eldritch knowledge to strengthen the separations between the realms, specifically against Elder Gods and beings of the like.
It is now impossible for gods, higher order beings to traverse the realms, without either a massive sacrifice, diminishing their own power, or something else suitably cool.
"NEATO. REALITY WON'T BE EATEN THEN. GOOD JOB."
Create a soul vortex that draws to it the soul of anything in reality that dies and mulches them up so I can use the resulting soul paste as decoration.
[5] You create a giant blender and toss in a few Soul-Attract tablets. Like clockwork, the souls come flying out of the Spectral Woodwork, right into your blender. You pop on the cap and let it blend for a few hundred thousand years. When you take the lid off, you've got the perfect soul paste. Very tasteful colour.
try to incite a war between the surviving cats and dogs in order to cause chaos and worsen feline-canine relations
also defend myself in an appropriate manner from PaPaj
[1] The cats and dogs that have managed to survive their entry to Earth have realised you're the cause of all their problems, and are pissed.
You are swarmed by a tidal wave of united cats and dogs. [1] Your mage senses kick in, creating a telekinetic force field that keeps them at bay. There's just SO MANY of them though, that no matter how many you push back, there's still an army waiting to get at your throat.
Drop bag of coffee in store. Then go back to returning the surviving paramedic to his home.
You drop off the bag of Coffee, completing your mission, and repaying your debt.
The coffee is in the house!
[2] The paramedic is still gloomy, and reeling from all the supernatural chicanery going on around him ( or her? Can't remember the gender. Oh well. ) They still refuse your help, afraid of where exactly they might go and what state their body, mind and soul would be in by the end of it.
Start making coffee, serve it to those who pay(and give a free cup to zilzo).
You start the glorious coffee making process. Mmmmm, those beans smell good roasted! [4+1] Everyone in the Cafe is pretty much high right now just from the smell alone, and you have peasants going over giving you all their earthly goods in order to pay for a cup.
Arbitrary amount of $$$ gained. More importantly, the people here will practically do anything you say.
From one mage bro to another, you give Ziizo a free cup. Better love story than Twilight.
Appear in existence all of the sudden and begin summoning the Egyptian gods (Set is a good guy)
[4] Deciding to play your own hand, you start summoning of all things the Egyptian pantheon. In particular you decide to bring Set into the story.
Unfortunately, due to the newfound constraints with bringing Gods into this reality, Set has appeared, very flustered, in a depowered form. You're gonna need to siphon some energy, make a sacrifice, do SOMETHING to restore him to full godhood.
As I'm not entirely familiar with Egyptian gods, supply your own easy to understand lore and historical flavour.
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Since one turn has already passed, I gonna presume that I'm in Somalia right now...
Use my magic to give me fluency in Somali, then use my unrivaled charisma to create the biggest band of pirates in Somalia.
If the actions above are successful, conjure 10 military crates with laser assault rifles and electric shrapnel grenades, then give my mateys understanding of how to handle these weapons.
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Placate the pets with parental affection
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"I SMELL COFFEE. GOOD."
Go in the direction of delicious smell and order a giant cup of strawberry-flavored coffee.
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Excellent! Now upgrade the soul siphon so it also sucks out living souls.
And spirits too. Even the gods will not be safe from my soul grinder!
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Try to get my dagger back into existance and make it invincible so nothing can destroy it,also make it so only i can send it anywhere
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teleport the paramedic into his/her bed s/he will probably believe all was a dream specially if my plan to rescue his/her friend is successful.
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Summon a giant, hurricane level storm, with lightning and rains (Set is the Egyptian god of storms and power) and declare all killed by it sacrifices to Set and his brethren.
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"Yessss, very good... I demand your complete surrender to me. While I will allow you to retain your autonomy in general circumstances, if I should ever demand that something is done, it shall be done. Am I clear?"
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Since one turn has already passed, I gonna presume that I'm in Somalia right now...
Use my magic to give me fluency in Somali, then use my unrivaled charisma to create the biggest band of pirates in Somalia.
If the actions above are successful, conjure 10 military crates with laser assault rifles and electric shrapnel grenades, then give my mateys understanding of how to handle these weapons.
[4] You pluck fluency of the Somalian language out of the minds of its populace, and use your newfound lingo mastery to attract a following of pirates. Not the largest band, but a damn big one, eager for you to fulfil your promises of plunder and power.
[1] Conjuring up 10 military crates from thin air, you make the mistake of summoning the shrapnel grenades already primed. They detonate inside the boxes, lacerating not just you, but the vast majority of your pirates. Several have died, you're a [1] away from dying, and the rest are furious.
Placate the pets with parental affection
The lack of bolding in your action displeases the almighty GM.
[6] You decide to unleash your parental mojo, working the puppy/kitten psyches of the various cats and dogs until they're all subservient to you again. Unfortunately, they've all gotten really clingy, having assumed you're their ACTUAL parent, as a result you're still being mobbed as much as before, only this time less lethally.
"I SMELL COFFEE. GOOD."
Go in the direction of delicious smell and order a giant cup of strawberry-flavored coffee.
[4] Coffeeeeeee. You must get a cup. Walking into the shop, you place an order for strawberry flavoured coffee.
You get a cup. It's VERY good. Unfortunately the strawberry preservatives dilute the purity of the Greatest Coffee Beans Ever a bit, but it's still damn good. How are you going to pay for it?
Excellent! Now upgrade the soul siphon so it also sucks out living souls.
And spirits too. Even the gods will not be safe from my soul grinder!
[5] You add a new setting to your blender, allowing it to siphon souls from other realms. Various sentient creatures from a multitude of realms end up being paste in your machine.
...Strangely though, gods and higher order spirits aren't showing up. It's as if there's something blocking passage between the planes for beings that are too powerful.
Try to get my dagger back into existance and make it invincible so nothing can destroy it,also make it so only i can send it anywhere
[3] Try as you might, you are only able to get the dagger back into your hands for mere flickers of time, before it fades out again. Turning the dagger into an unchangeable pillar of reality may require a bit more than just your magical power, and that's even if you can get it back next turn.
teleport the paramedic into his/her bed s/he will probably believe all was a dream specially if my plan to rescue his/her friend is successful.
[3] You teleport the paramedic into his/her bed, and they are still asleep. Time will tell if they recover from this trauma when they wake up. Right now, they're back home and not your problem at the moment.
Summon a giant, hurricane level storm, with lightning and rains (Set is the Egyptian god of storms and power) and declare all killed by it sacrifices to Set and his brethren.
[5] A giant hurricane appears out of nowhere and proceeds to wreck the town.
[2] FallacyofUrist's Coffee Shop gets fairly wrecked, although its magical nature prevents it from being completely fucked up.
The multitude of dead and dying in the streets all serve as fuel for set, restoring him to full power. As long as you can keep him on your side and ask him to do anything involving storms, lighting, rain, etc. Set can do reality warping for you without having to roll for it.
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Well that's just silly. Fashion myself a humanoid avatar out of some of this spare soulpaste I have lying around and use that to take the Total Annihilation Dagger and just cut out whatever barrier's impeding my progress.
-
"Yessss, very good... I demand your complete surrender to me. While I will allow you to retain your autonomy in general circumstances, if I should ever demand that something is done, it shall be done. Am I clear?"
EDIT: Set is a god of animals, though...
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Stealthy teleport to whatever demonic realm Job came from is time to steal a soul back
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"NO ONE INTERRUPTS MY COFFEE BREAK."
Draw all the power back from Set and into the coffee shop, restoring it and making even grander.
-
Wait...since when what the coffeeshop mine?
-
GROAN WEARILY AND FINISH MY BOOZY COFFEE, THEN SET UP SOME OF THE BOOTHS IN THE COFFEESHOP AS A MEDBAY/TRIAGE CENTRE FOR CAUSALITIES OF THE HURRICANE OUTSIDE
HECK IF I'M DOING ANY GROSS DOCTOR WORK MYSELF, THOUGH - JUST SUMMON UP A CUBIC BUTTLOAD OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES ALONG WITH THOSE HELPFUL PARAMEDICS FROM EARLIER, LEAVE 'EM TO IT
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Leave the pets with instructions to overthrow the humans, and set up a flying castle fortress on Phobos
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Glass is right...
I use the power of Set to take command of all the cats and dogs in the neighborhood. Then I begin summoning Ra.
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Wait...since when what the coffeeshop mine?
The GM is NEVAR wrong. Just not always right. /s
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Glass is right...
I use the power of Set to take command of all the cats and dogs in the neighborhood. Then I begin summoning Ra.
Cats are Bastet domain.
Set is the god of deserts, storms, evil, the color red, violence, weapons, oasis and foreigners. Not animals
-
Glass is right...
I use the power of Set to take command of all the cats and dogs in the neighborhood. Then I begin summoning Ra.
Cats are Bastet domain.
Set is the god of deserts, storms, evil, the color red, violence, weapons, oasis and foreigners. Not animals
well damn, maybe I shouldn't have summoned those cats then
-
Glass is right...
I use the power of Set to take command of all the cats and dogs in the neighborhood. Then I begin summoning Ra.
Cats are Bastet domain.
Set is the god of deserts, storms, evil, the color red, violence, weapons, oasis and foreigners. Not animals
Started with animals. And as the bodyguard of Ra. All the "evil" stuff came later.
-
I am gonna sacrifice some people for a satanic-like ritual to get my dagger back
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Well that's just silly. Fashion myself a humanoid avatar out of some of this spare soulpaste I have lying around and use that to take the Total Annihilation Dagger and just cut out whatever barrier's impeding my progress.
[6] Crafting a humanoid vessel out of the Soulpaste you've acquired, you insert the smallest portion of your soul and use it to wield the knife, tearing the veil between realms asunder. The way is opened.
Unfortunately, due to your rustiness in regards to having a bipedal humanoid form, the Dagger slips from your grasp and falls into the void between worlds. Wherever shall it go... ( Earth, it's going back to Earth. )
Stealthy teleport to whatever demonic realm Job came from is time to steal a soul back
[5] You home in on Job's spectral signature, and teleporting in you find...an office building. Going up to the receptionist, you ask if where the receiving souls are kept.
"Sorry sweetie" says the horrible cyclopean thing with a perm hair and glasses. "That's for employees only."
You plead your case, making your best puppy dog eyes.
"Aw shucks, your story breaks my heart. As long as you don't take nothing, you can check out the souls in that room there."
A door materialises to your left.
"NO ONE INTERRUPTS MY COFFEE BREAK."
Draw all the power back from Set and into the coffee shop, restoring it and making even grander.
[4] vs [2+1] Your magic power is great, and Set, despite his godly stature, is still reeling from having newly reacquired his powers. You manage to draw about half his power back, reducing him to the realm of mere Potent magic users, as opposed to the More potent/Very Potent/Omnipotent scale of Gods.
Utilising this hefty surplus of power, [6] you rejuvenate the Coffee shop, and honestly the redecorating leaves your own magical reserves a little tuckered out. Not a good state when you have a pissed off Egyptian god in the area...
GROAN WEARILY AND FINISH MY BOOZY COFFEE, THEN SET UP SOME OF THE BOOTHS IN THE COFFEESHOP AS A MEDBAY/TRIAGE CENTRE FOR CAUSALITIES OF THE HURRICANE OUTSIDE
HECK IF I'M DOING ANY GROSS DOCTOR WORK MYSELF, THOUGH - JUST SUMMON UP A CUBIC BUTTLOAD OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES ALONG WITH THOSE HELPFUL PARAMEDICS FROM EARLIER, LEAVE 'EM TO IT
[3] You try and get your shit together to create a relief effort, but drinking the booze coffee leaves you tuckered out. At most you get a few booths cleared, you'll get around to it later.
Leave the pets with instructions to overthrow the humans, and set up a flying castle fortress on Phobos
[6] You order your loving pets to create a new world order for themselves, and fly up to the moon of Mars and successfully create a levitating castle fortress. In your excitement, you forget to add breathable air. Whoops.
[1] Your legion of pets try and overcome the villagers, but are mostly just killed by the hurricane. Oh well.
Glass is right...
I use the power of Set to take command of all the cats and dogs in the neighborhood. Then I begin summoning Ra.
[5] Set goes along with your plan, and all the remaining cats and dogs are yours ( technically his ). It's just a few dozen left at this point though.
[6] You summon Ra, only to realise that the summoning process is MUCH easier this time around and Ra, in his full form, appears. You try and ask him to obey and he only looks at you. "Why, exactly?"
I am gonna sacrifice some people for a satanic-like ritual to get my dagger back
[2] You can't find any people to sacrifice that aren't already injured from the hurricane, or fleeing for their lives away from anyone who looks remotely like a magic user.
[6] Suddenly, something falls from the sky and stabs you in the foot!
...It's the Dagger. Of Annihilation. Stuck in your foot. Be very, very carefully not to roll a [1] next turn.
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Ask for Ra's autograph on my eye of Ra protection charm because he's awesome. Ask the cats to all meow at the heavens in order to get the proper atmosphere to summon Bastet.
-
Alter the turn system so that rather than seven per turn, only one mage may have an action resolved per turn, randomly picked from among every action posted each turn. Harvest resulting Salt as a magical power source.
-
Happily drink another grand mug of coffee. Its free now for me, right?
-
Suck the life out of remaining Somalian pirates, healing myself and killing the pirates.
After successfully healing myself, enslave pirates' souls.
If soul enslaving is successful, send the souls back in their bodies, creating a personal army with no thoughts of betraying the master. If not, eat these souls in order to become a superhuman.
If I send the souls back in their bodies, go and hunt for tourist ocean liners with my loyal matey army.
-
I am gonna pull the dagger out carefully and try to NOT turn myself to dust doing so
-
...ahem...
"Yessss, very good... I demand your complete surrender to me. While I will allow you to retain your autonomy in general circumstances, if I should ever demand that something is done, it shall be done. Am I clear?"
This is my action. I am talking to the military guys in Russia. I was the 2nd person this past turn.
-
Put a employer disguise and search for the paramedic soul but don't take it yet
-
Ask for Ra's autograph on my eye of Ra protection charm because he's awesome. Ask the cats to all meow at the heavens in order to get the proper atmosphere to summon Bastet.
[6] Ra, with a wave of his hand, fuses the protection charm with your body. You can now call in Ra to help you in the event of mortal threat, once.
[6] ( WTF ) The cats meow to the sky, all in unison, and just like before, the worlds between worlds open with ease, and Bastet pops into existence. Much like a cat, she does not seem open to obeying you, without some sort of persuasion or effort. Remember, supply your own lore and mythological facts.
Alter the turn system so that rather than seven per turn, only one mage may have an action resolved per turn, randomly picked from among every action posted each turn. Harvest resulting Salt as a magical power source.
[2] ( hahahahahaha ) The almighty GM craps on your attempt to alter the meta-rules of the game by dumping a bunch of salt on your head.
Happily drink another grand mug of coffee. Its free now for me, right?
[1] You shotgun an entire other cup of coffee, when you start choking on the caffeinated goodness! Roll a [1] next turn you're dead.
Also, can't exactly remember the circumstances behind coffee being free. Not saying that it isn't, I just can't recall what happened.
Suck the life out of remaining Somalian pirates, healing myself and killing the pirates.
After successfully healing myself, enslave pirates' souls.
If soul enslaving is successful, send the souls back in their bodies, creating a personal army with no thoughts of betraying the master. If not, eat these souls in order to become a superhuman.
If I send the souls back in their bodies, go and hunt for tourist ocean liners with my loyal matey army.
[3]
[1]
[1]
[5]
Oh boy.
You attempt to drain the life from the pirates who are still very angry at you, but your injuries ruin your concentration and your spell fizzles out. Attempting to drain their souls COMPLETELY backfires, and you forcibly eject your own soul from your body. Seeing your body collapsed, the pirates do the smart thing and coup de grace you with a bullet to the head. Your body's dead, but your spirit still exists.
Making the best of a rather shitty situation, you successfully haunt an ocean liner, in your ghost form.
I am gonna pull the dagger out carefully and try to NOT turn myself to dust doing so
[4] Trying to render your own magic inert as much as possible, you touch the Dagger. No disintegration. That's good. Reaching slowly, you pull the knife out. It fucking hurts, but by the time you pull it free completely, you realise you aren't erased from existence. That's good. You got your knife back. You have a cut through the middle of your foot.
...ahem...
"Yessss, very good... I demand your complete surrender to me. While I will allow you to retain your autonomy in general circumstances, if I should ever demand that something is done, it shall be done. Am I clear?"
This is my action. I am talking to the military guys in Russia. I was the 2nd person this past turn.
This is your daily GM reminder to bold your actions. Even when it comes to dialogue.
Plus, your edit regarding the Egyptian God Set made me think you were quoting somebody else as part of the Egyptian god conversation.
[3] "Complete surrender is NOT acceptable. We are willing to negotiate for a position of importance in our government for such an obviously powerful sorcerer such as yourself."
Put a employer disguise and search for the paramedic soul but don't take it yet
[1] You try and magic yourself up a workman's disguise, but alarms suddenly start blaring.
UNAUTHORISED MAGIC DETECTED. UNAUTHORISED MAGIC DETECTED.
