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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 284366 times)

origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2985 on: December 29, 2015, 02:18:31 pm »

A church pastor gets in a taxi and drives for home. On the way there, the taxi crashes and both the Pastor and the taxi diver both die. They both go to heaven and God gives the taxi driver a large beautiful home, but he gives the Pastor a small shack. The pastor asks "why do I get so much less than the taxi driver?" And God answers, "When you preach, people sleep. But when he drives, people pray."
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TheDarkStar

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2986 on: December 29, 2015, 02:26:08 pm »

A church pastor gets in a taxi and drives for home. On the way there, the taxi crashes and both the Pastor and the taxi diver both die. They both go to heaven and God gives the taxi driver a large beautiful home, but he gives the Pastor a small shack. The pastor asks "why do I get so much less than the taxi driver?" And God answers, "When you preach, people sleep. But when he drives, people pray."

Wrong thread, this was good.
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IcyTea31

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2987 on: December 29, 2015, 03:11:04 pm »

An Englishman, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Norwegian and a Swede were all on a plane together. The flight was going well, until the pilot informed everyone that due to a faulty engine the plane is overloaded. They ditched all their luggage and everything that wasn't nailed down, but the plane was still overloaded. They tore all the seats and other nonessential parts of the plane and threw them out as well, but the plane was still overloaded. It was clear someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the others to survive. The Frenchman jumped out, screaming "Long live Liberty!" The plane was still overloaded. The Englishman jumped out, screaming "Long live the Queen!" The plane was still overloaded. The Finn and the Norwegian threw the Swede out, screaming "Long live Nordic co-operation!"
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2988 on: December 29, 2015, 03:14:07 pm »

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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2989 on: December 29, 2015, 03:17:27 pm »

Slightly different version I learned:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
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Arx

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2990 on: December 29, 2015, 03:20:51 pm »

If we're telling heaven jokes...

A very wealthy man is diagnosed with terminal cancer. As people are wont to do in these circumstances, he converts to Christianity and starts praying desperately for God to at least let him take some of his stuff with him to heaven. After a bit of thought, God agrees, and says he may bring one suitcase full.

Very pleased with himself, the man converts as much of his cash as possible into gold bars and has them packed in a rolling suitcase, which he keeps under his bed. The time comes that he dies, and he arrives before the Gates with his suitcase. St. Peter asks him about it, but he explains God's special dispensation.

"Well, this is very irregular, but if God says so..." Peter replies. "But I do need to have a look at what you've brought."

The man, glee barely contained, opens the suitcase. Peter's jaw drops.

"Bet you've never seen anything like this before, eh?" The man asks.

"You brought paving stones?" Peter replies.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2991 on: December 29, 2015, 03:22:40 pm »

Again, the jokes are supposed to not be funny.  There's a different thread for that, guys.
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Comrade P.

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2992 on: December 29, 2015, 03:23:01 pm »

From Gran Torino, told by old man played by Clint Eastwood:


In a clip
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Adragis

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2993 on: December 29, 2015, 03:23:25 pm »

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
DOCTOR WHO YOU JUST SAID IT AHHAHAHAHA
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thincake

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2994 on: December 29, 2015, 03:35:47 pm »

Hey, can I ask you a question?
What's that? Yes?
Okay, thanks.
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crazysheep

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2995 on: December 29, 2015, 03:37:17 pm »

An Englishman, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Norwegian and a Swede were all on a plane together. The flight was going well, until the pilot informed everyone that due to a faulty engine the plane is overloaded. They ditched all their luggage and everything that wasn't nailed down, but the plane was still overloaded. They tore all the seats and other nonessential parts of the plane and threw them out as well, but the plane was still overloaded. It was clear someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the others to survive. The Frenchman jumped out, screaming "Long live Liberty!" The plane was still overloaded. The Englishman jumped out, screaming "Long live the Queen!" The plane was still overloaded. The Finn and the Norwegian threw the Swede out, screaming "Long live Nordic co-operation!"
Slightly different version I learned:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
We have a rather different version over here:
A Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cuban and a Japanese man are on a boat trip down a river somewhere.
Halfway through their journey, an engine problem develops and the captain advises the passengers to ditch unessential baggage to lighten the load.
The Cuban throws out a crate of cigars, stating "Plenty of this in my home country."
The Japanese throws out his collection of digital watches, also stating "Plenty of these in my home country."
The Indonesian throws a crate of clove cigarettes overboard, also saying "Plenty of these in my home country."
The boat continues sinking, and all eyes are on the Malaysian. Without batting an eyelid he throws the Indonesian overboard.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2996 on: December 29, 2015, 03:42:29 pm »

I suppose the same could be said for the Mexican and the Texan  :P
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Grim Portent

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2997 on: December 29, 2015, 03:45:28 pm »

The version I heard goes like:

There's an American, an Englishman and a Mexican on a boat that begins sinking because it's overloaded.

The Englishman throws his tea overboard saying 'we have plenty of tea back home.'

The Mexican throws his beans overboard saying 'we have plenty of beans back home.'

The American throws the Mexican overboard saying 'we have plenty of Mexican's back home.'
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Orange Wizard

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2998 on: December 29, 2015, 05:25:28 pm »

The New Zealand version:

There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2999 on: December 29, 2015, 05:46:06 pm »

The New Zealand version:

There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
That's totally racist. The others were understandable, but you just took it waaay to far. [/sarcasm]
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"'...It represents the world. They [the dwarves] plan to destroy it.' 'WITH SOAP?!'" -legend of zoro (with some strange interperetation)
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