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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 300859 times)

Repulsion

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #120 on: March 03, 2012, 01:28:42 am »

Okay, here's something I wrote. I'm pretty sure it's damn long, so yeah. I'm not sure if the end is exactly as I intended it, but I can always revise it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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GlyphGryph

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #121 on: March 05, 2012, 03:20:59 pm »

Not a story, but a song. Hope this is still the write right place for it.

Obviously, not hearing it the way it sounds in my head probably makes it suck even more than it would already, but hey. Just treat it as poetry, I guess.

Code: [Select]
I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head

I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone   set    me     free

I know someday I'll make it, someday I'll go far
Someday I'll take my place among the big bright shining stars
I'll find all the secrets, of wealth and of success
I'll create something wonderful, and dad, he'll be so impressed
You'll all be so impressed
But...
Well...
I won't hold my breath

Because

I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head

I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone   set    me     free

I used to dream the biggest dreams, I dreamt my way through life
But now I've been too long awake and nothings turned out right
And everything is difficult, and I can't comprehend
How I quite got to this place or where my road will end
Where will my road end?
And I'm...
Not sure...
Am I even on the road? Or have I gone and lost the path again?

Because

I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head

I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone   set    me     free

I am my own worst enemy
Nothing ventured, just leave me be
For now I think I'll stay at home
'cause I just want to sit here
all alone

I think today I'll sit here all alone

Yeah, I've still got a lot of nothing left to do.
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Doomblade187

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #122 on: March 05, 2012, 10:18:35 pm »

Just something I wrote today, but thought up yesterday. I couldn't figure out what to do with the ending, so if you have any ideas, please let me know. Here's the story:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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WillowLuman

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #123 on: March 05, 2012, 11:44:05 pm »

WIP story for a writing sample, I have no idea as to it's quality.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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adwarf

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #124 on: March 07, 2012, 10:08:49 pm »

This is the beginning to a story I've been thinking of
Spoiler: Intro (click to show/hide)
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Gotdamnmiracle

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #125 on: March 21, 2012, 01:11:51 am »

Set in Stone

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Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: March 21, 2012, 09:01:43 am by Gotdamnmiracle »
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Galick

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #126 on: March 21, 2012, 05:17:31 am »

Random suicide story

Alright.  You wanted criticism, you got it.

First:  If you're going to stick with third person, don't mention a character's name constantly.  Use pronouns - he, she, it, etc.  Reading Aaron did this, Aaron did that; is quite boring.

Second:  I cannot stress this one enough.  Show.  Not tell.  It's well written, technically, but Aaron has all the personality of a piece of cardboard reading this.  Hint at what he's thinking about a bit more often (and more subtly!) instead of just saying "Aaron's mind was elsewhere."  The entire story reads like  a well-written and descriptive list - but it's a list.

Third:  I get that this is playing off his depression - sudden improvement typically leads up to this, of course.  The thing is, there's no way to know this.  I just understood it because I know about depression.

Fourth:  The ending was kinda horrible.  There was no need to add that last little tidbit in - it just detracts from the story overall IMO and places an unnecessarily cruel bent to the story.  It should've just ended with the newspaper reading his obituary or maybe his autopsy.
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #127 on: March 21, 2012, 05:34:47 am »

Eh....


I think that that story had promise, but was lost in the "Mire of Show Not Tell". That's absolutely paramount in writing; to effectively write as a character you must get into their mind- how they sound, look, react to stimuli etc... It makes writing a suicidal character very draining but works well.

I wrote a 'random suicide story' two years ago, when I was still depressed - because I could get behind the mind of the character, the lecturer (a published author) said

"This story genuinely frightens me. And in a good way; don't get me wrong. I feel genuinely worried for Rhys and his plight, his struggle with mental problems, but the real strength lies in the whole cynical undercurrent that provides a bit of black humour in an otherwise depressing piece."

'Random suicide stories' are waaaaaay not the best choice to write; if it's for cathartic reasons, go ahead, but bear in mind people don't respond very well to them - some people have lost family or friends, some went through suicidal phases themselves- one must tread very carefully with such a story. Their emotional impact can be amazingly powerful, but they are by no means a beginner story to write.

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #128 on: March 21, 2012, 05:46:35 am »

So, how does one go about this interesting sharing session? I'd assume I just post an excerpt of my writing or some such?
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #129 on: March 21, 2012, 05:56:37 am »

Post an excerpt of your writing, and a bunch of people will critique it in the only way Bay 12 can.

PAINFULLY BUT CONSTRUCTIVELY.

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #130 on: March 21, 2012, 06:02:59 am »

Sounds good. Well, I haven't written anything besides Roleplay forum games for the last month, so I'll post the last short story I can remember writing. I'm pretty sure there's a dozen or so more floating around my laptop, but I can't be assed to search for anything at 7 in the morning.

Out of curiosity, how long as these excerpts allowed to be?
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Quote from: Yoink
You're never too old to enjoy flying body parts.  
Quote from: Vector
Ehndras, you are the prettiest man I have ever seen
Quote from: Dorsidwarf
"I am a member of Earth. I enjoy to drink the water. In Earth we have an internal skeleton."

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #131 on: March 21, 2012, 06:05:26 am »

Nevermind. Judging by the last few posts, this should be within an acceptable size.

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Quote from: Yoink
You're never too old to enjoy flying body parts.  
Quote from: Vector
Ehndras, you are the prettiest man I have ever seen
Quote from: Dorsidwarf
"I am a member of Earth. I enjoy to drink the water. In Earth we have an internal skeleton."

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #132 on: March 21, 2012, 06:19:34 am »

Also, could someone possibly link to that other writer's thread? I didn't realize we had any on these here on Bay12. I'd definitely be interested in checking these threads out and meeting fellow writers. =)
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Quote from: Yoink
You're never too old to enjoy flying body parts.  
Quote from: Vector
Ehndras, you are the prettiest man I have ever seen
Quote from: Dorsidwarf
"I am a member of Earth. I enjoy to drink the water. In Earth we have an internal skeleton."

NRDL

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #133 on: March 21, 2012, 06:21:34 am »

PTW.  I'm writing a short ( I guess ) story right now, when I have it finished, I'll post. 
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #134 on: March 21, 2012, 06:23:18 am »

Ehndras, pretty much ALL my sig is my old stories, though I could post them here if you guys need it. The 'Kogan and Ola duel' story kinda freaked Loud Whispers out, and we all know how mad he is anyway. :P


I'll read your story on the weekend properly; i had a quick glance at it and I can see your writing style is very grandiose.

Very powerful for a worldbuilding fantasy, imo.

It feels like a very, very powerful intro. That's all I can say at the moment, gotta sleep!

Same for you NRDL (Is it pronounced Nerdul?). I'll read your story on the weekend when I have some time.
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