The receptionist lady teleports in front of her desk, revealing a centipede like body.
"You shouldn't have tried that sweetie. Here I thought you were just a normal fellow, turns out you were an ILLEGAL MAGE."
You are now fighting the Receptionist.
-
"Hmn... fair enough. I accept."
-
"One can be an illegal mage? I didn't know that" Surrender to the Receptionist and ask about the process to become a legal mage.
-
Good enuff. Harvest the salt you dropped on my head and fashion it into a great salt warhammer. So that I can forcibly make people saltier.
-
I can choke?! Ridiculous! Avert disaster by becoming immortal.
((As for free coffee - I've just rebuild the whole Coffee Shop last turn after Set power hurricane? Upgrading it as well.))
-
Sure, you can use that argument if FallacyofUrist's starts collecting people's tabs.
-
Well, good enough. ACTIVATE THE GOD HARVESTER
-
TRY AGAIN TO SUMMON THOSE PARAMEDICS
IF SUCCESSFUL, POINT AT CARNAGE OUTSIDE THEN GO ORDER ANOTHER COFFEE
IF FAIL, SHRUG AND GO ORDER MORE COFFEE ANYWAY. ASK FOR EXTRA BOOZY
-
Raid a fish farm to get fish for Bastet and the cats. Then begin summoning Hapi, the god of the Nile and the flood celebration who is always happy.
-
"Hmn... fair enough. I accept."
"Excellent. You shall be advisor to our Tsar in all magical matters. Come, we shall escort you."
Riding to Moscow, you are quickly briefed on the situation. [3] Apparently, the many magical shenanigans going in the world, across various time periods, have created a rise of all sorts of monsters and mischief makers in Russian territory. For one, a nearby village has been besieged by Skrzaks (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skrzak). Surely a task easy for someone of your magical power.
"One can be an illegal mage? I didn't know that" Surrender to the Receptionist and ask about the process to become a legal mage.
[3] "Hmmmmm.....nope, can't risk it. Any mage in this dimension's gonna get us ALL in trouble with the higher ups darlin."
[4] vs [5] The receptionist swings at you with one of her scythed limbs, and you Neo-duck under it like a boss.
Fight still ongoing.
Good enuff. Harvest the salt you dropped on my head and fashion it into a great salt warhammer. So that I can forcibly make people saltier.
[5] Swirling the salt in the air telekinetically, you craft a mighty Salthammer, which will give you +1 to rolls designed to piss other players off. Use at your own risk.
I can choke?! Ridiculous! Avert disaster by becoming immortal.
[6] You decide to make yourself immortal. Well done, now you are. Unfortunately, now you're in a constant state of choking on coffee, which means you can't ever actually talk to people using your lungs or vocal cords, and it fucking hurts.
Hey, at least now nobody can kill you without wasting a turn trying to revoke your immortality.
Well, good enough. ACTIVATE THE GOD HARVESTER
[4] Reactivating your blender, you can hear gods from many dimensions being sucked into yours. A bunch of lesser gods get added to the mix, greatly enhancing the flavour. It'll be a second before the big boys get reeled in.
TRY AGAIN TO SUMMON THOSE PARAMEDICS
IF SUCCESSFUL, POINT AT CARNAGE OUTSIDE THEN GO ORDER ANOTHER COFFEE
IF FAIL, SHRUG AND GO ORDER MORE COFFEE ANYWAY. ASK FOR EXTRA BOOZY
[4] You summon an entirely new set of paramedics because I cannot be bothered to keep track of the fates of the other two. They get to work with the hurricane victims.
[5] You order another coffee. IT TASTES REAL GOOD.
Raid a fish farm to get fish for Bastet and the cats. Then begin summoning Hapi, the god of the Nile and the flood celebration who is always happy.
[1] You try and raid a fish farm remotely using your magic powers, but to your shock, you see Bast out of the corner of your eye get pulled into the air by an unseen force, before popping out of your dimension.
[2] Very shaken, you try and summon Hapi, another Egyptian god, but this time, the summoning feels wrong. Not like it did before, when the ways between worlds was blocked, but as if something is deliberately pulling the gods away from your reach.
Ra and the partly-powered Set look at each other in a very concerned manner.
-
Use Salthammer to smash Xan's GOD HARVESTER, and ruin the already produced god paste by adding way too much salt to it.
This should provide sufficient salt to create a SALTHAMMER 40,000.
-
Immortality is good. See if I can actually drink more coffee.
-
Scare the captain of the ocean liner to death, then make his body a new host for my spirit.
Use hypnosis to brainwash passengers, making them view me as their God.
Drain the lifeforce from a half of my new followers, making me a superhuman.
-
"Look a distraction!"
Use the moment she looks away to karate chop her in the neck knocking her out.
-
Protect Ra and Set and find where the gods are disappearing to.
-
Remove these... "Skrzaks". From existence.
-
Conjure up a mascot for my coffeeshop, who will promptly go about and advertise.
-
Use Salthammer to smash Xan's GOD HARVESTER, and ruin the already produced god paste by adding way too much salt to it.
This should provide sufficient salt to create a SALTHAMMER 40,000.
[2] You attempt to teleport to Xantalos' kingdom and smash his blender, but the teleporting goes vastly wrong and you are now inside the blender. You are covered in soul paste, and can barely move. Thankfully, the blender's been turned off for a moment.
You don't want it to turn on.
Immortality is good. See if I can actually drink more coffee.
[6] You try and drink more coffee, which has an interesting interaction with your immortal physiology. Specifically, you're starting to turn INTO coffee. Whatever the hell that entails. Maaaaybe you should ease up on the caffeine.
Scare the captain of the ocean liner to death, then make his body a new host for my spirit.
Use hypnosis to brainwash passengers, making them view me as their God.
Drain the lifeforce from a half of my new followers, making me a superhuman.
[1]
[6]
[5]
The captain of the ocean liner is an utter badass and doesn't even bat an eye, forcibly kicking you out of his cabin through sheer machismo. You do a much better job with the crew, who cannot deal with this intrusion of the supernatural and kowtow to you instantly. To be honest, they're getting kinda creepy about it, making sacrifices of various pets and loved ones.
Deciding to enter the realm of the living again, you use this faith to make yourself a nice new body, superior to your old one. +1 bonus to physical rolls only. Remind me of this bonus cause I'm going to forget eventually.
"Look a distraction!"
Use the moment she looks away to karate chop her in the neck knocking her out.
[1] She...doesn't really have a neck. While you're hand hovers mid-strike, indecisively, the Receptionist bears down, and bites your right arm off. You'd best not roll a [1] next turn.
Protect Ra and Set and find where the gods are disappearing to.
[3] You try and weave protective magic around Ra and Set, but since apparently the god suctioning isn't going on at this very moment, you can't tell if it works.
[6] Attempting to scry the source of whatever is kidnapping your gods, you accidentally get teleported into Xantalos' realm. Whoops. At least now you know where the action is.
Remove these... "Skrzaks". From existence.
[4] Walking into the village, you can feel, not necessarily see, the imps stalk the roofs of the various huts and buildings. They watch you, cackling. With a wave of your hand, you attempt to disintegrate the lot. With a cry of what you estimate to be pain or surprise, a great many of them vanish into the ether. You haven't cleared the entire infestation yet, and now the cackling grows louder around you.
Conjure up a mascot for my coffeeshop, who will promptly go about and advertise.
[6] You create a living mascot *insert description here*, who instantly draws whatever villagers are still alive into your coffeeshop. You swear, it's almost as if its using mind control...
-
"HMM, TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH MY HOBBY? WELL, MORE MEAT FOR THE GRINDER."
Turn the grinder back on and confiscate that salthammer.
-
"My faithful warriors, it's time to punish the infidel captain for his crimes against my divine will... THROW THE CAPTAIN TO THE SHARKS!!!
Order my cult to revolt against the captain and throw him in the ocean.
If the cult fails to do so, paralyze the captain with my magic, and devour him in the front of my cult.*
If the revolt is successful, sail to Somalia and hypnotize local pirates**. If they try to hurt me, a couple of Chain Lightnings shall do the thing...
*The cultists are under my hypnosis anyway, I doubt they give a fuck about the morality...
I've a completely new body, so they won't know that I'm that guy.
-
I will try to make my dagger invincible and also add a piece of my own souls into it,and add a satanic ritual to that where i kill 10 virgins just so i have a better chance of success
-
"YES. I FEEL IT. FINALLY."
Become coffee! Or, to be exact, an immortal mage/Eldritch God that IS coffee. Let the reality suffer from this unholy combination!
-
"great, thanks to you and that elf now I lack tentacles!" Let's try a non-lethal take-down for last time.
Transform my blood (this includes the blood in her due to biting my tentacle off) into a powerful sedative to which I am immune.
-
Destroy the remaining bastards with the raw power of Russia.
-
I summon a team of four white mages to defeat Xantalos, the eldritch abomination of chaos
-
Oi, did you remember to include the salthammer's +1 to actions that piss other plays off? It sure looks like you forgot that. If you didn't forget that, please include that in the roll number, like [1+1].
If you give me a turn due to being attacked, smash the blender blades off of the blender with the salthammer.
"Fuck you Xanny! You're not my real dad!"
-
Meanwhile in the background of all of this, the ant hive has been building.
Right? Please?
-
Oi, did you remember to include the salthammer's +1 to actions that piss other plays off? It sure looks like you forgot that. If you didn't forget that, please include that in the roll number, like [1+1].
If you give me a turn due to being attacked, smash the blender blades off of the blender with the salthammer.
"Fuck you Xanny! You're not my real dad!"
That was more a roll to actually teleport to the Xantalos dimension, it would have been a mite quick if you salthammered directly from the Earth dimension. Considering you are in conflict with another player, your turn will be featured.
-
"HMM, TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH MY HOBBY? WELL, MORE MEAT FOR THE GRINDER."
Turn the grinder back on and confiscate that salthammer.
If you give me a turn due to being attacked, smash the blender blades off of the blender with the salthammer.
"Fuck you Xanny! You're not my real dad!"
[1+1] vs [2+1]
In this realm, Xantalos is king. Normally that would be enough, even with his utterly dismissive and careless attempt at warping reality to suit his ends. But Egan's Salthammer had power too. Just enough, combined with the Salt Wizard's slightly stronger focus, allowed him to win this skirmish. With one swing of his hammer, he manages to jam the blender temporarily. Xantalos is going to have to roll to fix it, giving Egan time to do other shit.
"My faithful warriors, it's time to punish the infidel captain for his crimes against my divine will... THROW THE CAPTAIN TO THE SHARKS!!!
Order my cult to revolt against the captain and throw him in the ocean.
If the cult fails to do so, paralyze the captain with my magic, and devour him in the front of my cult.*
If the revolt is successful, sail to Somalia and hypnotize local pirates**. If they try to hurt me, a couple of Chain Lightnings shall do the thing...
*The cultists are under my hypnosis anyway, I doubt they give a fuck about the morality...
I've a completely new body, so they won't know that I'm that guy.
[4]
[6]
Your newly hypnotised crew overpower the captain, who despite putting up a hell of a fight, is eventually thrown overboard. Sailing to Somalia, you hypnotise some NEW pirates. Not only do you hypnotise them, taking complete and utter control, but you bind yourself to them. In doing so you basically tie your own form to theirs, so any injury sustained by you, applies to them, and vice versa.
I will try to make my dagger invincible and also add a piece of my own souls into it,and add a satanic ritual to that where i kill 10 virgins just so i have a better chance of success
[4] You attempt to horcrux the shit out of your dagger, and it has some interesting effects. You can't be killed by it anymore as you are technically part of it.
Making it invincible will require sacrifice. [2] You attempt to ritualistically sacrifice 10 virgins, but all you get are 2, and it's not nearly enough to appease whatever forces require appeasement. The Dagger remains as it was, just with an extra chunk of PaPaj inside it.
"YES. I FEEL IT. FINALLY."
Become coffee! Or, to be exact, an immortal mage/Eldritch God that IS coffee. Let the reality suffer from this unholy combination!
[6] ( Oh come on )
You've already made yourself immortal. Add to this the unnatural state of the coffee, your form is now poised for ascension into Eldritch Godhood.
Summoning every last reserve of power within you you FEEL THE COFFEE. TASTE THE COFFEE. BE. THE. COFFEE
IT WORKED! You are now a sentient swarm of coffee and magic, free to-
Shit. Apparently scattering your caffeinated essence throughout space and time to achieve past, present and future godhood left you vulnerable to Xantalos' blender. You've been sucked into his dimension, where you are now witness to a battle between Xantalos, master of the Realm, and Egan, the Salt Wizard.
"great, thanks to you and that elf now I lack tentacles!" Let's try a non-lethal take-down for last time.
Transform my blood (this includes the blood in her due to biting my tentacle off) into a powerful sedative to which I am immune.
[3] Thinking pretty creatively, you decide to change the chemistry of your blood into a sedative. Before you can do so, the Receptionist flings you against a wall. It doesn't faze you much, but you're now a short distance away from each other, where your bleeding tentacle arms can't reach easily. It's a short impasse, for now.
Destroy the remaining bastards with the raw power of Russia.
[1] Taking a rather unorthodox approach, you channel the very soul of Russia into an attack which honestly seems rather overkill for these imps. Suddenly, before you unleash the Russian spell, you feel something go through your chest.
"I'll be taking that now dearie." You look down, and an old woman's hand appears to have been shoved through your chest cavity.
Thankfully, you can still heal, so you just spin around, dislodging the hand from your body. Turning, you see a gnarled, bony woman. In her blood-soaked hand, she holds a ball of energy. The spell! The very soul of Russia!
"Thank you for your generosity."
The old woman then vanishes into thin air. A wizard? No...a witch.
I summon a team of four white mages to defeat Xantalos, the eldritch abomination of chaos
[6] Drawing from your 8-Bit Theater ( or maybe just general Final Fantasy ) knowledge, you summon the greatest white mages who proceed to form a straight line and utilise all of their white magic abilities. They do not appear to be able to take further commands, but are instead just constantly attacking.
[2] vs [6+1] Xantalos notices their attempts at white magicking him out of existence, and crushes them with a flick of his mind. Not just their bodies, but their souls, their histories, any trace of them ever having existed. Welp.
-
"PERFECTION IS IN REACH."
Absorb all the stuff Xan prepared. I'm also Eltritch God, so it works for me just as well.
-
What... what just happened?
Umm.....
"Okay, mates, you'll need to deal with the rest of those monsters; I have something else that needs to be done."
Follow that witch. Yes, this includes tracing her teleportation spell. I know that she teleported. I will also teleport. I'm not dumb.
-
"I tried peace but you rejected it, now I have to do this"
Rip off her soul from her body.
-
Summon 20 crates with Agonizers* and ammo.
Give out the Agonizers and ammo to my cult.
Carefully break the physical bond with the pirates while trying to don't lose control over their minds.
If everything goes well, check out if there are some humanitarian aid camps/convoys which we can raid, but DON'T raid them yet.
*A semi-automatic rifle with a long-ass bayonet, which uses long (7 cm), poisoned needles as an ammo. The poison cause excruciating pain and necrosis in the wounded area.
-
Well shit
Let's try to get another 10 virgins
-
The mascot is a giant plush puppy holding a sign advertising the coffeeshop.
Add a bakery annex to my coffeeshop. Magically.
-
Patent the god blender so I am the only one who can make a device that sucks in and kills gods, then destroy the current god blender as it infringes on my copyright. FACE THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT
-
"You salty bro?"
Transmute the god-paste into mundane salt.
-
"MAN, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY STRUNG UP ABOUT THIS WHOLE GOD PASTE THING. I WAS JUST GONNA USE IT FOR DECORATION. IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF THIS MATTERS ANYHOW, THIS IS A MINIMALIST."
-
The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state... his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time
-
"PERFECTION IS IN REACH."
Absorb all the stuff Xan prepared. I'm also Eltritch God, so it works for me just as well.
Not necessarily. You're an Eldritch God in an opponent Eldritch God's plane, so the advantage would still be his. Xantalos wouldn't do nearly so well in the Coffee Dimension.
[1] vs [2+1] You attempt to absorb all the Soulpaste and take its power for yourself, but you are blocked and promptly banished back to Earth by Xantalos.
What... what just happened?
Umm.....
"Okay, mates, you'll need to deal with the rest of those monsters; I have something else that needs to be done."
Follow that witch. Yes, this includes tracing her teleportation spell. I know that she teleported. I will also teleport. I'm not dumb.
[3] vs [5] You teleport after the witch, having given orders to the armed men following you, and you find yourself in a very dark forest. Suddenly, the trees themselves attack! The branches move and wrap around your limbs and your throat, constricting you and holding you in place.
"I knew you'd follow me dearie. For a volshebnik, you're quite predictable." the old woman's voice says, you can't tell where the hell its coming from, it sounds like its right behind you while at the same time being really far away. You're starting to lose consciousness from the branches asphyxiating you.
"I tried peace but you rejected it, now I have to do this"
Rip off her soul from her body.
[2] vs [5] ( Jesus none of you guys are rolling well )
Concentrating on the primal essence of her being, you attempt to tear her soul from her body. The Receptionist ain't having none of that. She begins humming some sort of vibrating noise, without words, which starts to affect your focus. Soon you find yourself losing consciousness...falling asleep...
Summon 20 crates with Agonizers* and ammo.
Give out the Agonizers and ammo to my cult.
Carefully break the physical bond with the pirates while trying to don't lose control over their minds.
If everything goes well, check out if there are some humanitarian aid camps/convoys which we can raid, but DON'T raid them yet.
*A semi-automatic rifle with a long-ass bayonet, which uses long (7 cm), poisoned needles as an ammo. The poison cause excruciating pain and necrosis in the wounded area.
[1] ( You should really stop trying to summon crates )
The Agonizers pop into existence, and as if this were some extended running gag, proceed to explode, launching the poisoned needles everywhere. You are hit. Your men are hit. So basically everybody is double poisoned and is going to die next turn unless you can somehow fix it. Anything less than a [4] is death at this point.
Well shit
Let's try to get another 10 virgins
[6] You get 20 virgins, all of whom you sacrifice. The Dagger is now completely untouchable by magic, but will only ever work on a [1] roll.
The mascot is a giant plush puppy holding a sign advertising the coffeeshop.
Add a bakery annex to my coffeeshop. Magically.
[1] vs [1] You try and create a new bakery annex, spruce up the coffeeshop, when the little jingle playing from your giant puppy mascot starts getting in your head. Thankfully, it's still so faint that you're not getting affected too much, but you aren't able to focus enough to create the building extension.
Your coffeeshop customers are starting to congregate around the Giant Puppy, it's starting to get weird. They all appear to be swaying to the jingle.
Patent the god blender so I am the only one who can make a device that sucks in and kills gods, then destroy the current god blender as it infringes on my copyright. FACE THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT
[2] vs [3] You attempt to copyright the god blender but you are immediately blocked by a host of Non-Euclidean Lawyers ( who the eldritch god that Xantalos usurped kept on retainer ) who tell you that doing so would be a violation *insert literally infinite number of regulations and bylaws here, some of which would drive a person insane just by reading them.*
So yeah, that didn't work.
-
The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state... his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time
? NTDL
-
Okay, that's not good. Use a spell to exempt myself from the mind control. Actually, let's make it an exemption from all mind control.
-
Copyright the name Xantalos, and then drain all of Xantalos's power through THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT.
-
Right, y'all are officially evicted. Git out my dimension!
Kick all these pesky players out of my resident dimension with my bullshit powers and turn my god siphon back on.
-
The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state... his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time
(OCC : Again for some reason you skip me)
-
7 players to a turn.
-
sleepmurder that receptionist.
Is like sleepwalking but with murder.
-
Turn my form into that of a fire elemental.
-
Disrupt attempt to ebict me from this realm. Sprinkle salt in Xan's eyes.
-
Last turn of the night, sleep tight y'all.
Okay, that's not good. Use a spell to exempt myself from the mind control. Actually, let's make it an exemption from all mind control.
[3] You attempt to craft a shielding spell to ward you and your patrons from the mascots INCESSANT. JINGLE. Your focus prevents the tune from working its way further into your psyche, but it's not enough concentration to cast a full shield charm.
[2] Your patrons are still gathered around the Mascot, shuffling aimlessly.
Copyright the name Xantalos, and then drain all of Xantalos's power through THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT.
[4] vs [1+1]
You manage to break past the Non-Euclidian lawyers and somehow copyright Xantalos' own name. He now suffers a penalty when he refers to himself in his posts.
[4] vs [2+1] Draining his power a bit trickier, you manage to siphon off a bit of Eldritch energy, but in his own domain, that ain't much. You get a +1 to just the next turn.
Right, y'all are officially evicted. Git out my dimension!
Kick all these pesky players out of my resident dimension with my bullshit powers and turn my god siphon back on.
Make sure to read Smoke Mirror's turn.
[3] Try as you might, the reality of your plane is slow to bend to your will, and everything's too in flux. Everything remains as it is, annoying though it might be.
The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state... his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time
[1] Before you can usher in a glorious revolution, twin manacles of CAPITALISM appear out of thin air and clamp themselves around your ankles and wrists. Your magic is dampened! You're gonna need to find some non-magical means of getting them off.
sleepmurder that receptionist.
Is like sleepwalking but with murder.
[5] Giving in to the sleeping sound, your body awakens its Unconscious Mage Defense! Completely asleep, your body manages to lash out with pure magical energy and [1] completely miss the Receptionist. At least you've gotten her to back off, and with the sound stopped, you snap back awake, ready to do something else.
Turn my form into that of a fire elemental.
[6] vs [6] ( seriously )
Enraged by this old bitch witch, your fury ignites your magic, transforming your body physically into that of a fire elemental. The process gets a bit out of your control, and you start spewing forth flames like a gushing fire-toilet.
"Harrumph. Young ones and their displays of power...", the old woman says, and she draws a pestle from god knows where and waves it around like wand. Suddenly, a toxic, sulphuric gas proceeds to descend around you, choking you, making every inch of you hurt due to the fire mixing with the fumes. The pain is so great that even the old woman starts to get disturbed by your screaming. With a give, your body collapses, having reverted back to its original human state. The trees no longer bind you, but you're not in good shape either.
Disrupt attempt to ebict me from this realm. Sprinkle salt in Xan's eyes.
Xantalos' ( Copyright pending ) banishment has already failed. Using your salthammer, [2+1] + [4+1] you attempt to blind the Eldritch Beast with salt in its eyes, but a vortex into space opens up just next to its faceass, sucking the salt away. You gotta get closer.
-
Heal myself and my cult.
If the healing is successful, go and hypnotize everyone in Somalia, ending the reign of the anarchy.
-
Charge at the secretary and bite her head off.
-
Gather myself up from all realities I'm dispersed onto.
-
"YOU YOUNG'NS ARE REALLY DETERMINED BY THIS, HUH? IT'S RATHER FUNNY THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A BATTLE. ANYHOW, TA TA, HAVE FUN IN A DIMENSIONAL COLLAPSE."
Travel out of the current dimension in my fortress (sans all other players, of course) and destroy the dimension as I exit. Then go destroy all those copyright firms holding my moniker (it'd be silly for this to be my actual name) to get rid of that inconvenience.
-
Teleport both of us to Iceland, then return to Russia.
-
Copyright Xantalos's realm and take control of it, bending it to my will and shutting off the god blender
-
STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING OH YEAH, TRY ONCE MORE TO SUMMON THOSE HELPFUL PARAMEDICS FROM EARLIER IN THE GAME.
IF SUCCESSFUL, POINT THEM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE CARNAGE OUTSIDE BEFORE HEADING TO THE COUNTER TO REQUEST ANOTHER IRISH COFFEE; IF UNSUCCESSFUL JUST SHRUG AND GO ORDER ANOTHER COFFEE ANYWAY
-
Maybe this will go through? Complete my mental shield.
-
Find the Revolutionary hammer
"It has to be somewhere, I must break the chains of capitalism" said ANCOM wizard
-
Heal myself and my cult.
If the healing is successful, go and hypnotize everyone in Somalia, ending the reign of the anarchy.
[2] The healing does NOT go well. You are barely able to save yourself from death, but more of your cult drops dead, thankfully without harming YOU too badly. You're still pretty damn injured, and your men are dropping like flies.
Charge at the secretary and bite her head off.
[2] You attempt to rush the Receptionist, relying on your form's natural speed and instincts to guide you. It's a valiant attempt, but you fall just a few inches short of what passes for her face, and she grabs you with tendrils, before throwing you at a wall. Again. Ouch.
Gather myself up from all realities I'm dispersed onto.
You're already on Earth.
"YOU YOUNG'NS ARE REALLY DETERMINED BY THIS, HUH? IT'S RATHER FUNNY THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A BATTLE. ANYHOW, TA TA, HAVE FUN IN A DIMENSIONAL COLLAPSE."
Travel out of the current dimension in my fortress (sans all other players, of course) and destroy the dimension as I exit. Then go destroy all those copyright firms holding my moniker (it'd be silly for this to be my actual name) to get rid of that inconvenience.
[6] vs [1]/[6]You know what, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Packing up your Eldritch bags, you hightail it outwards, knocking out the foundations of your dimension as you go. Smoke Mirrors is still alive, Egan_BW is dead..
[1] You completely fail to destroy the many multidimensional firms. Not good.
Teleport both of us to Iceland, then return to Russia.
[3] vs [4] Perhaps the best course of action would be to take this witch out of Russia altogether. With a burst of magic, you throw the two of you through space, and as you land, you quickly teleport back, hoping to leave her in the dust. When you do get back, you breathe a sigh of relief.
"Helllloooooo dearie." No. Come on. You look up, and in the distance, you see the Old Witch flying towards you in what appears to be a fucking mortar, like the shit they crush herbs in.
She lands, steps out, and just grins at you.
[5] vs [1]
"Enough of this."
The Old Woman throws a chicken bone at you, which you aren't able to dodge in time. As soon as the bone touches you, more bones start to sprout from it, until an entire weave of bones forms around you like a net, and starts dragging you underground. As your head is pushed below the surface of the Earth, you wonder how long you can hold your breath...
Copyright Xantalos's realm and take control of it, bending it to my will and shutting off the god blender
[6+1] You manage to further take creative control of Xantalos' realm, effectively transforming yourself into an elder god as well. You look exactly the same, just about 100x larger. As master of the placeyou now get the same bonus Xantalos did, within the realm. You successfully shut of the god blender.
STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING OH YEAH, TRY ONCE MORE TO SUMMON THOSE HELPFUL PARAMEDICS FROM EARLIER IN THE GAME.
IF SUCCESSFUL, POINT THEM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE CARNAGE OUTSIDE BEFORE HEADING TO THE COUNTER TO REQUEST ANOTHER IRISH COFFEE; IF UNSUCCESSFUL JUST SHRUG AND GO ORDER ANOTHER COFFEE ANYWAY
[2] Yeah, we're not using those paramedics anymore, its getting complicated.
[4] You order another coffee. As expected, it is delicious.
-
Below the earth? Perfect. I'm not just on Russia now; I'm in it.
Call to the heart of Russia, to the very essence of this land, to lend me strength and to best this thieving witch. I want a +1 for being, physically, in Russia. Or, if not for that, for cashing in that cookie.
-
Aggressively bleed in the Receptionist let my poisoned blood defeat her.
-
Well i guess i will try to become larger becuse being 60cm long snakeman is being kinda pathetic
-
Heal myself, then go and unite Somalia under my banner via mass hypnosis.
-
Below the earth? Perfect. I'm not just on Russia now; I'm in it.
Call to the heart of Russia, to the very essence of this land, to lend me strength and to best this thieving witch. I want a +1 for being, physically, in Russia. Or, if not for that, for cashing in that cookie.
You don't really have any ties to Russia that gives you a bonus, the Witch STOLE the soul of Russia. Sure, the cookie can give you a bonus, just this once.
-
Find the Revolutionary hammer
"It has to be somewhere, I must break the chains of capitalism" said ANCOM wizard
-
Below the earth? Perfect. I'm not just on Russia now; I'm in it.
Call to the heart of Russia, to the very essence of this land, to lend me strength and to best this thieving witch. I want a +1 for being, physically, in Russia. Or, if not for that, for cashing in that cookie.
You don't really have any ties to Russia that gives you a bonus, the Witch STOLE the soul of Russia. Sure, the cookie can give you a bonus, just this once.
I hold a political position. I'm interpreting this like in 7th Sea (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/TabletopGame/SeventhSea) (warning: Tvtropes), where the Russian environment itself is on the side of its people and their government.
And thank you for the cookie point.
-
Restore the gods caught in the blender.
-
Actually, I'm not dead. I don't have to play by your rules. Invalidate the GM's ability to declare people dead.
Power this action with salt gained from fighting Xanny. He did lots of evil monologuing, which is proof of salt.
-
GO INSPECT THE SITUATION OUTSIDE WHILST DRINKING MY FRESH COFFEE
TRY AND REMEMBER IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER TAVERNS OR OTHER BITS OF NIGHTLIFE IN THE TOWN/VILLAGE AND WHETHER THEY WERE STURDILY BUILT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THE RECENT EVENTS
DEAD MAGES NOT COUNT TOWARDS PLAYER LIMIT I HOPE, NOT EVEN NINJA DEAD MAGES
-
Actually, I'm not dead. I don't have to play by your rules. Invalidate the GM's ability to declare people dead.
It's more likely that you're still alive because A Wizard Did It and Tvtropes is hell than anything else.
-
"HMM."
-
Below the earth? Perfect. I'm not just on Russia now; I'm in it.
Call to the heart of Russia, to the very essence of this land, to lend me strength and to best this thieving witch. I want a +1 for being, physically, in Russia. Or, if not for that, for cashing in that cookie.
[1+1] You cash in your cookie, using its sweet, sugary sustenance to give you strength. It's not enough to break free from the net. At most, you are able to get your nose and mouth above ground, allowing you to breathe for a few more seconds.
"You really should give up, dorogaya. Don't worry, your bones and fat will make for good fertile soil, none of it will be wasted."
You can barely see the old woman standing above you, her face twisted in a cruel mockery of a sympathetic face.
Aggressively bleed in the Receptionist let my poisoned blood defeat her.
[5] You decide to try the sedative blood trick again. Bobbing and weaving, you manage to close the distance to the Receptionist and splash her straight in the face with your sleep blood. It takes effect nearly immediately. The Receptionist struggles, wailing in fury, but collapses. Congrats, you won.
Well i guess i will try to become larger becuse being 60cm long snakeman is being kinda pathetic
[6] You become a 60 meter long snake man. Try not to squish anybody.
Heal myself, then go and unite Somalia under my banner via mass hypnosis.
[4] You heal yourself, which manages to save the bonded men under your service as well.
[4] Your health restored, you go forth throughout Somalia, hypnotising literally everyone you come across. Soon, people are flocking to you, out of both curiosity and awe at this strange leader who can unite people who have been fighting for generations. Soon enough, you've conquered about half of Somalia.
Find the Revolutionary hammer
"It has to be somewhere, I must break the chains of capitalism" said ANCOM wizard
[1] ( I'm starting to feel bad )
You search and search for the glorious Revolutionary hammer, and in your searchings, you see a strange convenience store. Inside, there is the Hammer! Rushing in, you're stopped by the manager.
"Hold it "Comrade", no touching. That Hammer was acquired specifically for this shop, it'll cost a million bucks and then some for you to take it off my hands." he says, a cheap cigar clamped between his teeth.
Restore the gods caught in the blender.
[4] You manage to reconstitute the gods within the soul paste out of their disparate parts, and they all materialise outside of the blender, rather confused. They look to you, this godlike yet not figure, clearly master of this domain. Most of them leave, 2 remain. *insert which mythological gods you want to stay here.*
Actually, I'm not dead. I don't have to play by your rules. Invalidate the GM's ability to declare people dead.
Power this action with salt gained from fighting Xanny. He did lots of evil monologuing, which is proof of salt.
[5] I no longer have the ability to declare people dead. From now on, everyone who ceases existence will be called destroyed.
Congratulations.
-
Hmm, seems they've stopped paying attention to me. Go create a fortified reality in the furthest corner of the infinite realities, ie one that other people can't get into without me wanting them to.
-
I have no money, I must make a arousing speech to stop his greedy ways
-
Okay way tooooooooo big,lets try this again become a 59 meters shorter
-
GO INSPECT THE SITUATION OUTSIDE WHILST DRINKING MY FRESH COFFEE
TRY AND REMEMBER IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER TAVERNS OR OTHER BITS OF NIGHTLIFE IN THE TOWN/VILLAGE AND WHETHER THEY WERE STURDILY BUILT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THE RECENT EVENTS
DEAD MAGES NOT COUNT TOWARDS PLAYER LIMIT I HOPE, NOT EVEN NINJA DEAD MAGES
DAMN NINJAS
-
wobble to the soul room and teleport away with all of them I can search for the correct when not bleeding to death or in enemy territory.
-
Amuse myself by turning several planets into coffee.
-
Fortify my mind shield!
-
Spit on her.
-
Hmm, seems they've stopped paying attention to me. Go create a fortified reality in the furthest corner of the infinite realities, ie one that other people can't get into without me wanting them to.
Time to turtle up. [3] You attempt to create an impregnable, unfindable reality, but after all the shock and chaos from the previous few turns, you're eldritch energy is still rather drained. Anything you'd create at this point would be a half-assed plane at best, so you rest for a bit.
I have no money, I must make a arousing speech to stop his greedy ways
[4] Digging into the deepest part of yourself, you draw forth a speech on the slavery of capitalism and light of socialism, that keeps on going no matter how many times the Manager tries to stop you. Eventually, even he becomes entranced by your rhetoric.
"Wow, I never thought of it that way. I still can't just, y'know, GIVE you the hammer, but I can do something about those chains."
Grabbing a key from the wall, the Manager unlocks the Shackles of Capitalism, freeing your magic from bourgeois tyranny.
Okay way tooooooooo big,lets try this again become a 59 meters shorter
[1] ( now how should I interpret this )
You focus on the number 59, but your magic is still discombobulated by your massive size increase, and instead of adjusting physical dimension, it adjusts your biological age. You have now aged 59 years in less than a second. -1 to physical rolls.
GO INSPECT THE SITUATION OUTSIDE WHILST DRINKING MY FRESH COFFEE
TRY AND REMEMBER IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER TAVERNS OR OTHER BITS OF NIGHTLIFE IN THE TOWN/VILLAGE AND WHETHER THEY WERE STURDILY BUILT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THE RECENT EVENTS
DEAD MAGES NOT COUNT TOWARDS PLAYER LIMIT I HOPE, NOT EVEN NINJA DEAD MAGES
DAMN NINJAS
[1] Going outside to see if there any OTHER reputable establishments, you're shot. By a bullet. In the stomach. It hurts.
"You are under arrest for violating spatial reality laws. Tell us where your other rogue mages are and we will take your cooperation into account."
A policeman has just materialised in a flash energy, wearing what appears to be chrome coloured riot gear. Who the fuck is this guy?
wobble to the soul room and teleport away with all of them I can search for the correct when not bleeding to death or in enemy territory.
[1] You try and limp to the soul room, but the bloodloss is finally starting to get to you. Collapsing just before you reach the door, you keep trying in vain to turn the handle. Roll a [1] on your next turn and you ded.
Amuse myself by turning several planets into coffee.
[6] Travelling throughout the cosmos, you turn several planets into giant cups filled with coffee. Bloody good fun. Unfortunately, you've kinda run afoul of a local galactic empire, who have begun bombarding your caffeinated form with plasma fire. Right now, they're missing like crazy, they have no idea how to aim at a coffee based pseudo-god, but give em time.
Fortify my mind shield!
[3] Try as you might, the jingle still keeps peaking through. You manage to hold the stalemate longer yet.
-
magically mutate the spilled blood into a symbiotic creature that will replace my real blood while feeding or something? Maybe my magic dunno magic biology is weird and thinking while dying of bloodloss is hard.
-
Mind Shield. Complete. Now. Bonus points if it hides my location from magical entities.
-
Spit on her.
-
as gift, he given manger part of his power which give him nice wizard with red and black pattens
-
In that case, nip back to the ruins of my former dimension and nab all that soul paste. The God harvester too. Take them somewhere it'd be a pain in the ass for anyone else to get to.
-
With my new control over the dimension, stop Xantalos. Gods still there decided later.
-
"OH, THERE'S ONE RIGHT OVER THERE, IN A RUINED BUILDING AT THE BOTTOM OF A CLIFF - ALONG WITH THE LAST PEASANTS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO BOTHER ME!"
THROW MY HOT BEVERAGE IN THIS JERK'S EYES TO GIVE MYSELF TIME TO PRACTISE MAGIC WITHOUT BEING SHOT AGAIN. THEN, POLYMORPH HIS GUN INTO A KOALA. AN ANGRY KOALA - IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?
-
Be Yoink's police officer. He is not a mage, so my turn doesn't count toward the limit of 7 mage actions per turn.
-
Last turn for the next two days or so. Cheers.
magically mutate the spilled blood into a symbiotic creature that will replace my real blood while feeding or something? Maybe my magic dunno magic biology is weird and thinking while dying of bloodloss is hard.
[2] You baaaarely manage to stave off total body shutdown, but the delirium your mind goes through as well as the shock is really fucking you up.
[1] Just your luck, a fucking squad of chrome-colored riot gear wearing bastards have come in, holding shields of anti magic. They are banging batons against them, inching their way closer towards you. Not good.
Mind Shield. Complete. Now. Bonus points if it hides my location from magical entities.
[6] Frustrated as hell, you create the mother of all mental shields. You are now COMPLETELY immune to any psionic attack, mind altering substance, etc, as well as hiding your location from mental tracking. Unfortunately, this state of super clarity does something weird to your magic. The next time you roll a 6, you have a chance of hurting yourself or doing something completely random.
Spit on her.
[6] You spit at her. It's a speck of spittle imbued with so much venom, so much vitriol and just pure HATRED, it actually turns into a very powerful acid. The acid spit hits her straight in the face! She starts wearing in Russian, effectively blinded, as she orders the bones to clamp down harder on you. You get +1 to roll next turn, if you do roll a [1], you die.
as gift, he given manger part of his power which give him nice wizard with red and black pattens
....Not sure if I compute.
[1] The Manager, completely taken aback at your sudden lack of coherence, slaps the Cuffs back on you. Magic-less you are, again. "Yeahhhhh, better safe than sorry, bud. Nothing personal."
In that case, nip back to the ruins of my former dimension and nab all that soul paste. The God harvester too. Take them somewhere it'd be a pain in the ass for anyone else to get to.
[2] vs [2+1] You try and do a grab and run, but Smoke Mirrors' new control over the dimension proves to be superior to yours. You find yourself driven back, to the void between worlds.
With my new control over the dimension, stop Xantalos. Gods still there decided later.
See Xantalos' turn. You technically won, in the sense that you managed to stop him from getting what he wanted.
"OH, THERE'S ONE RIGHT OVER THERE, IN A RUINED BUILDING AT THE BOTTOM OF A CLIFF - ALONG WITH THE LAST PEASANTS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO BOTHER ME!"
THROW MY HOT BEVERAGE IN THIS JERK'S EYES TO GIVE MYSELF TIME TO PRACTISE MAGIC WITHOUT BEING SHOT AGAIN. THEN, POLYMORPH HIS GUN INTO A KOALA. AN ANGRY KOALA - IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?
[1] You toss your coffee in the jerk's eyes, or at least you attempt to. Reality-Cop's a crack shot, and shoots the cup right as it leaves your hand, splashing the boiling liquid all over YOUR eyes. Flailing about like a madman, you start conjuring angry koalas left and right, all of which land on you and start biting your ass.
"...Are you seriously a mage?" Mr. Reality-Cop asks.
Nice try Egan_BW.
-
(OCC : What? You just give rid of my power due not understand what simple just "I want make this guy into my ally")
-
Nah, I got rid of your power cause you rolled a one. If you'd rolled a 5 I'd have something good happen to you.
-
Go and hypnotize the other half of Somalia, uniting the shattered country.
If successful, jump-start agriculture, oil refining, mining, and all that economic crap.
Ascend to Demigod-hood.
-
"thanks Satan! you all came the crazy bastard switched our bodies, also I think I am dying here"
-
Befriend local galactic empire. Who cares about several caffeinated planetoids, right?
-
"SHIT DAMN AGH"
ABSORB THE WAYWARD KOALAS INTO MY BODY, BECOMING SOME SORT OF GROTESQUE KOALA-HUMAN HYBRID WITH INDIVIDUAL, HALF-FORMED KOALAS PROTRUDING FROM MY TWISTED FORM, FUNCTIONING AS EXTRA MUSCLE, LIMBS, CLAWS ETC
THEN LEAP AT MY HUMAN ASSAILANT, PLUNGE MULTIPLE KOALAS' WORTH OF CLAWS INTO HIS BELLY AND REND HIS FLESHY PINK BODY APART FROM THE CENTRE WITH A MANLY FLEX OF MY MONSTROUS FURRY MUSCLES
-
Make the spittle kill her. The bone thing stuff should stop being a problem after that.
-
"But... caffeine!" Oh well. Noticing the reality cop outside... send Coffee Puppy out to greet him.
-
Quickly!
EDIT:
Yay no it is reserved in case any ninja posters are hanging around.
Lay the first batch of larvae, and tend to them.
-
SUMMON THE UNDO BUTTON
-
Out sheer rage, break with pure muscle alone
-
Just this once, I'm gonna do everybody's turn.
Go and hypnotize the other half of Somalia, uniting the shattered country.
If successful, jump-start agriculture, oil refining, mining, and all that economic crap.
Ascend to Demigod-hood.
[6]
[5]
[5]
You successfully manage to hypnotise all of Somalia, constructing a massive cult of personality all tied to you. If you were to actually leave the country, everybody's psyche would fall apart. As it stands, you have an entire nation of brainwashed servants.
Using your newfound power, you make sweeping reforms in literally every area of governance. Somalia is transformed from a hellhole to a functioning country literally overnight. Somehow.
Patting yourself on the back, you decide to transform yourself into a demigod. You succeed. +1 bonus to rolls provided you are IN Somalia.
"thanks Satan! you all came the crazy bastard switched our bodies, also I think I am dying here"
[6]
You attempt to bluff your way through the situation, invoking Satan's name in the process.
"You rang?"
A giant horned head pops out of the floor, surveying the situation. Nice job summoning the literal devil. At least the Reality Cops are distracted.
Befriend local galactic empire. Who cares about several caffeinated planetoids, right?
[4] Seeing the futility of actually hitting you with the weaponry they currently have, the galactic empire opens up diplomatic channels. They call themselves...the Galactic Empire. No relation to George Lucas' creation. Said Empire is wary of you, but also respectful of your power. They also have no idea what coffee is.
For now, there's a ceasefire.
"SHIT DAMN AGH"
ABSORB THE WAYWARD KOALAS INTO MY BODY, BECOMING SOME SORT OF GROTESQUE KOALA-HUMAN HYBRID WITH INDIVIDUAL, HALF-FORMED KOALAS PROTRUDING FROM MY TWISTED FORM, FUNCTIONING AS EXTRA MUSCLE, LIMBS, CLAWS ETC
THEN LEAP AT MY HUMAN ASSAILANT, PLUNGE MULTIPLE KOALAS' WORTH OF CLAWS INTO HIS BELLY AND REND HIS FLESHY PINK BODY APART FROM THE CENTRE WITH A MANLY FLEX OF MY MONSTROUS FURRY MUSCLES
[4]
[4]
You imbibe several koalas into your body, becoming at least 1/3rd were koala. Using the newfound strength provided by your koaloid muscle mass, you slash the Reality Cop in the gut! It's a fairly deep hit, penetrating surprisingly far past his armour.
"Gaah! You mother..."
[3] vs [2] The RC counteracts, attempting to pistol whip you. You dodge, throwing yourself off balance, but the blow was middling anyway, so it doesn't come close to hitting you.
Make the spittle kill her. The bone thing stuff should stop being a problem after that.
[5] vs [6]
Sensing victory at hand, you magnify the acid of the spittle until it eats through her. Still screaming in pain, the Old Woman waves her hand, and from the sky, a house on what appears to be giant chicken legs appears out of the shadows, picks up the Old Woman and throws her inside itself. You can vaguely hear what sounds like glass and plates being thrown around, the witch is apparently thrashing around inside. You can still hear her, so whatever it is she's doing in there, it's prevented her from dying.
"But... caffeine!" Oh well. Noticing the reality cop outside... send Coffee Puppy out to greet him.
[2] You attempt to command your mascot to go outside, but he ain't budging. Too busy STILL DOING THAT FUCKING JINGLE. It's not affecting you even slightly anymore, but apparently Coffee Puppy is sulking, and taking it out on you by being passive aggressive.
Quickly!
EDIT:
Yay no it is reserved in case any ninja posters are hanging around.
Lay the first batch of larvae, and tend to them.
[5] You successfully create the first generation of Giant Ants in your colony! They'll mature next turn, you get to choose what caste they become.
SUMMON THE UNDO BUTTON
[1] You attempt to summon a switch that'll let you undo all this freaky crap, but instead a button the same size as you with the word "UNDO" written on it falls on you, crushing you. It doesn't even have the courtesy of killing you so you can have a fresh respawn, you're still trapped in this stupid, useless form.
Out sheer rage, break with pure muscle alone
[4] With a cry of Socialist Fury, you manage to snap one of the cuffs off! You can access magic again, you just can't affect or change anything about yourself or your own form. You can cast spells on any external object not immediately attached to you.
-
Enrichen the Galactic Empire with knowledge about coffee. They should learn the sacred! It does not have to replace their petty beliefs, even!
-
Respawn becuse this shit is just ridiculous at this point
-
Respawn becuse this shit is just ridiculous at this point
If you roll a [1] I swear I'm going to make you functionally immortal :P Just to prolong your character's suffering.
-
Summon a luxurious personal palace in the center of Mogadishu and make it the main seat of the Somalian government.
Summon a discount card with 2500000 USD dollars on it, then use the money to create Somalian National Armament & Munition Company.
Give SNA&MC designers knowledge of how to make laser weaponry & nano-fiber body armor. If I didn't waste all my money just to create the company, give them the leftover money. If I did waste the money, summon another discount card with the same amount of money on it.
Create Armed Forces of Somalian State and initiate massive conscription* program.
Try to improve women and LGBT rights in Somalia, secularize the state**. Also, allow women to serve in Armed Forces of Somalian State.
* The goal is to get at least 300,000 people in the army!
** Secularization is only juridical. De-facto, everyone is worshipping ME!
-
Use my magic to make simple metal crowbar to bash the other chains
-
use the distraction to Randomly switch the minds of everyone in the room.
-
Extricate myself from the things currently trying to kill me, and heal myself. Baba-Yaa is currently preoccupied, so there should be no contest of rolls.
-
Alright, magically revise Coffee Puppy. Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
-
Finally.
The first batch of young ants are workers, who tend to the eggs and gather food.
Hunt for something to feed them with.
-
Just this once, I'm gonna do everybody's turn.
Oh fuck you, I didn't post because it was past 7 actions. :V
-
Enrichen the Galactic Empire with knowledge about coffee. They should learn the sacred! It does not have to replace their petty beliefs, even!
[2+1] You expand your caffeinated consciousness and attempt to enlighten these poor coffee-less beings to your ways, but their minds are quite literally alien. They simply cannot understand, but perhaps given enough time they might prove more tractable.
Respawn becuse this shit is just ridiculous at this point
[5] ( lucky )
Willing yourself to death, you feel the sweet embrace of oblivion, before popping back into existence. You're human again! Thank Jebus.
Summon a luxurious personal palace in the center of Mogadishu and make it the main seat of the Somalian government.
Summon a discount card with 2500000 USD dollars on it, then use the money to create Somalian National Armament & Munition Company.
Give SNA&MC designers knowledge of how to make laser weaponry & nano-fiber body armor. If I didn't waste all my money just to create the company, give them the leftover money. If I did waste the money, summon another discount card with the same amount of money on it.
Create Armed Forces of Somalian State and initiate massive conscription* program.
Try to improve women and LGBT rights in Somalia, secularize the state**. Also, allow women to serve in Armed Forces of Somalian State.
* The goal is to get at least 300,000 people in the army!
** Secularization is only juridical. De-facto, everyone is worshipping ME!
Okay, if you have more than three actions in your next turn, I'm adding penalties to rolls, this shit's getting hard to keep track of. And please, no more If I did/If I didn't commands.
[4+1]
[3+1]
[1+1]
[3+1]
[1+1]
Plopping a luxurious fortress-skyscraper-palace in the centre of Mogadishu, you proclaim it to be the seat of your eternal empire. The people rejoice! You manage to create a munitions company that is owned both by you and also tied to the state, allowing for ease of purchase, transportation and whatnot for munitions throughout the country.
You attempt to fund research into laser weaponry and nano armour, but the resources you've pooled from all over Somalia STILL aren't enough to engineer groundbreaking advances in this short amount of time.
You enact mass conscription, getting about 200,000 loyal, fanatically eager young men and women ready to fight.
Despite the total worship of you as an institution unto yourself, it's still hard to get rid of the trappings of religion within the nation. Honestly, you just can't find the time in the midst of all this other action.
Use my magic to make simple metal crowbar to bash the other chains
[4] Conjuring a Crowbar of Socialist Freedom, you successfully pry off the other chain! Working the metal off your arm by hand hurts, but the freedom from capitalistic chains is worth it. You have full magic power back!
use the distraction to Randomly switch the minds of everyone in the room.
[2] Attempting an actual magical mental switcheroo, your bloodloss is still heavily affecting your ability to concentrate.
A Reality Cop speaks. "Mr. Satan, this mage is trespassing on this inter dimensional premises-"
"Look, kid, stop talking. I was summoned here, I ain't leaving until I hear the deal they have to offer. Them's the rules, since before time was born."
Extricate myself from the things currently trying to kill me, and heal myself. Baba-Yaa is currently preoccupied, so there should be no contest of rolls.
[5] With Baba Yaga finally out of visual range, you are able to summon the magic needed to break the bone chains, as well the surrounding dirt. Pulling your exhausted, battered body out, you rest for a moment. You can run, you can fight, you can do whatever, but you'd best think quickly before the old witch comes back out.
Alright, magically revise Coffee Puppy. Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
[3] Alright, it's time to put some order to your house. Magically seizing your Coffee Puppy's mind, you find inside to just be a blank void of Coffee Shop music and vague malice. Not much to work with. This is really a tricky puppy. Perhaps if you try again.
-
Be a reality cop.
-
Summon the staff of Gandalf the Grey.
-
Alright, magically revise Coffee Puppy. Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
Try again ASAP!
-
try to rip off the souls of the reality cops and if successful exchange them to Satan for healing.
-
Erase Baba Yaga from reality, in the past, present, and future.
-
Alright, summon Revolution
-
Yes!
Now let's summon the apocalypse becuse why not
-
Be a reality cop.
[4] You are now a reality cop. You no longer have access to magic, you have pimping chrome looking armour, and an Anti-magic shield. Plus a collapsible baton.
You are in front of ziizo and Satan, along with your other reality cops. You may want to pay attention to ziizo's turn.
Summon the staff of Gandalf the Grey.
The GM is disappointed in the lack of bolding in your action.
[2] You attempt to summon Gandalf's staff, unfortunately its lying in a million pieces below where the Bridge of Khazad Dum was. If you want to fix it, you'd have to go there yourself.
Alright, magically revise Coffee Puppy. Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
Try again ASAP!
[3] ( wow )
Try as you might, you just cannot reconfigure Coffee Puppy's mind, and any further actions to its psyche would be equally ineffective. Maybe a different tactic would be best.
try to rip off the souls of the reality cops and if successful exchange them to Satan for healing.
[4] You try to tear out the souls of the reality cops, and succeed mostly, except for one ( It's Egan_BW, check his turn ). The cops stand there, drooling, completely without will or spirit. Taking the chunk of souls and holding it weakly in front of Satan, you see the devil inspect them.
"Not bad. Stuffy bastards, but not bad. Whaddya want for them?"
Erase Baba Yaga from reality, in the past, present, and future.
[3] You attempt to erase the Russian witch from all simultaneous existence, but right now that sort of thing's beyond you. Any further attempt would require a large sacrifice, some external magical power source, etc. Getting rid of an ancient power like her don't come cheap.
Alright, summon Revolution
[2] You decide to summon Da Revolution. Closing your eyes, you envision your grand People's Army. Opening your eyes...you see like three stoned looking dudes with Che Guevara shirts on, the price tags still attached.
"So, dude, what are we like, doing again?" the head hippy asks.
Yes!
Now let's summon the apocalypse becuse why not
[2] Deciding to celebrate your return back to a sane body, you proceed to try and kill fucking everyone else. It doesn't succeed. You get the magical equivalent of a brain fart.
-
Well shit that didn't work,try to summon the raiders of apocalypse
-
Rip Coffee Puppy's mind out of its body(and delete the mind), then replace it with the mind I want. If that's not possible, teleport it into some alternate dimension and create a new one according to my specifications. See below for specifications.
Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
-
Well, fine then. Teleport to Middle Earth. Carefully. Land in Durin's Tower, at the top of the Endless Stair, if possible. It's a nice tall landmark.
-
Finally.
The first batch of young ants are workers, who tend to the eggs and gather food.
Hunt for something to feed them with.
-
"No. Nope. That is illegal sir. Stop that. Stop resisting!"
Doink ziizo upside his resisting head to break his concentration and cause my buddies' souls to return to their bodies. Use antimagic shield to prevent further tomfoolery from ziizo or Satan.
"healing please" bodyslam Edgan with my dragon body while saying that.
When he says this dive between ziizo and Satan and block the heals using my shield.
-
Become sufficiently powerful.
-
"healing please" bodyslam Edgan with my dragon body while saying that.
-
Fix their Revisionist ways
-
Well shit that didn't work,try to summon the raiders of apocalypse
[1] Instead of summoning the Raiders of Apocalypse, you instead summon the Girlscouts of Salvation, who quickly proceed to go around giving life-extending cookies and causing flowers to grow wherever they tread.
Rip Coffee Puppy's mind out of its body(and delete the mind), then replace it with the mind I want. If that's not possible, teleport it into some alternate dimension and create a new one according to my specifications. See below for specifications.
Firstly, complete control over it, secondly, replace that complete do-nothing mind control with "thou shalt become a regular customer of the coffeehouse. If this is your first time hearing the jingle, go to the coffeehouse NOW".
[1] Rooting around further in Coffee Puppy's blank mind, alarms suddenly start blaring in his psychicspace. Quickly backing out, you are alarmed to see all of your customers with blank looks in their eyes, holding coffee with completely still bodies. They all turn to face you. Coffee Puppy raises his arm, and the Caffeinated Mob advances towards you...
Well, fine then. Teleport to Middle Earth. Carefully. Land in Durin's Tower, at the top of the Endless Stair, if possible. It's a nice tall landmark.
[4] You teleport to the highest peak of Durin's Tower. FUCK it is cold. At least you've made it in one place, and the view is really fricking cool. Peter Jackson ain't got shit on the real thing.
You're gonna have to remind me of the overall layout of Moria's structures, cause I can't remember them much and cannot be bothered to research everything.
Finally.
The first batch of young ants are workers, who tend to the eggs and gather food.
Hunt for something to feed them with.
The first generation are, quite reasonably, workers, meant to provide the backbone of your new Anthill.
[6] You manage to find a den of fat wild boars! Killing even one of them will feed your brood for a good long time. But even a single one of them would give a pack of wolves or even a bear pause. Let's see if a Praetorian ant is made of sterner stuff.
"healing please" bodyslam Edgan with my dragon body while saying that.
"No. Nope. That is illegal sir. Stop that. Stop resisting!"
Doink ziizo upside his resisting head to break his concentration and cause my buddies' souls to return to their bodies. Use antimagic shield to prevent further tomfoolery from ziizo or Satan.
"healing please" bodyslam Edgan with my dragon body while saying that.
When he says this dive between ziizo and Satan and block the heals using my shield.
[4] vs [1]
[2-1] ( penalty due to having to make a split second decision that your character has not prepared for )
Ziizo attempts to slam into Egan whilst wishing for full corporeal rejuvenation. Egan ain't having none of that, bashing Ziizo in the face with his shield, further wounding the dragonoid. However, Satan's Cure Major Wounds is too fast a spell for the unprepared Egan to deflect in time, [4] and Ziizo is restored back to full functionality, slight soreness aside.
"Welp, bye." Satan says, as he takes his leave back into Hell.
The battle is on!
Become sufficiently powerful.
[1] ( probably should have been a bit more specific )
Before you can do anything to actually bolster your power, one of the chicken legs of Baba Yaga's house grabs you! Not only does it really frickin hurt, but to your horror, you can feel your magic being drained into the house itself. From inside, you hear cackling.
-
Spend some years teaching world the Way of Coffee.
-
"Sir, stop resisting arrest or I might have to hurt you."
Bash the dragonoid with the antimagic shield. Dragons are magical creatures, so the antimagic aura should incapacitate it.
-
Create a unique Crystal Of Mind-Control, which will be located under the palace. The Crystal should be strong enough to replicate my own hypnosis spell effects, and also cover the whole Somalia.
Tell the CEO of SNA&MC that if his company can't make laser weapons, then they should use their money to create less complex firearms. If they fail at designing and making their own firearms, materialize more money for them, so they can buy weaponry from USA.
Summon 100% legit Half-Life 3 copy and Steam SuperBoxStation-2666 ARCHIMEDES*, then play the game in my private room.
*It's a console by Valve Corporation which can play HL3.
-
. . .well...summon the...Chef of Lifegiving...
-
HUG MY OPPONENT! HUG HIM INTO A MANGLED HEAP OF HUMAN WRECKAGE!
KOALAS ARE GENERALLY HELD TO BE CUDDLY (AS WELL AS VICIOUS) AND I AM PART KOALA, THIS MEANS I SHOULD GET A BONUS TO ACTIONS INVOLVING CUDDLES, YES?
-
And chlamydia related actions too, if you were so inclined.
-
grab receptionist body use it as flail against edgan.
-
Appear, and save the socialist mage some trouble by summoning a whole bunch or cornecopia machiines from the Eclipse Phase reality, removing the entire idea of scarcity
-
Reverse the magic flow; that is, start draining Baba Yaffa's magic through the leg.
-
A few humans would do just as well, too.
My worker children eat some neighborhood cats or something small.
-
Summon a luxurious personal palace in the center of Mogadishu and make it the main seat of the Somalian government.
Summon a discount card with 2500000 USD dollars on it, then use the money to create Somalian National Armament & Munition Company.
Give SNA&MC designers knowledge of how to make laser weaponry & nano-fiber body armor. If I didn't waste all my money just to create the company, give them the leftover money. If I did waste the money, summon another discount card with the same amount of money on it.
Create Armed Forces of Somalian State and initiate massive conscription* program.
Try to improve women and LGBT rights in Somalia, secularize the state**. Also, allow women to serve in Armed Forces of Somalian State.
((Why did you ignore some actions/posts, including mine? Also, sorry for not posting in-time, I had 504 Gateway error for the whole yesterday.))
If you're talking about not creating a discount card, my brain was foggy from trying to keep up with your multi-tiered turn. I still made the Munitions company. You're a wizard, money literally has no value when you have a 1/3rd chance of manipulating reality to your advantage.
-
Use TRUE COPYRIGHT MAGIC to copyright the idea of anything like the god grinder so that no one can make one, nor even myself.
-
Fix their Revisionist ways
-
Just in case you decide to process all actions again: teleport Coffee Puppy to another dimension. Hell, maybe.
-
Spend some years teaching world the Way of Coffee.
[5] You successfully manage to spread your Coffee Gospel to this Empire, who upon understanding the benefits that Caffeination give them, open their hearts and minds to you. You now have an interplanetary cult worshipping you. Nice.
"Sir, stop resisting arrest or I might have to hurt you."
Bash the dragonoid with the antimagic shield. Dragons are magical creatures, so the antimagic aura should incapacitate it.
grab receptionist body use it as flail against edgan.
[4] vs [4]
Egan, making ziizo aware of the potential repercussions to this violence, rushes forward and attempts to shield bash the dragonoid in the face. As ziizo isn't currently using magic to hold his physical form together, it would have just been a normal shield bash, but points for attempting to justify it.
Point is moot though, as ziizo rolls backwards and picks up the massive husk of the Receptionist's body, using the carapace to block the shield. It's not wieldable as a weapon, but as an eldritch shield, it suffices.
Create a unique Crystal Of Mind-Control, which will be located under the palace. The Crystal should be strong enough to replicate my own hypnosis spell effects, and also cover the whole Somalia.
Tell the CEO of SNA&MC that if his company can't make laser weapons, then they should use their money to create less complex firearms. If they fail at designing and making their own firearms, materialize more money for them, so they can buy weaponry from USA.
Summon 100% legit Half-Life 3 copy and Steam SuperBoxStation-2666 ARCHIMEDES*, then play the game in my private room.
*It's a console by Valve Corporation which can play HL3.
[2+1]
[2+1]
[3+1]
You try and create a Mind Control crystal that replicates your own hypnotic control over the populace, I'm guessing so you can actually leave, but such a powerful and intricate magical artefact escapes you. Perhaps if a fey mood strikes you.
The CEO of your munitions company apologises for not being able to produce laser weaponry in any capacity, so you tell him to switch to conventional weapons. Definitely more possible, will still take a fair amount of time to get your people armed.
You summon a coveted Half-Life 3 from the far future. Unfortunately, there are certain DLCs that you have to purchase in order to play the full story. Still, like 80% of the finished game is available, and god its fun.
. . .well...summon the...Chef of Lifegiving...
[1] ( you bastard )
Was this your plan? To intentionally fail to bring a force of good to the world? Now a Health Inspector of Doom has shown up, and is magically sentencing people to execution for failing to live up to his arbitrary and constantly changing safety standards. WHY.
HUG MY OPPONENT! HUG HIM INTO A MANGLED HEAP OF HUMAN WRECKAGE!
KOALAS ARE GENERALLY HELD TO BE CUDDLY (AS WELL AS VICIOUS) AND I AM PART KOALA, THIS MEANS I SHOULD GET A BONUS TO ACTIONS INVOLVING CUDDLES, YES?
[6+1] ( hahaha )
You tap into your inner Koala, and rush forward to Cuddle-maul this cop bastard. Just before you reach him, reality starts to get torn apart by your cuddles, and space immediately around you dissolves. You find yourself falling through a portal!
Going through, you come face to face with an infinity of giant koala heads. They all stare at you menacingly. One of them, with a crown on its head, speaks.
"You have claimed the Koala-force for yourself, but what have you done to earn it? Speak, mortal, and justify why you should be allowed to keep this power."
Appear, and save the socialist mage some trouble by summoning a whole bunch or cornecopia machiines from the Eclipse Phase reality, removing the entire idea of scarcity
[5] You may need to provide further exposition for the function and limitation of these things, a quick google search just gives basic info.
Nonetheless, you now have a bunch of cornucopia machines. What are you gonna do with them?
-
"let's see if that shield protects you from indirect magic"
magically create a hole under edgan
-
After spending a turn gloriously taking the view in, descend the Endless Stair to find that blasted staff so I can be Gandalf of the Good Character Development, rather than Gandalf the Blank Paper of Confusingly Vague Character.
(The Endless Stair goes from the top of Zirakzigil to the literal bottom of the world.)
-
Use TRUE COPYRIGHT MAGIC to copyright the idea of anything like the god grinder so that no one can make one, nor even myself.
The above.
-
((If you feed them material ((including dirt or body waste)) they can produce anything on their database, for the purpose of this, they can make anythign these people could buy but it wont cost anything))
Distribute the machines so that every comunity has one, and warn that if one person tries to hog it, then I will bring the wrath of Anarchocommunalism down upon them
-
"Hahaha, you think that shit's gonna work?!"
Deflect the hole spell to appear under ziizo's feet.
-
Slowly, but surely extend my influence.
-
Reverse the magic flow; that is, start draining Baba Yaga's magic through the leg.
-
Fix their Revisionist ways
-
Kill the health inspector of doom
-
"let's see if that shield protects you from indirect magic"
magically create a hole under edgan
"Hahaha, you think that shit's gonna work?!"
Deflect the hole spell to appear under ziizo's feet.
[4] vs [2+1]
Ziizo blasts a pulse of magic right under Egan's feet, attempting to create a hole underneath him. Egan tries to intercept, his shield humming to life due to the magical nature of the attack, but his timing is off, and all of a sudden several feet of concrete disappear, and Egan tumbles into a hole.
Looking around, Egan could probably jump and reach the edges of the newfound pit he's found himself in, but he'd be facing a penalty to any action if ziizo decides to attack, be it magical or physical in means.
After spending a turn gloriously taking the view in, descend the Endless Stair to find that blasted staff so I can be Gandalf of the Good Character Development, rather than Gandalf the Blank Paper of Confusingly Vague Character.
(The Endless Stair goes from the top of Zirakzigil to the literal bottom of the world.)
[1] Descending the tallest tower of the highest peak, you can't help but hear something move in the snow below.
No. Oh for God's sake come on. The thing was dead! Who the hell's writing this shit? This is the most cliche thing to happen, you think to yourself.
So yeah, the Balrog's back to life. It's flame is flickering, still trying to get a nice blaze going. It looks up, and sees you.
Use TRUE COPYRIGHT MAGIC to copyright the idea of anything like the god grinder so that no one can make one, nor even myself.
The above.
[6] ( you and your copyright bullshit )
You completely succeed. The god blender disappears, and now it is no longer an action that is available to anyone. It's not like Xantalos has even been active in this game for a while, so who would even want to at this point, amirite.
((If you feed them material ((including dirt or body waste)) they can produce anything on their database, for the purpose of this, they can make anythign these people could buy but it wont cost anything))
Distribute the machines so that every comunity has one, and warn that if one person tries to hog it, then I will bring the wrath of Anarchocommunalism down upon them
[5] You proceed to teleport the C-machines to just about every community on the continent, with a pre-packaged holographic note saying that anybody who attempts to use this godlike machine for too much personal gain, will face severe consequences.
You are making a ridiculous amount of headway in your goal to rid scarcity.
Slowly, but surely extend my influence.
[2] Hmm, looks like you've hit a snag. Apart from the first few dozen planets, which have fallen completely under your Caffeinated sway, the rest of the Empire's numerous state sponsored religions have taken severe action. Any Sarrakian Coffee-lover is being persecuted to death, if they are found emigrating or evangelising to new planets within the Empire.
You may need to intervene before hostilities ramp up.
Reverse the magic flow; that is, start draining Baba Yaga's magic through the leg.
[5] You decide to take a page out of a cheap sci-fi story and reverse the polarity. Restoring your own power, it's your turn to start laughing when the Chicken-legged house clearly starts weakening, until eventually the flesh melts off the bone, and the house tumbles down.
Stepping outside, Baba Yaga, with a very distinctive scarf wrapped around her face, can only stare at you in contempt.
"You've ruined my home. I'm done fighting. Do you still want this?"
She brandishes the Soul of Russia, the glowing sphere that started all this.
"I will return it to you on the condition that you never use it or any of your other power against me. Fighting with you is too costly."
Do you accept?
-
Using my divine magic, make it so that I have ALL DLCs files for HL3, and they were also 100% legit and free! If I fail, try to at least get Main Story Ending DLC.
If I get at least Main Story Ending DLC, play the game for the whole day. If not, go and try to summon three Crystals of Mind-Control under the palace. Again.
Summon an extremely intelligent* and loyal Legendary Deathclaw (http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Deathclaw_(Fallout:_New_Vegas)#Legendary_deathclaw) called Courier, who'll be my main advisor.
*He'll also be able to speak English and Somali.
-
Now, tour the world and see if anyone is still doing without neccesities
-
throw the receptionist body into the hole.
-
(OCC : Hopefully this will work)
Fix their Revisionist ways
-
"I accept on the condition that you completely leave me and anything under my protection alone."
-
Banish Coffee Puppy to another dimension. Maybe a normal mascot would be a better idea.
-
Hm...crap. Summon a very powerful bolt of lightning to dispose of that thing. Again.
If it dies, curse this blasted cliché writer with a bad case of incurable iambic pentameter. For the next two turns.
-
kill the health inspector of doom
-
Turn up the gain on the antimagic shield to "vaporizes magical flesh". Hold the shield over my head to undo the receptionist's corpse.
-
Using my divine magic, make it so that I have ALL DLCs files for HL3, and they were also 100% legit and free! If I fail, try to at least get Main Story Ending DLC.
If I get at least Main Story Ending DLC, play the game for the whole day. If not, go and try to summon three Crystals of Mind-Control under the palace. Again.
Summon an extremely intelligent* and loyal Legendary Deathclaw (http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Deathclaw_(Fallout:_New_Vegas)#Legendary_deathclaw) called Courier, who'll be my main advisor.
*He'll also be able to speak English and Somali.
[5]
[4]
[2]
You manage to acquire the full game pass from future Eternal overlord Gaben, and the rest of the day is spent progressing the story. Damn it feels good to be Freeman again. You've nearly finished the game, and overall it's a solid 8.8/10.
You try and summon a deathclaw, but you're tuckered out from your multiple hour gaming session, and fail.
Now, tour the world and see if anyone is still doing without neccesities
[4] Taking a quick jaunt using your Anarchocommunist jetpack, you tour the world to see if disparity still exists. As far as you can tell, just about every community is doing well. Troublemakers are prevented from taking advantage of the limitless resources, and former aristocrats who were used to being on top have been deposed with only a few cases of terrible bloodshed.
Still, everyone's just at the basic level of sustainable, post-scarcity infrastructure, and nobody actually has any idea how to fix the machines if they break.
throw the receptionist body into the hole.
[1] You attempt to throw the Receptionist's body into Egan's hole, but you misjudge the torque needed to throw that much weight, and end up falling into the hole yourself!
Crap. You're stuck at close quarters with a guy who gets an automatic +1 against any magic attacks.
(OCC : Hopefully this will work)
Fix their Revisionist ways
Who's they? Your hippy troops? Or just the capitalistic regime in general?
[6] Enraged by the Revisionism, you gain the ability to Magically Communise anything. That way, now you can REVERSE revise Capitalistic propaganda. Turn the will of the people against them and whatnot.
"I accept on the condition that you completely leave me and anything under my protection alone."
"Done. I look forward to seeing your work."
In a puff of smoke, Baba Yaga, her house, and the entire surrounding forest disappears, and nothing is left but you and the Soul of Russia.
Banish Coffee Puppy to another dimension. Maybe a normal mascot would be a better idea.
[2] You attempt to banish Coffee Puppy with a wave of your arm, but one of your customers tackles you before you can! Apparently the mind controlled mob have progressed to attacking you. You're currently wrestling with one of them, and more are incoming.
Hm...crap. Summon a very powerful bolt of lightning to dispose of that thing. Again.
If it dies, curse this blasted cliché writer with a bad case of incurable iambic pentameter. For the next two turns.
[1] ( bwahahaha )
You attempt to redo the start of the second movie and lightning bolt the Balrog.
...Wait, did that just make its flames reignite even more? Fuck. Now it's stronger for the next two turns. It quickly climbs up the tower, pissed off at fighting what appears to be another Istari, and roars at you.
-
Kill the fucking Health Inspector of Doom already by giving him obbesity,diabitis and everything that would be ironic to his death
-
Enough. Counteract Coffee Puppy of Doom's mind control, zap him into another dimension.
-
Return To Russia and give it its soul back.
-
Heh heh heh. Good, now for the coup-de-gras. Grapple the dragonling and handcuff it.
-
Screw fair fighting. Also, I'm not an Istari, and it's time to prove it.
Summon a VERY large amount of water, so that it falls on his head. And a flashlight.
Every one knows that Balrogs are flame, CLOAKED in darkness (Canonically, anyway. PJ wanted the things to be a bit more...visible in the darkness of Moria, I assume). Therefore, shine a light and dump a lot of water on them.
-
cast a repulsion spell to the hole floor that will send the two of us at high speeds towards the roof.
-
Start an education program
-
"I WILL BETTER THE LIVES AND INCREASE THE POWER OF KOALAS EVERYWHERE"
BEFRIEND THESE GIANT FURBALLS BY MAGICALLY CURING THE CHLAMYDIA THAT IS NO DOUBT RUNNING RAMPANT AMONGST THEM
-
Kill the fucking Health Inspector of Doom already by giving him obbesity,diabitis and everything that would be ironic to his death
[4] Conjuring up a swarm of various health issues, you successfully curse the Health Inspector, who turns his regulatory eye towards you.
"FOOL!"
[3-1] He attempts to stab you with his Pen of Enforcement, but the severity of chronic health issues he's just gotten slows him down, and you dodge easily.
Enough. Counteract Coffee Puppy of Doom's mind control, zap him into another dimension.
[1]
[3]
You decide to end this fucking stupidity by directly severing Coffee Puppy's psychic signal, but the mass of human bodies piling onto you completely throws you off. It's getting harder to struggle against them, even though your customers aren't really trying to hurt you so much as semi-aggressively mash their bodies into you.
Teleporting him to another dimension may work. ZAP! Damn it, somebody stepped onto your hand, and missed. It's getting rather hard to breathe in this human mosh pit.
Return To Russia and give it its soul back.
You've been inside Russia this whole time, just in a place removed from the normal limits of sanity. Heading back to the "real" world, you bury the Soul of Russia into the ground, restoring it to the country. Quite a lot of trouble gone for something you stole, only for this nice change of heart.
[2] It doesn't really do much to abate the supernatural fuckery going on throughout Russia, but it's the thought that counts.
Heh heh heh. Good, now for the coup-de-gras. Grapple the dragonling and handcuff it.
cast a repulsion spell to the hole floor that will send the two of us at high speeds towards the roof.
[6] vs [3]
Egan quickly dashes forward, restraining ziizo and quickly slapping a pair of cuffs, which immediately sprout further manacles to accomodate all of ziizo's unusual limbs! Ziizo still fires off his spell, and the two of them crash towards the roof at high speed, still grappling with each other. Egan gets the better of it, slamming ziizo into the roof first, as they both float.
Screw fair fighting. Also, I'm not an Istari, and it's time to prove it.
Summon a VERY large amount of water, so that it falls on his head. And a flashlight.
Every one knows that Balrogs are flame, CLOAKED in darkness (Canonically, anyway. PJ wanted the things to be a bit more...visible in the darkness of Moria, I assume). Therefore, shine a light and dump a lot of water on them.
Both me and the Balrog are displeased at the lack of bolding in your action.
[5][5] vs [2+1]
Water and light. Logical weaknesses aren't they? You open two portals above the Balrog, one thats connected to a nearby ocean, the other connected to a faraway star. Luminosity and wetness descend upon the Balrog, and he's washed down the tower once again, his flames drenched, his darkness broken away.
He's basically unconscious. You've just successfully knocked out Durin's Bane, well done.
Start an education program
[5] ( how the fuck are you this lucky )
Creating a series of magical teacher fairies, you sent thousands upon thousands of them to communities all over the world, creating a magical institution for general education unto yourself. The fairies are supernaturally charismatic and skilled at conveying ideas, and will be listened to greatly. What do you teach the people?
-
Complete Half-Life 3's Main story, then go and create 3 Crystals of Mind-Control deep under the palace.
Check out SNA&MC's progress on firearms designing and production. If they still haven't designed/produced any firearms, use my divine intellect and conjure blueprints for assault rifle, SMG, pistol, sniper rifle, shotguns, and the other types of firearms, then order them to make these weapons.
Create Somalian Espionage Agency and a military ground vehicles manufacturer, which be known as National Tank & Ground Vehicles Manufacturing Bureau, then give the Manufacturing Bureau the knowledge of how to build mini-mechas.
((GM, why did you ignore my +1 bonus to every roll when I'm in Somali bonus in that previous turn?))
-
Oh shit, whoops. I'll remember that for this one. You wouldn't have succeeded on the last roll anyway, and the first two would have been much the same.
If you guys have any bonuses/penalties to your rolls, please remind me at every opportunity.
-
"I WILL BETTER THE LIVES AND INCREASE THE POWER OF KOALAS EVERYWHERE"
BEFRIEND THESE GIANT FURBALLS BY MAGICALLY CURING THE CHLAMYDIA THAT IS NO DOUBT RUNNING RAMPANT AMONGST THEM
-
Bring lasting peace and enlightment both to believers and non-believers. Coffee is good regardless of petty religious zealots.
-
Teach the people creativity, critical thinking, compassion and how to use the machines
Also, now that material wants are dealt with, abolish all Intellectual Property Controll (including copyrights) people now make things in order to make them
-
create a Magical explosion between the two of us. It will Send us to opposite directions.
-
With the my new-found ability, convert the hippies into man of action
-
Let's work on fixing stuff up.
-
A few humans would do just as well, too.
My worker children eat some neighborhood cats or something small.
-
give the health inspector a heart attack from all the dieses
-
Fine, I guess, just in case...
Excellent, the Balrog has been successfully doused and knocked unconscious. Now then, generate a VERY LARGE spear of Elven make (Everyone knows Elves make the best evil-killing devices) and magically/telekinetically throw it at his head.
-
Drag ziizo back to the station. +1 to defend against magical spells/attacks.
-
Complete Half-Life 3's Main story, then go and create 3 Crystals of Mind-Control deep under the palace.
Check out SNA&MC's progress on firearms designing and production. If they still haven't designed/produced any firearms, use my divine intellect and conjure blueprints for assault rifle, SMG, pistol, sniper rifle, shotguns, and the other types of firearms, then order them to make these weapons.
Create Somalian Espionage Agency and a military ground vehicles manufacturer, which be known as National Tank & Ground Vehicles Manufacturing Bureau, then give the Manufacturing Bureau the knowledge of how to build mini-mechas.
((GM, why did you ignore my +1 bonus to every roll when I'm in Somali bonus in that previous turn?))
[5+1]
[2+1]
[2+1]
[6]
Playing through the ending of the game, you are struck by inspiration. The main game finale, whose details are known to you and only you for the next hundred or so years, gives you the final spark needed to put the finishing touches on your Mind Control Crystals. Located underneath your palace, they shall keep Somalia under thrall till the end of time. As long as nobody breaks them.
You snap out a couple of blueprints using your enhanced demigod brain, but the newfound manufacturing structure is still trying to find its legs. No real progress yet.
You try and create a Somalian Espionage agency, but there is a distinct lack of quality agents within the nation, you may need to outsource for some training of provocateurs.
Remember how I said having more than three actions incurs a penalty? Creation of a ground vehicles manufacturer is a fourth action. Luckily for you, you manage to the Bureau going, which already manages to design a prototype mecha.
"I WILL BETTER THE LIVES AND INCREASE THE POWER OF KOALAS EVERYWHERE"
BEFRIEND THESE GIANT FURBALLS BY MAGICALLY CURING THE CHLAMYDIA THAT IS NO DOUBT RUNNING RAMPANT AMONGST THEM
[4] The Great Koala Consortium heeds your words, and collectively nods.
"Do what thou can."
Waving your Koalafied hands, you purge the nasty STD from the gathering of koalas throughout the multiverse, and they as a group breathe a sigh of relief. You are extremely exhausted from this multiversal magical act, but you are propped up by King Koala himself.
"You have exceeded our expectations. Go now, and take the Koalaforce with you wherever you may go, friend."
You find yourself dumped back on Earth, completely spent, still having to deal with this fucking Reality Cop. Due to your exhaustion, -1 to normal actions. +1 to koala related actions ( due to Koalaforce ).
Bring lasting peace and enlightment both to believers and non-believers. Coffee is good regardless of petty religious zealots.
[3] Try as you might, these zealots are pretty damned stubborn. Your try sending missionaries, performing coffee related miracles, nothing seems to stick. Maybe a show of force might be necessary...
Teach the people creativity, critical thinking, compassion and how to use the machines
Also, now that material wants are dealt with, abolish all Intellectual Property Controll (including copyrights) people now make things in order to make them
You successfully impart humanistic intellectualism to as many communities as possible, you're doing a lot of good for this world.
[6] ( seriously, wow ) You use this newfound enlightenment to jumpstart your own magical powers, subsuming and dematerialising all intellectual property rights, including stuff related to Xantalos and the God Blender.
Everything's fair game again.
create a Magical explosion between the two of us. It will Send us to opposite directions.
Drag ziizo back to the station. +1 to defend against magical spells/attacks.
[3] vs [4+1]
Ziizo attempts to magically blast the two of them apart, but Egan's shield comes up in a fraction of a second, negating all force and damage in his direction, effectively doubling the blast that hits ziizo. Ziizo is knocked out!
Dragging him to the car, Egan stuffs Ziizo into the backseat, which carries a -2 penalty to escaping by magical means. You're on your way to the station.
With the my new-found ability, convert the hippies into man of action
[4+1] The hipp-Socialist Warriors convene around you, having transformed from skinny potheads to burly, hardworking fighters for freedom!
This is your true power. Reality warping for Marxist/Communist/Socialist/Whateverist ideals. Remember, as long as you are changing reality for the purposes of revolution, you get a +1.
Let's work on fixing stuff up.
[5] ( nice, just be a bit more specific )
You slow down and meditate, focusing all your magical energy. These few battles have really sharpened your mind and spirit, and with this newfound strength you astrally project yourself all over Russia, dealing with spirits, hordes of imps, creatures beyond description and pronunciation by English speakers. You make good headway, and when you wake up, a courier from the Tzar has arrived, giving a message of thanks for the work done so far, and offering to give you a ride to Moscow.
-
Take a break this turn
-
Wake up.
If success at waking up try to open the doors and jump out of the car
-
Excellent, the Balrog has been successfully doused and knocked unconscious. Now then, generate a VERY LARGE spear of Elven make (Everyone knows Elves make the best evil-killing devices) and magically drop it/telekinetically throw it at the head of Durin's Bane. Just in case there are any other Balrogs around to confuse it with. (Yeah right, like that's going to happen!).
-
Lock doors. Drop ziizo off at the station.
Explain to the chief that the rest of my squad got their souls stolen and sold to satan. Ask if I can requisition some specialty equipment to rescue them.
-
Switch positions with Coffee Puppy, then banish it to another dimension.
-
A few humans would do just as well, too.
My worker children eat some neighborhood cats or something small.
-
Continue peaceful preaching. I have all the time in the universe.
-
Give the health inspector of doom a heart attack
-
Alright, Think of plan to overthrow the government, also wait what Country I am in?
-
Return to Moscow.
-
Wake up.
If success at waking up try to open the doors and jump out of the car
[4]
[1]
You quickly force yourself back into consciousness, and attempt to jump out of the bullet and magic resistant windows. The resulting concussion quickly dissuades any further attempts.
Excellent, the Balrog has been successfully doused and knocked unconscious. Now then, generate a VERY LARGE spear of Elven make (Everyone knows Elves make the best evil-killing devices) and magically drop it/telekinetically throw it at the head of Durin's Bane. Just in case there are any other Balrogs around to confuse it with. (Yeah right, like that's going to happen!).
[5] You conjure Gurthhael, a giant Sindarin Elvish spear, and accelerate towards the head of Durin's Bane at meteor-like speed. The resulting splat rocks the tower, and the Balrog is obliterated. Well done.
Lock doors. Drop ziizo off at the station.
Explain to the chief that the rest of my squad got their souls stolen and sold to satan. Ask if I can requisition some specialty equipment to rescue them.
Don't worry, the doors are secure. [6] Dropping ziizo off at the station, in an anti magic jail cell, you find yourself harassed by Da Chief.
"Egan, where the $%^& have you been? We've been getting reports of unauthorised rampant magic use all over the damn multiverse, and you've spent all this time on one measly break in? Where's the rest of the unit?"
You explain the...situation. You request extra resources to get back the souls of your comrades. [4]
"Fine, within reason. Gods know we don't have enough of THAT these days. You get 2 special artefacts from the Armoury, just put in a requisition form [Insert Artefacts here, will veto if TOO op. Otherwise, you can get anything you want.]
Switch positions with Coffee Puppy, then banish it to another dimension.
[5] Closing your eyes shut, you open them to see Coffee Puppy now trapped underneath the pile of people. The spatial switcheroo worked! [6] Taking your chance, you finally banish the mind-controlling bastard to another dimension. Unfortunately, the mental shock of their psychic master being removed so suddenly causes all of your customers to go into convulsions, they may need some medical attention.
A few humans would do just as well, too.
My worker children eat some neighborhood cats or something small.
[6] You manage to lure some humans to your ant hill using magical illusions, where you proceed to snuff them out with your pincers and drag them inside. It's a veritable feast. Thing is, you're bound to attract attention from the rest of the village, so you may wanna prepare some illusions or defences or whatnot.
Continue peaceful preaching. I have all the time in the universe.
[2] You-dammnit, these zealots are JUST. NOT. BUDGING. You decide to look into the future for the next 20 or so millennia, and there is no progress. A couple of religious wars here and there, and without your direct intervention, your own followers get the worst of it.
Give the health inspector of doom a heart attack
[1] Aiming a heart attack curse at the Health Inspector, he raises his Badge of Bureaucracy and deflects the spell right back at you! Your cardiovascular system goes haywire, it fucking sucks. Roll a [1] next turn, you die.
-
Curse this blasted cliché writer with that incurable case of heroic couplets I promised earlier.
Steal that Balrog's raw power in order to become, well, more powerful. Preferably without stealing the evil that usually comes with it.
-
Change your turn, before I auto-fail it.
How's that for iambic pentameter.
I can't be arsed to do this all the time.
Seriously, this is really annoying.
-
escape from the prison via off-screen awesomeness
-
Return to Moscow.
-
Requisition the following:
Matter Unmaker: Wand which fires a beam that destroys any matter which was created magically. Said matter does not have to currently have any magical effects.
Shield Overcharge: Gives +3 to resist magic effects for one turn. Needs 1d6 turns to recharge.
-
Use a mind trick to help designers find their metaphorical legs, so they can start mass producing weapons for the army already.
Summon a couple of blueprints; first is for main battle tank, which is basically M1 Abrams with two linked guns, and the second one for a self-propelled artillery on base of Katyusha (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katyusha_rocket_launcher). They'll be called "Bull Shark" and "Hellstorm", respectively.
Give the blueprints to Ground Vehicles Manufacturing Bureau and tell them to focus on developing & mass producing "Bull Sharks" and "Hellstorms".
-
Mass violent caffeination of zealots it is then. Amen.
-
Summon the Obese Fast Food Eater of Death aganist the Health Inspector of Doom
-
Find out what nation that I am in, before I overthrow it
-
Scream into existence at the nearest Arbos Brand Fast food Shop.
-
The next time you roll a 6, you have a chance of hurting yourself or doing something completely random.
((Should this go off?))
-
Curse this blasted cliché writer with that incurable case of heroic couplets I promised earlier.
Steal that Balrog's raw power in order to become, well, more powerful. Preferably without stealing the evil that usually comes with it.
[6] You decide to absorb the Maia essence of the Balrog, and you effectively become an angelic being. About the whole darkness thing....
I know you can hear me. a voice says from beyond the pale.
escape from the prison via off-screen awesomeness
[5] Using the powers of the camera not being focused on you, you appear outside of the prison without any indication of how you actually escaped. Suck it, audience!
Return to Moscow.
[2] You successfully return to Moscow, which unfortunately is slightly under siege. By Communist era tanks and soldiers. Wait, what?
Magically deciphering the situation, you sense multiple time portals having opened up. Apparently, these future soldiers have completely divorced themselves from the time stream, and for whatever reason have decided to attack their forebears, which they can without worrying about temporal existence-ending bullshit.
The siege of Moscow is now.
Requisition the following:
Matter Unmaker: Wand which fires a beam that destroys any matter which was created magically. Said matter does not have to currently have any magical effects.
Shield Overcharge: Gives +3 to resist magic effects for one turn. Needs 1d6 turns to recharge.
The Shield Overcharge will give +2, +3's a bit too OP. It makes literally every defense against magic advantageous. A +2 even on a [1] roll will just make it a stalemate.
Other than that, you get your requisitioned items. Make sure to remind me that you actually have these, cause I am going to forget.
Use a mind trick to help designers find their metaphorical legs, so they can start mass producing weapons for the army already.
Summon a couple of blueprints; first is for main battle tank, which is basically M1 Abrams with two linked guns, and the second one for a self-propelled artillery on base of Katyusha (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katyusha_rocket_launcher). They'll be called "Bull Shark" and "Hellstorm", respectively.
Give the blueprints to Ground Vehicles Manufacturing Bureau and tell them to focus on developing & mass producing "Bull Sharks" and "Hellstorms".
[4+1]
[5+1]
[6+1] ( oh lawdy )
With some mental coaxing, full production for your general munitions proceeds at full speed. Your army is pretty well equipped, all things considered.
You get not only blueprints, but also conjure up working prototypes.
Building from the prototypes, mass produced version of your Bullsharks and Hellstorms come rolling off the production line. However, a few problems pop up. Certain Reality Cops have decided a bit of interventionism is required, and have sent in covert ops to steal your tanks. They've uploaded compatible AI into the tanks, and now the tanks are speeding off into various portals off-world, and any attempt to actually stop them is being met with resistance from the tanks in question.
Mass violent caffeination of zealots it is then. Amen.
[1] You are about to release the Plagues of Caffeine but before you do so you find your consciousness buffeted by multiple gravitational anomalies. It appears the Empire's started unleashing Black Hole Bombs on you. Even for a multidimensional godlike being such as yourself, that shit hurts.
Summon the Obese Fast Food Eater of Death aganist the Health Inspector of Doom
[5]
Managing to magically restore your body to working condition, you conjure up the natural enemy of Health Inspectors: the uncaring customer. The Obese Fast Food Eater of Death shows up, immediately eating everything in the near vicinity, including obviously unsafe materials, enraging the Health Inspector.
The two do battle! [6] vs [1] By the time it's over, the Health Inspector is inside the Fast Food Eater's stomach. Battle won! Unfortunately, the Eater is still eating literally everything, you may wanna take care of that.
-
The next time you roll a 6, you have a chance of hurting yourself or doing something completely random.
((Should this go off?))
Just forget about that, I can't be arsed to remember. I'll find some other way to knock you down a peg in case you start getting too OP compared to everyone else, which you're not even close to right now.
-
Teleport again to job building is time to finally steal that soul
-
Welp. There is no justice. Time to drive to hell.
-
Blast my assailant in the face with a stream of pungent eucalyptus breath from at least one of my koala mouths.
Bonus points if he's standing near a candle or something, so as to burst into flames.
-
Try to host a peace negotiation.
-
Send the Obese to everyone else
-
Find out what nation that I am in, before I overthrow it
-
Find out what nation that I am in, before I overthrow it
You're in a nondescript semi-medieval nation I just made up. It's not meant to have any actual significance or landmarks, it's meant to shift to whatever I throw in in order to make an entertaining setting. Right now it's kinda undergone a peaceful transition to a post-scarcity, humanistic intellectual society, so you're not really overthrowing anything.
You can change your turn so you can actually do something.
-
Hm, well, ah well. Demonic possession's fine.
Use my new abilities, and drain suck the life (And energy!) from any goblins/orcs/unsavory formerly hobbit-like maniacal murderers that may be near by.
I promise the power gained will be used in a good way. Become a Vala!
My master plan is advancing ahahahahaha!
-
Proceed with caffeination. They will pay double for the bombs later.
-
First of all, disable AI to stop tanks and artillery from escaping this plane of existence.
Use clairvoyance to find covert ops, then start to stealthy taking them out by suddenly appearing behind, and ripping their heads off.
If I will be discovered, blast them with my kinetic powers and call the guard of facility to assist me.
-
Find out what nation that I am in, before I overthrow it
You're in a nondescript semi-medieval nation I just made up. It's not meant to have any actual significance or landmarks, it's meant to shift to whatever I throw in in order to make an entertaining setting. Right now it's kinda undergone a peaceful transition to a post-scarcity, humanistic intellectual society, so you're not really overthrowing anything.
You can change your turn so you can actually do something.
I speed up the process of this transition
-
Teleport again to job building is time to finally steal that soul
[2] You attempt to teleport back into the building, but find that much stronger anti-break in wards have been set up. You're gonna need some sort of external power boost to break in again.
Welp. There is no justice. Time to drive to hell.
[2] Time to go save your buddies. You buckle in, ready to race down the highway to hell...but the fucking car won't start. You also hear that your criminal has escaped custody, so that's gonna look bad on your record. Not the best start, all things considered.
Blast my assailant in the face with a stream of pungent eucalyptus breath from at least one of my koala mouths.
Bonus points if he's standing near a candle or something, so as to burst into flames.
[6+1]
You use Eucalyptus Breath on the cop! It is super effective! It's actually a toxic amount of eucalyptus, and the guy dies choking. It's such a pitiful sight you actually feel really bad about it.
But hey, at least the problem's solved. Best get rid of the body before backup arrives.
Try to host a peace negotiation.
[1+1] You try and teleport in the middle of it all, shielding yourself from gun and arrow fire, and magically enhance your voice to attempt some semblance of negotiation between both sides. Unfortunately for you, a time portal opens up right above you, and a tank falls on your ass.
It hurts, but thanks to the fact that your shields are imbued with power by the Soul of Russia, you manage to avoid certain death and flattening. You're still kinda stuck under the tank though.
Send the Obese to everyone else
[4] You, for whatever godforsaken reason, decide to magically make everyone in the general area obese. You succeed, mostly, it's less morbid obesity and just fairly rapid weight gain to varying degrees. Everyone's confused, a few people suffer health complications from the instantaneous extra mass, but thankfully nobody's died yet. Medicine is freely available on the Cornucopia machines in the village, so any health problems are quickly attended to.
I speed up the process of this transition
[4] The transition was going smoothly anyway, but you lend your own magical talents to the Glorious Non-violent Revolution. It warms your heart to psychically feel the Comrade-ship and Ethical unity growing amongst the peoples of the world.
Hm, well, ah well. Demonic possession's fine.
Use my new abilities, and drain suck the life (And energy!) from any goblins/orcs/unsavory formerly hobbit-like maniacal murderers that may be near by.
I promise the power gained will be used in a good way. Become a Vala!
My master plan is advancing ahahahahaha!
[2]
[2]
You try and look for any of the evil creatures of the world to life drain, but there are none nearby. They know better to stay in THIS place. As for ascending to Valar status and power level, you're gonna need to pull a Sauron and invest the vast majority of your angelic authority into an external phylactery, that'll simultaneously focus your power whilst making you more vulnerable.
And I can help you with that, the voice again says.
-
Heh.
Evil never learns.
That's alright though. Pop back into the normal world and see about draining some unpleasant nation's people of *some* power. Not enough to kill any individual person, probably. But enough to give me additional powers.
Oh, and direct the evil voice in the back of my head to shut up. He's just another unnecessary hanger-on.
Ridiculous coattail-riders.
-
Make a highway to hell
-
Alright, since I have finished making an utopia... I must become it's defender and thus begin to update my gear for any foe whom dare to destroy it
-
Teleport out from under the tank, create a shield around me, and teleport to the Communists' commanders, to again request a ceasefire.
-
First of all, disable AI to stop tanks and artillery from escaping this plane of existence.
Use clairvoyance to find covert ops, then start to stealthy taking them out by suddenly appearing behind, and ripping their heads off.
If I will be discovered, blast them with my kinetic powers and call the guards of the facility to assist me.
-
Perform a mental reset on the formerly brainwashed customers, returning their minds to the state they were in before they were mind controlled.
Conjure up a greenhouse attachment to my coffeeshop to farm cocoa beans.
-
Kick engine. Drive to hell.
-
Proceed with caffeination. They will pay double for the bombs later.
Just in case
-
Heh.
Evil never learns.
That's alright though. Pop back into the normal world and see about draining some unpleasant nation's people of *some* power. Not enough to kill any individual person, probably. But enough to give me additional powers.
Oh, and direct the evil voice in the back of my head to shut up. He's just another unnecessary hanger-on.
Ridiculous coattail-riders.
[2]
[2]
You try and pop back into the normal, non Tolkien-world, but you're still shaky from ascending to Maia-hood. You also try to tell the voice in the back of your head to shut up.
You dare call ME a hanger on? I was first to seize the darkness, boy. I was there when the music that wove the world was first played, and I shall rise again in power when the world is unmade.
KNOW.
MY.
NAME. (http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Melkor)
Make a highway to hell
[2] Damn it you've got the song stuck in my head. Try as you might though, you aren't able to conjure a literal roadway into hell, although if you did, you'd take all the guesswork and risk out of teleporting there.
Alright, since I have finished making an utopia... I must become it's defender and thus begin to update my gear for any foe whom dare to destroy it
[6] You decide to become THE DEFENDER OF JUSTICE for this world, and in so doing, cast an upgrade over yourself.
*You get one new item, which can give a very large bonus, but must come with a sizeable risk/penalty to it. I can veto and edit if it's too OP*
Teleport out from under the tank, create a shield around me, and teleport to the Communists' commanders, to again request a ceasefire.
[3]
[1]
You try and teleport out from under the tank, but it's hit by a wave of molten oil, poured from battlements, and it actually gets even more stuck, and the searing pain disrupts your concentration juuuuust enough. Obviously, since you are still under the tank, any ceasefire communication is impossible.
First of all, disable AI to stop tanks and artillery from escaping this plane of existence.
Use clairvoyance to find covert ops, then start to stealthy taking them out by suddenly appearing behind, and ripping their heads off.
If I will be discovered, blast them with my kinetic powers and call the guards of the facility to assist me.
[3+1]
[3+1]
You manage to scramble the AI of the tanks, ceasing them in their tracks. It doesn't wipe them out, but it stops the convoy of sentient tanks from making any further progress.
Projecting your mind throughout your land, you find the Reality Cop intervenors, and start snapping necks left and right. They are panicking, and are unable to detect you, even with anti-magic visors. Still a fair whack of them though.
Perform a mental reset on the formerly brainwashed customers, returning their minds to the state they were in before they were mind controlled.
Conjure up a greenhouse attachment to my coffeeshop to farm cocoa beans.
[2]
[2]
Try as you might, it's starting to look like the mind-altering performed on your customer base is kinda permanent. Which is a problem, cause they're no longer buying coffee.
Stressed out as you are by your CURRENT predicament, any ability to materialise a greenhouse is just smoke and useless illusion.
Kick engine. Drive to hell.
[4]
Ah, percussive maintenance. That's an underrated TvTropes article. You manage to kick the vehicle back to life, and head on the shortest route to hell, through one of the RC headquarters' many portals. You'll get there next turn ( make sure to remind me of this ).
-
Use telepathy to inform security AND nearby military unit of the presence of the enemy. Tell them to take the enemies alive.
If Reality Cops will try to escape, close the portals with the click of my fingers. In case of success on closing the portals, possess a Bullshark tank, then start to kill the cops.
When Reality Cops are all taken prisoners, "rewrite" their identity from Reality Cops to Ethiopian spies. If they're all dead, eat their souls in order to become Minor God of Mind Tricks and Deceiving*.
*If it's too powerful, we can go with "Mind Control" instead of "Mind Tricks", or we also can go with "Lies" instead of "Deceiving".
-
Teleport out from under the tank, to the Tzar, do some magical healing stuff, try to get him to set up some peace talks.
-
Power boost are for those that cannot steal others ideas. Start searching members for a group you will call the Ziizo 11 is time to plan a robbery
-
An Magic Cog that I throw boomrang and that works as magical amplifier, called the Cog of Proletariat
-
Proceed with caffeination. They will pay double for the bombs later.
-
Man, my rolls are just wonderful.
That's fine, bro. Here, have a metaphorical cookie of goodness for your appetite of evil.
Also, you're still banished past the Gates of the Night or some similarly-ominous structure-of-not-letting-people-back-in-to-the-world, so, get gone. Nobody asked for you, your Balrog, or your attitude.
-
Create defenses, such as illusions and things. Hopefully the workers will grow up soon.
-
How does getting an action work? just be the first seven people to post or should I write up some sort of sheet?
-
You'll get there next turn ( make sure to remind me of this ).
Despite not having an action, I arrive in hell this turn.
-
Yeah, BL.
Just post an action. This is minimalist. NRDL will roll a die and decide how sadistic and insane he's feeling well you do.
-
NRDL will roll a die and decide how sadistic and insane he's feeling well you do.
Sigged.
-
Thank you.
Always happy to help the world understand the twisted confines of the mind of a fellow lunatic.
-
Rip and Tear a local bank.
-
Use telepathy to inform security AND nearby military unit of the presence of the enemy. Tell them to take the enemies alive.
If Reality Cops will try to escape, close the portals with the click of my fingers. In case of success on closing the portals, possess a Bullshark tank, then start to kill the cops.
When Reality Cops are all taken prisoners, "rewrite" their identity from Reality Cops to Ethiopian spies. If they're all dead, eat their souls in order to become Minor God of Mind Tricks and Deceiving*.
*If it's too powerful, we can go with "Mind Control" instead of "Mind Tricks", or we also can go with "Lies" instead of "Deceiving".
[1+1]
[5+1]
[4+1]
[1]
Telepathically, you attempt to contact your forces to begin a counter-assault, with the goal to take as many enemies alive as possible. However, it appears the RC are jamming telepathic communications, you're gonna have to try again to break through.
Changing tack, you forcibly shut all the portals leading outwards from Somalia, with the side effect of temporarily shutting all interspatial travel for like, 2 turns. Remind me of this. Taking possession of a tank, you start mowing down and killing Rcops left and right.
You try and alter the RC to be Ethiopian spies, but the Reality Cops have inbuilt anti-warp defences on their person. This has a painful feedback effect, which gives you a -1 when actually using magic on these people in general.
Teleport out from under the tank, to the Tzar, do some magical healing stuff, try to get him to set up some peace talks.
[3] You try and teleport out from under the tank, again, but it's still really difficult to concentrate. [4] Switching tactics, you send an astral projection of yourself to the Tzar, and try and get Ivan the Terrible to conduct peace talks.
"I'm open to any suggestions, but these madmen and their metal monstrosities barely seem human!"
At least you have one side of the negotiations on board.
Power boost are for those that cannot steal others ideas. Start searching members for a group you will call the Ziizo 11 is time to plan a robbery
[2] You decide to try and rip off TWO heist movies, very unsuccessfully, as nobody's particularly keen on working with a mutilated dragonkin loose cannon mage that's wanted by the RC.
An Magic Cog that I throw boomrang and that works as magical amplifier, called the Cog of Proletariat
K. +2 bonus to defending justice-related actions.What's its downside? Suggest something.
Proceed with caffeination. They will pay double for the bombs later.
[2] As much as you try to proceed with mass caffeination, the miniature black holes that opened up are stifling your coffee bean swarm from advancing. Stupid gravitational anomaly bullshit.
Man, my rolls are just wonderful.
That's fine, bro. Here, have a metaphorical cookie of goodness for your appetite of evil.
Also, you're still banished past the Gates of the Night or some similarly-ominous structure-of-not-letting-people-back-in-to-the-world, so, get gone. Nobody asked for you, your Balrog, or your attitude.
[2] You decide to give Morgoth a cookie. You say it's metaphorical, but since that's the closest thing I could approximate for an actual action for your turn, you try to conjure one up, and fail. In the back of your head, you can the first of the Valar chuckling.
Create defenses, such as illusions and things. Hopefully the workers will grow up soon.
[2]
[6]
You try and create various illusions to protect your anthill, but it's too late. The villagers have arrived en masse, pitchforks and torches galore. Luckily for you, they can't find you yet, but less luckily, there are too many for your young workers to fight off by themselves. You're gonna have to make up the difference.
-
It wasn't obvious I was attempting to send Morgoth back through the Gates of Night or whatever they're called? I'm glad, given that I rolled another two.
Heh. Use my Maiar powers and zap Morgoth back into some interdimensional void somewhere. An inescapable one.
-
Again, teleport out from under this dragons-damned tank.
Try to get the Communist leadership to accept our proposal for peace talks and a ceasefire.
-
"ENEMIES OF SOMALIAN STATE! YOU HAVE ENTERED OUR STATE TO SABOTAGE OUR EFFORTS! SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY, OR RESIST AND BE ANNIHILATED AS VIOLENTLY AS POSSIBLE!"
Demand surrender. If they refuse to capitulate, summon 10 explodium crates on top of the cops' heads. Also, the crates are filled to the brim with explosion-proof and ultra-aggressive Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets.* If they do capitulate, order my military to take away all of their anti-magical toys.
If Reality Cops have surrendered and their anti-magic toys have been taken away, rewrite their identity to Ethiopian spies. If they are still fighting against me, keep blasting them from every tank weaponry.
When Reality Cops are/have finally dead/surrendered, create Somalian Air Technology Bureau and tell them to start making some jet fighters and helicopters.
*Summoning stuff above the cops isn't a direct attack, and therefore I shouldn't get penalty to magic.
EDIT: Gave a number to the explodium crates.
EDIT2: Change "Giant Asian Hornets" to "Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets"...
-
Giant Asian Hornets
DEAR GOD, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? YOU MONSTER!
-
Fine use magic to create 110 clones of myself
-
An Magic Cog that I throw boomrang and that works as magical amplifier, called the Cog of Proletariat
K. +2 bonus to defending justice-related actions.What's its downside? Suggest something.
It drain lot of mana cause weaken and become tried in fight
-
Giant Asian Hornets
DEAR GOD, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? YOU MONSTER!
Well, I could make Nazi Giant Asian Hornets. With swastikas on their asses and all of them having Hitler's face. Y'know what, I'm gonna edit my action to include Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets.
-
Giant Asian Hornets
DEAR GOD, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? YOU MONSTER!
Well, I could make Nazi Giant Asian Hornets. With swastikas on their asses and all of them having Hitler's face. Y'know what, I'm gonna edit my action to include Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets.
...
-
Arrive in hell, dammit.
-
Assist my younglings in the defense of our home. Take the bodies as more food.
Hope that some bug loving scientist will decide we shouldn't be killed, only studied.
-
My action wasn't processed last turn...?
RIP AND TEAR?
-
My action wasn't processed last turn...?
RIP AND TEAR?
There is a limit of seven actions per turn. Sometimes it is lifted, but most of the time - not. I think you was over the limit last time. This one as well.
-
It wasn't obvious I was attempting to send Morgoth back through the Gates of Night or whatever they're called? I'm glad, given that I rolled another two.
Heh. Use my Maiar powers and zap Morgoth back into some interdimensional void somewhere. An inescapable one.
[Auto-fail] I'm already THERE, fool. I am still trapped within this vast nothing. You hear me because you feasted on the power of my servant. So long as you draw on it, my whisper shall lurk beneath your ear till the end of time.
Join me, lend your strength to my cause, and you shall become a dark lord the likes of which you cannot even begin to fathom.
Again, teleport out from under this dragons-damned tank.
Try to get the Communist leadership to accept our proposal for peace talks and a ceasefire.
[6]
[2]
With a burst of magical fury, you explode the tank off of you, killing all the nearby future soldiers around you as well. You try and teleport to the Communist leader, but soldiers have started firing bullets at you. Nothing hits, cause they're all freaking out.
"ENEMIES OF SOMALIAN STATE! YOU HAVE ENTERED OUR STATE TO SABOTAGE OUR EFFORTS! SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY, OR RESIST AND BE ANNIHILATED AS VIOLENTLY AS POSSIBLE!"
Demand surrender. If they refuse to capitulate, summon 10 explodium crates on top of the cops' heads. Also, the crates are filled to the brim with explosion-proof and ultra-aggressive Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets.* If they do capitulate, order my military to take away all of their anti-magical toys.
If Reality Cops have surrendered and their anti-magic toys have been taken away, rewrite their identity to Ethiopian spies. If they are still fighting against me, keep blasting them from every tank weaponry.
When Reality Cops are/have finally dead/surrendered, create Somalian Air Technology Bureau and tell them to start making some jet fighters and helicopters.
*Summoning stuff above the cops isn't a direct attack, and therefore I shouldn't get penalty to magic.
EDIT: Gave a number to the explodium crates.
EDIT2: Change "Giant Asian Hornets" to "Nazi Hitler-faced Giant Asian Hornets"...
[3+1]
[2+1]
You demand a surrender, and the RC agree to a ceasefire. They have not agreed to relinquish their weapons, and right now you're at a standoff. Please stop using IF in your actions, just stick to a single course of action regardless of how well the previous action went.
Fine use magic to create 110 clones of myself
[6] You end up creating 1100. Nice. What exactly are you planning on doing with that many? Show weakness and you'll end up with a massive shitstorm of clones trying to prove themselves to be the superior ziizo.
An Magic Cog that I throw boomrang and that works as magical amplifier, called the Cog of Proletariat
K. +2 bonus to defending justice-related actions.What's its downside? Suggest something.
It drain lot of mana cause weaken and become tried in fight
That is really vague. I'll just say that you can't use it again for FOUR turns. You're gonna have to keep track of how many turns have passed before it recharges, cause I cannot be bothered to.
You get the Boomerang Of Justice!
Arrive in hell, dammit.
You've arrived!
[4] And you've made it past the initial minotauroid guards, who can only huff and puff at your clear RC credentials. Right now, recently acquired souls that haven't been processed are kept in the Repository, suspended over a giant speaker that plays all the rejected songs submitted to record companies cause they were JUST. THAT. BAD. You don't have the clearance to get in, so you're gonna have to break in, with your nice new toys whose names and abilities I've forgotten and would appreciate you reminding me.
Assist my younglings in the defense of our home. Take the bodies as more food.
Hope that some bug loving scientist will decide we shouldn't be killed, only studied.
[3] You try and fight on the front lines yourself, but find yourself blocked by a mass of spears and unable to make any headway. The attack on your anthill goes along ploddingly, but relentlessly. [4] vs [5] Your workers make a valiant attempt at defending their home, and acquit themselves quite well, but in terms of numbers and weaponry are still outmatched, and are dying somewhat faster.
My action wasn't processed last turn...?
RIP AND TEAR?
I'll make an exception this time.
[1] Your copy of Doom crashes and your console lights on fire. Well that's gone.
-
It's hell, so they probably use lots of summoned matter. Use the Matter Unmaker to cut a hole into the Repository. Also use it to destroy the damn speaker.
Matter Unmaker: Wand which fires a beam that destroys any matter which was created magically. Said matter does not have to currently have any magical effects.
Shield Overcharge: Gives +3 to resist magic effects for one turn. Needs 1d6 turns to recharge.
-
Alright, with my four-turn boomrang on my person. Is there any injustice or evil for me fight or must I go looking
-
Summon 4 titanium golems behind the RC, and give out the order to strip the RC from their toys.
Rewrite the RC's identities.
Go and create Somalian Air Technology Bureau, and tell them to start making helicopters and jet fighters for our army.
-
Obviusly there can only be one Ziizo, start a tournament.
The Ziizo that losses will be consumed by the winner for a power boost until there is only one Ziizo.
-
No, no, no. Caffeinate zealots from inside. They'll surely love it!
-
Just teleport back to home base. I'll work on contacting the Communist leadership from there.
-
Fine, then.
Teleport to the real world.
-
Bit busier as of late, won't be able to update every day, if at all. To semi-make up for it, there is no more 7 player per turn limit. Post all the crap you want, I'll get around to it all eventually.
Or this game will die a slow, ignominious death. One way or another.
-
Become a
giant small orb of destruction.
-
Become a giant small big orb of medium huge massive destruction.
Corrected this for you.
-
SCREAM AT WIFE, GET NEW CONSOLE.
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!"
-
Accelerate find on all the corpses, causing them to rot and choke the villagers out
-
Right. Examine the area. What's going on?
-
It's hell, so they probably use lots of summoned matter. Use the Matter Unmaker to cut a hole into the Repository. Also use it to destroy the damn speaker.
Matter Unmaker: Wand which fires a beam that destroys any matter which was created magically. Said matter does not have to currently have any magical effects.
Shield Overcharge: Gives +3 to resist magic effects for one turn. Needs 1d6 turns to recharge.
[3+autosuccess] The Matter Unmaker does as it says, and destroys a portion of the Repository, allowing entry inside, for only one person at a time. You manage to erase parts of the speaker, but its still working, apparently tamper proof, for maximum suffering.
Thanks for including effects of your items, really helpful.
Alright, with my four-turn boomrang on my person. Is there any injustice or evil for me fight or must I go looking
[5] Your injustice senses tingle! There's apparently a capitalist uprising to the west, trying to overthrow the socialist utopia that the world has fallen into. Numerous tales of bourgeois atrocities reach your ears, and your Justice filled soul screams in rage!
You teleport to the scene by instinct.
Summon 4 titanium golems behind the RC, and give out the order to strip the RC from their toys.
Rewrite the RC's identities.
Go and create Somalian Air Technology Bureau, and tell them to start making helicopters and jet fighters for our army.
[6+1]
[2]
[5+1]
You create the 4 TITANIUM GOLEMS as you envision them, but end up giving them too much sentience. "Umm, why should we? The fighting's stopped, this'll just escalate things further boss." You're gonna actually need to convince them to work for you.
You are so disgruntled by their passive insubordination you fail to do anything to the RC, who still continue to block direct magical bonuses.
And just like that the Air Technology Bureau is born, and soon top of the line helicopters and jets are being pumped out. Soon, other countries will start poking around and wonder what to do about this newly united and militarised Somalia.
Obviusly there can only be one Ziizo, start a tournament.
The Ziizo that losses will be consumed by the winner for a power boost until there is only one Ziizo.
[3] You try and create a ziizo Highlander tournament, but what should be a fairly civilised series of one on one duels turns into an all out magical brawl. The chaos is just as unproductive as the earlier standoff, except now there's plasma and magic flying through the air.
No, no, no. Caffeinate zealots from inside. They'll surely love it!
[3+1]
Reaching within the bodies of the militant religious orders of the Empire, your forcibly Caffeinate the most diehard of their zealots. The effect on morale from seeing their most devout warriors turn to the ways of Sarrakian Coffee is disheartening to say the least. Pockets of resistance still fight doggedly on, but you've managed to win much of the hearts and minds battle.
Just teleport back to home base. I'll work on contacting the Communist leadership from there.
[3] You attempt to teleport back, but are put under direct fire!
[2] vs [2]
The tanks open firing on you miss, but you also are unable to mount a successful counterattack.
Fine, then.
Teleport to the real world.
[5] You decide to leave Tolkien-land for a while, and Morgoth's voice slowly fades from the background of your mind. Should you activate any of your Maia powers, it might end up attracting his attention, but other than that, you should be good.
Become a giant small orb of destruction.
[4] You become a tiny orb of destruction. +1 bonus to destroying smol things.
SCREAM AT WIFE, GET NEW CONSOLE.
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!"
[4]
[2]
You scream at your wife, using a line from the memeiest movie ever. Your wife's feelings are very hurt, as she hasn't actually watched it. She's going to stay at her mom's for a while.
You attempt to conjure up a new console, but you're still in the middle of your Tommy Wiseau breakdown, and are unsuccessful.
Accelerate find on all the corpses, causing them to rot and choke the villagers out
[6] I'm just gonna assume you want some sort of miasma to start being produced from the dead bodies.
The villagers are blindsided by the smell of rot, and it becomes so overpowering that they actually have to turn and flee. The battle is won! The humans are repulsed, but you've lost a sizeable chunk of your workers. Plus, the rotting bodies may lead to infections and illness for your brood down the line.
Right. Examine the area. What's going on?
[3] You're still in your Coffeehouse, with a bunch of braindead "customers".
-
Just teleport back to home base. I'll work on contacting the Communist leadership from there.
-
Meh this works too. Start killing Ziizos and consuming their power
-
Make lasting peace between the warring religions. Explain that my adepts very much prefer not being killed for their beliefs. Freedom of beliefs, anyone?
-
Yes!
Now then, make myself a very secure and incredibly hidden secret base.
-
Go on a rampage destroying
houses cups, plates, and locks.
Attempt to grow larger after doing so.
-
Right. Heal their minds already, if possible. If not possible... like, create some replacement minds that are exactly like the ones they had before they got fried, insert replacement minds.
-
"First of all, don't address to me as "boss". Address to me as "Father". You know why you should address to me as "Father"? Because It was ME who created your metallic asses, and I also have the POWER to destroy you with my MIND! You also shouldn't think that I'm some sort of a sentient tank with a really loud speaker inside of it. If you destroy the tank, I'll just take another form. So, how about you stop DISRESPECTING your father and OBEY him?!"
Use my arguments above vs the titanium golems, then get them to strip RCs from their anti-magic BS! Or destroy them, depending on the result.
Rewrite identities of RC when they DON'T wear any anti-magic BS.
Start yet another conscription campaign, then reform the military to make it the best in any 3rd world country, or better yet, make it comparable to NATO countries' military!
-
March outside and summon a wand of the high-explosive ordinance.
meanwhile, find a broken bottle as well, that's important.
-
Go grab the souls. While I'm here, also grab a Hell-Fireball-in-a-Bottle as evidence.
Matter Unmaker: Wand which fires a beam that destroys any matter which was created magically. Said matter does not have to currently have any magical effects.
Shield Overcharge: Gives +2 to resist magic effects for one turn. Needs 1d6 turns to recharge.
-
Ressurect Bob Ross and give him his whole pack of brushes,paints and a canvas to bring beauty to this nightmarish world
-
SHRUG, IGNORE CORPSE AND RE-ENTER COFFEE SHOP
ORDER MORE IRISH COFFEE AND THEN, BY WAY OF PERFORMING A GOOD DEED, ASSIST WITH HEALING THE DAMAGED MINDS OF ITS CUSTOMERS (DESPITE HAVING NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED IN FIRST PLACE)
PERHAPS USE CUTE KOALA CUDDLES AS FOCUS FOR HEALING MAGIC
CUDDLES IS BEST MEDICINE, AFTER ALL
-
Come into being and observe this universe.
-
Come into being and observe this universe.
Necromancer.
-
Come into being and observe this universe.
Necromancer.
Oh, man, I didn't even notice.
-
Come into being and observe this universe.
Necromancer.
Oh, man, I didn't even notice.
Eh, don't worry about it. If NRDL comes back on and posts a turn, I think we can agree that ya dun good. If he doesn't, well, no harm done; it was already basically dead.